THE PLAY OF THE FAIRY TALE «SHREK»
Actors:
Little girl (ages 7-8), Shrek (green giant), his wife Fiona (green giant), Donkey and cat (friends of giants), wolf, Prince Charming, guards, stepsisters (Mabel and older ugly sister Doris), captain Hook.
Materials and equipment (details):
Book for reading fairy tales, doll, soft toy, painted posters, pillow, blanket, screen (2 pieces).
The action of the play:
Scene 1.
A little girl with a book goes on stage, sits down and begins her story:
«Once upon a time in the same Kingdom, the king and Queen had a beautiful daughter. But when the sun went down, the parents saw that their daughter was a victim of evil spells. At night, a beautiful Princess turned into a scary green beast. In despair, they turned to the Fairy for help, who persuaded them to lock the young Princess in a tower guarded by a fire-breathing dragon. There had to find her and kiss the Prince.»
The girl says: «And now, finally, the hour has come! «(hooves). Just now the Prince rushed to the Princess. He raced, raced, and raced… And so, at the end of the road, he let an arrow into the trunk of a tree, threw a rope and climbed into the castle. The Prince was the bravest in the whole Kingdom. With what grace he went to the stairs! Pulling the book out of the bag on his shoulder, he began to read it. In this book, the whole story was set out — how Prince to find a Princess, how to approach her and even how to kiss»
«Climbing the tower the Prince approached the canopy, opened it, and saw that in the bed lay the wolf.»
Prince: «Princess Fiona»?
Wolf:»Oh, of course not!»
Prince: «Thank God»!
Wolf: «Ah, that»?
Prince: «A… where is she?
Wolf:»she’s on her honeymoon.»
The girl says: «The Wolf said that Princess Fiona was saved by a giant named Shrek and now they are happy in their honeymoon. The Prince got upset and rode back to his Palace.» (hoof clatter)
Scene 2.
While Shrek and Fiona were on their honeymoon, Prince Charming started some dirty business. Returning from an unsuccessful journey without a wife and no hope of becoming king, Charming went to the bar.
Charming walks into a bar, sits down at the bar.
Prince: «I will give in this place to enjoy the simple Prince. Aah, Mabel, why are you called an ugly stepsister, and where’s Doris, what’s her day off?»
Sister: «She’s not happy about it as you do (wipes glass). What do you want, Char?»
Prince:»Just a little, just a chance to fix it and a cocktail for everyone, at my expense.»
After all drink a cocktail, begin to make the plan of capture of the Palace, discuss chorus and disperse.
Scene 3.
While Charming is preparing to get the Palace, to be locked up Fiona and kill Shrek. Shrek and Fiona are coming back from a long journey. Shrek goes to visit the donkey, and at this time Fiona was grab the guards and hide her in prison, where she has to wait for the wedding with Prince Charming.
On the stage lies a crumpled poster, comes Shrek picks up and reads it.
Shrek:»Shrek, farewell tour.»
Donkey: «Oh, Shrek, you busy at the premiere»?
Shrek: «I’m Sorry! I just got back from a trip and forgot to tell you.»
On stage run out the guards. By order of Charming, they must capture Shrek and bring him to the wedding of Prince Charming and Fiona.
The guard: «Take him!»
Cat:»I’ll help you now.» (begins a plaintive look)
Playing music from the cartoon. Guards run up.
Guard: «Grab him.»
Donkey: «Stop! Don’t you know who that is?»
Shrek: «They don’t know who I am.»
Guards run up and grab Shrek, donkey and Cat, take them away.
Scene 4.
On the stage sits a little girl and says: «Fiona was languishing in a stone prison and talking to herself».
Fiona: «I had to move, now would be sipping from the cups with hearts seagulls. Who cares who rules the Kingdom? Precisely! I have.»
The guards come. They throw the cat in the dungeon with Fiona.
Cat: «Ph,Ph,.. Princess»?
Fiona: «Cat»?
Cat: Fiona, Fiona, Shrek is in trouble.
Fiona: «What happened»?
Cat: «Prince Charming grabbed Shrek and wants to kill him.»
Fiona: We have to get out!
Cat: «Right away, Princess.»
The cat scratches the release in human growth.
Fiona:»Cat, from now on, we’ll solve all the problems ourselves.»
All successfully get out of the dungeon.
Scene 5.
On the stage sits a Prince with a photo of his mother and talking to her.
Prince: «Our happy and long life is not far off, mother. I promise the people of the Kingdom will pay dearly for every moment of waiting.»
Mabel, Hook and the guards are coming.
Hook: «Theatre of far far away Kingdom presents. Incredible show performance. The Prince will fight the green monster.»
Mabel: «Maestro music».
Sounds music. Hook conducts, Mabel distributes pamphlets.
Charming appears and sings his heroic song. Sounds grumbling in the crowd. Extras pushes Shrek on stage.
Prince: «What kind of demon nightmares us closer ready» ?
Extras: «No not afraid of his villain.»
Prince: «Save me soon.»
Extras: «From the sinister claws.»
Prince:»I’ll grind it into powder.»
Shrek: «Oh, my God.»
Prince:»Now you will experience the kind of flour you didn’t even know about.»
Shrek: «I’m Afraid it’s worse than your game will be.»
Extras raises signs with different inscriptions, when you have to laugh, frown.
Prince: «Prepare the beast, you’re finished».
Shrek: «And if the first kill, and then to wail».
Prince: «Shut Up».
Shrek: «Come on, no offense, I’m kidding».
Prince: «Quiet. Now you will know what it is, at once will lose all that you sought.»
Fiona kicks the door open with her foot, followed by the cat and the donkey. They all stand on the stage.
Fiona: «Hello, Bunny. Sorry it’s so late, are you okay?»
Shrek:»It’s okay. Now that you’re here.»
Extras: «Ohh».
Shrek:»Maybe you’ll let us talk.»
Prince: «Tempting, but I have a better idea. Look!»
The Prince pulls out his sword and attacks Shrek. (There is an acting game of Shrek and Prince, Prince attacks Shrek and put sword between his body and hand, Shrek falls).
Prince: «This is the dawn of a new era! Now bow down before your king.»
Shrek rises from his knees. The Prince runs away in panic. All are free. Peace in the Kingdom.
Fiona and Shrek take the little girl by the hand. Everybody on stage. Plays the song «Alleluya». The characters put the girl to the bed.
This is the transcript for the 2001 film, Shrek.
A ray of light shines down on a leather-bound storybook. The book opens and a voice begins reading its text:
SHREK: Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love’s first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon’s keep in the highest room of the tallest tower. For her true love and true love’s first kiss.
The voice laughs. A big, green hand rips out a page of the book and shuts it closed.
SHREK: Like that’s ever gonna happen. What a load of —
We see an outhouse and hear the sound of a toilet flushing. Out steps SHREK, an ogre, who tugs at his underwear and shakes his foot of the page still stuck to his shoe. He looks lovingly at the swamp he calls home, and goes about his daily routine. This includes taking a mud shower, brushing his teeth with bugs, bathing in a muddy pond, gathering giant slugs for dinner, and painting a warning sign.
In a nearby village, an angry mob gather up to go after Shrek. At night they gather their torches and pitchforks and enter the swamp, trampling over Shrek’s warning signs. Shrek sees them after investigating the commotion, rolling his eyes. The villagers stop outside Shrek’s home, unaware that Shrek is sneaking up behind them.
NIGHT — NEAR SHREK’S HOME
VILLAGER 1: Think it’s in there?
VILLAGER 2: All right. Let’s get it!
VILLAGER 1: Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?
VILLAGER 3: Yeah, it’ll grind your bones for its bread.
Shrek chuckles, revealing himself to be standing behind the mob.
SHREK: Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant.
The mob gasp.
SHREK: Now, ogres, oh they’re much worse. They’ll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin…
Shrek slowly approaches as the villagers back away in fear.
VILLAGERS: No!
SHREK: They’ll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it’s quite good on toast.
VILLAGER 1: Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!
The villager waves his torch in Shrek’s face. Shrek casually licks his fingers and pinches the flame, extinguishing the torch. The villager drops it.
VILLAGER 1: Right…
Shrek terrifies the mob with a great frightening roar, his spit extinguishing all the remaining torches. He wipes his mouth and waits for the villagers to stop screaming.
SHREK: (Whispering) This is the part where you run away.
ALL: (Screaming!!!)
Shrek laughs as the men drop their torches and pitchforks and run away as fast they can.
SHREK: And stay out!
He looks down and picks up a wanted poster dropped by one of the villagers. He reads it aloud.
SHREK: «Wanted. Fairytale creatures»?
He sighs and walks off. dropping the poster to the ground.
THE NEXT DAY — FOREST
Fairy tale creatures are put in chains and led into wagons by Duloc Guards. The Captain of the Duloc Guards sits at a table paying a line of people their rewards for turning in the fairytale creatures. Those waiting in line include Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Geppetto who is carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer carrying the Three Little Pigs.
GUARD: All right. This one’s full. Take it away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!
THE CAPTAIN: Next!
GUARD: (Taking the witch’s broom) Give me that! Your flying days are over. (breaks the broom in half)
THE CAPTAIN: That’s 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!
The captain hands over the reward to the villager who turned the witch in. The villager mutters to himself.
VILLAGER: Lousy twenty pieces…
GUARD: Get up! Come on!
Waiting in line is Donkey on a leash and his owner. He looks in horror at the witch and a group of dwarves being loaded into a wagon.
GUARD: Sit down there! Be quiet!
Mama Bear and Papa Bear are locked inside giant cages, with Little Bear in his own cage.
LITTLE BEAR: (crying) This cage is too small.
DONKEY: (To his owner) Please, don’t turn me in. I’ll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance!
OLD WOMAN: Oh, shut up. (Smacks Donkey)
DONKEY: Oh!
THE CAPTAIN: Next! What have you got?
GEPPETTO: This little wooden puppet.
PINOCCHIO: I’m not a puppet. I’m a real boy. (his nose grows)
THE CAPTAIN: Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.
PINOCCHIO: Father, please! Don’t let them do this! Help me!
Geppetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up to the table.
THE CAPTAIN: Next! What have you got?
OLD WOMAN: Well, I’ve got a talking donkey.
THE CAPTAIN: Right. Well, that’s good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.
OLD WOMAN: Oh, go ahead, little fella. (Donkey stays silent).
THE CAPTAIN: Well?..
OLD WOMAN: Oh, oh, he’s just…he’s just a little nervous. He’s really quite a chatterbox. (Smacks Donkey again) Talk, you boneheaded dolt, talk!
THE CAPTAIN: That’s it. I’ve heard enough. Guards!
OLD WOMAN: No, no, he talks! He does. (Moving Donkey’s lips) I can talk. I love to talk. I’m the talking-est damn thing you ever saw.
THE CAPTAIN: Get her out of my sight.
OLD WOMAN: No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!
The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan’s hands, and her cage drops on Donkey’s head. He gets sprinkled with fairy dust and starts floating upwards.
DONKEY: Hey! I can fly!
PETER PAN: He can fly!
THREE LITTLE PIGS: He can fly!
THE CAPTAIN: He can talk?!
DONKEY: Ha, ha! That’s right, fool! Now I’m a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain’t never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! (The pixie dust’s effects begin to wear off) Uh-oh. (He drops out of the air and hits the ground with a thud.)
THE CAPTAIN: Seize him!
Donkey dodges the guards as they try to grab him and runs deeper into the forest.
GUARDS: He’s getting away! Get him! This way! Turn!
Donkey escapes deeper into the forest and runs head first into Shrek’s backside. Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him and glares down at Donkey. Donkey looks scared of Shrek for a moment, but he quickly hides behind him after seeing that the guards have caught up to him.
THE CAPTAIN: You there. Ogre!
SHREK: Aye?
THE CAPTAIN: By the order of Lord Farquaad, I am authorized to place you both under arrest and…(Shrek slowly approaches the group of guards, the guards visibly frightened by him) transport you to… a designated…resettlement…facility?
SHREK: Oh, really? You and what army? (Smiles)
The Captain looks behind himself and sees that all the other guards have abandoned him. The Captain tucks tail and runs off. Shrek shakes his head and starts walking back to his swamp. Donkey, impressed by Shrek, follows him.
DONKEY: Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin’ back here. Incredible!
SHREK: Are you talkin’ to…(he turns around and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back around and Donkey is right in front of him.) Whoa!
DONKEY: Yes. I was talkin’ to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back there? Man those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up and bam! They was trippin’ over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.
SHREK: (Annoyed) Oh, that’s great. Really.
DONKEY: Man, it’s good to be free.
SHREK: Now, why don’t you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?
DONKEY: But, uh, I don’t have any friends. And I’m not goin’ out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I’ll stick with you. You’re a mean, green, fightin’ machine. Together we’ll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.
Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before loudly roaring in is face.
DONKEY: Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don’t mind me sayin’, if that don’t work, your breath certainly will get the job done, ’cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, ’cause your breath stinks!
Shrek walks off. Donkey reappears ahead of him, dangling from a felled log.
DONKEY: Man, you almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time…(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey continues to talk, so Shrek removes his hand.) …then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases leaking out of my butt that day.
SHREK: Why are you following me?
DONKEY: I’ll tell you why. (Drops from the log. Singing) «‘Cause I’m all alone, There’s no one here beside me, My problems have all gone, There’s no one to deride me, But you gotta have friends…»
SHREK: Stop singing! (Picks up Donkey by his ears and tail) It’s no wonder you don’t have any friends (drops him).
DONKEY: Wow. Only a true friend would be that truly honest.
SHREK: Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?
DONKEY: (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh…really tall?
SHREK: No! I’m an ogre! You know, «Grab your torch and pitchforks.» Doesn’t that bother you?
DONKEY: (Shakes his head) Nope.
SHREK: (Surprised) Really?
DONKEY: Really, really.
SHREK: Oh.
DONKEY: Man, I like you. What’s your name?
SHREK: Uh, Shrek.
DONKEY: Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of «I-don’t-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me» thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You’re all right. (They come over a hill overlooking Shrek’s home.) Woo, look at that! Who’d want to live in place like that?
SHREK: (Annoyed) That would be my home.
DONKEY: Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It’s amazing what you’ve done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. (Looks at Shrek’s «keep out» signs) I guess you don’t entertain much, do you?
SHREK: I like my privacy.
DONKEY: You know, I do too. That’s another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You’re trying to give them a hint and they won’t leave. And there’s that big awkward silence you know? (awkward silence) Can I stay with you?
SHREK: Uh, what?
DONKEY: Can I stay with you, please?
SHREK: (sarcastically) Of course!
DONKEY: Really?
SHREK: No.
DONKEY: Please! I don’t wanna go back there! You don’t know what it’s like to be considered a freak. (Donkey pushes Shrek up against the door) Well, maybe you do. But that’s why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!
SHREK: Okay! Okay! But one night only.
DONKEY: Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the hut)
SHREK: Ah! What are you…no! (Donkey hops up onto a chair.) No!
DONKEY: This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin’ manly stories, and in the mornin’… I’m makin’ waffles.
SHREK: (Groans in frustration)
DONKEY: Where do, uh, I sleep?
SHREK: (irritated) Outside!
DONKEY: Oh, well, I guess that’s cool. I mean, I don’t know you, and you don’t know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek slams the door, shutting Donkey outside) I mean, I do like the outdoors. I’m a donkey. I was born outside. I’ll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I’m all alone…there’s no one here beside me…
SHREK’S HOME — NIGHT
Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits down, lights a candle made out of his own earwax, and begins eating. Donkey looks inside from a window, and then lays down by the front door. Shrek is about to take a bite when he hears a creaking noise. He stands up with a huff.
SHREK: (to Donkey) I thought I told you to stay outside!
DONKEY: (from the window) I am outside!
Shrek hears a noise from inside and turns to find the source. He sees several shadows moving and looks around. He sees the Three Blind Mice on his table.
MOUSE 1: Well, gents, it’s a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have?
MOUSE 2: It’s not home, but it’ll do just fine.
GORDER: (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed.
SHREK Got ya. (Grabs Gorder, but he escapes and lands on his shoulder.)
GORDER: I found some cheese. (bites into Shrek’s ear)
SHREK: Ow! (tries to grab him)
GORDER: Blah! Awful stuff. (jumps down to the table)
BLIND MOUSE: Is that you, Gorder?
GORDER: How did you know?
SHREK: Enough! (he grabs all three mice) What are you doing in my house? (He gets bumped from behind and he drops the mice.) Hey!
Shrek turns around and sees that the Seven Dwarves have put Snow White, sleeping in her glass coffin, on the table.
SHREK: Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table! (pushes the coffin away)
DWARF: Where are we supposed to put her? The bed’s taken.
SHREK: Huh?
Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain. The Big Bad Wolf is laying in the bed.
BIG BAD WOLF: What?
Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging him to the front door.
SHREK: I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I’m a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy?
He opens the front door and throws the Wolf out. He sees that a horde of fairytale creatures have set up camp in his swamp.
SHREK: Oh, no. No! No! (He dodges out the way of a group of witches flying on broomsticks)
The Three Bears (minus Mama Bear) sit around the fire, the Pied Piper is playing his pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land…etc.
SHREK: What are you doing in my swamp?!!
Shrek’s voice echoes throughout the camp and everyone falls silent. Gasps are heard all around. The Three Good Fairies hide inside a tent.
SHREK: All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let’s go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!
DWARVES: Hey! Quickly. Come on!
More dwarves run inside the house and shut the door behind them.
SHREK: No, no! No, no. Not there! Not there!
Shrek fiddles with the door handle, unable to open it. He gives Donkey an annoyed look.
DONKEY: Hey, don’t look at me. I didn’t invite them.
PINOCCHIO: Well gosh, no one invited us.
SHREK: What?!
PINOCCHIO: We were forced to come here!
SHREK: By who?!
LITTLE PIG: Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed and he…signed an eviction notice.
SHREK: (Sighs) Alright. Who knows where this… «Farquaad» guy is?
The crowd gasps at the mention of Lord Farquaad. No one answers.
DONKEY: Oh, I do. I know where he is!
SHREK: Does anyone else know where to find him?
Baby Bear raises his hand but Papa Bear quickly lowers his hand down. The Big Bad Wolf and a wizard point at each other.
SHREK: Anyone at all?
DONKEY: Me! Me!
SHREK: Anyone?
DONKEY: (Jumping up and down) Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!
SHREK: (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention all…fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable! Your welcome is officially worn out! In fact, I’m gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!
After a brief silence, the crowd erupts into cheering and applause. This was not Shrek’s intention. A group of birds drapes a cloak made of flowers around Shrek’s shoulders, much to his annoyance.
SHREK: Oh! (to Donkey) You! You’re comin’ with me.
Shrek brushes the cloak onto the floor, while the birds come back to place a wreath of flowers on Donkey’s head. They make their through the crowd.
DONKEY: All right, that’s what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!
DONKEY: (singing) «On the road again…», sing it with me, Shrek!
As they walk away from the crowd Shrek grabs the torch from a dwarf cheering them on, who refuses to let go. Shrek shakes the torch until the dwarf falls into a pond.
DONKEY: «I can’t wait to get on the road again.»
SHREK: What did I say about singing? (yanks the wreath off Donkey’s head)
DONKEY: Can I whistle?
SHREK: No.
DONKEY: Can I hum it?
SHREK: All right, hum it.
Donkey begins to hum ‘On the Road Again’. The pair walk off into the night with Shrek’s torch lighting the way.
DULOC — DUNGEON
A masked man is pouring a glass of milk. Another man is shown walking down the hallway towards a set of doors. As he is let into the room by two guards, we can see that the man is abnormally short. The masked man is dunking what looks to be a small person into the glass of milk.
FARQUAAD: (stepping forward) That’s enough. He’s ready to talk.
The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk by Thelonious and is slammed down onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad manically laughs as he walks over to the table. When he reaches the table we see that he is too short to see above it. He clears his throat and the table is lowered.
FARQUAAD: (he picks up the Gingy’s severed legs and plays with them) Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me. I’m the gingerbread man!
GINGY: You’re a monster!
FARQUAAD: I’m not the monster here, you are. (throws one leg at Gingy) You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world (crumbles his other leg into dust). Now, tell me! Where are the others?!
GINGY: Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad’s eye.)
FARQUAAD: I’ve tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I’ll…(he grabs one of Gingy’s gumdrop buttons)
GINGY: No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons!
FARQUAAD: All right then. Who’s hiding them?
GINGY: Okay, I’ll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?
FARQUAAD: The muffin man?
GINGERBREAD MAN: The muffin man.
FARQUAAD: Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?
GINGERBREAD MAN: Well, she’s married to the muffin man.
FARQUAAD: (Shocked) The muffin man?
GINGERBREAD MAN: The muffin man!
FARQUAAD: She’s married to the muffin man…
A door opens and the Captain of the Duloc Guards steps in.
CAPTAIN: My lord! We’ve found it.
FARQUAAD: Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in!
More guards enter carrying an object covered by a sheet. They mount it on the wall and the Captain removes the sheet. It is the Magic Mirror. Everyone stands in awe.
GINGERBREAD MAN: Ohhhh…
FARQUAAD: Magic mirror…
GINGERBREAD MAN: Don’t tell him anything! (Farquaad smacks him off the table and a trash can. ) No!
FARQUAAD: Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?
MIRROR: Well, technically you’re not a king.
FARQUAAD: Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a hand mirror and smashes it with his fist.) You were saying?
MIRROR: What I mean is you’re not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.
FARQUAAD: Go on.
MIRROR: (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it’s time for you to meet today’s eligible bachelorettes. And…here they are!
Bouncy gameshow music begins to play. Using himself as a screen, the Magic Mirror reveals three shadowy portraits of princesses. Farquaad seems confused but watches on silently.
MIRROR: Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime! Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome…Cinderella!
An image of Cinderella doing housework flips to a portrait of Cinderella in her ball gown putting on the glass slipper. Farquaad looks at her approvingly and the Captain claps.
MIRROR: Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she’s not easy.
An image of the Seven Dwarves flashes on the screen. The guards laugh at the Mirror’s joke.
MIRROR: Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is.! Come on, give it up for Snow White!
The mirror shows a portrait of Snow White in her slumber. Farquaad seems even more pleased, and everyone else claps this time.
MIRROR: And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava!
The mirror shows an image of a giant dragon besides a tower and then of a giant castle surrounded by lava. A bright fire shines on the screen and Farquaad covers his eyes. This doesn’t seem to deter his interest.
MIRROR: But don’t let that cool you off. She’s a loaded pistol who likes piña coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!
The mirror shows a portrait of Princess Fiona leaning on the window of her tower. Once again everyone else claps.
MIRROR: So, will it be: bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two, or bachelorette number three?
The mirrors flips through each princesses’ portrait. The guards shout out different numbers while Farquaad frantically tries to decide.
GUARDS: Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!
FARQUAAD: (To himself) Two? Three? One? Three?
THELONIUS: Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number three, my lord!
FARQUAAD: Okay, okay, uh… number three!
MIRROR: Lord Farquaad, you’ve chosen Princess Fiona.
Wild applause erupts from the guards. Farquaad is captivated by the portrait of Fiona.
FARQUAAD: Princess…Fiona…she’s perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go…
MIRROR: But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.
Farquaad doesn’t listen to the mirror at all, too busy formulating a plan.
FARQUAAD: I’ll do it.
MIRROR: Yes, but after sunset…
FARQUAAD: Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We’re going to have a tournament! (smiles evilly)
DULOC KINGDOM — EXTERIOR
Shrek and Donkey come out of the field just outside the Duloc parking lot.
DONKEY: But that’s it. That’s it right there. That’s Duloc. I told ya I’d find it.
The two gaze up at Duloc Castle, a building that towers over the rest of the kingdom.
SHREK: So, that must be Lord Farquaad’s castle.
DONKEY: Uh-huh. That’s the place.
SHREK: Do you think maybe he’s compensating for something?
Shrek laughs, but then groans as Donkey doesn’t get the joke. He continues walking through the parking lot.
DONKEY: Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.
MAN: Hurry, darling. We’re late. Hurry!
A man and woman run through the castle’s entrance. In front of the gate is a series of ropes hung in a maze for crowd control. A mascot wearing a giant head resembling Farquaad stands at the end of the line. Shrek and Donkey exchange looks.
SHREK: Hey, you!
The mascot screams at the sight of Shrek and begins running through the roped path to get to the front gate.
SHREK: Wait a second. Look, I’m not gonna eat you. I just— I just —
Shrek sighs in frustration and then begins pushing his way through the ropes. The mascot runs into a wall and knocks himself out. Shrek pushes through the entrance’s turnstile, but Donkey gets caught in it and lands on the ground with a thud. Donkey sheepishly smiles and Shrek sighs in annoyance.
DULOC — INTERIOR
Shrek and Donkey look around the square, which is deserted. The trees and grass are neatly cut and the rows of houses all looked exactly the same. Chirpy music quietly plays from a set of loudspeakers.
SHREK: It’s quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?
DONKEY: Hey, look at this!
Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box marked ‘Information’. The music winds up and then the box doors open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin to sing.
WOODEN PEOPLE: Welcome to Duloc such a perfect town / Here we have some rules let us lay them down / Don’t make waves, stay in line and we’ll get along fine / Duloc is perfect place / Please keep off of the grass / Shine your shoes, wipe your… face / Duloc is, Duloc is / Duloc is perfect place.
Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek’s picture, both of which are dumbfounded.
DONKEY: Wow! Let’s do that again!
Donkey makes ready to run over and pull the lever again but Shrek quickly grabs him by the tail.
SHREK: No. No. No, no, no!…No.
They hear a trumpet fanfare from afar and head over to investigate. A voice sounds from the distance.
FARQUAAD: Brave knights! You are the best and brightest in all the land, and today one of you shall prove himself better and brighter than all the rest.
As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena, Donkey hums the Duloc theme song.
SHREK: All right, you’re going the right way for a smacked bottom.
DONKEY: Sorry about that.
ARENA
In the center of a stadium-like arena, Duloc Knights are gathered as a large crowd of citizens watches on from the stands. Horses, kegs of beer, arrow targets, and other equipment are scattered about. Farquaad is atop a high up balcony, flanked by two guards, addressing the crowd. Shrek and Donkey step out onto the arena but don’t seem to be noticed.
FARQUAAD: That champion shall have the honor— no, no — the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place. And so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it’s a sacrifice I am willing to make.
The crowd cheers and applauds. Shrek looks around, noticing a man holding up a cue card up to the crowd that reads «APPLAUSE».
FARQUAAD: Let the tournament begin!
Shrek marches through the Duloc Knights, who back away in disgust upon noticing him.
FARQUAAD: Oh! What is that? It’s hideous!
The crowd gasps and goes quiet.
SHREK: Ah, that’s not very nice (Looks at Donkey and then back at Farquaad). It’s just a donkey
Donkey looks confused, the joke is once again lost on him.
FARQUAAD: Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have at him!
Farquaad points at Shrek. The Duloc Knights draw their weapons and slowly approach Shrek as he backs up, the crowd cheering them on.
CROWD: Get him!
SHREK: Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (He bumps into a table, noticing mugs of beer)
CROWD: Go ahead! Get him!
SHREK: (holds up a mug of beer) Can’t we just settle this over a pint?
CROWD: Kill the beast!
SHREK: No? All right then. (drinks the mug in one gulp) Come on!
Shrek takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out, knocking the knights down and wetting the ground into mud. Shrek slides past the knights and uses a spear like a hockey stick to knock one of his feet. Donkey hops up onto one of the larger beer barrels. It breaks free of its ropes and begins to roll. Donkey manages to squish two knights into the mud and rolls over another group of knights running after Shrek. Shrek hops over a set of ropes that appears to make up a wrestling ring. Shrek uses the ropes to launch himself at two knights, knocking them over with his arms. The crowd boos. Shrek jump kicks a knight, and then body slams another. A knight comes from behind Shrek with his spear ready to attack. The crowd gasps, but before he can make a move Shrek puts him in a full-nelson hold.
DONKEY: Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!
Shrek brings the knight over to Donkey, who leans on the ropes and headbutts the knight. Shrek gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd, who have now begun to cheer for Shrek and Donkey. Shrek stands on top of the ropes and beckons on the crowd’s cheers.
SHREK: Yeah!
A knight tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but he turns in time to sees him and jumps on him.
WOMAN: The chair! Give him the chair!
Shrek uses a folding chair to smack the knight lying on the ground. Shrek dispatches a few more knights with ease. Shrek picks up the last knight, spinning him over his head and then throwing him against the post of the wrestling ring. Donkey kicks his helmet, and the ding sounds the end of the match. Finally all the knights are down. The audience goes wild.
SHREK: Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I’m here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs)
Farquaad motions to the guards, who aim their crossbows at Shrek and Donkey. The crowd gasps and goes silent. Shrek stops laughing.
GUARD: Shall I give the order, sir?
FARQUAAD: No, I have a better idea. People of Duloc! I give you our champion!
The crowd cheers and a fanfare plays.
SHREK: What?
FARQUAAD: Congratulations, ogre. You’ve won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.
SHREK: Quest? I’m already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp back.
FARQUAAD: Your swamp?
SHREK: Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairy tale creatures!
FARQUAAD: Indeed. All right, ogre. I’ll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I’ll give you your swamp back.
SHREK: Exactly the way it was?
FARQUAAD: Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.
SHREK: And the squatters?
FARQUAAD: As good as gone.
Shrek glances at the soldiers still aiming their crossbows and then turns back to Farquaad
SHREK: What kind of quest?
DULOC — EXTERIOR
Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the fields heading away from Duloc. Shrek is munching on an onion.
DONKEY: Let me get this straight. You’re gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don’t have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right?
SHREK: You know, maybe there’s a good reason donkeys shouldn’t talk.
DONKEY: I don’t get it. Why don’t you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip.
SHREK: Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?
DONKEY: Uh, no, not really, no.
SHREK: For your information, there’s a lot more to ogres than people think.
DONKEY: Example?
SHREK: Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. (he holds out his onion)
DONKEY: (sniffs the onion) They stink?
SHREK: Yes — — No!
DONKEY: They make you cry?
SHREK: No!
DONKEY: Oh, you leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin’ little white hairs.
SHREK: No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. (he throws away the onion and walks off)
DONKEY: (trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.
SHREK: I don’t care… what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. (Walks passed Donkey)
DONKEY: You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, «Let’s get some parfait,» they say, «Hell no, I don’t like no parfait»? Parfaits are delicious.
SHREK: (Yelling) No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.
DONKEY: Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.
SHREK: You know, I think I preferred your humming.
DONKEY: Do you have a tissue or something? I’m making a mess. Just the word parfait makes me start slobbering.
They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek burns his foot trying to stomp out the campfire, so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out. They arrive at the outskirts of a giant volcano and begin to make their way up.
DONKEY: (sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that? You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything.
SHREK: Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you’d be dead. (sniffs) It’s brimstone. We must be getting close.
DONKEY: Yeah, right, brimstone. Don’t be talking about it’s the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn’t no brimstone. It didn’t come off no stone neither.
They reach the top of the climb and hoist themselves up and over the ridge.
DRAGON’S KEEP — EXTERIOR
Shrek and Donkey gaze out into the crater. The Dragon’s Keep towered before them, a dilapidated castle, burned and blackened. Perched on a rock pinnacle, it was surrounded by a terrifying lake of molten lava. A single light shines in the window of the tallest tower. Dark clouds block out the blue sky above them. Thunder strikes and crows circling the castle can be heard. Its all very ominous.
SHREK: Sure, it’s big enough, but look at the location. (laughs)
Shrek jumps over and approaches the bridge, with Donkey joining in behind him.
DONKEY: (chuckes along nervously) Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said that ogres have layers?
SHREK: Oh, aye.
DONKEY: Well, I have a bit of a confession to make (Gasps, seeing the skeleton of a horse). Donkeys don’t have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.
SHREK: Wait a second. Donkeys don’t have sleeves.
DONKEY: You know what I mean.
SHREK: Oh you can’t tell me you’re afraid of heights.
DONKEY: No, I’m just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!
SHREK: Come on, Donkey. I’m right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support. We’ll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. DONKEY: Really?
SHREK: Really, really.
DONKEY: Okay, that makes me feel so much better.
SHREK: Just keep moving. And don’t look down.
DONKEY: (Nervously to himself) Okay, don’t look down. Don’t look down. Don’t look down. Keep on moving. Don’t look down.
Donkey steps through a rotting board, which falls down into the fiery lava below
DONKEY: Shrek! I’m lookin’ down! Oh, God, I can’t do this! Just let me off, please!
SHREK: But you’re already halfway.
DONKEY: But I know that half is safe!
SHREK: Okay, fine. I don’t have time for this. You go back.
Shrek tries to press on while Donkey tries to make his way back under Shrek.
DONKEY: Shrek, no! Wait!
SHREK: Just, Donkey — — Let’s have a dance then, shall me? (bounces and sways the bridge)
DONKEY: Don’t do that!
SHREK: Oh, I’m sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces the bridge again)
DONKEY: Yes, that!
SHREK: Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across the bridge)
DONKEY: No, Shrek! No! Stop it!
SHREK: You said do it! I’m doin’ it.
DONKEY: I’m gonna die. I’m gonna die. Shrek, I’m gonna die. (steps onto solid ground) Oh!
SHREK: That’ll do, Donkey. That’ll do. (walks towards the castle)
DONKEY: Cool. So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?
SHREK: Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. (chuckles)
DONKEY: I was talkin’ about the dragon, Shrek.
DRAGON’S KEEP — INTERIOR
The pair start making their way through the hallways of the dragon’s dark and spooky keep. Shrek is wary, while Donkey is downright terrified. Only an occasional torch lights the way. The passages are littered with bones, armor, and weapons, presumably belonging to the many unsuccessful knights who tried to rescue the princess.
DONKEY: You afraid?
SHREK: No. But…SHHHHHH. (Shushes Donkey)
DONKEY: Oh, good. Me neither. (Get spooked and gasps) ‘Cause there’s nothin’ wrong with bein’ afraid. Fear’s a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire. It sure doesn’t mean you’re a coward if you’re a little scared. I sure as heck ain’t no coward. I know that.
Donkey crashes into a pile of knight remains, knocking over a skeleton whose helmet lands on Donkey’s head. The skeleton head falls off and Donkey gasps.
SHREK: Donkey, two things, okay? Shut. Up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs (Grabs the helmet and puts it on).
DONKEY: Stairs? I thought we was lookin’ for the princess.
SHREK: (Picking up pieces of armor) The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.
DONKEY: What makes you think she’ll be there?
SHREK: I read it in a book once. (walks off)
DONKEY: Cool. You handle the dragon. I’ll handle the stairs. I’ll find those stairs. I’ll whip their butt too. Those stairs won’t know which way they’re goin’.
Shrek, now disguised as a knight in shining armor walks off further into the castle. Donkey wanders off in the opposite direction, still talking to himself, and pushes his way through a giant set of doors.
DONKEY: I’m gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don’t mess with me. I’m the stair master. I’ve mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I’d step all over it.
Behind a broken wall, a giant eye opens to see an unaware Donkey. Elsewhere, Shrek spots a light in the window of a tower.
SHREK: Oh! At least we know where the princess is, but where’s the…
DONKEY: Dragon! Ahhhhhh!
Donkey screams and takes off running, narrowly dodging the dragon’s fiery breath. The dragon chases after Donkey, stomping on the pile of knight remains in its way. Shrek turns around to see Donkey barreling towards him with the dragon close behind him.
SHREK: Donkey, look out!
Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon breathes another fireball. Donkey drops to the floor to avoid another fireball, which manages to singe the tuft of his tail. The dragon is just about to eat Donkey when Shrek grabs ahold of its tail.
SHREK: Got ya!
The dragon begins to swing its tail back and forth with Shrek still holding on, then launces him into the air. Shrek crashes through the roof of the tallest tower and into Fiona’s room. Fiona wakes up and looks at him lying on the floor unconscious. The dragon now focuses its attention on Donkey, breathing fire at him and forcing him onto a stone bridge. The dragon knocks down portions of the bridge until Donkey is left staying on a lone pillar.
DONKEY: No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon growls) Oh, what large teeth you have! (the dragon roars) I mean white, sparkling teeth!
The dragon pauses, looks at him inquisitively, and then smiles. Donkey might just flatter his way out of becoming dragon food.
DONKEY: I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, ’cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness?
The dragon appears to be flattered by Donkey’s compliments.
DONKEY: And you know what else? You know what else? You’re— You’re—
The dragon leans forward and gazes at Donkey, revealing its long eyelashes and lipsticked mouth. Suddenly it was all clear to Donkey.
DONKEY: —a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you’re a girl dragon. You’re just reeking of feminine beauty.
The dragon flutters her eyes at him.
DONKEY: What’s the matter with you? You got something in your eye?
Dragon blows a heart-shaped smoke ring at Donkey.
DONKEY: Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I’d really love to stay, but you know, I’m, uh…(coughs) I’m an asthmatic, and I don’t know if it’d work out if you’re gonna blow smoke rings and stuff. Shrek!
Dragon picks him up by the tail in her mouth and happily carries him off.
DONKEY: No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
FIONA’S TOWER — INTERIOR
Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor and brushes debris off himself. His back is to a Princess Fiona, laying upright on the bed near the window. Though a bit startled, she is ecstatic to see her knight-in-shining armor. She straightens her dress, lays back down, and then quickly reaches over for bouquet of flowers off the side table. She lays back down and pretends to be asleep, clutching the bouquet to her breast. Shrek turns, takes note of the princess and walks across the room over to her. He bends down over Fiona and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders and forcefully shakes her.
FIONA: Wha…Wha…
SHREK: Wake up!
FIONA: What?!
SHREK: Are you Princess Fiona?
FIONA: I am… (smiling) awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.
SHREK: Ah, that’s nice. Now let’s go!
Shrek turns to leave and Fiona quickly sits upright.
FIONA: But wait, Sir Knight! This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?
She tosses the bouquet and lays back down, swooning.
SHREK: Yeah, sorry, lady. There’s no time.
Shrek walks back, yanks Fiona’s arm. and hauls her out of bed and towards the door.
FIONA: Hey, wait. What are you doing? You know, you should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.
Shrek yanks on the door handle only for it to snap off.
SHREK: You’ve had a lot of time to plan this, haven’t you?
FIONA: Mm-hmm.
Fiona screams as Shrek suddenly smashes the door down with his shoulder, still holding onto her arm. He rushes down the tower’s staircase with Fiona in tow and grabs a torch.
FIONA: But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me.
DRAGON’S KEEP — INTERIOR
Shrek and Fiona cross the bridge connecting the tallest tower to the rest of the castle.
FIONA: A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!
Fiona pulls her arm from Shrek’s grip. They stop for a moment as Shrek figures out which direction to go.
SHREK: I don’t think so.
FIONA: Well, can I at least know the name of my champion?
SHREK: Uh, Shrek.
FIONA: Sir Shrek.
She smiles, clears her throat, and holds out a handkerchief.
FIONA: I pray that you take this favour as a token of my gratitude.
SHREK: Thanks!
Shrek regards the handkerchief curiously and wipes off his sooty face with it, blackening it. He hands it back to an appalled Fiona, but before she can react, they are startled by the dragon’s roar and she drops it to the floor.
FIONA: You didn’t slay the dragon?!
SHREK: It’s on my to-do list, now come on!
Shrek grabs Fiona once again and takes off running towards the direction of the dragon’s roar.
FIONA: But this isn’t right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That’s what all the other knights did!
SHREK: Yeah, right before they burst into flames!
He gestures at the skeleton of a knight laying against the wall, a charred outline of a man burned into the stone behind it.
FIONA: That’s not the point! Ugh!
Fiona pulls her arm free from Shrek and stops running. Shrek pauses to look around and heads for a set of wooden doors.
FIONA: Wait—where are you going? The exit’s over there!
She points her arm to her left and Shrek turns around.
SHREK: Well, I have to save my ass.
FIONA: Ugh. What kind of knight are you?
SHREK: One of a kind.
THRONE ROOM
Shrek quietly pushes open the doors, stepping out onto a balcony of large spacious room. In the center of the room, Dragon has Donkey wrapped up on her tail. Dragon sits on a floor littered with a horde of gold coins and jewels.
DONKEY: Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. Look I believe it’s healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just, just call me old-fashioned. I don’t want to rush into a… a physical relationship. I’m not…not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this, uh — — «magnitude» really is the word I’m looking for. Magnitude.
Dragon gently caresses Donkey with a single claw.
DONKEY: Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing?
Dragon looks up at the chandelier hanging above them and gently lights its candles with her fire breath.
DONKEY: Okay, okay. Let’s just back up a little and take this one step at a time. I mean we really should get to know each other first, you know, as friends or maybe even pen pals. Y’know cause I’m on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards to read —
Shrek jumps off the balcony, grabbing a chain connected to the chandelier. The chain does not hang low enough for him to be able to grab Donkey and he swings over Dragon. The chain swings back and he is left dangling above her.
DONKEY: Oh y’know I’d, I’d really love to stay, but — (Dragon tugs at Donkey’s tail with her mouth)
DONKEY: Hey. hey don’t do that! That’s my tail! That’s my personal tail. You’re gonna tear it off. I don’t give permission to— hey! What are you gonna do with that?
Dragon purses her lips and gets ready to kiss Donkey. Shrek looks up and spots that the chain is jammed above him. He starts shaking it to try and relapse it from the pulley. Suddenly the pulley comes loose and Shrek starts falling.
DONKEY: Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!
Shrek lands on Donkey and bumps him out of Dragon’s grasp just as she is about to kiss him, and she instead kisses Shrek’s butt. She opens her eyes and roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto her head, which acts as a collar around her neck. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey take off running. They dodge a blast of fire from Dragon. Shrek grabs Donkey in one arm and then grabs Princess Fiona, who has wandered into the room, with the other arm as he runs past her.
DONKEY: Hi, Princess!
FIONA: It talks!
SHREK: Yeah, it’s getting him to shut up that’s the trick.
They all gasp as Shrek suddenly stops, having reached the end of the balcony Shrek spots a fallen column that has formed a sort of slide. He jumps on it just as Dragon tries to bite them and slides down it. Unfortunately there is a crack in the stone and it hits Shrek right in the groin. His eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide, he groans and stumbles off. Dragon chases after them, the chain of the chandelier still unraveling. They are chased by Dragon through a large hall, her chain looping itself around multiple stone pillars as Shrek zigzags around them. Dragon ends up in front of them and breathes fire. Shrek dodges the fire and runs away, leaping over several rows of chains. He comes to a halt.
SHREK: Okay, you two, head for the exit! (setting down Donkey and Fiona) I’ll take care of the dragon.
Shrek grabs a sword lodged in the floor and sticks it through a link in the chain and deep into the floor. Shrek catches up with Donkey and Fiona, who are waiting near the exit.
SHREK: Run!
They sprint as fast as they can out of the castle and onto the rickety bridge as Dragon breathes a huge fireball behind them. As they reach the middle of the bridge the fire burns the bridge and it snaps in half. They hang onto the bridge as they are swung to the other side. Donkey, unable to grab on, falls off but Shrek catches him by the tail. Fiona screams in terror as Dragon flies over the boiling lava to get them. Suddenly the chandelier jerks Dragon back, the sword having lodged itself into a stone column and getting the chain stuck. The group quickly climbs up to safety. Dragon lets out a defeated cry, then gives a sad whimper.
VOLCANO — EXTERIOR
The first to climb out, Fiona gracefully slides down to the bottom of the volcano hill.
FIONA: You did it! You rescued me! You’re amazing.
Behind her Donkey tumbles his way down the hill.
FIONA: You’re — you’re wonderful. You’re…
She turns to see Shrek slide down the hill and crash into Donkey.
FIONA: A little unorthodox I’ll admit. But…thy deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.
DONKEY: Ahem…
FIONA: And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?
She reaches down, squeezing Donkey’s face.
DONKEY: I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She thinks I’m a steed.
Donkey blushes, causing Fiona to chuckle and Shrek to roll his eyes.
FIONA: The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.
Donkey gasps and makes eye contact with Shrek.
SHREK: Uh, no.
FIONA: Why not?
SHREK: I…I have helmet hair.
FIONA: Please. I would’st look upon the face of my rescuer.
SHREK: Oh, no, you wouldn’t — st.
FIONA: But, how will you kiss me?
SHREK: What?
Shrek backs away and bumps into a tree stump.
SHREK: (to Donkey) That wasn’t in the job description.
DONKEY: Maybe it’s a perk! (Suggestively raises his eyebrows)
FIONA: No, it’s destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes: A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love’s first kiss.
They both give Fiona a wide-eyed look.
DONKEY: Hmm? With Shrek? You think —who, whoa, wait a sec. You think that Shrek is your true love?
FIONA: Well…yes.
Fiona sheepishly smiles at Shrek. Donkey and Shrek turn to each other and burst out laughing.
DONKEY: You think Shrek is your true love!
FIONA: (Annoyed) What is so funny?
SHREK: Let’s just say I’m not your type, okay?
FIONA: Of course, you are. You’re my rescuer. Now — now remove your helmet.
SHREK: Look. I really don’t think this is a good idea.
FIONA: Just take off the helmet.
SHREK: I’m not going to.
FIONA: Take it off.
SHREK: No!
FIONA: NOW!
SHREK: Okay! Easy! As you command,,,your Highness.
Shrek takes off his helmet and reveals his ogre self. Fiona looks at him blankly, confused but not frightened. Shrek awkwardly grins.
FIONA: You’re…an ogre.
SHREK: Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming?
FIONA: Well —yes, actually! Oh, no. This is all wrong. You’re not supposed to be an ogre! (walks off)
SHREK: Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He’s the one who wants to marry you.
The mention of this Lord Farquaad prompts Fiona to turn around in surprise.
FIONA: Well then why didn’t he come rescue me?
SHREK: Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.
Shrek turns and removes what little armor is still left attached to him.
FIONA: But I have to be rescued by my true love! Not by some ogre and hi…hi…his pet.
DONKEY: Well, so much for noble steed.
SHREK: Look princess you’re not making my job any easier.
FIONA: I’m sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I’ll be waiting for him right here.
Fiona sits down determinedly on a nearby rock.
SHREK: Hey! I’m no one’s messenger boy, all right? (Advancing toward her) I’m a delivery boy.
FIONA: You wouldn’t dare.
Shrek picks Fiona up and slings her over his shoulder like a bag of potatoes.
FIONA: Agghh! Put me down! Aggghh!
SHREK: You comin’, Donkey?
DONKEY: Oh, yep! I’m right behind ya.
Fiona is now kicking and screaming.
FIONA: Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!
Fiona smacks Shrek on the back of the head and screams in frustration.
WOODS
Hours have passed and Fiona has calmed down. She hangs limply while Shrek carries her and Donkey walks behind them.
DONKEY: Okay, so here’s another question. Say there’s a woman that digs you, right, but you don’t really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren’t hurt, but you don’t get burned to a crisp and eaten? How do you do that?
FIONA: You just tell her she’s not your true love. Everyone knows what happens when you find your…
Shrek cuts her off with a deliberate, bouncing readjustment.
FIONA: Hey! The sooner we get to Duloc the better.
DONKEY: Oh you’re gonna love it there, Princess. It’s beautiful!
FIONA: And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What’s he like?
SHREK: Let me put it this way, princess.
Shrek dumps Fiona to the ground unceremoniously and heads to a nearby pond to wash up.
SHREK: Men of Farquaad’s stature are in…short supply.
He chuckles and Donkey joins in.
DONKEY: I dunno, Shrek. There are those who think…little of him.
They laugh even harder.
FIONA: Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You’re just jealous that you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.
SHREK: Yeah, well, maybe you’re right, princess. But I’ll let you do the…measuring…when you see him tomorrow.
FIONA: Tomorrow?
Panic-stricken, Fiona looks back fearfully at the setting sun.
FIONA: It’ll take that long? Shouldn’t we stop to make camp?
SHREK: No, that’ll take longer. We can keep going.
FIONA: But there’s….robbers in the woods.
DONKEY: Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is definitely starting to sound good.
SHREK: Hey, come on. I’m scarier than anything we’re going to see in this forest.
Fiona jumps in front of Shrek, blocking him.
FIONA: I need to find somewhere to camp-now!
Both Donkey and Shrek’s ears lower, taken aback by her outburst.
CLIFFSIDE
A few minutes later, Shrek is rolling a large boulder away from the mouth of a cave.
SHREK: Hey! Over here!
DONKEY: Shrek, we can do better than that. I don’t think this is fit for a princess.
Fiona turns her attention away from the setting sun.
FIONA: No, no, it’s perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.
SHREK: Homey touches? Like what?
He hears a huge ripping sound and looks over at Fiona, who has torn the bark off of a tree with her bare hands.
FIONA: A door. Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.
She enters the cave and puts the bark door up behind her.
DONKEY: You want me to read you a bedtime story? Cause I will.
FIONA: I said good night!
Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and then reaches to move the boulder back in front of the entrance.
DONKEY: Shrek, what are you doing?!
SHREK: (laughs) I just—you know — — Oh, come on. I was just kidding.
CLIFFSIDE — NIGHT
Later that night Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire. They gaze up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star constellations to Donkey.
SHREK: And, uh, that one, that’s Throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields.
DONKEY: Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?
SHREK: The stars don’t tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there’s Bloodnut the Flatulent. You can guess what he’s famous for. (chuckles)
DONKEY: Alright now I know you’re making this up.
SHREK: No, look.
Shrek traces the constellation with his finger.
SHREK: There he is, and there’s the group of hunters running away from his stench.
DONKEY: Man that ain’t nothin’ but a bunch of little dots.
SHREK: You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm?
Shrek glances over to see if Donkey understands him, but is met with a blank look.
SHREK: Forget it.
DONKEY: Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?
SHREK: Our swamp?
DONKEY: You know, when we’re through rescuing the princess and all that stuff.
SHREK: We? Donkey, there’s no we. There’s no our. There’s just me and my swamp. And the first thing I’m gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land.
He turns his back to Donkey
DONKEY: You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now.
Donkey walks over to face Shrek.
DONKEY: You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.
SHREK: No, do ya think?
Shrek turns away again.
DONKEY: Are you hidin’ something?
SHREK: Never mind, Donkey.
He lies on his back. Donkey leans over him.
DONKEY: Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn’t it?
SHREK: No, this is one of those «drop it and leave it alone» things!
DONKEY: Why don’t you want to talk about it?
SHREK: Why do you want to talk about it? (turns)
DONKEY: Why are you blocking?
SHREK: I’m not blocking! (turns)
DONKEY: Oh, yes, you are.
SHREK: Donkey, I’m warning you…
DONKEY: Who you trying to keep out?
Shrek gets on his feet and faces Donkey.
SHREK: Everyone! Okay?!
DONKEY: Oh, now we’re gettin’ somewhere.
Unsee by either of them, Fiona was peeking around the cave door, eavesdropping on the conversation.
SHREK: Oh! For the love of Pete!
Shrek walks over to the edge of the cliff and sits down.
DONKEY: Hey what’s your problem Shrek? What you got against the whole world anyway, huh?
SHREK: Look, I’m not the one with the problem, okay? It’s the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go «Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!» They judge me before they even know me. That’s why I’m better off alone.
Hidden in the shadows of the cave, Fiona’s eyes were sympathetic. She closes the door. Donkey stares silently at Shrek for a moment and then sits down beside him.
DONKEY: You know what? When we met, I didn’t think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre.
SHREK: Yeah, I know.
DONKEY: So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?
SHREK: Well, there’s, um, Gabby…the Small…and Annoying.
DONKEY: Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?
SHREK: That’s the moon.
DONKEY: Oh, okay.
DULOC — FARQUAAD’S BEDROOM
Farquaad’s room is is filled with items prepared for his wedding, including crowns and wedding outfits for him and Fiona. Mama Bear is now a taxidermized rug. Soft music plays in the background. Farquaad lays in bed with the Magic Mirror set up at the foot of the bed.
FARQUAAD: Again, show me again.
We hear the sound of tape rewinding.
FIONA: Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.
MIRROR: Hmph.
The Mirror reluctantly rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning, displaying the image of Fiona waiting in her tower.
FARQUAAD: Ah…perfect.
Farquaad looks down and pulls the sheet up to cover himself as the covers rise.
CLIFFSIDE — MORNING
Fiona walks out of the cave and glances at Shrek and Donkey who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods, marveling at the nature, and begins to sing. A bluebird flies over to join in her song. She hits higher and higher notes and the bird struggles to keep up with her. Fiona hits a high, horrible note that causes the bird to explode. Fiona looks guilty, but she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. A little later, Fiona is now frying the eggs over the campfire using a rock skillet. Shrek wakes up, smells the foods, and takes note of Fiona. Donkey is talking to himself in his sleep.
DONKEY: Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. Come on, baby. I said I like it…
SHREK: Donkey, wake up. (shakes him)
DONKEY: Huh? What?
SHREK: Wake up.
DONKEY: What? (stretches and yawns)
FIONA: Good morning. Uhmm… how do you like your eggs?
DONKEY: Oh, good morning, Princess!
SHREK: What’s all this about?
FIONA: You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday and I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.
Fiona gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them.
SHREK: Uh, thanks.
Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips.
FIONA: Well, eat up. We’ve got a big day ahead of us.
Fiona walks off, seemingly in a better mood than yesterday.
SHERWOOD FOREST
The three continue their journey back to Duloc though the woods. Shrek lets out a loud belch.
DONKEY: Shrek!
SHREK: What? It’s a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. (laughs)
DONKEY: Well, it’s no way to behave in front of a princess!
Fiona belches, stopping Shrek and Donkey in their tracks.
FIONA: Thanks.
DONKEY: She’s as nasty as you are.
SHREK: (chuckles) You know, you’re not exactly what I expected.
FIONA: Well, maybe you shouldn’t judge people before you get to know them.
She smiles and then continues walking, singing softly. Suddenly from out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Fiona away.
UNKNOWN: La liberte! Hey!
SHREK: Princess!
The princess and the unknown man land on a limb high above in the trees It is none other than Monsieur Hood, also known as Robin Hood. Fiona breaks away from Hood, who has his hand around her waist.
FIONA: Oh! Wait wait—what are you doing?!
MONSIEUR HOOD: Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green…
Hood brings Fiona’s hand to his chest, and then carpets Fiona’s arms with kisses as she pulls back in disgust.
MONSIEUR HOOD: …beast.
His smile is only met with annoyance, which confuses him.
SHREK: Hey! That’s my princess! Go find you own!
MONSIEUR HOOD: Please, monster! Can’t you see I’m a little busy here?
Fiona gives Hood a one-handed push and jams her finger into his chest.
FIONA: Look, pal, I don’t know who you think you are!
MONSIEUR HOOD: Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduce myself.
He cups his hands and calls into the woods.
MONSIEUR HOOD: Oh, Merry Men! (laughs)
Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merrymen pop out from the bushes. They begin to sing along with Monsieur Hood.
MERRYMEN: Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.
MONSIEUR HOOD: I steal from the rich and give to the needy.
MERRYMAN: He takes a wee percentage,
MONSIEUR HOOD: But I’m not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels, man, I’m good.
MERRYMEN: What a guy, Monsieur Hood.
MONSIEUR HOOD: Break it down. I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid…
MERRYMEN: What he’s basically saying is he likes to get…
MONSIEUR HOOD: Paid! So…When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush. That’s bad.
MERRYMEN: That’s bad. That’s bad. That’s bad!
MONSIEUR HOOD: When a beauty’s with a beast it makes me awfully mad!
MERRYMEN: He’s mad, he’s really, really mad!
Fiona, still up in the tree, looks down. Her expression changes from confusion to horror as Monsieur Hood sings the last line:
MONSIEUR HOOD: I’ll take my blade and ram it through your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys ’cause I’m about to start…
Fiona swings down from the tree limb and kicks Monsieur Hood in the head, knocking him unconscious. She lands with a back flip in front of Shrek and Donkey.
FIONA: Man, that was annoying!
Shrek looks at her in admiration.
MERRYMAN: Why, you little—
The Merry Man shoots an arrow at Fiona but she ducks out of the way. The arrow flies past her and towards Donkey, who jumps into Shrek’s arms to get out of the way. Fiona demonstrates her martial arts skills and easily defeats up every last Merryman. The Merrymen are left on lying on the ground and Fiona walks away. Fiona looks a little embarrassed as she smoothes out her dress and regains her composure.
FIONA: Uh, shall we?
SHREK: Hold the phone.
Taken aback, Shrek drops Donkey and begins walking after Fiona.
SHREK: Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?
FIONA: What?
SHREK: That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?
Fiona just blushes.
FIONA: Well…(laughs) when one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there’s a…there’s an arrow in your butt!
Fiona points downwards at a small arrow jutting out of Shrek’s behind.
SHREK: What? Oh, would you look at that?
FIONA: Oh, no. This is all my fault. I’m so sorry.
Shrek lightly tugs at the arrow but stops, wincing in pain. Donkey catches up to them.
DONKEY: Why? What’s wrong?
FIONA: Shrek’s hurt.
DONKEY: Shrek’s hurt! Shrek’s hurt?!
Donkey, frantic, begins to scamper around hysterically.
DONKEY: Oh, no, Shrek’s gonna die!
SHREK: Donkey, I’m okay.
DONKEY: You can’t do this to me, Shrek. I’m too young for you to die! Keep your legs elevated! Turn your head and cough! Does anyone know the Heimlich?!
Fiona grabs Donkey’s head and pulls it down to her.
FIONA: Donkey! Calm down! If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.
DONKEY: Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I’m on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don’t die Shrek.
Donkey begins to head in a random direction into the forest.
DONKEY: And if you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!
SHREK & FIONA: Donkey!
DONKEY: Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns…
Donkey marches off, still chanting, until he is out of earshot.
SHREK: What are the flowers for?
FIONA: For getting rid of Donkey.
SHREK: Ah…
Shrek’s confused look turns into a big grin.
FIONA: Now you hold still, and I’ll yank this thing out.
Fiona grabs hold of the arrow and begins to pull. Shrek yelps and jumps away.
SHREK: Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin’!
FIONA: I’m sorry, but it has to come out.
SHREK: No, it’s tender.
As they continue to talk Fiona keeps grabbing after the arrow as Shrek dodges her attempts.
FIONA: Now, hold on.
SHREK: What you’re doing is the opposite of help.
FIONA: Don’t move.
SHREK: Look, time out.
Shrek puts his entire hand over Fiona’s face, stopping her in her tracks.
FIONA: Would you…
She takes Shrek’s hand off her face.
FIONA: Okay. What do you propose we do?
SHERWOOD FOREST — ELSEWHERE
Deeper in the woods, Donkey is hurriedly searching for the flower.
DONKEY: Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn’t color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.
Suddenly he hears a far out yell from Shrek.
SHREK: Owww!
DONKEY: Hold on, Shrek! I’m comin’!
Donkey rips a flower off a nearby bush, which happens to be a blue flower with red thorns, and takes off running.
SHERWOOD FOREST — CLEARING
Back in the clearing, Shrek is laying on the ground facedown, while Fiona stands over him, using both hands to try to remove the arrow.
SHREK: Ow! Not good.
FIONA: Okay. N—Okay. I can nearly see it…It’s just about…
SHREK: Ow! Ohh!
He rolls over, knocking Fiona off her feet and causing her to land on top of him. For a moment they stare into each other’s eyes.
DONKEY: Ahem.
They are both startled by Donkey’s interruption. Donkey, with the flower dropped at his feet, gives them a suggestive look.
SHREK: Nothing happened.
Shrek pushes Fiona off him and rolls over to face Donkey.
SHREK: We were just, uh…
DONKEY: Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask, okay?
SHREK Oh, come on! That’s the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just—
Fiona quickly rips the arrow out of Shrek’s butt with one great pull.
SHREK: Uggghhh!
He turns to look at Fiona, who playfully shakes the arrow back and forth with a coy smile.
SHREK: Ow!
DONKEY: Hey, what’s that? (chuckling) That’s…is that blood?
Donkey faints and falls into a pile of leaves. Shrek picks him up and throws him over his shoulder, and the three continue on their journey. There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to Duloc.
The group comes to a river with no path across, though it is clearly shallow enough to walk over. Shrek climbs to the top of a tree, using his weight to cause the tree to bend over the river and form a bridge. Fiona crosses first and lays a hand on Shrek’s back when she gets to the other side. Shrek grins and gets up while Donkey is still crossing, launching him back to the other side. In a field, Shrek swats away at a swarm of flies following him. Fiona grabs a nearby spiderweb from a tree branch and runs through the field, swinging it around to catch the bugs. She spins the branch to form a sort of cotton candy, and hands it to Shrek as a treat. As he walks off biting it, she licks her fingers. Shrek catches a frog and blows it up like a balloon to give to Fiona. Fiona catches a snake, blows into its mouth, fashions it into a balloon animal and presents it to Shrek. Fiona starts a playful shoving match with Shrek, with Shrek ultimately flinging her into the bushes. She throws a twig at him as they both laugh, letting go of their balloons. Donkey jumps after them.
WINDMILL — EXTERIOR
After breaking out of the forest, the group arrives onto a small rise where an old, ruined windmill stands. The fields of Duloc stretch out before before, and further in the distance stands the Duloc Castle.
SHREK: There it is, princess. Your future awaits you.
FIONA: That’s Duloc?
Fiona stands with her arm on Shrek’s, but Donkey butts in-between them. They both shrug at each other.
DONKEY: Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad’s compensating for something, which I think means he has a really…
Shrek interrupts Donkey by stepping on his foot, causing him to fall to the ground in pain. Fiona gives Shrek a suspicious look.
DONKEY: Oww!
SHREK: Um, I, uh— I guess we better move on.
FIONA: Sure. But, Shrek? I’m— I’m worried about Donkey.
SHREK: What?
FIONA: I mean, look at him. He, he doesn’t look so good.
Nothing seems to be wrong with Donkey. Shrek smiles knowingly at Fiona.
DONKEY: What are you talking about? I’m fine.
Fiona kneels down and takes Donkey’s head in her arms.
FIONA: Well that’s what they always say and then…then…then the next thing you know, you’re on your back. Dead.
SHREK: You know, she’s right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?
FIONA: Uh, you know, I’ll make you some tea.
DONKEY: I didn’t want to say nothin’, but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look.
Donkey sharply leans his head to the side, letting off a loud crack.
DONKEY: Ow! See?
Shrek and Fiona give each happy looks, having made up an excuse to stall for time.
SHREK: Who’s hungry? I’ll find us some dinner.
FIONA: I’ll get the firewood.
Shrek and Fiona both walk off in separate direction
DONKEY: Hey, where you goin’? Oh, man, I can’t feel my toes! (looks down and yelps) I don’t have any toes! I think I need a hug.
WINDMILL — EXTERIOR — EVENING
Shrek has built a fire and is cooking something on a spit while Fiona eats.
FIONA: Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?
SHREK: Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style.
FIONA: No kidding. Well, this is delicious.
SHREK: Well, they’re also great in stews. Now, I don’t mean to brag, but I make a mean weed rat stew.
Fiona smiles, but it quickly fades as she looks off at Duloc in the distance.
FIONA: I guess I’ll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.
SHREK: Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I’ll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare — you name it.
Fiona is now intently looking at Shrek, smiling.
FIONA: Hmmm, I’d like that.
They gaze into each other’s eyes longingly.
SHREK: Um…princess?
FIONA: Yes…Shrek?
SHREK: I, um, I was wondering…are you…(sighs) Are you gonna eat that?
Shrek points to her last piece of food. Fiona, expecting a different question, removes the weedrat while Shrek is annoyed by the words that couldn’t come out. Fiona hands it to Shrek and he grabs onto her hand. The two slowly lean towards each other. Donkey interrupts the moment.
DONKEY: Man, isn’t this romantic? Just look at that sunset.
Shrek and Fiona are both startled out of their moment. Fiona’s mood changes and she sits up to abruptly face the sunset.
FIONA: Sunset?! Oh, no! I mean, it’s late. I-It’s very late.
She begins backing up toward the windmill.
SHREK: What?
DONKEY: Wait a minute. I see what’s goin’ on here.
Fiona looks at Donkey and freezes with panic.
DONKEY: You’re afraid of the dark, aren’t you?
FIONA: Yes! Yes, that’s it. I’m terrified. You know, I’d better go inside.
She smiles as she turns around to walk up the windmill’s steps. She breathes a sigh of relief.
DONKEY: Don’t feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until — Hey, no, wait. I’m still afraid of the dark.
Shrek groans and Fiona chuckles.
FIONA: Good night.
SHREK: Good night.
Fiona goes inside the windmill, gives Shrek a look, and closes the door. Donkey looks at Shrek with a new eye.
DONKEY: Ohh! Now I really see what’s goin’ on here.
SHREK: Oh, what are you talkin’ about?’
Donkey trots over to Shrek as he kneels by the fire and fiddles with one of the spits.
DONKEY: I don’t even wanna hear it. Look, I’m an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin’ on each other. I could feel it.
SHREK: You’re crazy. I’m just bringing her back to Farquaad.
DONKEY: Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.
SHREK: I—there’s nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know— and I’m not sayin’ I do, ’cause I don’t — she’s a princess, and I’m…
DONKEY: An ogre?
SHREK: Yeah. An ogre.
Shrek tosses the spit aside and trudges away,
DONKEY: Hey, where you goin’?
SHREK: To get…more firewood.
Donkey looks suspiciously over at the large pile of firewood already piled up. Shrek sits on the hill and gazes out at Duloc until nightfall.
WINDMILL — EXTERIOR — NIGHT
Donkey opens the door to the windmill and steps in. The abandoned windmill is filed with shadows and cobwebs. All is quiet and Fiona is nowhere to be seen.
DONKEY: Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?
A group of birds flocks out the top of the roof, startling Donkey. He continues on.
DONKEY: Princess?
A hand grips the rungs of a ladder.
DONKEY: It’s very spooky in here. I ain’t playing no games.
Fiona looks at Donkey, cloaked in shadows, from up above on a platform. She tries to sneak away, but a wood plank breaks and she falls down with a crash. She screams and lands on a sack of flour, launching a cloud of flour into the air. Donkey is frozen with fear, unable to tell who the figure is.
DONKEY: Aah!
FIONA: No, no!
DONKEY: No, help!
FIONA: Shh!
An ogress emerges from the cloud of flour, approaching Donkey.
DONKEY: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
FIONA: No, it’s okay! It’s okay!
DONKEY: What did you do with the princess?!
FIONA: Donkey, shh! I’m the princess.
DONKEY: Aah!
FIONA: It’s me, in this body.
DONKEY: Oh, my God! You ate the princess. (to her stomach) Can you hear me?
FIONA: Donkey!
DONKEY: (still aimed at her stomach) Listen, keep breathing! I’ll get you out of there!
FIONA: No!
DONKEY: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
FIONA: (Covering Donkey’s mouth) Shh.
DONKEY: (Muffled) Shrek!
FIONA: This is me.
Donkey looks into her eyes as she pets his muzzle, and he calms down.
DONKEY: Princess…? What happened to you? You’re, uh…uh…eh…different.
FIONA: I’m ugly, okay?
DONKEY: Well, yeah! Well was it something you ate? ‘Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now—
FIONA: No! I — I’ve been this way as long as I can remember.
DONKEY: What do you mean? Look, I ain’t never seen you like this before.
FIONA: It only happens when sun goes down.
Fiona leans over a barrel filled with water, looking at her reflection.
FIONA: «By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm… until you find true love’s first kiss… and then take love’s true form.»
DONKEY: Aww, that’s beautiful. I didn’t know you wrote poetry.
FIONA: It’s a spell. (sigh) When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast!
Fiona smacks her reflection in the water, which splashes water onto Donkey.
FIONA: I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That’s why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me…like this.
She holds her head and begins to cry.
DONKEY: All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it’s not that bad. You’re not that ugly. Well, ok, I ain’t gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek’s ugly 24/7.
FIONA: But Donkey, I’m a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.
DONKEY: Princess, how ’bout if you don’t marry Farquaad?
FIONA: I have to. Only my true love’s kiss can break the spell.
DONKEY: But, you know, um…you’re kind of an ogre. And Shrek…well…you got a lot in common.
FIONA: Shrek?
WINDMILL EXTERIOR
Shrek is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in his hand, talking to himself.
SHREK: Princess, I— Uh, how’s it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I’m okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it’s pretty and— well, I don’t really like it but I thought you might like it ’cause you’re pretty. But I like you anyway. I’d— uh, uh…(sighs) I’m in trouble. Okay, here we go.
He walks up to the door and pauses outside when he hears Donkey and Fiona talking.
FIONA: I can’t just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? «Princess» and «ugly» don’t go together. That’s why I can’t stay here with Shrek.
Shrek steps back in shock, misunderstanding the conversation’s meaning.
FIONA: My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love. Don’t you see, Donkey? That’s just how it has to be.
Shrek heaves a deep sigh. He throws the flower down and walks away.
WINDMILL INTERIOR
FIONA: It’s the only way to break the spell.
DONKEY: Well you at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.
Donkey walks over to the door.
FIONA: No! You can’t breathe a word. No one must ever know.
DONKEY: What’s the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?
FIONA: Promise you won’t tell. Promise!
DONKEY: All right, all right. I won’t tell him. But you should.
Donkey steps outside and talks to himself
DONKEY: I just know before this is over, I’m gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin’.
Fiona opens the door and watches him walk away. She looks down and spots the sunflower left by the door. She picks it up and looks around, then heads back inside and closes the door. Donkey falls asleep by the fire outside.
WINDMILL INTERIOR — MORNING
Donkey is asleep. Fiona is still awake, plucking at petals from the sunflower.
FIONA: I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not…
Fiona picks the last petal off the sunflower, smiling.
FIONA: I tell him! Shrek!
She opens the door and steps outside.
FIONA: Shrek! There’s something I want…
Fiona looks around for Shrek only to see Donkey sleeping. She sees the rising sun, and as the sun crests the sky, she turns back into a human. She looks up again to see Shrek stomping towards her. She hurries over to him.
FIONA: Shrek! Are you all right?
She puts her hand on his arm, but he nudges it away and walks past her.
SHREK: Perfect! Never been better.
FIONA: I…I don’t…there’s something I have to tell you.
SHREK: You don’t have to tell me anything, princess. I heard enough last night.
FIONA: You heard what I said?
SHREK: Every word.
Shrek sits down on the steps of the windmill and faces Fiona.
FIONA: I thought you’d understand.
SHREK: Oh, I understand. Like you said, «Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?»
FIONA: But I thought that wouldn’t matter to you.
SHREK: Yeah? Well, it does.
Fiona looks at him in shock, tears welling in her eyes. Shrek looks past her and spots a group approaching.
SHREK: Ah, right on time. Princess, I’ve brought you a little something.
Shrek gestures towards the group and Fiona stands with her mouth wide. Farquaad arrives on horseback, appearing taller than usual, along with an escort of guards. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the guards march by.
DONKEY: What’d I miss? What’d I miss?
One of the guards looms over him and he begins to scurry away, muttering to himself.
DONKEY: Who said that? Couldn’t have been the donkey.
Farquaad stops his horse in front of Fiona.
FARQUAAD: Princess Fiona.
SHREK: As promised. Now hand it over.
FARQUAAD: Very well, ogre. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed. Take it and go before I change my mind.
Shrek snatches the deed out of the hands of a guard and walks away. Fiona is put off by this exchange. She reverts her attention back to the long-awaited Lord Farquaad.
FARQUAAD: Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me—for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I am Lord Farquaad.
FIONA: Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short…
Farquaad snaps his finger and is lifted off his horse by his guards. Left behind on the horse is a large set of gauntlets and a pair of leg extenders that reached down to the stirrups, which made him look so tall on the saddle. and set down in front of her. Standing at the height of four and a half feet, he is much shorter than Fiona. Her look turns from nervousness to bemusement, and she awkwardly smiles.
FIONA: …farewell.
FARQUAAD: Oh, that is so sweet. You don’t have to waste good manners on the ogre. It’s not like it has feelings.
FIONA: No, you’re right. It doesn’t.
Shrek, still standing nearby with his back turned, is hurt by the comment. Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face.
FARQUAAD: Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.
Farquaad gets down on one knee and takes Fiona’s hand, pulling her down sharply.
FARQUAAD: Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?
Fiona makes eye contact with Shrek before he turns away. Her sad look turns to bitterness.
FIONA: Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make—
FARQUAAD: Excellent! I’ll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!
FIONA: No!
Shrek spins back around with a hopeful look on his face while Fiona tries to regain her composure.
FIONA: I mean—ah, why wait? Let’s get married today. Before sunset.
Shrek scowls and turns away.
FARQUAAD: Oh, anxious, are we? You’re right. The sooner, the better. There’s so much to do!
Farquaad snaps his fingers and is lifted onto his horse by his guard. The guard offers Fiona assistance, but she looks up onto the saddle on her own.
FARQUAAD: There’s the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!
Fiona, Farquaad, and his guards set off towards Duloc. Fiona gives Shrek one last spiteful look.
FIONA: Fare thee well, ogre.
Donkey catches up to Shrek as he his walking away.
DONKEY: Shrek, what are you doing? You’re letting her get away!
SHREK: Yeah? So what?
DONKEY: Shrek there’s something about her you don’t know. Look, I— I talked to her last night… She’s —
SHREK: Yeah I know you talked to her last night. You’re great pals, aren’t ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don’t you follow her home?!
DONKEY: But Shrek, I— I wanna go with you.
SHREK: Hey I told you, didn’t I? You’re not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!
DONKEY: But, I thought…
SHREK: Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong! (stomps off)
DONKEY: Shrek.
Montage of different scenes. Shrek arrives back home. The swamp is a mess but the fairytale creatures are gone. Fiona is being fitted for her wedding dress. Shrek throws a sunflower into the fireplace. Farquaad proudly tries on his crown. Fiona stares at her wedding cake, pushing down a figure of Farquaad to show his actual height. She notices a suit of armor that reminds her of Shrek. Donkey stops by a river where he finds Dragon crying, both of them happy to see each other. Shrek and Fiona both try to eat dinner but start crying.
SHREK’S HOME
Shrek is sitting at the dinner table when he hears a sound outside. He goes outside to investigate, and sees Donkey assembling a line of branches and small rocks.
SHREK: Donkey? What are you doing?
DONKEY: I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.
SHREK: Well, yeah. But the wall’s supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.
DONKEY: It is, around your half. See that’s your half, and this is my half.
SHREK: Oh! Your half? Hmm.
DONKEY: Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.
Shrek starts pulling down the wall and picks up a large branch. Donkey butts his head against it and the two struggle over it.
SHREK: Back off!
DONKEY: No, you back off.
SHREK: This is my swamp!
DONKEY: Our swamp!
SHREK: Let go, Donkey!
DONKEY: You let go!
SHREK: Stubborn jackass!
DONKEY: Smelly ogre.
SHREK: Fine!
Shrek suddenly lets go of the branch, tripping Donkey over, and he walks away.
DONKEY: Hey, hey, come back here. I’m not through with you yet.
SHREK: Well, I’m through with you!
Donkey starts following him.
DONKEY: Uh-uh! You know, with you it’s always «me, me, me!» Well, guess what! Now it’s my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention!
Just as Shrek nears the door to his home, Donkey jumps in front of him. Shrek walks in another direction.
DONKEY: You are mean to me! You insult me and you don’t appreciate anything that I do! You’re always pushing me around or pushing me away.
SHREK: Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?
DONKEY: Because that’s what friends do! They forgive each other!
SHREK: Oh, yeah. You’re right, Donkey. I forgive you…for stabbing me in the back!
Shrek enters the outhouse and slams the door behind him.
DONKEY: Uhhhh! You’re so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you’re afraid of your own feelings.
SHREK: Go away!
DONKEY: See! There you are, doing it again just like you did to Fiona. And all she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.
SHREK: Love me? She said I was ugly! A hideous creature! I heard the two of you talking.
DONKEY: She wasn’t talkin’ about you. She was talkin’ about…uh…somebody else.
After a brief silence, Shrek comes up of the outhouse.
SHREK: She wasn’t talking about me? Well then who was she talking about?
Donkey turns his back to Shrek.
DONKEY: Uh-uh, no way. I ain’t saying anything. You don’t wanna listen to me. Right? Right?
SHREK: Donkey!
DONKEY: No!
SHREK: Okay, look. I’m sorry, all right?
Donkey turns his head back to raise his eyebrow, and then looks away again. Shrek sighs.
SHREK: I’m sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid…ugly ogre. Can you forgive me?
DONKEY: Hey, that’s what friends are for, right?
SHREK: Right. Friends?
DONKEY: Friends.
Shrek and Donkey shake on it.
SHREK: So, um, what did Fiona say about me?
DONKEY: What are you asking me for? Why don’t you just go ask her?
SHREK: The wedding! We’ll never make it in time.
DONKEY: Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there’s a will, there’s a way and I have a way.
Donkey whistles loudly, and Shrek looks up to see Dragon flying overhead.
SHREK: Donkey?!
DONKEY: I guess it’s just my animal magnetism.
SHREK: (laughs) Aw, come here, you.
Shrek scratches Donkey on the head.
DONKEY: All right, all right. Don’t get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven’t had a chance to install the seat belts yet.
Shrek climbs up the chain still slung around Dragon’s neck. Dragon lifts Donkey up with her hand. They take off, soaring through the clouds and to Duloc.
DULOC CATHEDRAL — INTERIOR
The church is packed with citizens. Fiona and Farquaad are standing at the altar as the priest conducts the ceremony. Thelonius stands nearby, golding a pillow on which rests the two wedding rings. Men with prompter cards hold up cards that says ‘Revered Silence’.
BISHOP: People of Duloc, we gather here today to bear witness to the union….
Fiona glances nervously at the window, noticing the sun slowly dropping toward the horizon.
FIONA: Um-
BISHOP: …of our new king…
FIONA: Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the «I do’s»?
Farquaad chuckles then motions to the bishop to indulge Fiona.
FARQUAAD: Go on.
DULOC CATHEDRAL — EXTERIOR
A large group of guards stand outside the cathedral on watch. Suddenly Dragon lands nearby and the guards flee in terror. Dragon looks back at Donkey after him and Shrek climb off of her back.
DONKEY: Go ahead, have some fun. If we need you, I’ll whistle. How about that?
Dragon smiles, and nods, and takes off towards the town streets. Shrek runs for the cathedral doors but Donkey hurries to get in his way.
DONKEY: Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don’t you?
SHREK: What are you talking about?
DONKEY: There’s a line, there’s a line you gotta wait for. The priest is gonna say, «Speak now or forever hold your peace.» And that’s when you say, «I object!»
SHREK: Oh, I don’t have time for this!
DONKEY: Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me!
Shrek pushes past him but Donkey pins him against the door.
DONKEY: Look, you love this woman, don’t you?
SHREK: Yes.
DONKEY: You wanna hold her?
SHREK: Yes.
DONKEY: Please her?
SHREK: Yes!
DONKEY: (singing) «Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness». (talking) The chicks love that romantic crap!
SHREK: All right! Cut it out! When does this guy say the line?
DONKEY: We gotta check it out.
INTERIOR
As the bishop talks we see Donkey through one of the windows as Shrek tosses him up so he can see.
BISHOP: And so, by the power vested in me…
EXTERIOR
SHREK: What do you see?!
DONKEY: The whole town’s in there.
BISHOP: I now pronounce you husband and wife…
DONKEY: They’re at the altar!
PRIEST: …king and queen.
DONKEY: Mother Fletcher! He already said it.
SHREK: Oh, for the love of Pete!
Shrek runs inside without catching Donkey, who hits the ground hard.
INTERIOR
Fiona and Farquaad are leaning in to kiss, but are interrupted when Shrek bursts through the doors. They both turn to see him running down the aisle.
SHREK: I object!
FIONA: Shrek?
Fiona initially looks happily surprised to see him, but quickly becomes upset. The bishop gasps, shuts his book, and quietly slinks off.
FARQUAAD: Oh, now what does he want?
The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek walk ahead towards the altar. They respond positively to him and begin to do «the wave».
SHREK: Hi, everyone. Havin’ a good time, are ya? I love Duloc, first of all. Very clean.
FIONA: What are you doing here?
FARQUAAD: Really, it’s rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding…
Shrek initially seems taken aback by Lord Farquaad’s harsh comment, but he quickly brushes it off and turns his attention towards Fiona.
SHREK: Fiona! I need to talk to you.
FIONA: Oh, now you wanna talk? It’s a little late for that, so if you’ll excuse me—
She leans over to kiss Farquaad but Shrek pulls her away by the hand.
SHREK: But you can’t marry him!
She frees her hand from his grip.
FIONA: And why not?
SHREK: Because—because he’s just marrying you so he can be king!
The crowd gasps.
FARQUAAD: Outrageous! Fiona, don’t listen to him—
SHREK: He’s not your true love.
FIONA: And what do you know about true love?!
SHREK: Well, I—uh—I mean…
Fiona is taken aback by this.
FARQUAAD: Oh, this is precious. (laughs) The ogre has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. (laughs)
Farquaad gestures to the man with the prompter card holds up a card that says ‘Laugh’. The whole congregation laughs.
FARQUAAD: An ogre and a princess! (laughs)
Shrek looks back at the laughing crowd and then down at the floor, dejected.
FIONA: Shrek, is this true?
Just as Shrek opens his mouth to speak—
FARQUAAD: Who cares?! It’s preposterous! Fiona, my love, we’re but a kiss away from our «happily ever after.» Now kiss me!
Farquaad holds Fiona’s hand, puckers his lips, and leans toward her. She looks down at him with disgust, and then averts her attention to the window. The sun is just about to set.
FIONA: «By night one way, by day another.» I wanted to show you before.
Fiona backs up and gives Shrek a sheepish smile. As the sun sets, she changes into her ogre self. The crowd gasps and one person faints. Shrek stares at Fiona in astonishment, and then grins.
SHREK: Well, uh, that explains a lot!
Fiona locks eyes with Shrek and smiles.
FARQUAAD: Ugh! It’s disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now!
A large amount of guards run in and grab ahold of Shrek and Fiona.
FARQUAAD: Get them! Get them both!
FIONA: No, no! Shrek!
Shrek and Fiona try to grab each other’s arms but are pulled away from each other. Farquaad grabs ahold of his crown and puts it on.
FARQUAAD: This hocus-pocus alters nothing! This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See?! See?!
FIONA: No, let go of me! Shrek!
SHREK: No!
FARQUAAD: Don’t just stand there, you morons!
SHREK: Get out of my way! Fiona!
FARQUAAD: Kill him if you have to—but get him!
Shrek angrily fights back and knocks out a few of the guards, but they are able to subdue him through sheer numbers.
FARQUAAD: Beast, I’ll make you regret the day we met! I’ll see you drawn and quartered! You’ll beg for death to save you!
FIONA: No, Shrek!
FARQUAAD: And as for you, my wife!
Farquaad pulls out a dagger and holds it to Fiona’s throat.
SHREK: Fiona!
FARQUAAD: I’ll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I’m king!
Shrek manages to pulls his arm free and he whistles loudly.
FARQUAAD: I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have—
Suddenly Dragon, with Donkey atop her head, crashes through a large window behind him. Farquaad drops his weapon and looks up.
FARQUAAD: Arrrggghhh!
Dragon swoops down and swallows him up in one gulp. The guards either run away or step back.
DONKEY: All right! Nobody move! I got a dragon here, and I’m not afraid to use it.
Dragon roars, causing most of the guards to away in fear. The remaining guards let go of Shrek and Fiona, backing away.
DONKEY: I’m a donkey on the edge!
Dragon belches and Farquaad’s crown flies out of her mouth and falls to the ground.
DONKEY: Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?
The congregation laughs and cheers.
DONKEY: Go ahead, Shrek.
SHREK: Uh, Fiona?
FIONA: Yes, Shrek?
SHREK: I — I love you.
FIONA: Really?
SHREK: Really, really.
FIONA: I love you too.
Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of the cards and writes ‘Awwww’ on the back and shows it to the congregation. Suddenly the magic of the spell pulls Fiona away. She’s lifted up into the air and she hovers while the magic works around her. Fiona’s voice is heard although she isn’t moving her lips.
VOICE: «Until you find true love’s first kiss and then take love’s true form. Take love’s true form. Take love’s true form.»
Suddenly Fiona’s eyes open wide and light up. The force of the spell blows against the crowd and all the windows. All except for one with an image of Farquaad on it, which Dragon breaks with her fist. Fiona is lowered to the ground and Shrek runs up to her.
SHREK: Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?
Fiona slowly stands up, still an ogress.
FIONA: Well, yes…but I don’t understand. I’m supposed to be beautiful.
SHREK: But you are beautiful.
They smile at each other.
DONKEY: I was hoping this would be a happy ending.
Shrek and Fiona kiss and the kiss fades into…
THE SWAMP
…their wedding kiss. Shrek and Fiona are now joined in matrimony in Shrek’s swamp. Among the attendees are the fairytale creatures once banished to the swamp, as well as a few Duloc Guards. Shrek and Fiona walk down the aisle to their awaiting carriage, which is made of a giant onion. Fiona tosses her bouquet which both Cinderella and Snow White try to catch. They end get into a cat fight and Dragon catches the bouquet instead. Donkey looks nervous, but Shrek and Fiona give him reassuring looks. The Gingerbread Man has been mended somewhat and now has one leg and walks with a candy cane cane.
GINGERBREAD MAN: God bless us, every one.
The guests party and dance as Donkey takes over singing the song. Shrek and Fiona ride away in their carriage. Cut to a storybook that reads «And they lived ugly ever after…THE END».
DONKEY: (as he’s done singing and we fade to black) Oh, that’s funny. Oh. Oh. I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe.
THE END
Шрэк
/
Shrek
(2001-05-16) — субтитры фильма
Сюжет фильма
Жил да был в сказочном государстве большой зеленый великан по имени Шрэк. Жил он в гордом одиночестве в лесу, на болоте, которое считал своим. Но однажды злобный коротышка — лорд Фаркуад, правитель волшебного королевства, безжалостно согнал на Шрэково болото всех сказочных обитателей. И беспечной жизни зеленого тролля пришел конец. Но лорд Фаркуад пообещал вернуть Шреку болото, если великан добудет ему прекрасную принцессу Фиону , которая томится в неприступной башне, охраняемой огнедышащим драконом…
Последние изученные слова (всего 126 для этого фильма)
- groan — 8 октября, 2020
- abuse — 8 октября, 2020
- eligible — 8 октября, 2020
- sigh — 8 октября, 2020
- creak — 8 октября, 2020
- chuckle — 8 октября, 2020
- whirlwind — 8 октября, 2020
- scream — 5 октября, 2020
- whimper — 5 октября, 2020
- clatter — 16 сентября, 2020
- turnstile — 16 сентября, 2020
- stubborn — 16 сентября, 2020
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00:00:16
[ Man ] «Once upon a time
there was a lovely princess.
[Мужчина] «Давным-давно
жила-была прекрасная принцесса.
«But she had an enchantment
upon her of a fearful sort…
«Но она была заколдована
силами зла…
«which could only be broken
by love’s first kiss.
«и только первый поцелуй мог
спасти ее от этих чар.
«She was locked away
in a castle…
«Она была заперта в замке…
«guarded by a terrible
fire-breathing dragon.
«который охранял злой
огнедышащий дракон.
00:00:36
«Many brave knights had attempted
to free her from this dreadful prison,
«Многие отважные рыцари пытались
освободить ее из ужасной темницы,
«but none prevailed.
«но их попытки были тщетными.
«She waited in
the dragon’s keep…
«Так она и ждала, заточенная…
«in the highest room
of the tallest tower…
«в верхней комнате самой
высокой башни…
for her true love
and true love’s first kiss. «
своей первой настоящей любви
и страстного поцелуя».
00:00:53
[ Laughing ]
Like that’s ever gonna happen.
[ Раздается смех ]
Сказки, да и только.
— [ Paper Rustling, Toilet Flushes ]
— What a load of—
— [ Шелест бумаги,
звук смываемой воды ]
— Что за ерунда…
Somebody once told me
the world is gonna roll me
Робин-Бобин кое-как
I ain’t the sharpest tool
in the shed
Подкрепился натощак
She was lookin’ kind of dumb
with her finger and her thumb
Съел теленка утром рано
00:01:14
In the shape of an «L»
on her forehead
Двух овечек и барана
The years start comin’
and they don’t stop comin’
Съел корову целиком
Fed to the rules
and I hit the ground runnin’
И прилавок с мясником
Didn’t make sense
not to live for fun
Сотню жаворонков в тесте
Your brain gets smart
but your head gets dumb
И коня с телегой вместе
00:01:28
So much to do
So much to see
Кто поверит, что вчера
So what’s wrong with
takin’ the backstreets
Съел он целого тунца
You’ll never know
if you don’t go
Пять церквей
You’ll never shine
if you don’t glow
И колоколен —
Hey, now
You’re an all-star
Да еще и недоволен!
00:01:40
Get your game on, go play
Робин-Бобин
Hey, now, you’re a rock star
Get the show on, get paid
Наш крепыш
And all that
glitters is gold
Знает толк в еде малыш
Only shootin’ stars
break the mold
Съел теленка утром рано
It’s a cool place
and they say it gets colder
Двух овечек и барана
00:01:58
You’re bundled up now
but wait till you get older
Съел корову целиком
But the meteor men
beg to differ
И прилавок с мясником
Judging by the hole
in the satellite picture
Сотню жаворонков в тесте
The ice we skate
is gettin’ pretty thin
И коня с телегой вместе
The water’s getting warm
so you might as well swim
Пять церквей
00:02:09
My world’s on fire
How ’bout yours
И колоколен
That’s the way I like it
and I’ll never get bored
Да еще и недоволен
— Hey, now, you’re an all-star
— [ Shouting ]
— Робин-Бобин хоть куда
— [ Кричит ]
Get your game on, go play
Молодчина, вот тебе на
Hey, now, you’re a rock star
Get the show on, get paid
Робин-Бобин
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1
Once upon a time
in a kingdom far, far away,
the king and queen were blessed
with a beautiful baby girl.
And throughout the land,
everyone was happy…
until the sun went down
and they saw that their daughter was
cursed with a frightful enchantment
that took hold each and every night.
Desperate, they sought the help
of a fairy godmother
who had them lock the young princess
away in a tower,
there to await the kiss…
of the handsome Prince Charming.
It was he who would chance
the perilous journey
through blistering cold
and scorching desert
traveling for many days and nights,
risking life and limb
to reach the Dragon’s keep.
For he was the bravest,
and most handsome…
in all the land.
And it was destiny that his kiss
would break the dreaded curse.
He alone would climb to the highest room
of the tallest tower
to enter the princess’s chambers,
cross the room to her sleeping silhouette,
pull back the gossamer curtains
to find her…
What?
— Princess… Fiona?
— No!
Oh, thank heavens.
Where is she?
— She’s on her honeymoon.
— Honeymoon? With whom?
— She’s on her honeymoon.
— Honeymoon? With whom?
So she said
what’s the problem, baby?
What’s the problem?
I don’t know
Well, maybe I’m in love
Think about it
every time I think ’bout it
Can’t stop thinking ’bout it
How much longer
will it take to cure this?
Just to cure it,
’cause I can’t ignore it
If it’s love, love
Makes me wanna turn around
and face me
But I don’t know nothing
’bout love
Oh, come on, come on
— Turn a little faster
Come on, come on
The world will follow after
Come on, come on
Everybody’s after love
So I said
I’m a snowball running
Running down into this spring
that’s coming all this love
Melting under blue skies
belting out sunlight
Shimmering love
Well, baby, I surrender
To the strawberry ice cream
Never ever end of all this love
Well, I didn’t mean to do it
But there’s no escaping your love
These lines of lightning
mean we’re never alone
Never alone, no, no
Come on, come on
Jump a little higher
Come on, come on
If you feel a little lighter
Come on, come on
We were once upon a time in love
Hyah!
We’re accidentally in love
Accidentally in love
Accidentally in love
Accidentally in love
Accidentally in love
Accidentally in love
Accidentally in love
Accidentally
I’m in love, I’m in love,
I’m in love, I’m in love
I’m in love, I’m in love
Accidentally in love
I’m in love
I’m in love
lt’s so good to be home!
Just you and me and…
— Two can be as bad as one…
— Donkey?
Shrek! Fiona! Aren’t you two
a sight for sore eyes!
Give us a hug, Shrek,
you old love machine.
And look at you, Mrs. Shrek.
How ’bout a side of sugar for the steed?
Donkey, what are you doing here?
Taking care of your love nest for you.
Oh, you mean like… sorting the mail
and watering the plants?
— Yeah, and feeding the fish!
— l don’t have any fish.
You do now. l call that one Shrek
and the other Fiona.
That Shrek is a rascally devil.
Get your…
Look at the time.
l guess you’d better be going.
Don’t you want to tell me about your trip?
Or how about a game of Parcheesi?
Actually, Donkey? Shouldn’t you be
getting home to Dragon?
Oh, yeah, that.
l don’t know.
She’s been all moody and stuff lately.
l thought l’d move in with you.
You know we’re always happy
to see you, Donkey.
But Fiona and l are married now.
We need a little time, you know,
to be together.
Just with each other.
Alone.
Say no more.
You don’t have to worry about a thing.
l will always be here to make sure
nobody bothers you.
SHREK
Written by
William Steig & Ted Elliott
SHREK
Once upon a time there was a lovely
princess. But she had an enchantment
upon her of a fearful sort which could
only be broken by love's first kiss.
She was locked away in a castle guarded
by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.
Many brave knights had attempted to
free her from this dreadful prison,
but non prevailed. She waited in the
dragon's keep in the highest room of
the tallest tower for her true love
and true love's first kiss. (laughs)
Like that's ever gonna happen. What
a load of - (toilet flush)
Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his
day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go
after the ogre.
NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME
MAN1
Think it's in there?
MAN2
All right. Let's get it!
MAN1
Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that
thing can do to you?
MAN3
Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's
bread.
Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs.
SHREK
Yes, well, actually, that would be a
giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse.
They'll make a suit from your freshly
peeled skin.
MEN
No!
SHREK
They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the
jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's
quite good on toast.
MAN1
Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!
(waves the torch at Shrek.)
Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The
men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long
and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the
men are in the dark.
SHREK
This is the part where you run away.
(The men scramble to get away. He laughs.)
And stay out! (looks down and picks
up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted.
Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and
throws the paper over his shoulder.)
THE NEXT DAY
There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard
sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures
to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line
are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto
who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three
little pigs.
GUARD
All right. This one's full. Take it
away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!
HEAD GUARD
Next!
GUARD
(taking the witch's broom) Give me that!
Your flying days are over. (breaks the
broom in half)
HEAD GUARD
That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch.
Next!
GUARD
Get up! Come on!
HEAD GUARD
Twenty pieces.
LITTLE BEAR
(crying) This cage is too small.
DONKEY
Please, don't turn me in. I'll never
be stubborn again. I can change. Please!
Give me another chance!
OLD WOMAN
Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope)
DONKEY
Oh!
HEAD GUARD
Next! What have you got?
GIPETTO
This little wooden puppet.
PINOCCHIO
I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his
nose grows)
HEAD GUARD
Five shillings for the possessed toy.
Take it away.
PINOCCHIO
Father, please! Don't let them do this!
Help me!
Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up
to the table.
HEAD GUARD
Next! What have you got?
OLD WOMAN
Well, I've got a talking donkey.
HEAD GUARD
Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings,
if you can prove it.
OLD WOMAN
Oh, go ahead, little fella.
Donkey just looks up at her.
HEAD GUARD
Well?
OLD WOMAN
Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little
nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox.
Talk, you boneheaded dolt...
HEAD GUARD
That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!
OLD WOMAN
No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends
to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to
talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing
you ever saw.
HEAD GUARD
Get her out of my sight.
OLD WOMAN
No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!
The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One
of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's
hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled
with fairy dust and he's able to fly.
DONKEY
Hey! I can fly!
PETER PAN
He can fly!
3 LITTLE PIGS
He can fly!
HEAD GUARD
He can talk!
DONKEY
Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm
a flying, talking donkey. You might
have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly
but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey
fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins
to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink
to the ground.)
He hits the ground with a thud.
HEAD GUARD
Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.)
After him!
GUARDS
He's getting away! Get him! This way!
Turn!
Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally.
Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared
for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He
quickly hides behind Shrek.
HEAD GUARD
You there. Ogre!
SHREK
Aye?
HEAD GUARD
By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized
to place you both under arrest and transport
you to a designated resettlement facility.
SHREK
Oh, really? You and what army?
He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well
and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail
and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and
begins walking back to his cottage.
DONKEY
Can I say something to you? Listen,
you was really, really, really somethin'
back here. Incredible!
SHREK
Are you talkin' to...(he turns around
and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back
around and Donkey is right in front
of him.) Whoa!
DONKEY
Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell
you that you that you was great back
here? Those guards! They thought they
was all of that. Then you showed up,
and bam! They was trippin' over themselves
like babes in the woods. That really
made me feel good to see that.
SHREK
Oh, that's great. Really.
DONKEY
Man, it's good to be free.
SHREK
Now, why don't you go celebrate your
freedom with your own friends? Hmm?
DONKEY
But, uh, I don't have any friends. And
I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey,
wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll
stick with you. You're mean, green,
fightin' machine. Together we'll scare
the spit out of anybody that crosses
us.
Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very
loudly.
DONKEY
Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you
don't mind me sayin', if that don't
work, your breath certainly will get
the job done, 'cause you definitely
need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause
you breath stinks! You almost burned
the hair outta my nose, just like the
time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey
continues to talk, so Shrek removes
his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten
berries. I had strong gases leaking
out of my butt that day.
SHREK
Why are you following me?
DONKEY
I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause
I'm all alone, There's no one here beside
me, My problems have all gone, There's
no one to deride me, But you gotta have
faith...
SHREK
Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't
have any friends.
DONKEY
Wow. Only a true friend would be that
cruelly honest.
SHREK
Listen, little donkey. Take a look at
me. What am I?
DONKEY
(looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really
tall?
SHREK
No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your
torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that
bother you?
DONKEY
Nope.
SHREK
Really?
DONKEY
Really, really.
SHREK
Oh.
DONKEY
Man, I like you. What's you name?
SHREK
Uh, Shrek.
DONKEY
Shrek? Well, you know what I like about
you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me
thing. I like that. I respect that,
Shrek. You all right. (They come over
a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.)
Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live
in place like that?
SHREK
That would be my home.
DONKEY
Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful.
You know you are quite a decorator.
It's amazing what you've done with such
a modest budget. I like that boulder.
That is a nice boulder. I guess you
don't entertain much, do you?
SHREK
I like my privacy.
DONKEY
You know, I do too. That's another thing
we have in common. Like I hate it when
you got somebody in your face. You've
trying to give them a hint, and they
won't leave. There's that awkward silence.
(awkward silence) Can I stay with you?
SHREK
Uh, what?
DONKEY
Can I stay with you, please?
SHREK
(sarcastically) Of course!
DONKEY
Really?
SHREK
No.
DONKEY
Please! I don't wanna go back there!
You don't know what it's like to be
considered a freak. (pause while he
looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do.
But that's why we gotta stick together.
You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!
SHREK
Okay! Okay! But one night only.
DONKEY
Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage)
SHREK
What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto
a chair.) No! No!
DONKEY
This is gonna be fun! We can stay up
late, swappin' manly stories, and in
the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.
SHREK
Oh!
DONKEY
Where do, uh, I sleep?
SHREK
(irritated) Outside!
DONKEY
Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean,
I don't know you, and you don't know
me, so I guess outside is best, you
know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek
slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do
like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was
born outside. I'll just be sitting by
myself outside, I guess, you know. By
myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's
no one here beside me...
SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT
Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights
a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a
noise. He stands up with a huff.
SHREK
(to Donkey) I thought I told you to
stay outside.
DONKEY
(from the window) I am outside.
There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that
made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns
and spots 3 blind mice on his table.
BLIND MOUSE1
Well, gents, it's a far cry from the
farm, but what choice do we have?
BLIND MOUSE2
It's not home, but it'll do just fine.
GORDO
(bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed.
SHREK
Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes
and lands on his shoulder.)
GORDO
I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's
ear)
SHREK
Ow!
GORDO
Blah! Awful stuff.
BLIND MOUSE1
Is that you, Gordo?
GORDO
How did you know?
SHREK
Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are
you doing in my house? (He gets bumped
from behind and he drops the mice.)
Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves
with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no,
no, no. Dead broad off the table.
DWARF
Where are we supposed to put her? The
bed's taken.
SHREK
Huh?
Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain.
The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at
him.
BIG BAD WOLF
What?
TIME LAPSE
Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging
him to the front door.
SHREK
I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm
a terrifying ogre! What do I have to
do get a little privacy? (He opens the
front door to throw the Wolf out and
he sees that all the collected Fairy
Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh,
no. No! No!
The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his
pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing
flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc.
SHREK
What are you doing in my swamp? (this
echoes and everyone falls silent.)
Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a
tent.
SHREK
All right, get out of here. All of you,
move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya!
Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more
dwarves run inside the house) No, no!
No, no. Not there. Not there. (they
shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to
look at Donkey)
DONKEY
Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite
them.
PINOCCHIO
Oh, gosh, no one invited us.
SHREK
What?
PINOCCHIO
We were forced to come here.
SHREK
(flabbergasted) By who?
LITTLE PIG
Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed
and he...signed an eviction notice.
SHREK
(heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where
this Farquaad guy is?
Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers.
DONKEY
Oh, I do. I know where he is.
SHREK
Does anyone else know where to find
him? Anyone at all?
DONKEY
Me! Me!
SHREK
Anyone?
DONKEY
Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know!
Me, me!
SHREK
(sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy
tale things. Do not get comfortable.
Your welcome is officially worn out.
In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad
right now and get you all off my land
and back where you came from! (Pause.
Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey)
You! You're comin' with me.
DONKEY
All right, that's what I like to hear,
man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart
friends, off on a whirlwind big-city
adventure. I love it!
DONKEY
(singing) On the road again. Sing it
with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get
on the road again.
SHREK
What did I say about singing?
DONKEY
Can I whistle?
SHREK
No.
DONKEY
Can I hum it?
SHREK
All right, hum it.
Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'.
DULOC - KITCHEN
A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually
dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in.
FARQUAAD
That's enough. He's ready to talk.
The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down
onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the
table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes
up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered.
FARQUAAD
(he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs
and plays with them) Run, run, run,
as fast as you can. You can't catch
me. I'm the gingerbread man.
GINGERBREAD MAN
You are a monster.
FARQUAAD
I'm not the monster here. You are. You
and the rest of that fairy tale trash,
poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell
me! Where are the others?
GINGERBREAD MAN
Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's
eye.)
FARQUAAD
I've tried to be fair to you creatures.
Now my patience has reached its end!
Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to
pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons)
GINGERBREAD MAN
No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop
buttons.
FARQUAAD
All right then. Who's hiding them?
GINGERBREAD MAN
Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the
muffin man?
FARQUAAD
The muffin man?
GINGERBREAD MAN
The muffin man.
FARQUAAD
Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives
on Drury Lane?
GINGERBREAD MAN
Well, she's married to the muffin man.
FARQUAAD
The muffin man?
GINGERBREAD MAN
The muffin man!
FARQUAAD
She's married to the muffin man.
The door opens and the Head Guard walks in.
HEAD GUARD
My lord! We found it.
FARQUAAD
Then what are you waiting for? Bring
it in.
More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet.
They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic
Mirror.
GINGERBREAD MAN
(in awe) Ohhhh...
FARQUAAD
Magic mirror...
GINGERBREAD MAN
Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks
him up and dumps him into a trash can
with a lid.) No!
FARQUAAD
Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall.
Is this not the most perfect kingdom
of them all?
MIRROR
Well, technically you're not a king.
FARQUAAD
Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a
hand mirror and smashes it with his
fist.) You were saying?
MIRROR
What I mean is you're not a king yet.
But you can become one. All you have
to do is marry a princess.
FARQUAAD
Go on.
MIRROR
(chuckles nervously) So, just sit back
and relax, my lord, because it's time
for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes.
And here they are! Bachelorette number
one is a mentally abused shut-in from
a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi
and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies
include cooking and cleaning for her
two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.
(shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette
number two is a cape-wearing girl from
the land of fancy. Although she lives
with seven other men, she's not easy.
Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and
find out what a live wire she is. Come
on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows
picture of Snow White) And last, but
certainly not last, bachelorette number
three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded
castle surrounded by hot boiling lava!
But don't let that cool you off. She's
a loaded pistol who likes pina colads
and getting caught in the rain. Yours
for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows
picture of Princess Fiona) So will it
be bachelorette number one, bachelorette
number two or bachelorette number three?
GUARDS
Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!
FARQUAAD
Three? One? Three?
THELONIUS
Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number
three, my lord!
FARQUAAD
Okay, okay, uh, number three!
MIRROR
Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess
Fiona.
FARQUAAD
Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I
have to do is just find someone who
can go...
MIRROR
But I probably should mention the little
thing that happens at night.
FARQUAAD
I'll do it.
MIRROR
Yes, but after sunset...
FARQUAAD
Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona
my queen, and DuLoc will finally have
the perfect king! Captain, assemble
your finest men. We're going to have
a tournament. (smiles evilly)
DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section
Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking
lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high.
DONKEY
But that's it. That's it right there.
That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.
SHREK
So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.
DONKEY
Uh-huh. That's the place.
SHREK
Do you think maybe he's compensating
for something? (He laughs, but then
groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke.
He continues walking through the parking
lot.)
DONKEY
Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.
MAN
Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.
SHREK
Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing
a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad,
screams and begins running through the
rows of rope to get to the front gate
to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second.
Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just
- - I just - - (He sighs and then begins
walking straight through the rows. The
attendant runs into a wall and falls
down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then
continue on into DuLoc.)
DULOC
They look around but all is quiet.
SHREK
It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?
DONKEY
Hey, look at this!
Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box
marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors
open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin
to sing.
WOODEN PEOPLE
Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town
Here we have some rules
Let us lay them down
Don't make waves, stay in line
And we'll get along fine
DuLoc is perfect place
Please keep off of the grass
Shine your shoes, wipe your... face
DuLoc is, DuLoc is
DuLoc is perfect place.
Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture.
DONKEY
Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready
to run over and pull the lever again)
SHREK
(grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still)
No. No. No, no, no! No.
They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena.
FARQUAAD
Brave knights. You are the best and
brightest in all the land. Today one
of you shall prove himself...
As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena
Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song.
SHREK
All right. You're going the right way
for a smacked bottom.
DONKEY
Sorry about that.
FARQUAAD
That champion shall have the honor -
- no, no - - the privilege to go forth
and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona
from the fiery keep of the dragon. If
for any reason the winner is unsuccessful,
the first runner-up will take his place
and so on and so forth. Some of you
may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing
to make. (cheers) Let the tournament
begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is
that? It's hideous!
SHREK
(turns to look at Donkey and then back
at Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice.
It's just a donkey.
FARQUAAD
Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who
kills the ogre will be named champion!
Have it him!
MEN
Get him!
SHREK
Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps
into a table where there are mugs of
beer)
CROWD
Go ahead! Get him!
SHREK
(holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just
settle this over a pint?
CROWD
Kill the beast!
SHREK
No? All right then. (drinks the beer)
Come on!
He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel
of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the
other men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrek slides
past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped.
As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger
beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll.
Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much
fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice
to say that Shrek kicks butt.
DONKEY
Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!
Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkeys. Shrek
gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd.
SHREK
Yeah!
A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time
and sees him.
WOMAN
The chair! Give him the chair!
Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men
are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding
sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild.
SHREK
Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you
very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try
the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs)
The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on
Shrek.
HEAD GUARD
Shall I give the order, sir?
FARQUAAD
No, I have a better idea. People of
DuLoc, I give you our champion!
SHREK
What?
FARQUAAD
Congratulations, ogre. You're won the
honor of embarking on a great and noble
quest.
SHREK
Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest
to get my swamp back.
FARQUAAD
Your swamp?
SHREK
Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those
fairy tale creatures!
FARQUAAD
Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you
a deal. Go on this quest for me, and
I'll give you your swamp back.
SHREK
Exactly the way it was?
FARQUAAD
Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.
SHREK
And the squatters?
FARQUAAD
As good as gone.
SHREK
What kind of quest?
Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field
heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion.
DONKEY
Let me get this straight. You're gonna
go fight a dragon and rescue a princess
just so Farquaad will give you back
a swamp which you only don't have because
he filled it full of freaks in the first
place. Is that about right?
SHREK
You know, maybe there's a good reason
donkeys shouldn't talk.
DONKEY
I don't get it. Why don't you just pull
some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle
him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds
his bones to make your bread, the whole
ogre trip.
SHREK
Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have
decapitated an entire village and put
their heads on a pike, gotten a knife,
cut open their spleen and drink their
fluids. Does that sound good to you?
DONKEY
Uh, no, not really, no.
SHREK
For your information, there's a lot
more to ogres than people think.
DONKEY
Example?
SHREK
Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions.
(he holds out his onion)
DONKEY
(sniffs the onion) They stink?
SHREK
Yes - - No!
DONKEY
They make you cry?
SHREK
No!
DONKEY
You leave them in the sun, they get
all brown, start sproutin' little white
hairs.
SHREK
No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres
have layers! Onions have layers. You
get it? We both have layers. (he heaves
a sigh and then walks off)
DONKEY
(trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both
have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know,
not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody
loves cakes! Cakes have layers.
SHREK
I don't care... what everyone likes.
Ogres are not like cakes.
DONKEY
You know what else everybody likes?
Parfaits. Have you ever met a person,
you say, "Let's get some parfait," they
say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"?
Parfaits are delicious.
SHREK
No! You dense, irritating, miniature
beast of burden! Ogres are like onions!
And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.
DONKEY
Parfaits may be the most delicious thing
on the whole damn planet.
SHREK
You know, I think I preferred your humming.
DONKEY
Do you have a tissue or something? I'm
making a mess. Just the word parfait
make me start slobbering.
They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through
a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying
to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem,
so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out.
DRAGON'S KEEP
Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that's supposed to
house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano.
DONKEY
(sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?
You gotta warn somebody before you just
crack one off. My mouth was open and
everything.
SHREK
Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd
be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We
must be getting close.
DONKEY
Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking
about it's the brimstone. I know what
I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It
didn't come off no stone neither.
They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. There
is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where
the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very
foreboding.
SHREK
Sure, it's big enough, but look at the
location. (laughs...then the laugh turns
into a groan)
DONKEY
Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said
ogres have layers?
SHREK
Oh, aye.
DONKEY
Well, I have a bit of a confession to
make. Donkeys don't have layers. We
wear our fear right out there on our
sleeves.
SHREK
Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.
DONKEY
You know what I mean.
SHREK
You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.
DONKEY
No, I'm just a little uncomfortable
about being on a rickety bridge over
a boiling like of lava!
SHREK
Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside
ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll
just tackle this thing together one
little baby step at a time.
DONKEY
Really?
SHREK
Really, really.
DONKEY
Okay, that makes me feel so much better.
SHREK
Just keep moving. And don't look down.
DONKEY
Okay, don't look down. Don't look down.
Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't
look down. (he steps through a rotting
board and ends up looking straight down
into the lava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down!
Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me
off, please!
SHREK
But you're already halfway.
DONKEY
But I know that half is safe!
SHREK
Okay, fine. I don't have time for this.
You go back.
DONKEY
Shrek, no! Wait!
SHREK
Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance
then, shall me? (bounces and sways the
bridge)
DONKEY
Don't do that!
SHREK
Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces
the bridge again)
DONKEY
Yes, that!
SHREK
Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to
bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across
the bridge)
DONKEY
No, Shrek! No! Stop it!
SHREK
You said do it! I'm doin' it.
DONKEY
I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek,
I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground)
Oh!
SHREK
That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks
towards the castle)
DONKEY
Cool. So where is this fire-breathing
pain-in-the-neck anyway?
SHREK
Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.
(chuckles)
DONKEY
I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.
INSIDE THE CASTLE
DONKEY
You afraid?
SHREK
No.
DONKEY
But...
SHREK
Shh.
DONKEY
Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton
and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong
with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible
response to an unfamiliar situation.
Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might
add. With a dragon that breathes fire
and eats knights and breathes fire,
it sure doesn't mean you're a coward
if you're a little scared. I sure as
heck ain't no coward. I know that.
SHREK
Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up.
Now go over there and see if you can
find any stairs.
DONKEY
Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for
the princess.
SHREK
(putting on a helmet) The princess will
be up the stairs in the highest room
in the tallest tower.
DONKEY
What makes you think she'll be there?
SHREK
I read it in a book once. (walks off)
DONKEY
Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle
the stairs. I'll find those stairs.
I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs
won't know which way they're goin'.
(walks off)
EMPTY ROOM
Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room.
DONKEY
I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it
to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm
the stair master. I've mastered the
stairs. I wish I had a step right here.
I'd step all over it.
ELSEWHERE
Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window.
SHREK
Well, at least we know where the princess
is, but where's the...
DONKEY
(os) Dragon!
Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again.
Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon
breathes fire.
SHREK
Donkey, look out! (he manages to get
a hold of the dragons tail and holds
on) Got ya!
The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it's tail and Shrek
goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the
tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying
on the floor.
DONKEY
Oh! Aah! Aah!
Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small
part of the bridge he's on.
DONKEY
No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh,
what large teeth you have. (the dragon
growls) I mean white, sparkling teeth.
I know you probably hear this all time
from your food, but you must bleach,
'cause that is one dazzling smile you
got there. Do I detect a hint of minty
freshness? And you know what else? You're
- - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure!
I mean, of course you're a girl dragon.
You're just reeking of feminine beauty.
(the dragon begins fluttering her eyes
at him) What's the matter with you?
You got something in your eye? Ohh.
Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay,
but you know, I'm, uh...(the dragon
blows a smoke ring in the shape of a
heart right at him, and he coughs) I'm
an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd
work out if you're gonna blow smoke
rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him
up with her teeth and carries him off)
No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
FIONA'S ROOM
Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona
so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She
then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off
the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep.
Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for
a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders
and shakes her away.
FIONA
Oh! Oh!
SHREK
Wake up!
FIONA
What?
SHREK
Are you Princess Fiona?
FIONA
I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to
rescue me.
SHREK
Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!
FIONA
But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our
first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful,
romantic moment?
SHREK
Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.
FIONA
Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should
sweep me off my feet out yonder window
and down a rope onto your valiant steed.
SHREK
You've had a lot of time to plan this,
haven't you?
FIONA
(smiles) Mm-hmm.
Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down
the hallway.
FIONA
But we have to savor this moment! You
could recite an epic poem for me. A
ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!
SHREK
I don't think so.
FIONA
Can I at least know the name of my champion?
SHREK
Uh, Shrek.
FIONA
Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds
out a handkerchief) I pray that you
take this favor as a token of my gratitude.
SHREK
Thanks!
Suddenly they hear the dragon roar.
FIONA
(surprised)You didn't slay the dragon?
SHREK
It's on my to-do list. Now come on!
(takes off running and drags Fiona behind
him.)
FIONA
But this isn't right! You were meant
to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying.
That's what all the other knights did.
SHREK
Yeah, right before they burst into flame.
FIONA
That's not the point. (Shrek suddenly
stops and she runs into him.) Oh! (Shrek
ignores her and heads for a wooden door
off to the side.) Wait. Where are you
going? The exit's over there.
SHREK
Well, I have to save my ass.
FIONA
What kind of knight are you?
SHREK
One of a kind. (opens the door into
the throne room)
DONKEY
(os) Slow down. Slow down, baby, please.
I believe it's healthy to get to know
someone over a long period of time.
Just call me old-fashioned. (laughs
worriedly) (we see him up close and
from a distance as Shrek sneaks into
the room) I don't want to rush into
a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally
ready for a commitment of, uh, this
- - Magnitude really is the word I'm
looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that
is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what
are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just
back up a little and take this one step
at a time. We really should get to know
each other first as friends or pen pals.
I'm on the road a lot, but I just love
receiving cards - - I'd really love
to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's
my tail! That's my personal tail. You're
gonna tear it off. I don't give permission
- - What are you gonna do with that?
Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No.
No, no, no. No! Oh!
Shrek grabs a chain that's connected to the chandelier and swings
toward the dragon. He misses and he swings back again. He looks
up and spots that the chandelier is right above the dragons head.
He pulls on the chain and it releases and he falls down and bumps
Donkey out of the way right as the dragon is about to kiss him.
Instead the dragon kisses Shreks' butt. She opens her eyes and
roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto
her head, but it's too big and it goes over her head and forms
a sort of collar for her. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey
take off running. Very 'Matrix' style. Shrek grabs Donkey and
then grabs Princess Fiona as he runs past her.
DONKEY
Hi, Princess!
FIONA
It talks!
SHREK
Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's
the trick.
They all start screaming as the dragon gains on them. Shrek spots
a descending slide and jumps on. But unfortunately there is a
crack in the stone and it hits Shrek right in the groin. His
eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide he stumbles
off and walks lightly.
SHREK
Oh!
Shrek gets them close to the exit and sets down Donkey and Fiona.
SHREK
Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll
take care of the dragon.
Shrek grabs a sword and heads back toward the interior of the
castle. He throws the sword down in between several overlapping
chain links. The chain links are attached to the chandelier that
is still around the dragons neck.
SHREK
(echoing) Run!
They all take off running for the exit with the dragon in hot
pursuit. They make it to the bridge and head across. The dragons
breathes fire and the bridge begins to burn. They all hang on
for dear life as the ropes holding the bridge up collapse. They
are swung to the other side. As they hang upside down they look
in horror as the dragon makes to fly over the boiling lava to
get them. But suddenly the chandelier with the chain jerk the
dragon back and she's unable to get to them. Our gang climbs
quickly to safety as the dragon looks angry and then gives a
sad whimper as she watches Donkey walk away.
FIONA
(sliding down the 'volcano' hill) You
did it! You rescued me! You're amazing.
(behind her Donkey falls down the hill)
You're - - You're wonderful. You're...
(turns and sees Shrek fall down the
hill and bump into Donkey) a little
unorthodox I'll admit. But thy deed
is great, and thy heart is pure. I am
eternally in your debt. (Donkey clears
his throat.) And where would a brave
knight be without his noble steed?
DONKEY
I hope you heard that. She called me
a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.
FIONA
The battle is won. You may remove your
helmet, good Sir Knight.
SHREK
Uh, no.
FIONA
Why not?
SHREK
I have helmet hair.
FIONA
Please. I would'st look upon the face
of my rescuer.
SHREK
No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.
FIONA
But how will you kiss me?
SHREK
What? (to Donkey) That wasn't in the
job description.
DONKEY
Maybe it's a perk.
FIONA
No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know
how it goes. A princess locked in a
tower and beset by a dragon is rescued
by a brave knight, and then they share
true love's first kiss.
DONKEY
Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait.
Wait. You think that Shrek is you true
love?
FIONA
Well, yes.
Both Donkey and Shrek burst out laughing.
DONKEY
You think Shrek is your true love!
FIONA
What is so funny?
SHREK
Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?Fiona:
Of course, you are. You're my rescuer.
Now - - Now remove your helmet.
SHREK
Look. I really don't think this is a
good idea.
FIONA
Just take off the helmet.
SHREK
I'm not going to.
FIONA
Take it off.
SHREK
No!
FIONA
Now!
SHREK
Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.
(takes off his helmet)
FIONA
You- - You're a- - an ogre.
SHREK
Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.
FIONA
Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is
all wrong. You're not supposed to be
an ogre.
SHREK
Princess, I was sent to rescue you by
Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who
wants to marry you.
FIONA
Then why didn't he come rescue me?
SHREK
Good question. You should ask him that
when we get there.
FIONA
But I have to be rescued by my true
love, not by some ogre and his- - his
pet.
DONKEY
Well, so much for noble steed.
SHREK
You're not making my job any easier.
FIONA
I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem.
You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he
wants to rescue me properly, I'll be
waiting for him right here.
SHREK
Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all
right? (ominous) I'm a delivery boy.
(he swiftly picks her up and swings
her over his shoulder like she was a
sack of potatoes)
FIONA
You wouldn't dare. Put me down!
SHREK
Ya comin', Donkey?
DONKEY
I'm right behind ya.
FIONA
Put me down, or you will suffer the
consequences! This is not dignified!
Put me down!
WOODS
A little time has passed and Fiona has calmed down. She just
hangs there limply while Shrek carries her.
DONKEY
Okay, so here's another question. Say
there's a woman that digs you, right,
but you don't really like her that way.
How do you let her down real easy so
her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't
get burned to a crisp and eaten?
FIONA
You just tell her she's not your true
love. Everyone knows what happens when
you find your...(Shrek drops her on
the ground) Hey! The sooner we get to
DuLoc the better.
DONKEY
You're gonna love it there, Princess.
It's beautiful!
FIONA
And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad?
What's he like?
SHREK
Let me put it this way, Princess. Men
of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.
(he and Donkey laugh)
Shrek then proceeds to splash water onto his face to wash off
the dust and grime.
DONKEY
I don't know. There are those who think
little of him. (they laugh again) Fiona:
Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're
just jealous you can never measure up
to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.
SHREK
Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess.
But I'll let you do the "measuring"
when you see him tomorrow.
FIONA
(looks at the setting sun) Tomorrow?
It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop
to make camp?
SHREK
No, that'll take longer. We can keep
going.
FIONA
But there's robbers in the woods.
DONKEY
Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is starting
to sound good.
SHREK
Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything
we're going to see in this forest.
FIONA
I need to find somewhere to camp now!
Both Donkey and Shrek's ears lower as they shrink away from her.
MOUNTAIN CLIFF
Shrek has found a cave that appears to be in good order. He shoves
a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave.
SHREK
Hey! Over here.
DONKEY
Shrek, we can do better than that. I
don't think this is fit for a princess.
FIONA
No, no, it's perfect. It just needs
a few homey touches.
SHREK
Homey touches? Like what? (he hears
a tearing noise and looks over at Fiona
who has torn the bark off of a tree.)
FIONA
A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee
good night. (goes into the cave and
puts the bark door up behind her)
DONKEY
You want me to read you a bedtime story?
I will.
FIONA
(os) I said good night!
Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and then goes to move the
boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Fiona
still inside.
DONKEY
Shrek, What are you doing?
SHREK
(laughs) I just- - You know - - Oh,
come on. I was just kidding.
LATER THAT NIGHT
Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire. They are staring
up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star constellations
to Donkey.
SHREK
And, uh, that one, that's Throwback,
the only ogre to ever spit over three
wheat fields.
DONKEY
Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future
from these stars?
SHREK
The stars don't tell the future, Donkey.
They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut,
the Flatulent. You can guess what he's
famous for.
DONKEY
I know you're making this up.
SHREK
No, look. There he is, and there's the
group of hunters running away from his
stench.
DONKEY
That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little
dots.
SHREK
You know, Donkey, sometimes things are
more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.
DONKEY
(heaves a big sigh) Hey, Shrek, what
we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?
SHREK
Our swamp?
DONKEY
You know, when we're through rescuing
the princess.
SHREK
We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's
no "our". There's just me and my swamp.
The first thing I'm gonna do is build
a ten-foot wall around my land.
DONKEY
You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real
deep just now. You know what I think?
I think this whole wall thing is just
a way to keep somebody out.
SHREK
No, do ya think?
DONKEY
Are you hidin' something?
SHREK
Never mind, Donkey.
DONKEY
Oh, this is another one of those onion
things, isn't it?
SHREK
No, this is one of those drop-it and
leave-it alone things.
DONKEY
Why don't you want to talk about it?
SHREK
Why do you want to talk about it?
DONKEY
Why are you blocking?
SHREK
I'm not blocking.
DONKEY
Oh, yes, you are.
SHREK
Donkey, I'm warning you.
DONKEY
Who you trying to keep out?
SHREK
Everyone! Okay?
DONKEY
(pause) Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.
(grins)
At this point Fiona pulls the 'door' away from the entrance to
the cave and peaks out. Neither of the guys see her.
SHREK
Oh! For the love of Pete! (gets up and
walks over to the edge of the cliff
and sits down)
DONKEY
What's your problem? What you got against
the whole world anyway?
SHREK
Look, I'm not the one with the problem,
okay? It's the world that seems to have
a problem with me. People take one look
at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big,
stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before
they even know me. That's why I'm better
off alone.
DONKEY
You know what? When we met, I didn't
think you was just a big, stupid, ugly
ogre.
SHREK
Yeah, I know.
DONKEY
So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?
SHREK
Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small
and Annoying.
DONKEY
Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny
one, right there. That one there?
Fiona puts the door back.
SHREK
That's the moon.
DONKEY
Oh, okay.
DuLoc - Farquaad's Bedroom
The camera pans over a lot of wedding stuff. Soft music plays
in the background. Farquaad is in bed, watching as the Magic
Mirror shows him Princess Fiona.
FARQUAAD
Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror,
show her to me. Show me the princess.
MIRROR
Hmph.
The Mirror rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning.
FARQUAAD
Ah. Perfect.
Farquaad looks down at his bare chest and pulls the sheet up
to cover himself as though Fiona could see him as he gazes sheepishly
at her image in the mirror.
MORNING
Fiona walks out of the cave. She glances at Shrek and Donkey
who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes
across a blue bird. She begins to sing. The bird sings along
with her. She hits higher and higher notes and the bird struggles
to keep up with her. Suddenly the pressure of the note is too
big and the bird explodes. Fiona looks a little sheepish, but
she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. Time lapse, Fiona
is now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Shrek and Donkey are still
sleeping. Shrek wakes up and looks at Fiona. Donkey's talking
in his sleep.
DONKEY
(quietly) Mmm, yeah, you know I like
it like that. Come on, baby. I said
I like it.
SHREK
Donkey, wake up. (shakes him)
DONKEY
Huh? What?
SHREK
Wake up.
DONKEY
What? (stretches and yawns)
FIONA
Good morning. Hm, how do you like your
eggs?
DONKEY
Oh, good morning, Princess!
Fiona gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them.
SHREK
What's all this about?
FIONA
You know, we kind of got off to a bad
start yesterday. I wanted to make it
up to you. I mean, after all, you did
rescue me.
SHREK
Uh, thanks.
Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips.
FIONA
Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead
of us. (walks off)
LATER
They are once again on their way. They are walking through the
forest. Shrek belches.
DONKEY
Shrek!
SHREK
What? It's a compliment. Better out
than in, I always say. (laughs)
DONKEY
Well, it's no way to behave in front
of a princess.
Fiona belches
FIONA
Thanks.
DONKEY
She's as nasty as you are.
SHREK
(chuckles) You know, you're not exactly
what I expected.
FIONA
Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people
before you get to know them.
She smiles and then continues walking, singing softly. Suddenly
from out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Fiona up into
a tree.
ROBIN HOOD
La liberte! Hey!
SHREK
Princess!
FIONA
(to Robin Hood) What are you doing?
ROBIN HOOD
Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior!
And I am rescuing you from this green...(kisses
up her arm while Fiona pulls back in
disgust)...beast.
SHREK
Hey! That's my princess! Go find you
own!
ROBIN HOOD
Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a
little busy here?
FIONA
(getting fed up) Look, pal, I don't
know who you think you are!
ROBIN HOOD
Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please
let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men.
(laughs)
Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merry men pop out
from the bushes. They begin to sing Robin's theme song.
MERRY MEN
Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.
ROBIN HOOD
I steal from the rich and give to the
needy.
MERRY MEN
He takes a wee percentage,
ROBIN HOOD
But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty
damsels, man, I'm good.
MERRY MEN
What a guy, Monsieur Hood.
ROBIN HOOD
Break it down. I like an honest fight
and a saucy little maid...
MERRY MEN
What he's basically saying is he likes
to get...
ROBIN HOOD
Paid. So...When an ogre in the bush
grabs a lady by the tush. That's bad.
MERRY MEN
That's bad.
ROBIN HOOD
When a beauty's with a beast it makes
me awfully mad.
MERRY MEN
He's mad, he's really, really mad.
ROBIN HOOD
I'll take my blade and ram it through
your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys
'cause I'm about to start...
There is a grunt as Fiona swings down from the tree limb and
knocks Robin Hood unconscious.
FIONA
Man, that was annoying!
Shrek looks at her in admiration.
MERRY MAN
Oh, you little- - (shoots an arrow at
Fiona but she ducks out of the way)
The arrow flies toward Donkey who jumps into Shrek's arms to
get out of the way. The arrow proceeds to just bounce off a tree.
Another fight sequence begins and Fiona gives a karate yell and
then proceeds to beat the crap out of the Merry Men. There is
a very interesting 'Matrix' moment here when Fiona pauses in
mid-air to fix her hair. Finally all of the Merry Men are down,
and Fiona begins walking away.
FIONA
Uh, shall we?
SHREK
Hold the phone. (drops Donkey and begins
walking after Fiona) Oh! Whoa, whoa,
whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come
from?
FIONA
What?
SHREK
That! Back there. That was amazing!
Where did you learn that?
FIONA
Well...(laughs) when one lives alone,
uh, one has to learn these things in
case there's a...(gasps and points)
there's an arrow in your butt!
SHREK
What? (turns and looks) Oh, would you
look at that? (he goes to pull it out
but flinches because it's tender)
FIONA
Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so
sorry.
DONKEY
(walking up) Why? What's wrong?
FIONA
Shrek's hurt.
DONKEY
Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no,
Shrek's gonna die.
SHREK
Donkey, I'm okay.
DONKEY
You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm
too young for you to die. Keep you legs
elevated. Turn your head and cough.
Does anyone know the Heimlich?
FIONA
Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help
Shrek, run into the woods and find me
a blue flower with red thorns.
DONKEY
Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on
it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die
Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay
away from the light!
SHREK & FIONA
Donkey!
DONKEY
Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.
(runs off)
SHREK
What are the flowers for?
FIONA
(like it's obvious) For getting rid
of Donkey.
SHREK
Ah.
FIONA
Now you hold still, and I'll yank this
thing out. (gives the arrow a little
pull)
SHREK
(jumps away) Ow! Hey! Easy with the
yankin'.
As they continue to talk Fiona keeps going after the arrow and
Shrek keeps dodging her hands.
FIONA
I'm sorry, but it has to come out.
SHREK
No, it's tender.
FIONA
Now, hold on.
SHREK
What you're doing is the opposite of
help.
FIONA
Don't move.
SHREK
Look, time out.
FIONA
Would you...(grunts as Shrek puts his
hand over her face to stop her from
getting at the arrow) Okay. What do
you propose we do?
ELSEWHERE
Donkey is still looking for the special flower.
DONKEY
Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower,
red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns.
This would be so much easier if I wasn't
color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.
SHREK
(os) Ow!
DONKEY
Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! (rips a
flower off a nearby bush that just happens
to be a blue flower with red thorns)
THE FOREST PATH
SHREK
Ow! Not good.
FIONA
Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.
(Shrek grunts as she pulls) It's just
about...
SHREK
Ow! Ohh! (he jerks and manages to fall
over with Fiona on top of him)
DONKEY
Ahem.
SHREK
(throwing Fiona off of him) Nothing
happend. We were just, uh - -
DONKEY
Look, if you wanted to be alone, all
you had to do was ask. Okay?
SHREK
Oh, come on! That's the last thing on
my mind. The princess here was just-
- (Fiona pulls the arrow out) Ugh! (he
turns to look at Fiona who holds up
the arrow with a smile) Ow!
DONKEY
Hey, what's that? (nervous chuckle)
That's...is that blood?
Donkey faints. Shrek walks over and picks him up as they continue
on their way.
There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to DuLoc.
Shrek crawling up to the top of a tree to make it fall over a
small brook so that Fiona won't get wet. Shrek then gets up as
Donkey is just about to cross the tree and the tree swings back
into it's upright position and Donkey flies off. Shrek swatting
and a bunch of flies and mosquitoes. Fiona grabs a nearby spiderweb
that's on a tree branch and runs through the field swinging it
around to catch the bugs. She then hands it to Shrek who begins
eating like it's a treat. As he walks off she licks her fingers.
Shrek catching a toad and blowing it up like a balloon and presenting
it to Fiona. Fiona catching a snake, blowing it up, fashioning
it into a balloon animal and presenting it to Shrek. The group
arriving at a windmill that is near DuLoc.
WINDMILL
SHREK
There it is, Princess. Your future awaits
you.
FIONA
That's DuLoc?
DONKEY
Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks
Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,
which I think means he has a really...(Shrek
steps on his hoof) Ow!
SHREK
Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move
on.
FIONA
Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried
about Donkey.
SHREK
What?
FIONA
I mean, look at him. He doesn't look
so good.
DONKEY
What are you talking about? I'm fine.
FIONA
(kneels to look him in the eyes) That's
what they always say, and then next
thing you know, you're on your back.
(pause) Dead.
SHREK
You know, she's right. You look awful.
Do you want to sit down?
FIONA
Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.
DONKEY
I didn't want to say nothin', but I
got this twinge in my neck, and when
I turn my head like this, look, (turns
his neck in a very sharp way until his
head is completely sideways) Ow! See?
SHREK
Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.
FIONA
I'll get the firewood.
DONKEY
Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't
feel my toes! (looks down and yelps)
I don't have any toes! I think I need
a hug.
SUNSET
Shrek has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner while
Fiona eats.
FIONA
Mmm. This is good. This is really good.
What is this?
SHREK
Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style.
FIONA
No kidding. Well, this is delicious.
SHREK
Well, they're also great in stews. Now,
I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean
weed rat stew. (chuckles)
Fiona looks at DuLoc and sighs.
FIONA
I guess I'll be dining a little differently
tomorrow night.
SHREK
Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp
sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff
for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare
- - you name it.
FIONA
(smiles) I'd like that.
They smiles at each other.
SHREK
Um, Princess?
FIONA
Yes, Shrek?
SHREK
I, um, I was wondering...are you...(sighs)
Are you gonna eat that?
DONKEY
(chuckles) Man, isn't this romantic?
Just look at that sunset.
FIONA
(jumps up) Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's
late. I-It's very late.
SHREK
What?
DONKEY
Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on
here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't
you?
FIONA
Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified.
You know, I'd better go inside.
DONKEY
Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to
be afraid of the dark, too, until -
- Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of
the dark.
Shrek sighs
FIONA
Good night.
SHREK
Good night.
Fiona goes inside the windmill and closes the door. Donkey looks
at Shrek with a new eye.
DONKEY
Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on
here.
SHREK
Oh, what are you talkin' about?
DONKEY
I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm
an animal, and I got instincts. And
I know you two were diggin' on each
other. I could feel it.
SHREK
You're crazy. I'm just bringing her
back to Farquaad.
DONKEY
Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell
the pheromones. Just go on in and tell
her how you feel.
SHREK
I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides,
even if I did tell her that, well, you
know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause
I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm
- -
DONKEY
An ogre?
SHREK
Yeah. An ogre.
DONKEY
Hey, where you goin'?
SHREK
To get... move firewood. (sighs)
Donkey looks over at the large pile of firewood there already
is.
TIME LAPSE
Donkey opens the door to the Windmill and walks in. Fiona is
nowhere to be seen.
DONKEY
Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess,
where are you? Princess?
Fiona looks at Donkey from the shadows, but we can't see her.
DONKEY
It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing
no games.
Suddenly Fiona falls from the railing. She gets up only she doesn't
look like herself. She looks like an ogre and Donkey starts freaking
out.
DONKEY
Aah!
FIONA
Oh, no!
DONKEY
No, help!
FIONA
Shh!
DONKEY
Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
FIONA
No, it's okay. It's okay.
DONKEY
What did you do with the princess?
FIONA
Donkey, I'm the princess.
DONKEY
Aah!
FIONA
It's me, in this body.
DONKEY
Oh, my God! You ate the princess. (to
her stomach) Can you hear me?
FIONA
Donkey!
DONKEY
(still aimed at her stomach) Listen,
keep breathing! I'll get you out of
there!
FIONA
No!
DONKEY
Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
FIONA
Shh.
DONKEY
Shrek!
FIONA
This is me.
Donkey looks into her eyes as she pets his muzzle, and he quiets
down.
DONKEY
Princess? What happened to you? You're,
uh, uh, uh, different.
FIONA
I'm ugly, okay?
DONKEY
Well, yeah! Was it something you ate?
'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a
bad idea. You are what you eat, I said.
Now - -
FIONA
No. I - - I've been this way as long
as I can remember.
DONKEY
What do you mean? Look, I ain't never
seen you like this before.
FIONA
It only happens when sun goes down.
"By night one way, by day another. This
shall be the norm... until you find
true love's first kiss... and then take
love's true form."
DONKEY
Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know
you wrote poetry.
FIONA
It's a spell. (sigh) When I was a little
girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every
night I become this. This horrible,
ugly beast! I was placed in a tower
to await the day my true love would
rescue me. That's why I have to marry
Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun
sets and he sees me like this. (begins
to cry)
DONKEY
All right, all right. Calm down. Look,
it's not that bad. You're not that ugly.
Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly.
But you only look like this at night.
Shrek's ugly 24-7.
FIONA
But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this
is not how a princess is meant to look.
DONKEY
Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry
Farquaad?
FIONA
I have to. Only my true love's kiss
can break the spell.
DONKEY
But, you know, um, you're kind of an
orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a
lot in common.
FIONA
Shrek?
OUTSIDE
Shrek is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in his
hand.
SHREK
(to himself) Princess, I - - Uh, how's
it going, first of all? Good? Um, good
for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower
and thought of you because it's pretty
and - - well, I don't really like it,
but I thought you might like it 'cause
you're pretty. But I like you anyway.
I'd - - uh, uh...(sighs) I'm in trouble.
Okay, here we go.
He walks up to the door and pauses outside when he hears Donkey
and Fiona talking.
FIONA
(os) I can't just marry whoever I want.
Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean,
really, who can ever love a beast so
hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly"
don't go together. That's why I can't
stay here with Shrek.
Shrek steps back in shock.
FIONA
(os) My only chance to live happily
ever after is to marry my true love.
Shrek heaves a deep sigh. He throws the flower down and walks
away.
INSIDE
FIONA
Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how
it has to be. It's the only way to break
the spell.
DONKEY
You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.
FIONA
No! You can't breathe a word. No one
must ever know.
DONKEY
What's the point of being able to talk
if you gotta keep secrets?
FIONA
Promise you won't tell. Promise!
DONKEY
All right, all right. I won't tell him.
But you should. (goes outside) I just
know before this is over, I'm gonna
need a whole lot of serious therapy.
Look at my eye twitchin'.
Fiona comes out the door and watches him walk away. She looks
down and spots the sunflower. She picks it up before going back
inside the windmill.
MORNING
Donkey is asleep. Shrek is nowhere to be seen. Fiona is still
awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower.
FIONA
I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him,
I tell him not. I tell him. (she quickly
runs to the door and goes outside) Shrek!
Shrek, there's something I want...(she
looks and sees the rising sun, and as
the sun crests the sky she turns back
into a human.)
Just as she looks back at the sun she sees Shrek stomping towards
her.
FIONA
Shrek. Are you all right?
SHREK
Perfect! Never been better.
FIONA
I - - I don't - - There's something
I have to tell you.
SHREK
You don't have to tell me anything,
Princess. I heard enough last night.
FIONA
You heard what I said?
SHREK
Every word.
FIONA
I thought you'd understand.
SHREK
Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who
could love a hideous, ugly beast?"
FIONA
But I thought that wouldn't matter to
you.
SHREK
Yeah? Well, it does. (Fiona looks at
him in shock. He looks past her and
spots a group approaching.) Ah, right
on time. Princess, I've brought you
a little something.
Farquaad has arrived with a group of his men. He looks very regal
sitting up on his horse. You would never guess that he's only
like 3 feet tall. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers
march by.
DONKEY
What'd I miss? What'd I miss? (spots
the soldiers) (muffled) Who said that?
Couldn't have been the donkey.
FARQUAAD
Princess Fiona.
SHREK
As promised. Now hand it over.
FARQUAAD
Very well, ogre. (holds out a piece
of paper) The deed to your swamp, cleared
out, as agreed. Take it and go before
I change my mind. (Shrek takes the paper)
Forgive me, Princess, for startling
you, but you startled me, for I have
never seen such a radiant beauty before.
I'm Lord Farquaad.
FIONA
Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. (Farquaad
snaps his fingers) Forgive me, my lord,
for I was just saying a short... (Watches
as Farquaad is lifted off his horse
and set down in front of her. He comes
to her waist.) farewell.
FARQUAAD
Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have
to waste good manners on the ogre. It's
not like it has feelings.
FIONA
No, you're right. It doesn't.
Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face.
FARQUAAD
Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless
Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.
Will you be the perfect bride for the
perfect groom?
FIONA
Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would
make - -
FARQUAAD
(interrupting) Excellent! I'll start
the plans, for tomorrow we wed!
FIONA
No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get
married today before the sun sets.
FARQUAAD
Oh, anxious, are you? You're right.
The sooner, the better. There's so much
to do! There's the caterer, the cake,
the band, the guest list. Captain, round
up some guests! (a guard puts Fiona
on the back of his horse)
FIONA
Fare-thee-well, ogre.
Farquaad's whole party begins to head back to DuLoc. Donkey watches
them go.
DONKEY
Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting
her get away.
SHREK
Yeah? So what?
DONKEY
Shrek, there's something about her you
don't know. Look, I talked to her last
night, She's - -
SHREK
I know you talked to her last night.
You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if
you two are such good friends, why don't
you follow her home?
DONKEY
Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.
SHREK
I told you, didn't I? You're not coming
home with me. I live alone! My swamp!
Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody!
Especially useless, pathetic, annoying,
talking donkeys!
DONKEY
But I thought - -
SHREK
Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong!
(stomps off)
DONKEY
Shrek.
Montage of different scenes. Shrek arriving back home. Fiona
being fitted for the wedding dress. Donkey at a stream running
into the dragon. Shrek cleaning up his house. Fiona eating dinner
alone. Shrek eating dinner alone.
SHREK'S HOME
Shrek is eating dinner when he hears a sound outside. He goes
outside to investigate.
SHREK
Donkey? (Donkey ignores him and continues
with what he's doing.) What are you
doing?
DONKEY
I would think, of all people, you would
recognize a wall when you see one.
SHREK
Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed
to go around my swamp, not through it.
DONKEY
It is around your half. See that's your
half, and this is my half.
SHREK
Oh! Your half. Hmm.
DONKEY
Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess.
I did half the work. I get half the
booty. Now hand me that big old rock,
the one that looks like your head.
SHREK
Back off!
DONKEY
No, you back off.
SHREK
This is my swamp!
DONKEY
Our swamp.
SHREK
(grabs the tree branch Donkey is working
with) Let go, Donkey!
DONKEY
You let go.
SHREK
Stubborn jackass!
DONKEY
Smelly ogre.
SHREK
Fine! (drops the tree branch and walks
away)
DONKEY
Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through
with you yet.
SHREK
Well, I'm through with you.
DONKEY
Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always,
"Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now
it's my turn! So you just shut up and
pay attention! You are mean to me. You
insult me and you don't appreciate anything
that I do! You're always pushing me
around or pushing me away.
SHREK
Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so
bad, how come you came back?
DONKEY
Because that's what friends do! They
forgive each other!
SHREK
Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive
you... for stabbin' me in the back!
(goes into the outhouse and slams the
door)
DONKEY
Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers,
onion boy, you're afraid of your own
feelings.
SHREK
(os) Go away!
DONKEY
There you are , doing it again just
like you did to Fiona. All she ever
do was like you, maybe even love you.
SHREK
(os) Love me? She said I was ugly, a
hideous creature. I heard the two of
you talking.
DONKEY
She wasn't talkin' about you. She was
talkin' about, uh, somebody else.
SHREK
(opens the door and comes out) She wasn't
talking about me? Well, then who was
she talking about?
DONKEY
Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything.
You don't wanna listen to me. Right?
Right?
SHREK
Donkey!
DONKEY
No!
SHREK
Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? (sigh)
I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big,
stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me?
DONKEY
Hey, that's what friends are for, right?
SHREK
Right. Friends?
DONKEY
Friends.
SHREK
So, um, what did Fiona say about me?
DONKEY
What are you asking me for? Why don't
you just go ask her?
SHREK
The wedding! We'll never make it in
time.
DONKEY
Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's
a will, there's a way and I have a way.
(whistles)
Suddenly the dragon arrives overhead and flies low enough so
they can climb on.
SHREK
Donkey?
DONKEY
I guess it's just my animal magnetism.
They both laugh.
SHREK
Aw, come here, you. (gives Donkey a
noogie)
DONKEY
All right, all right. Don't get all
slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All
right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't
had a chance to install the seat belts
yet.
They climb aboard the dragon and she takes off for DuLoc.
DULOC - CHURCH
Fiona and Farquaad are getting married. The whole town is there.
The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Revered Silence'.
PRIEST
People of DuLoc, we gather here today
to bear witness to the union....
FIONA
(eyeing the setting sun) Um-
PRIEST
...of our new king...
FIONA
Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead
to the "I do's"?
FARQUAAD
(chuckles and then motions to the priest
to indulge Fiona) Go on.
COURTYARD
Some guards are milling around. Suddenly the dragon lands with
a boom. The guards all take off running.
DONKEY
(to Dragon) Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN.
If we need you, I'll whistle. How about
that? (she nods and goes after the guards)
Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You
wanna do this right, don't you?
SHREK
(at the Church door) What are you talking
about?
DONKEY
There's a line you gotta wait for. The
preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or
forever hold your peace." That's when
you say, "I object!"
SHREK
I don't have time for this!
DONKEY
Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen
to me! Look, you love this woman, don't
you?
SHREK
Yes.
DONKEY
You wanna hold her?
SHREK
Yes.
DONKEY
Please her?
SHREK
Yes!
DONKEY
(singing James Brown style) Then you
got to, got to try a little tenderness.
(normal) The chicks love that romantic
crap!
SHREK
All right! Cut it out. When does this
guy say the line?
DONKEY
We gotta check it out.
INSIDE CHURCH
As the priest talks we see Donkey's shadow through one of the
windows Shrek tosses him up so he can see.
PRIEST
And so, by the power vested in me...
Outside
SHREK
What do you see?
DONKEY
The whole town's in there.
Inside
PRIEST
I now pronounce you husband and wife...
Outside
DONKEY
They're at the altar.
Inside
PRIEST
...king and queen.
Outside
DONKEY
Mother Fletcher! He already said it.
SHREK
Oh, for the love of Pete!
He runs inside without catching Donkey, who hits the ground hard.
INSIDE CHURCH
SHREK
(running toward the alter) I object!
FIONA
Shrek?
The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek.
FARQUAAD
Oh, now what does he want?
SHREK
(to congregation as he reaches the front
of the Church) Hi, everyone. Havin'
a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first
of all. Very clean.
FIONA
What are you doing here?
SHREK
Really, it's rude enough being alive
when no one wants you, but showing up
uninvited to a wedding...
SHREK
Fiona! I need to talk to you.
FIONA
Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little
late for that, so if you'll excuse me
- -
SHREK
But you can't marry him.
FIONA
And why not?
SHREK
Because- - Because he's just marring
you so he can be king.
FARQUAAD
Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.
SHREK
He's not your true love.
FIONA
And what do you know about true love?
SHREK
Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -
FARQUAAD
Oh, this is precious. The ogee has fallen
in love with the princess! Oh, good
Lord. (laughs)
The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Laugh'. The
whole congregation laughs.
FARQUAAD
An ogre and a princess!
FIONA
Shrek, is this true?
FARQUAAD
Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona,
my love, we're but a kiss away from
our "happily ever after." Now kiss me!
(puckers his lips and leans toward her,
but she pulls back.)
FIONA
(looking at the setting sun) "By night
one way, by day another." (to Shrek)
I wanted to show you before.
She backs up and as the sun sets she changes into her ogre self.
She gives Shrek a sheepish smile.
SHREK
Well, uh, that explains a lot. (Fiona
smiles)
FARQUAAD
Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards!
I order you to get that out of my sight
now! Get them! Get them both!
The guards run in and separate Fiona and Shrek. Shrek fights
them.
SHREK
No, no!
FIONA
Shrek!
FARQUAAD
This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This
marriage is binding, and that makes
me king! See? See?
FIONA
No, let go of me! Shrek!
SHREK
No!
FARQUAAD
Don't just stand there, you morons.
SHREK
Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!
FARQUAAD
I'll make you regret the day we met.
I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll
beg for death to save you!
FIONA
No, Shrek!
FARQUAAD
(hold a dagger to Fiona's throat) And
as for you, my wife...
SHREK
Fiona!
FARQUAAD
I'll have you locked back in that tower
for the rest of your days! I'm king!
Shrek manages to get a hand free and he whistles.
FARQUAAD
I will have order! I will have perfection!
I will have - - (Donkey and the dragon
show up and the dragon leans down and
eats Farquaad) Aaaah! Aah!
DONKEY
All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon
here, and I'm not afraid to use it.
(The dragon roars.) I'm a donkey on
the edge!
The dragon belches and Farquaad's crown flies out of her mouth
and falls to the ground.
DONKEY
Celebrity marriages. They never last,
do they?
The congregation cheers.
DONKEY
Go ahead, Shrek.
SHREK
Uh, Fiona?
FIONA
Yes, Shrek?
SHREK
I - - I love you.
FIONA
Really?
SHREK
Really, really.
FIONA
(smiles) I love you too.
Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of the cards and writes
'Awwww' on the back and then shows it to the congregation.
CONGREGATION
Aawww!
Suddenly the magic of the spell pulls Fiona away. She's lifted
up into the air and she hovers there while the magic works around
her.
WHISPERS
"Until you find true love's first kiss
and then take love's true form. Take
love's true form. Take love's true form."
Suddenly Fiona's eyes open wide. She's consumed by the spell
and then is slowly lowered to the ground.
SHREK
(going over to her) Fiona? Fiona. Are
you all right?
FIONA
(standing up, she's still an ogre) Well,
yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed
to be beautiful.
SHREK
But you ARE beautiful.
They smile at each other.
DONKEY
(chuckles) I was hoping this would be
a happy ending.
Shrek and Fiona kiss...and the kiss fades into...
THE SWAMP
...their wedding kiss. Shrek and Fiona are now married. 'I'm
a Believer' by Smashmouth is played in the background. Shrek
and Fiona break apart and run through the crowd to their awaiting
carriage. Which is made of a giant onion. Fiona tosses her bouquet
which both Cinderella and Snow White try to catch. But they end
up getting into a cat fight and so the dragon catches the bouquet
instead. The Gingerbread man has been mended somewhat and now
has one leg and walks with a candy cane cane. Shrek and Fiona
walk off as the rest of the guests party and Donkey takes over
singing the song.
GINGERBREAD MAN
God bless us, every one.
DONKEY
(as he's done singing and we fade to
black) Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't
breathe. I can't breathe.
THE END
SHREK
Written by
William Steig & Ted Elliott
SHREK
Once upon a time there was a lovely
princess. But she had an enchantment
upon her of a fearful sort which could
only be broken by love's first kiss.
She was locked away in a castle guarded
by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.
Many brave knights had attempted to
free her from this dreadful prison,
but non prevailed. She waited in the
dragon's keep in the highest room of
the tallest tower for her true love
and true love's first kiss. (laughs)
Like that's ever gonna happen. What
a load of - (toilet flush)
Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his
day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go
after the ogre.
NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME
MAN1
Think it's in there?
MAN2
All right. Let's get it!
MAN1
Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that
thing can do to you?
MAN3
Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's
bread.
Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs.
SHREK
Yes, well, actually, that would be a
giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse.
They'll make a suit from your freshly
peeled skin.
MEN
No!
SHREK
They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the
jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's
quite good on toast.
MAN1
Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!
(waves the torch at Shrek.)
Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The
men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long
and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the
men are in the dark.
SHREK
This is the part where you run away.
(The men scramble to get away. He laughs.)
And stay out! (looks down and picks
up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted.
Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and
throws the paper over his shoulder.)
THE NEXT DAY
There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard
sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures
to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line
are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto
who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three
little pigs.
GUARD
All right. This one's full. Take it
away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!
HEAD GUARD
Next!
GUARD
(taking the witch's broom) Give me that!
Your flying days are over. (breaks the
broom in half)
HEAD GUARD
That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch.
Next!
GUARD
Get up! Come on!
HEAD GUARD
Twenty pieces.
LITTLE BEAR
(crying) This cage is too small.
DONKEY
Please, don't turn me in. I'll never
be stubborn again. I can change. Please!
Give me another chance!
OLD WOMAN
Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope)
DONKEY
Oh!
HEAD GUARD
Next! What have you got?
GIPETTO
This little wooden puppet.
PINOCCHIO
I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his
nose grows)
HEAD GUARD
Five shillings for the possessed toy.
Take it away.
PINOCCHIO
Father, please! Don't let them do this!
Help me!
Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up
to the table.
HEAD GUARD
Next! What have you got?
OLD WOMAN
Well, I've got a talking donkey.
HEAD GUARD
Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings,
if you can prove it.
OLD WOMAN
Oh, go ahead, little fella.
Donkey just looks up at her.
HEAD GUARD
Well?
OLD WOMAN
Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little
nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox.
Talk, you boneheaded dolt...
HEAD GUARD
That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!
OLD WOMAN
No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends
to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to
talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing
you ever saw.
HEAD GUARD
Get her out of my sight.
OLD WOMAN
No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!
The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One
of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's
hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled
with fairy dust and he's able to fly.
DONKEY
Hey! I can fly!
PETER PAN
He can fly!
3 LITTLE PIGS
He can fly!
HEAD GUARD
He can talk!
DONKEY
Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm
a flying, talking donkey. You might
have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly
but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey
fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins
to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink
to the ground.)
He hits the ground with a thud.
HEAD GUARD
Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.)
After him!
GUARDS
He's getting away! Get him! This way!
Turn!
Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally.
Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared
for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He
quickly hides behind Shrek.
HEAD GUARD
You there. Ogre!
SHREK
Aye?
HEAD GUARD
By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized
to place you both under arrest and transport
you to a designated resettlement facility.
SHREK
Oh, really? You and what army?
He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well
and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail
and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and
begins walking back to his cottage.
DONKEY
Can I say something to you? Listen,
you was really, really, really somethin'
back here. Incredible!
SHREK
Are you talkin' to...(he turns around
and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back
around and Donkey is right in front
of him.) Whoa!
DONKEY
Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell
you that you that you was great back
here? Those guards! They thought they
was all of that. Then you showed up,
and bam! They was trippin' over themselves
like babes in the woods. That really
made me feel good to see that.
SHREK
Oh, that's great. Really.
DONKEY
Man, it's good to be free.
SHREK
Now, why don't you go celebrate your
freedom with your own friends? Hmm?
DONKEY
But, uh, I don't have any friends. And
I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey,
wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll
stick with you. You're mean, green,
fightin' machine. Together we'll scare
the spit out of anybody that crosses
us.
Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very
loudly.
DONKEY
Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you
don't mind me sayin', if that don't
work, your breath certainly will get
the job done, 'cause you definitely
need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause
you breath stinks! You almost burned
the hair outta my nose, just like the
time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey
continues to talk, so Shrek removes
his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten
berries. I had strong gases leaking
out of my butt that day.
SHREK
Why are you following me?
DONKEY
I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause
I'm all alone, There's no one here beside
me, My problems have all gone, There's
no one to deride me, But you gotta have
faith...
SHREK
Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't
have any friends.
DONKEY
Wow. Only a true friend would be that
cruelly honest.
SHREK
Listen, little donkey. Take a look at
me. What am I?
DONKEY
(looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really
tall?
SHREK
No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your
torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that
bother you?
DONKEY
Nope.
SHREK
Really?
DONKEY
Really, really.
SHREK
Oh.
DONKEY
Man, I like you. What's you name?
SHREK
Uh, Shrek.
DONKEY
Shrek? Well, you know what I like about
you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me
thing. I like that. I respect that,
Shrek. You all right. (They come over
a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.)
Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live
in place like that?
SHREK
That would be my home.
DONKEY
Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful.
You know you are quite a decorator.
It's amazing what you've done with such
a modest budget. I like that boulder.
That is a nice boulder. I guess you
don't entertain much, do you?
SHREK
I like my privacy.
DONKEY
You know, I do too. That's another thing
we have in common. Like I hate it when
you got somebody in your face. You've
trying to give them a hint, and they
won't leave. There's that awkward silence.
(awkward silence) Can I stay with you?
SHREK
Uh, what?
DONKEY
Can I stay with you, please?
SHREK
(sarcastically) Of course!
DONKEY
Really?
SHREK
No.
DONKEY
Please! I don't wanna go back there!
You don't know what it's like to be
considered a freak. (pause while he
looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do.
But that's why we gotta stick together.
You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!
SHREK
Okay! Okay! But one night only.
DONKEY
Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage)
SHREK
What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto
a chair.) No! No!
DONKEY
This is gonna be fun! We can stay up
late, swappin' manly stories, and in
the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.
SHREK
Oh!
DONKEY
Where do, uh, I sleep?
SHREK
(irritated) Outside!
DONKEY
Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean,
I don't know you, and you don't know
me, so I guess outside is best, you
know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek
slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do
like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was
born outside. I'll just be sitting by
myself outside, I guess, you know. By
myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's
no one here beside me...
SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT
Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights
a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a
noise. He stands up with a huff.
SHREK
(to Donkey) I thought I told you to
stay outside.
DONKEY
(from the window) I am outside.
There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that
made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns
and spots 3 blind mice on his table.
BLIND MOUSE1
Well, gents, it's a far cry from the
farm, but what choice do we have?
BLIND MOUSE2
It's not home, but it'll do just fine.
GORDO
(bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed.
SHREK
Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes
and lands on his shoulder.)
GORDO
I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's
ear)
SHREK
Ow!
GORDO
Blah! Awful stuff.
BLIND MOUSE1
Is that you, Gordo?
GORDO
How did you know?
SHREK
Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are
you doing in my house? (He gets bumped
from behind and he drops the mice.)
Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves
with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no,
no, no. Dead broad off the table.
DWARF
Where are we supposed to put her? The
bed's taken.
SHREK
Huh?
Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain.
The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at
him.
BIG BAD WOLF
What?
TIME LAPSE
Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging
him to the front door.
SHREK
I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm
a terrifying ogre! What do I have to
do get a little privacy? (He opens the
front door to throw the Wolf out and
he sees that all the collected Fairy
Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh,
no. No! No!
The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his
pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing
flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc.
SHREK
What are you doing in my swamp? (this
echoes and everyone falls silent.)
Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a
tent.
SHREK
All right, get out of here. All of you,
move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya!
Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more
dwarves run inside the house) No, no!
No, no. Not there. Not there. (they
shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to
look at Donkey)
DONKEY
Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite
them.
PINOCCHIO
Oh, gosh, no one invited us.
SHREK
What?
PINOCCHIO
We were forced to come here.
SHREK
(flabbergasted) By who?
LITTLE PIG
Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed
and he...signed an eviction notice.
SHREK
(heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where
this Farquaad guy is?
Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers.
DONKEY
Oh, I do. I know where he is.
SHREK
Does anyone else know where to find
him? Anyone at all?
DONKEY
Me! Me!
SHREK
Anyone?
DONKEY
Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know!
Me, me!
SHREK
(sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy
tale things. Do not get comfortable.
Your welcome is officially worn out.
In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad
right now and get you all off my land
and back where you came from! (Pause.
Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey)
You! You're comin' with me.
DONKEY
All right, that's what I like to hear,
man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart
friends, off on a whirlwind big-city
adventure. I love it!
DONKEY
(singing) On the road again. Sing it
with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get
on the road again.
SHREK
What did I say about singing?
DONKEY
Can I whistle?
SHREK
No.
DONKEY
Can I hum it?
SHREK
All right, hum it.
Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'.
DULOC - KITCHEN
A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually
dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in.
FARQUAAD
That's enough. He's ready to talk.
The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down
onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the
table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes
up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered.
FARQUAAD
(he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs
and plays with them) Run, run, run,
as fast as you can. You can't catch
me. I'm the gingerbread man.
GINGERBREAD MAN
You are a monster.
FARQUAAD
I'm not the monster here. You are. You
and the rest of that fairy tale trash,
poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell
me! Where are the others?
GINGERBREAD MAN
Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's
eye.)
FARQUAAD
I've tried to be fair to you creatures.
Now my patience has reached its end!
Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to
pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons)
GINGERBREAD MAN
No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop
buttons.
FARQUAAD
All right then. Who's hiding them?
GINGERBREAD MAN
Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the
muffin man?
FARQUAAD
The muffin man?
GINGERBREAD MAN
The muffin man.
FARQUAAD
Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives
on Drury Lane?
GINGERBREAD MAN
Well, she's married to the muffin man.
FARQUAAD
The muffin man?
GINGERBREAD MAN
The muffin man!
FARQUAAD
She's married to the muffin man.
The door opens and the Head Guard walks in.
HEAD GUARD
My lord! We found it.
FARQUAAD
Then what are you waiting for? Bring
it in.
More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet.
They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic
Mirror.
GINGERBREAD MAN
(in awe) Ohhhh...
FARQUAAD
Magic mirror...
GINGERBREAD MAN
Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks
him up and dumps him into a trash can
with a lid.) No!
FARQUAAD
Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall.
Is this not the most perfect kingdom
of them all?
MIRROR
Well, technically you're not a king.
FARQUAAD
Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a
hand mirror and smashes it with his
fist.) You were saying?
MIRROR
What I mean is you're not a king yet.
But you can become one. All you have
to do is marry a princess.
FARQUAAD
Go on.
MIRROR
(chuckles nervously) So, just sit back
and relax, my lord, because it's time
for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes.
And here they are! Bachelorette number
one is a mentally abused shut-in from
a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi
and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies
include cooking and cleaning for her
two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.
(shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette
number two is a cape-wearing girl from
the land of fancy. Although she lives
with seven other men, she's not easy.
Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and
find out what a live wire she is. Come
on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows
picture of Snow White) And last, but
certainly not last, bachelorette number
three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded
castle surrounded by hot boiling lava!
But don't let that cool you off. She's
a loaded pistol who likes pina colads
and getting caught in the rain. Yours
for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows
picture of Princess Fiona) So will it
be bachelorette number one, bachelorette
number two or bachelorette number three?
GUARDS
Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!
FARQUAAD
Three? One? Three?
THELONIUS
Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number
three, my lord!
FARQUAAD
Okay, okay, uh, number three!
MIRROR
Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess
Fiona.
FARQUAAD
Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I
have to do is just find someone who
can go...
MIRROR
But I probably should mention the little
thing that happens at night.
FARQUAAD
I'll do it.
MIRROR
Yes, but after sunset...
FARQUAAD
Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona
my queen, and DuLoc will finally have
the perfect king! Captain, assemble
your finest men. We're going to have
a tournament. (smiles evilly)
DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section
Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking
lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high.
DONKEY
But that's it. That's it right there.
That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.
SHREK
So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.
DONKEY
Uh-huh. That's the place.
SHREK
Do you think maybe he's compensating
for something? (He laughs, but then
groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke.
He continues walking through the parking
lot.)
DONKEY
Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.
MAN
Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.
SHREK
Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing
a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad,
screams and begins running through the
rows of rope to get to the front gate
to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second.
Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just
- - I just - - (He sighs and then begins
walking straight through the rows. The
attendant runs into a wall and falls
down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then
continue on into DuLoc.)
DULOC
They look around but all is quiet.
SHREK
It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?
DONKEY
Hey, look at this!
Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box
marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors
open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin
to sing.
WOODEN PEOPLE
Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town
Here we have some rules
Let us lay them down
Don't make waves, stay in line
And we'll get along fine
DuLoc is perfect place
Please keep off of the grass
Shine your shoes, wipe your... face
DuLoc is, DuLoc is
DuLoc is perfect place.
Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture.
DONKEY
Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready
to run over and pull the lever again)
SHREK
(grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still)
No. No. No, no, no! No.
They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena.
FARQUAAD
Brave knights. You are the best and
brightest in all the land. Today one
of you shall prove himself...
As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena
Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song.
SHREK
All right. You're going the right way
for a smacked bottom.
DONKEY
Sorry about that.
FARQUAAD
That champion shall have the honor -
- no, no - - the privilege to go forth
and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona
from the fiery keep of the dragon. If
for any reason the winner is unsuccessful,
the first runner-up will take his place
and so on and so forth. Some of you
may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing
to make. (cheers) Let the tournament
begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is
that? It's hideous!
SHREK
(turns to look at Donkey and then back
at Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice.
It's just a donkey.
FARQUAAD
Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who
kills the ogre will be named champion!
Have it him!
MEN
Get him!
SHREK
Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps
into a table where there are mugs of
beer)
CROWD
Go ahead! Get him!
SHREK
(holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just
settle this over a pint?
CROWD
Kill the beast!
SHREK
No? All right then. (drinks the beer)
Come on!
He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel
of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the
other men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrek slides
past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped.
As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger
beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll.
Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much
fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice
to say that Shrek kicks butt.
DONKEY
Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!
Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkeys. Shrek
gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd.
SHREK
Yeah!
A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time
and sees him.
WOMAN
The chair! Give him the chair!
Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men
are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding
sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild.
SHREK
Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you
very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try
the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs)
The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on
Shrek.
HEAD GUARD
Shall I give the order, sir?
FARQUAAD
No, I have a better idea. People of
DuLoc, I give you our champion!
SHREK
What?
FARQUAAD
Congratulations, ogre. You're won the
honor of embarking on a great and noble
quest.
SHREK
Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest
to get my swamp back.
FARQUAAD
Your swamp?
SHREK
Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those
fairy tale creatures!
FARQUAAD
Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you
a deal. Go on this quest for me, and
I'll give you your swamp back.
SHREK
Exactly the way it was?
FARQUAAD
Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.
SHREK
And the squatters?
FARQUAAD
As good as gone.
SHREK
What kind of quest?
Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field
heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion.
DONKEY
Let me get this straight. You're gonna
go fight a dragon and rescue a princess
just so Farquaad will give you back
a swamp which you only don't have because
he filled it full of freaks in the first
place. Is that about right?
SHREK
You know, maybe there's a good reason
donkeys shouldn't talk.
DONKEY
I don't get it. Why don't you just pull
some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle
him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds
his bones to make your bread, the whole
ogre trip.
SHREK
Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have
decapitated an entire village and put
their heads on a pike, gotten a knife,
cut open their spleen and drink their
fluids. Does that sound good to you?
DONKEY
Uh, no, not really, no.
SHREK
For your information, there's a lot
more to ogres than people think.
DONKEY
Example?
SHREK
Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions.
(he holds out his onion)
DONKEY
(sniffs the onion) They stink?
SHREK
Yes - - No!
DONKEY
They make you cry?
SHREK
No!
DONKEY
You leave them in the sun, they get
all brown, start sproutin' little white
hairs.
SHREK
No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres
have layers! Onions have layers. You
get it? We both have layers. (he heaves
a sigh and then walks off)
DONKEY
(trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both
have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know,
not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody
loves cakes! Cakes have layers.
SHREK
I don't care... what everyone likes.
Ogres are not like cakes.
DONKEY
You know what else everybody likes?
Parfaits. Have you ever met a person,
you say, "Let's get some parfait," they
say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"?
Parfaits are delicious.
SHREK
No! You dense, irritating, miniature
beast of burden! Ogres are like onions!
And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.
DONKEY
Parfaits may be the most delicious thing
on the whole damn planet.
SHREK
You know, I think I preferred your humming.
DONKEY
Do you have a tissue or something? I'm
making a mess. Just the word parfait
make me start slobbering.
They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through
a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying
to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem,
so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out.
DRAGON'S KEEP
Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that's supposed to
house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano.
DONKEY
(sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?
You gotta warn somebody before you just
crack one off. My mouth was open and
everything.
SHREK
Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd
be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We
must be getting close.
DONKEY
Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking
about it's the brimstone. I know what
I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It
didn't come off no stone neither.
They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. There
is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where
the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very
foreboding.
SHREK
Sure, it's big enough, but look at the
location. (laughs...then the laugh turns
into a groan)
DONKEY
Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said
ogres have layers?
SHREK
Oh, aye.
DONKEY
Well, I have a bit of a confession to
make. Donkeys don't have layers. We
wear our fear right out there on our
sleeves.
SHREK
Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.
DONKEY
You know what I mean.
SHREK
You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.
DONKEY
No, I'm just a little uncomfortable
about being on a rickety bridge over
a boiling like of lava!
SHREK
Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside
ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll
just tackle this thing together one
little baby step at a time.
DONKEY
Really?
SHREK
Really, really.
DONKEY
Okay, that makes me feel so much better.
SHREK
Just keep moving. And don't look down.
DONKEY
Okay, don't look down. Don't look down.
Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't
look down. (he steps through a rotting
board and ends up looking straight down
into the lava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down!
Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me
off, please!
SHREK
But you're already halfway.
DONKEY
But I know that half is safe!
SHREK
Okay, fine. I don't have time for this.
You go back.
DONKEY
Shrek, no! Wait!
SHREK
Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance
then, shall me? (bounces and sways the
bridge)
DONKEY
Don't do that!
SHREK
Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces
the bridge again)
DONKEY
Yes, that!
SHREK
Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to
bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across
the bridge)
DONKEY
No, Shrek! No! Stop it!
SHREK
You said do it! I'm doin' it.
DONKEY
I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek,
I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground)
Oh!
SHREK
That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks
towards the castle)
DONKEY
Cool. So where is this fire-breathing
pain-in-the-neck anyway?
SHREK
Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.
(chuckles)
DONKEY
I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.
INSIDE THE CASTLE
DONKEY
You afraid?
SHREK
No.
DONKEY
But...
SHREK
Shh.
DONKEY
Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton
and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong
with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible
response to an unfamiliar situation.
Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might
add. With a dragon that breathes fire
and eats knights and breathes fire,
it sure doesn't mean you're a coward
if you're a little scared. I sure as
heck ain't no coward. I know that.
SHREK
Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up.
Now go over there and see if you can
find any stairs.
DONKEY
Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for
the princess.
SHREK
(putting on a helmet) The princess will
be up the stairs in the highest room
in the tallest tower.
DONKEY
What makes you think she'll be there?
SHREK
I read it in a book once. (walks off)
DONKEY
Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle
the stairs. I'll find those stairs.
I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs
won't know which way they're goin'.
(walks off)
EMPTY ROOM
Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room.
DONKEY
I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it
to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm
the stair master. I've mastered the
stairs. I wish I had a step right here.
I'd step all over it.
ELSEWHERE
Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window.
SHREK
Well, at least we know where the princess
is, but where's the...
DONKEY
(os) Dragon!
Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again.
Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon
breathes fire.
SHREK
Donkey, look out! (he manages to get
a hold of the dragons tail and holds
on) Got ya!
The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it's tail and Shrek
goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the
tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying
on the floor.
DONKEY
Oh! Aah! Aah!
Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small
part of the bridge he's on.
DONKEY
No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh,
what large teeth you have. (the dragon
growls) I mean white, sparkling teeth.
I know you probably hear this all time
from your food, but you must bleach,
'cause that is one dazzling smile you
got there. Do I detect a hint of minty
freshness? And you know what else? You're
- - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure!
I mean, of course you're a girl dragon.
You're just reeking of feminine beauty.
(the dragon begins fluttering her eyes
at him) What's the matter with you?
You got something in your eye? Ohh.
Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay,
but you know, I'm, uh...(the dragon
blows a smoke ring in the shape of a
heart right at him, and he coughs) I'm
an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd
work out if you're gonna blow smoke
rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him
up with her teeth and carries him off)
No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
FIONA'S ROOM
Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona
so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She
then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off
the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep.
Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for
a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders
and shakes her away.
FIONA
Oh! Oh!
SHREK
Wake up!
FIONA
What?
SHREK
Are you Princess Fiona?
FIONA
I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to
rescue me.
SHREK
Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!
FIONA
But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our
first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful,
romantic moment?
SHREK
Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.
FIONA
Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should
sweep me off my feet out yonder window
and down a rope onto your valiant steed.
SHREK
You've had a lot of time to plan this,
haven't you?
FIONA
(smiles) Mm-hmm.
Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down
the hallway.
FIONA
But we have to savor this moment! You
could recite an epic poem for me. A
ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!
SHREK
I don't think so.
FIONA
Can I at least know the name of my champion?
SHREK
Uh, Shrek.
FIONA
Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds
out a handkerchief) I pray that you
take this favor as a token of my gratitude.
SHREK
Thanks!
Suddenly they hear the dragon roar.
FIONA
(surprised)You didn't slay the dragon?
SHREK
It's on my to-do list. Now come on!
(takes off running and drags Fiona behind
him.)
FIONA
But this isn't right! You were meant
to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying.
That's what all the other knights did.
SHREK
Yeah, right before they burst into flame.
FIONA
That's not the point. (Shrek suddenly
stops and she runs into him.) Oh! (Shrek
ignores her and heads for a wooden door
off to the side.) Wait. Where are you
going? The exit's over there.
SHREK
Well, I have to save my ass.
FIONA
What kind of knight are you?
SHREK
One of a kind. (opens the door into
the throne room)
DONKEY
(os) Slow down. Slow down, baby, please.
I believe it's healthy to get to know
someone over a long period of time.
Just call me old-fashioned. (laughs
worriedly) (we see him up close and
from a distance as Shrek sneaks into
the room) I don't want to rush into
a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally
ready for a commitment of, uh, this
- - Magnitude really is the word I'm
looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that
is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what
are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just
back up a little and take this one step
at a time. We really should get to know
each other first as friends or pen pals.
I'm on the road a lot, but I just love
receiving cards - - I'd really love
to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's
my tail! That's my personal tail. You're
gonna tear it off. I don't give permission
- - What are you gonna do with that?
Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No.
No, no, no. No! Oh!
Shrek grabs a chain that's connected to the chandelier and swings
toward the dragon. He misses and he swings back again. He looks
up and spots that the chandelier is right above the dragons head.
He pulls on the chain and it releases and he falls down and bumps
Donkey out of the way right as the dragon is about to kiss him.
Instead the dragon kisses Shreks' butt. She opens her eyes and
roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto
her head, but it's too big and it goes over her head and forms
a sort of collar for her. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey
take off running. Very 'Matrix' style. Shrek grabs Donkey and
then grabs Princess Fiona as he runs past her.
DONKEY
Hi, Princess!
FIONA
It talks!
SHREK
Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's
the trick.
They all start screaming as the dragon gains on them. Shrek spots
a descending slide and jumps on. But unfortunately there is a
crack in the stone and it hits Shrek right in the groin. His
eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide he stumbles
off and walks lightly.
SHREK
Oh!
Shrek gets them close to the exit and sets down Donkey and Fiona.
SHREK
Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll
take care of the dragon.
Shrek grabs a sword and heads back toward the interior of the
castle. He throws the sword down in between several overlapping
chain links. The chain links are attached to the chandelier that
is still around the dragons neck.
SHREK
(echoing) Run!
They all take off running for the exit with the dragon in hot
pursuit. They make it to the bridge and head across. The dragons
breathes fire and the bridge begins to burn. They all hang on
for dear life as the ropes holding the bridge up collapse. They
are swung to the other side. As they hang upside down they look
in horror as the dragon makes to fly over the boiling lava to
get them. But suddenly the chandelier with the chain jerk the
dragon back and she's unable to get to them. Our gang climbs
quickly to safety as the dragon looks angry and then gives a
sad whimper as she watches Donkey walk away.
FIONA
(sliding down the 'volcano' hill) You
did it! You rescued me! You're amazing.
(behind her Donkey falls down the hill)
You're - - You're wonderful. You're...
(turns and sees Shrek fall down the
hill and bump into Donkey) a little
unorthodox I'll admit. But thy deed
is great, and thy heart is pure. I am
eternally in your debt. (Donkey clears
his throat.) And where would a brave
knight be without his noble steed?
DONKEY
I hope you heard that. She called me
a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.
FIONA
The battle is won. You may remove your
helmet, good Sir Knight.
SHREK
Uh, no.
FIONA
Why not?
SHREK
I have helmet hair.
FIONA
Please. I would'st look upon the face
of my rescuer.
SHREK
No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.
FIONA
But how will you kiss me?
SHREK
What? (to Donkey) That wasn't in the
job description.
DONKEY
Maybe it's a perk.
FIONA
No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know
how it goes. A princess locked in a
tower and beset by a dragon is rescued
by a brave knight, and then they share
true love's first kiss.
DONKEY
Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait.
Wait. You think that Shrek is you true
love?
FIONA
Well, yes.
Both Donkey and Shrek burst out laughing.
DONKEY
You think Shrek is your true love!
FIONA
What is so funny?
SHREK
Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?Fiona:
Of course, you are. You're my rescuer.
Now - - Now remove your helmet.
SHREK
Look. I really don't think this is a
good idea.
FIONA
Just take off the helmet.
SHREK
I'm not going to.
FIONA
Take it off.
SHREK
No!
FIONA
Now!
SHREK
Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.
(takes off his helmet)
FIONA
You- - You're a- - an ogre.
SHREK
Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.
FIONA
Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is
all wrong. You're not supposed to be
an ogre.
SHREK
Princess, I was sent to rescue you by
Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who
wants to marry you.
FIONA
Then why didn't he come rescue me?
SHREK
Good question. You should ask him that
when we get there.
FIONA
But I have to be rescued by my true
love, not by some ogre and his- - his
pet.
DONKEY
Well, so much for noble steed.
SHREK
You're not making my job any easier.
FIONA
I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem.
You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he
wants to rescue me properly, I'll be
waiting for him right here.
SHREK
Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all
right? (ominous) I'm a delivery boy.
(he swiftly picks her up and swings
her over his shoulder like she was a
sack of potatoes)
FIONA
You wouldn't dare. Put me down!
SHREK
Ya comin', Donkey?
DONKEY
I'm right behind ya.
FIONA
Put me down, or you will suffer the
consequences! This is not dignified!
Put me down!
WOODS
A little time has passed and Fiona has calmed down. She just
hangs there limply while Shrek carries her.
DONKEY
Okay, so here's another question. Say
there's a woman that digs you, right,
but you don't really like her that way.
How do you let her down real easy so
her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't
get burned to a crisp and eaten?
FIONA
You just tell her she's not your true
love. Everyone knows what happens when
you find your...(Shrek drops her on
the ground) Hey! The sooner we get to
DuLoc the better.
DONKEY
You're gonna love it there, Princess.
It's beautiful!
FIONA
And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad?
What's he like?
SHREK
Let me put it this way, Princess. Men
of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.
(he and Donkey laugh)
Shrek then proceeds to splash water onto his face to wash off
the dust and grime.
DONKEY
I don't know. There are those who think
little of him. (they laugh again) Fiona:
Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're
just jealous you can never measure up
to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.
SHREK
Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess.
But I'll let you do the "measuring"
when you see him tomorrow.
FIONA
(looks at the setting sun) Tomorrow?
It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop
to make camp?
SHREK
No, that'll take longer. We can keep
going.
FIONA
But there's robbers in the woods.
DONKEY
Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is starting
to sound good.
SHREK
Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything
we're going to see in this forest.
FIONA
I need to find somewhere to camp now!
Both Donkey and Shrek's ears lower as they shrink away from her.
MOUNTAIN CLIFF
Shrek has found a cave that appears to be in good order. He shoves
a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave.
SHREK
Hey! Over here.
DONKEY
Shrek, we can do better than that. I
don't think this is fit for a princess.
FIONA
No, no, it's perfect. It just needs
a few homey touches.
SHREK
Homey touches? Like what? (he hears
a tearing noise and looks over at Fiona
who has torn the bark off of a tree.)
FIONA
A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee
good night. (goes into the cave and
puts the bark door up behind her)
DONKEY
You want me to read you a bedtime story?
I will.
FIONA
(os) I said good night!
Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and then goes to move the
boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Fiona
still inside.
DONKEY
Shrek, What are you doing?
SHREK
(laughs) I just- - You know - - Oh,
come on. I was just kidding.
LATER THAT NIGHT
Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire. They are staring
up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star constellations
to Donkey.
SHREK
And, uh, that one, that's Throwback,
the only ogre to ever spit over three
wheat fields.
DONKEY
Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future
from these stars?
SHREK
The stars don't tell the future, Donkey.
They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut,
the Flatulent. You can guess what he's
famous for.
DONKEY
I know you're making this up.
SHREK
No, look. There he is, and there's the
group of hunters running away from his
stench.
DONKEY
That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little
dots.
SHREK
You know, Donkey, sometimes things are
more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.
DONKEY
(heaves a big sigh) Hey, Shrek, what
we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?
SHREK
Our swamp?
DONKEY
You know, when we're through rescuing
the princess.
SHREK
We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's
no "our". There's just me and my swamp.
The first thing I'm gonna do is build
a ten-foot wall around my land.
DONKEY
You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real
deep just now. You know what I think?
I think this whole wall thing is just
a way to keep somebody out.
SHREK
No, do ya think?
DONKEY
Are you hidin' something?
SHREK
Never mind, Donkey.
DONKEY
Oh, this is another one of those onion
things, isn't it?
SHREK
No, this is one of those drop-it and
leave-it alone things.
DONKEY
Why don't you want to talk about it?
SHREK
Why do you want to talk about it?
DONKEY
Why are you blocking?
SHREK
I'm not blocking.
DONKEY
Oh, yes, you are.
SHREK
Donkey, I'm warning you.
DONKEY
Who you trying to keep out?
SHREK
Everyone! Okay?
DONKEY
(pause) Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.
(grins)
At this point Fiona pulls the 'door' away from the entrance to
the cave and peaks out. Neither of the guys see her.
SHREK
Oh! For the love of Pete! (gets up and
walks over to the edge of the cliff
and sits down)
DONKEY
What's your problem? What you got against
the whole world anyway?
SHREK
Look, I'm not the one with the problem,
okay? It's the world that seems to have
a problem with me. People take one look
at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big,
stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before
they even know me. That's why I'm better
off alone.
DONKEY
You know what? When we met, I didn't
think you was just a big, stupid, ugly
ogre.
SHREK
Yeah, I know.
DONKEY
So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?
SHREK
Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small
and Annoying.
DONKEY
Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny
one, right there. That one there?
Fiona puts the door back.
SHREK
That's the moon.
DONKEY
Oh, okay.
DuLoc - Farquaad's Bedroom
The camera pans over a lot of wedding stuff. Soft music plays
in the background. Farquaad is in bed, watching as the Magic
Mirror shows him Princess Fiona.
FARQUAAD
Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror,
show her to me. Show me the princess.
MIRROR
Hmph.
The Mirror rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning.
FARQUAAD
Ah. Perfect.
Farquaad looks down at his bare chest and pulls the sheet up
to cover himself as though Fiona could see him as he gazes sheepishly
at her image in the mirror.
MORNING
Fiona walks out of the cave. She glances at Shrek and Donkey
who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes
across a blue bird. She begins to sing. The bird sings along
with her. She hits higher and higher notes and the bird struggles
to keep up with her. Suddenly the pressure of the note is too
big and the bird explodes. Fiona looks a little sheepish, but
she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. Time lapse, Fiona
is now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Shrek and Donkey are still
sleeping. Shrek wakes up and looks at Fiona. Donkey's talking
in his sleep.
DONKEY
(quietly) Mmm, yeah, you know I like
it like that. Come on, baby. I said
I like it.
SHREK
Donkey, wake up. (shakes him)
DONKEY
Huh? What?
SHREK
Wake up.
DONKEY
What? (stretches and yawns)
FIONA
Good morning. Hm, how do you like your
eggs?
DONKEY
Oh, good morning, Princess!
Fiona gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them.
SHREK
What's all this about?
FIONA
You know, we kind of got off to a bad
start yesterday. I wanted to make it
up to you. I mean, after all, you did
rescue me.
SHREK
Uh, thanks.
Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips.
FIONA
Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead
of us. (walks off)
LATER
They are once again on their way. They are walking through the
forest. Shrek belches.
DONKEY
Shrek!
SHREK
What? It's a compliment. Better out
than in, I always say. (laughs)
DONKEY
Well, it's no way to behave in front
of a princess.
Fiona belches
FIONA
Thanks.
DONKEY
She's as nasty as you are.
SHREK
(chuckles) You know, you're not exactly
what I expected.
FIONA
Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people
before you get to know them.
She smiles and then continues walking, singing softly. Suddenly
from out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Fiona up into
a tree.
ROBIN HOOD
La liberte! Hey!
SHREK
Princess!
FIONA
(to Robin Hood) What are you doing?
ROBIN HOOD
Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior!
And I am rescuing you from this green...(kisses
up her arm while Fiona pulls back in
disgust)...beast.
SHREK
Hey! That's my princess! Go find you
own!
ROBIN HOOD
Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a
little busy here?
FIONA
(getting fed up) Look, pal, I don't
know who you think you are!
ROBIN HOOD
Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please
let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men.
(laughs)
Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merry men pop out
from the bushes. They begin to sing Robin's theme song.
MERRY MEN
Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.
ROBIN HOOD
I steal from the rich and give to the
needy.
MERRY MEN
He takes a wee percentage,
ROBIN HOOD
But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty
damsels, man, I'm good.
MERRY MEN
What a guy, Monsieur Hood.
ROBIN HOOD
Break it down. I like an honest fight
and a saucy little maid...
MERRY MEN
What he's basically saying is he likes
to get...
ROBIN HOOD
Paid. So...When an ogre in the bush
grabs a lady by the tush. That's bad.
MERRY MEN
That's bad.
ROBIN HOOD
When a beauty's with a beast it makes
me awfully mad.
MERRY MEN
He's mad, he's really, really mad.
ROBIN HOOD
I'll take my blade and ram it through
your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys
'cause I'm about to start...
There is a grunt as Fiona swings down from the tree limb and
knocks Robin Hood unconscious.
FIONA
Man, that was annoying!
Shrek looks at her in admiration.
MERRY MAN
Oh, you little- - (shoots an arrow at
Fiona but she ducks out of the way)
The arrow flies toward Donkey who jumps into Shrek's arms to
get out of the way. The arrow proceeds to just bounce off a tree.
Another fight sequence begins and Fiona gives a karate yell and
then proceeds to beat the crap out of the Merry Men. There is
a very interesting 'Matrix' moment here when Fiona pauses in
mid-air to fix her hair. Finally all of the Merry Men are down,
and Fiona begins walking away.
FIONA
Uh, shall we?
SHREK
Hold the phone. (drops Donkey and begins
walking after Fiona) Oh! Whoa, whoa,
whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come
from?
FIONA
What?
SHREK
That! Back there. That was amazing!
Where did you learn that?
FIONA
Well...(laughs) when one lives alone,
uh, one has to learn these things in
case there's a...(gasps and points)
there's an arrow in your butt!
SHREK
What? (turns and looks) Oh, would you
look at that? (he goes to pull it out
but flinches because it's tender)
FIONA
Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so
sorry.
DONKEY
(walking up) Why? What's wrong?
FIONA
Shrek's hurt.
DONKEY
Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no,
Shrek's gonna die.
SHREK
Donkey, I'm okay.
DONKEY
You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm
too young for you to die. Keep you legs
elevated. Turn your head and cough.
Does anyone know the Heimlich?
FIONA
Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help
Shrek, run into the woods and find me
a blue flower with red thorns.
DONKEY
Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on
it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die
Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay
away from the light!
SHREK & FIONA
Donkey!
DONKEY
Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.
(runs off)
SHREK
What are the flowers for?
FIONA
(like it's obvious) For getting rid
of Donkey.
SHREK
Ah.
FIONA
Now you hold still, and I'll yank this
thing out. (gives the arrow a little
pull)
SHREK
(jumps away) Ow! Hey! Easy with the
yankin'.
As they continue to talk Fiona keeps going after the arrow and
Shrek keeps dodging her hands.
FIONA
I'm sorry, but it has to come out.
SHREK
No, it's tender.
FIONA
Now, hold on.
SHREK
What you're doing is the opposite of
help.
FIONA
Don't move.
SHREK
Look, time out.
FIONA
Would you...(grunts as Shrek puts his
hand over her face to stop her from
getting at the arrow) Okay. What do
you propose we do?
ELSEWHERE
Donkey is still looking for the special flower.
DONKEY
Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower,
red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns.
This would be so much easier if I wasn't
color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.
SHREK
(os) Ow!
DONKEY
Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! (rips a
flower off a nearby bush that just happens
to be a blue flower with red thorns)
THE FOREST PATH
SHREK
Ow! Not good.
FIONA
Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.
(Shrek grunts as she pulls) It's just
about...
SHREK
Ow! Ohh! (he jerks and manages to fall
over with Fiona on top of him)
DONKEY
Ahem.
SHREK
(throwing Fiona off of him) Nothing
happend. We were just, uh - -
DONKEY
Look, if you wanted to be alone, all
you had to do was ask. Okay?
SHREK
Oh, come on! That's the last thing on
my mind. The princess here was just-
- (Fiona pulls the arrow out) Ugh! (he
turns to look at Fiona who holds up
the arrow with a smile) Ow!
DONKEY
Hey, what's that? (nervous chuckle)
That's...is that blood?
Donkey faints. Shrek walks over and picks him up as they continue
on their way.
There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to DuLoc.
Shrek crawling up to the top of a tree to make it fall over a
small brook so that Fiona won't get wet. Shrek then gets up as
Donkey is just about to cross the tree and the tree swings back
into it's upright position and Donkey flies off. Shrek swatting
and a bunch of flies and mosquitoes. Fiona grabs a nearby spiderweb
that's on a tree branch and runs through the field swinging it
around to catch the bugs. She then hands it to Shrek who begins
eating like it's a treat. As he walks off she licks her fingers.
Shrek catching a toad and blowing it up like a balloon and presenting
it to Fiona. Fiona catching a snake, blowing it up, fashioning
it into a balloon animal and presenting it to Shrek. The group
arriving at a windmill that is near DuLoc.
WINDMILL
SHREK
There it is, Princess. Your future awaits
you.
FIONA
That's DuLoc?
DONKEY
Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks
Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,
which I think means he has a really...(Shrek
steps on his hoof) Ow!
SHREK
Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move
on.
FIONA
Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried
about Donkey.
SHREK
What?
FIONA
I mean, look at him. He doesn't look
so good.
DONKEY
What are you talking about? I'm fine.
FIONA
(kneels to look him in the eyes) That's
what they always say, and then next
thing you know, you're on your back.
(pause) Dead.
SHREK
You know, she's right. You look awful.
Do you want to sit down?
FIONA
Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.
DONKEY
I didn't want to say nothin', but I
got this twinge in my neck, and when
I turn my head like this, look, (turns
his neck in a very sharp way until his
head is completely sideways) Ow! See?
SHREK
Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.
FIONA
I'll get the firewood.
DONKEY
Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't
feel my toes! (looks down and yelps)
I don't have any toes! I think I need
a hug.
SUNSET
Shrek has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner while
Fiona eats.
FIONA
Mmm. This is good. This is really good.
What is this?
SHREK
Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style.
FIONA
No kidding. Well, this is delicious.
SHREK
Well, they're also great in stews. Now,
I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean
weed rat stew. (chuckles)
Fiona looks at DuLoc and sighs.
FIONA
I guess I'll be dining a little differently
tomorrow night.
SHREK
Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp
sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff
for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare
- - you name it.
FIONA
(smiles) I'd like that.
They smiles at each other.
SHREK
Um, Princess?
FIONA
Yes, Shrek?
SHREK
I, um, I was wondering...are you...(sighs)
Are you gonna eat that?
DONKEY
(chuckles) Man, isn't this romantic?
Just look at that sunset.
FIONA
(jumps up) Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's
late. I-It's very late.
SHREK
What?
DONKEY
Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on
here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't
you?
FIONA
Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified.
You know, I'd better go inside.
DONKEY
Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to
be afraid of the dark, too, until -
- Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of
the dark.
Shrek sighs
FIONA
Good night.
SHREK
Good night.
Fiona goes inside the windmill and closes the door. Donkey looks
at Shrek with a new eye.
DONKEY
Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on
here.
SHREK
Oh, what are you talkin' about?
DONKEY
I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm
an animal, and I got instincts. And
I know you two were diggin' on each
other. I could feel it.
SHREK
You're crazy. I'm just bringing her
back to Farquaad.
DONKEY
Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell
the pheromones. Just go on in and tell
her how you feel.
SHREK
I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides,
even if I did tell her that, well, you
know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause
I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm
- -
DONKEY
An ogre?
SHREK
Yeah. An ogre.
DONKEY
Hey, where you goin'?
SHREK
To get... move firewood. (sighs)
Donkey looks over at the large pile of firewood there already
is.
TIME LAPSE
Donkey opens the door to the Windmill and walks in. Fiona is
nowhere to be seen.
DONKEY
Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess,
where are you? Princess?
Fiona looks at Donkey from the shadows, but we can't see her.
DONKEY
It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing
no games.
Suddenly Fiona falls from the railing. She gets up only she doesn't
look like herself. She looks like an ogre and Donkey starts freaking
out.
DONKEY
Aah!
FIONA
Oh, no!
DONKEY
No, help!
FIONA
Shh!
DONKEY
Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
FIONA
No, it's okay. It's okay.
DONKEY
What did you do with the princess?
FIONA
Donkey, I'm the princess.
DONKEY
Aah!
FIONA
It's me, in this body.
DONKEY
Oh, my God! You ate the princess. (to
her stomach) Can you hear me?
FIONA
Donkey!
DONKEY
(still aimed at her stomach) Listen,
keep breathing! I'll get you out of
there!
FIONA
No!
DONKEY
Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
FIONA
Shh.
DONKEY
Shrek!
FIONA
This is me.
Donkey looks into her eyes as she pets his muzzle, and he quiets
down.
DONKEY
Princess? What happened to you? You're,
uh, uh, uh, different.
FIONA
I'm ugly, okay?
DONKEY
Well, yeah! Was it something you ate?
'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a
bad idea. You are what you eat, I said.
Now - -
FIONA
No. I - - I've been this way as long
as I can remember.
DONKEY
What do you mean? Look, I ain't never
seen you like this before.
FIONA
It only happens when sun goes down.
"By night one way, by day another. This
shall be the norm... until you find
true love's first kiss... and then take
love's true form."
DONKEY
Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know
you wrote poetry.
FIONA
It's a spell. (sigh) When I was a little
girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every
night I become this. This horrible,
ugly beast! I was placed in a tower
to await the day my true love would
rescue me. That's why I have to marry
Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun
sets and he sees me like this. (begins
to cry)
DONKEY
All right, all right. Calm down. Look,
it's not that bad. You're not that ugly.
Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly.
But you only look like this at night.
Shrek's ugly 24-7.
FIONA
But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this
is not how a princess is meant to look.
DONKEY
Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry
Farquaad?
FIONA
I have to. Only my true love's kiss
can break the spell.
DONKEY
But, you know, um, you're kind of an
orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a
lot in common.
FIONA
Shrek?
OUTSIDE
Shrek is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in his
hand.
SHREK
(to himself) Princess, I - - Uh, how's
it going, first of all? Good? Um, good
for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower
and thought of you because it's pretty
and - - well, I don't really like it,
but I thought you might like it 'cause
you're pretty. But I like you anyway.
I'd - - uh, uh...(sighs) I'm in trouble.
Okay, here we go.
He walks up to the door and pauses outside when he hears Donkey
and Fiona talking.
FIONA
(os) I can't just marry whoever I want.
Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean,
really, who can ever love a beast so
hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly"
don't go together. That's why I can't
stay here with Shrek.
Shrek steps back in shock.
FIONA
(os) My only chance to live happily
ever after is to marry my true love.
Shrek heaves a deep sigh. He throws the flower down and walks
away.
INSIDE
FIONA
Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how
it has to be. It's the only way to break
the spell.
DONKEY
You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.
FIONA
No! You can't breathe a word. No one
must ever know.
DONKEY
What's the point of being able to talk
if you gotta keep secrets?
FIONA
Promise you won't tell. Promise!
DONKEY
All right, all right. I won't tell him.
But you should. (goes outside) I just
know before this is over, I'm gonna
need a whole lot of serious therapy.
Look at my eye twitchin'.
Fiona comes out the door and watches him walk away. She looks
down and spots the sunflower. She picks it up before going back
inside the windmill.
MORNING
Donkey is asleep. Shrek is nowhere to be seen. Fiona is still
awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower.
FIONA
I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him,
I tell him not. I tell him. (she quickly
runs to the door and goes outside) Shrek!
Shrek, there's something I want...(she
looks and sees the rising sun, and as
the sun crests the sky she turns back
into a human.)
Just as she looks back at the sun she sees Shrek stomping towards
her.
FIONA
Shrek. Are you all right?
SHREK
Perfect! Never been better.
FIONA
I - - I don't - - There's something
I have to tell you.
SHREK
You don't have to tell me anything,
Princess. I heard enough last night.
FIONA
You heard what I said?
SHREK
Every word.
FIONA
I thought you'd understand.
SHREK
Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who
could love a hideous, ugly beast?"
FIONA
But I thought that wouldn't matter to
you.
SHREK
Yeah? Well, it does. (Fiona looks at
him in shock. He looks past her and
spots a group approaching.) Ah, right
on time. Princess, I've brought you
a little something.
Farquaad has arrived with a group of his men. He looks very regal
sitting up on his horse. You would never guess that he's only
like 3 feet tall. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers
march by.
DONKEY
What'd I miss? What'd I miss? (spots
the soldiers) (muffled) Who said that?
Couldn't have been the donkey.
FARQUAAD
Princess Fiona.
SHREK
As promised. Now hand it over.
FARQUAAD
Very well, ogre. (holds out a piece
of paper) The deed to your swamp, cleared
out, as agreed. Take it and go before
I change my mind. (Shrek takes the paper)
Forgive me, Princess, for startling
you, but you startled me, for I have
never seen such a radiant beauty before.
I'm Lord Farquaad.
FIONA
Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. (Farquaad
snaps his fingers) Forgive me, my lord,
for I was just saying a short... (Watches
as Farquaad is lifted off his horse
and set down in front of her. He comes
to her waist.) farewell.
FARQUAAD
Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have
to waste good manners on the ogre. It's
not like it has feelings.
FIONA
No, you're right. It doesn't.
Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face.
FARQUAAD
Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless
Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.
Will you be the perfect bride for the
perfect groom?
FIONA
Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would
make - -
FARQUAAD
(interrupting) Excellent! I'll start
the plans, for tomorrow we wed!
FIONA
No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get
married today before the sun sets.
FARQUAAD
Oh, anxious, are you? You're right.
The sooner, the better. There's so much
to do! There's the caterer, the cake,
the band, the guest list. Captain, round
up some guests! (a guard puts Fiona
on the back of his horse)
FIONA
Fare-thee-well, ogre.
Farquaad's whole party begins to head back to DuLoc. Donkey watches
them go.
DONKEY
Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting
her get away.
SHREK
Yeah? So what?
DONKEY
Shrek, there's something about her you
don't know. Look, I talked to her last
night, She's - -
SHREK
I know you talked to her last night.
You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if
you two are such good friends, why don't
you follow her home?
DONKEY
Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.
SHREK
I told you, didn't I? You're not coming
home with me. I live alone! My swamp!
Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody!
Especially useless, pathetic, annoying,
talking donkeys!
DONKEY
But I thought - -
SHREK
Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong!
(stomps off)
DONKEY
Shrek.
Montage of different scenes. Shrek arriving back home. Fiona
being fitted for the wedding dress. Donkey at a stream running
into the dragon. Shrek cleaning up his house. Fiona eating dinner
alone. Shrek eating dinner alone.
SHREK'S HOME
Shrek is eating dinner when he hears a sound outside. He goes
outside to investigate.
SHREK
Donkey? (Donkey ignores him and continues
with what he's doing.) What are you
doing?
DONKEY
I would think, of all people, you would
recognize a wall when you see one.
SHREK
Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed
to go around my swamp, not through it.
DONKEY
It is around your half. See that's your
half, and this is my half.
SHREK
Oh! Your half. Hmm.
DONKEY
Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess.
I did half the work. I get half the
booty. Now hand me that big old rock,
the one that looks like your head.
SHREK
Back off!
DONKEY
No, you back off.
SHREK
This is my swamp!
DONKEY
Our swamp.
SHREK
(grabs the tree branch Donkey is working
with) Let go, Donkey!
DONKEY
You let go.
SHREK
Stubborn jackass!
DONKEY
Smelly ogre.
SHREK
Fine! (drops the tree branch and walks
away)
DONKEY
Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through
with you yet.
SHREK
Well, I'm through with you.
DONKEY
Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always,
"Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now
it's my turn! So you just shut up and
pay attention! You are mean to me. You
insult me and you don't appreciate anything
that I do! You're always pushing me
around or pushing me away.
SHREK
Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so
bad, how come you came back?
DONKEY
Because that's what friends do! They
forgive each other!
SHREK
Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive
you... for stabbin' me in the back!
(goes into the outhouse and slams the
door)
DONKEY
Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers,
onion boy, you're afraid of your own
feelings.
SHREK
(os) Go away!
DONKEY
There you are , doing it again just
like you did to Fiona. All she ever
do was like you, maybe even love you.
SHREK
(os) Love me? She said I was ugly, a
hideous creature. I heard the two of
you talking.
DONKEY
She wasn't talkin' about you. She was
talkin' about, uh, somebody else.
SHREK
(opens the door and comes out) She wasn't
talking about me? Well, then who was
she talking about?
DONKEY
Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything.
You don't wanna listen to me. Right?
Right?
SHREK
Donkey!
DONKEY
No!
SHREK
Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? (sigh)
I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big,
stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me?
DONKEY
Hey, that's what friends are for, right?
SHREK
Right. Friends?
DONKEY
Friends.
SHREK
So, um, what did Fiona say about me?
DONKEY
What are you asking me for? Why don't
you just go ask her?
SHREK
The wedding! We'll never make it in
time.
DONKEY
Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's
a will, there's a way and I have a way.
(whistles)
Suddenly the dragon arrives overhead and flies low enough so
they can climb on.
SHREK
Donkey?
DONKEY
I guess it's just my animal magnetism.
They both laugh.
SHREK
Aw, come here, you. (gives Donkey a
noogie)
DONKEY
All right, all right. Don't get all
slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All
right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't
had a chance to install the seat belts
yet.
They climb aboard the dragon and she takes off for DuLoc.
DULOC - CHURCH
Fiona and Farquaad are getting married. The whole town is there.
The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Revered Silence'.
PRIEST
People of DuLoc, we gather here today
to bear witness to the union....
FIONA
(eyeing the setting sun) Um-
PRIEST
...of our new king...
FIONA
Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead
to the "I do's"?
FARQUAAD
(chuckles and then motions to the priest
to indulge Fiona) Go on.
COURTYARD
Some guards are milling around. Suddenly the dragon lands with
a boom. The guards all take off running.
DONKEY
(to Dragon) Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN.
If we need you, I'll whistle. How about
that? (she nods and goes after the guards)
Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You
wanna do this right, don't you?
SHREK
(at the Church door) What are you talking
about?
DONKEY
There's a line you gotta wait for. The
preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or
forever hold your peace." That's when
you say, "I object!"
SHREK
I don't have time for this!
DONKEY
Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen
to me! Look, you love this woman, don't
you?
SHREK
Yes.
DONKEY
You wanna hold her?
SHREK
Yes.
DONKEY
Please her?
SHREK
Yes!
DONKEY
(singing James Brown style) Then you
got to, got to try a little tenderness.
(normal) The chicks love that romantic
crap!
SHREK
All right! Cut it out. When does this
guy say the line?
DONKEY
We gotta check it out.
INSIDE CHURCH
As the priest talks we see Donkey's shadow through one of the
windows Shrek tosses him up so he can see.
PRIEST
And so, by the power vested in me...
Outside
SHREK
What do you see?
DONKEY
The whole town's in there.
Inside
PRIEST
I now pronounce you husband and wife...
Outside
DONKEY
They're at the altar.
Inside
PRIEST
...king and queen.
Outside
DONKEY
Mother Fletcher! He already said it.
SHREK
Oh, for the love of Pete!
He runs inside without catching Donkey, who hits the ground hard.
INSIDE CHURCH
SHREK
(running toward the alter) I object!
FIONA
Shrek?
The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek.
FARQUAAD
Oh, now what does he want?
SHREK
(to congregation as he reaches the front
of the Church) Hi, everyone. Havin'
a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first
of all. Very clean.
FIONA
What are you doing here?
SHREK
Really, it's rude enough being alive
when no one wants you, but showing up
uninvited to a wedding...
SHREK
Fiona! I need to talk to you.
FIONA
Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little
late for that, so if you'll excuse me
- -
SHREK
But you can't marry him.
FIONA
And why not?
SHREK
Because- - Because he's just marring
you so he can be king.
FARQUAAD
Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.
SHREK
He's not your true love.
FIONA
And what do you know about true love?
SHREK
Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -
FARQUAAD
Oh, this is precious. The ogee has fallen
in love with the princess! Oh, good
Lord. (laughs)
The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Laugh'. The
whole congregation laughs.
FARQUAAD
An ogre and a princess!
FIONA
Shrek, is this true?
FARQUAAD
Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona,
my love, we're but a kiss away from
our "happily ever after." Now kiss me!
(puckers his lips and leans toward her,
but she pulls back.)
FIONA
(looking at the setting sun) "By night
one way, by day another." (to Shrek)
I wanted to show you before.
She backs up and as the sun sets she changes into her ogre self.
She gives Shrek a sheepish smile.
SHREK
Well, uh, that explains a lot. (Fiona
smiles)
FARQUAAD
Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards!
I order you to get that out of my sight
now! Get them! Get them both!
The guards run in and separate Fiona and Shrek. Shrek fights
them.
SHREK
No, no!
FIONA
Shrek!
FARQUAAD
This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This
marriage is binding, and that makes
me king! See? See?
FIONA
No, let go of me! Shrek!
SHREK
No!
FARQUAAD
Don't just stand there, you morons.
SHREK
Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!
FARQUAAD
I'll make you regret the day we met.
I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll
beg for death to save you!
FIONA
No, Shrek!
FARQUAAD
(hold a dagger to Fiona's throat) And
as for you, my wife...
SHREK
Fiona!
FARQUAAD
I'll have you locked back in that tower
for the rest of your days! I'm king!
Shrek manages to get a hand free and he whistles.
FARQUAAD
I will have order! I will have perfection!
I will have - - (Donkey and the dragon
show up and the dragon leans down and
eats Farquaad) Aaaah! Aah!
DONKEY
All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon
here, and I'm not afraid to use it.
(The dragon roars.) I'm a donkey on
the edge!
The dragon belches and Farquaad's crown flies out of her mouth
and falls to the ground.
DONKEY
Celebrity marriages. They never last,
do they?
The congregation cheers.
DONKEY
Go ahead, Shrek.
SHREK
Uh, Fiona?
FIONA
Yes, Shrek?
SHREK
I - - I love you.
FIONA
Really?
SHREK
Really, really.
FIONA
(smiles) I love you too.
Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of the cards and writes
'Awwww' on the back and then shows it to the congregation.
CONGREGATION
Aawww!
Suddenly the magic of the spell pulls Fiona away. She's lifted
up into the air and she hovers there while the magic works around
her.
WHISPERS
"Until you find true love's first kiss
and then take love's true form. Take
love's true form. Take love's true form."
Suddenly Fiona's eyes open wide. She's consumed by the spell
and then is slowly lowered to the ground.
SHREK
(going over to her) Fiona? Fiona. Are
you all right?
FIONA
(standing up, she's still an ogre) Well,
yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed
to be beautiful.
SHREK
But you ARE beautiful.
They smile at each other.
DONKEY
(chuckles) I was hoping this would be
a happy ending.
Shrek and Fiona kiss...and the kiss fades into...
THE SWAMP
...their wedding kiss. Shrek and Fiona are now married. 'I'm
a Believer' by Smashmouth is played in the background. Shrek
and Fiona break apart and run through the crowd to their awaiting
carriage. Which is made of a giant onion. Fiona tosses her bouquet
which both Cinderella and Snow White try to catch. But they end
up getting into a cat fight and so the dragon catches the bouquet
instead. The Gingerbread man has been mended somewhat and now
has one leg and walks with a candy cane cane. Shrek and Fiona
walk off as the rest of the guests party and Donkey takes over
singing the song.
GINGERBREAD MAN
God bless us, every one.
DONKEY
(as he's done singing and we fade to
black) Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't
breathe. I can't breathe.
THE END
Разработка внеклассного мероприятия по английскому языку “Shreck- New Year Adventures”
Сцена 1
Занавес закрыт( украшен по новогодней тематике). Перед занавесом- новогодняя ёлочка, под которой лежат подарки. Появляется девочка, прощающаяся с родителями.
Have good time, Dad ! Have good time, Mum!We have so many presents here! Oh, I can’t wait! I want to see what’s inside…
Она остаётся дома одна и , не утерпев, разворачивает свой новогодний подарок( большая книга о Шрэке. Девочка открывает книгу и начинает читать:
It’s a book called “Shreck”. He is a monster who lives on the swamp.
Once upon a time in the kingdom Far-Far Away the King and the Queen were blessed with a beautiful baby girl. And throughout the land everyone was happy until the sun went down and the saw that their daughter was cursed with a frightful enchantment that took hold every night. The enchantment could only be broken by love’s first kiss. She was locked away in a castle and guarded by a terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free the princess Fiona from this dreadful prison but none prevailed.
Only Shreck managed to do it . He set free, kissed and married Fiona. Their family life had been wonderful until they quarreled before Christmas.
Звучит музыка, на занавесе образуется разноцветный заворот огней, занавес открывается.
Сцена 2
Занавес открыт.Насцене декорации дома Шрэка на болоте. Он один и грустит потому, что поссорился с Фионой (воспроизводится отрывок из мультфильма « Шрэк-2» )Звучит фоновая музыка Rufus Wainwright “Hallelujah”.
Вдруг к Шрэку врывается Осёл и начинает тараторить:
-Hi, Shreck! How are you? Why are you so sa-a-a-ad? Oh, where’s Fiona?Where are the children? You know, New Year is coming…?
— I don’t want to talk about it…
-Why don’t you want to talk about it?
-Why do you want to talk about it?
-Why are you blocking?
-I’m not blocking.
-Oh, yes, you are.
-Donkey, I’m warning you.
-Who you trying to keep out?
-Everyone! Okay?
— Oh, now we are getting somewhere.
-Oh, for the love of Pete!
-What’s your problem? What you got against me?
-Never mind, Donkey. We have a problem with Fiona. She’s angry with me.I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. I am so sorry now. And Christmas is coming… and I’m alone…
Oh, Donkey, what can I do?
- Hey! That’s what friends are for, right?
- Right… What do you mean? How…?
- Ha, ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there’s a will, there’s a way and I have a way (свистит и тянет Шрэка в карету)
- Donkey?
- All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven’t had a chance to install the seat belts yet.
Осёл и Шрэк уезжают на карете-чесночке. Звучит «дорожная» музыка.
Сцена 3
Дворец арабского шейха. Шейх расположился на подушках, курит кольян , перед ним фрукты. Отдаёт приказ:
-Magic mirror!
Выносит ученик волшебное зеркало, вставляет в него лицо.
-Yes, Master…
— Mirror, mirror on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?
— Well, technically you are not a king.
-Uh… You were saying…?
— What I mean is, you are not the king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.
— Go on.
It’s time for you to meet, today’s bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one : she likes suchi and her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella!
Девушка в восточном костюме (служанка Шейха) вносит большой портрет Золушки.
-Bachelorette number two is the girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she’s nice. Give it up for Snow White!
Вносят большой портрет Белоснежки.
-And last but certainly not least, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon guarded castle! She likes pina – colados. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!
Вносят большой портрет Фионы ( фото ученицы, играющей роль Фионы). Звучит восточная музыка. Шейх выбирает.
- So, will it be number one, number two or number three?
- Number three!
- You’ve chosen Princess Fiona!
- She’s perfect All I have to do is just find someone who can go and bring her. I will make this princess Fiona my queen, and I will be a king. Bring her to me!
Звучит восточная музыка. Девушки в восточных костюмах: 1- зеркало, 2- портрет Золушки, 3- портрет Белоснежки, 4- портрет Фионы) ставят всё и танцуют восточный танец (во время танца сыпятся на сцену мыльные пузыри, работает цветомузыка).
Сцена 4
Фиону приводят во дворец к Шейху.
-Shreck will be here soon and you’ll be sorry.
Шейх задумался. Тишина. Только бульканье в кольяне.
— Sorry? Don’t you realize once Shreck sets foot in my palace… he’s dead?Princess? What’s happened to you? You are, uh, uh,uh different.
-I’m ugly, O’K?
— Well,yeah! Was it something you ate?
— No, I’ve been this way as long as I can remember.
— Never mind, you can make me the king anyway,with a green face, with a yellow fsce…and even with a red face!
Take her to the tower!
Фиону уводят в башню.
-you will be sorry! Shreck will come!
Сцена 5
Дворец шейха. Входит Шрэк, переодетый в Деда Мороза. Рядом с ним Осёл и многочисленные друзья.
-Ho-ho-ho! I’m Father Frost ,uh, Santa Claus! Who was a good boy? I have a present for you. Are you a good boy?
-You don’t look like Santa Claus…
-Why not? I can sing and dance…
-Dance? Dance…Dance!
Осёл подбадривает:
-Come on, lazy bones! Time to get moving! Dance!
Все:
-Dance! Dance! Dance!
Звучит музыка. Шрэк начинает танцевать, так увлекается что снимает халат Санта Клауса и остается в костюме Шрэка.
-Shreck! What are you doing here?
-What have you done to Fiona?
-Don’t worry, she is safe…for now. Kill them all… except the fat one! You are a monster! The princess is mine!
-I’m not the monster here! You are! The princess is mine! Let’s deal with it like real men! Kamatsima?
-Kamatsima!
Играют в «Каматсиму». Шрэк выигрывает, его друзья радуются:
-East or West-Shreck’s the best!!!
-No, no it’s not fair!
-But you promised! Lier!
-I’m not a lier, I am a shah! I do what I like.
-Okay, let’s try again. And this time we’ll deal with it like real men!
Шрэк и Шейх сражаются под музыку(Rammstein)
Шах побежден. Друзья Шрэка радуются:
-Shreck, Shreck, what a mess!
-Shreck, Shreck, you’re the best!
Сцена 6
Звучит музыка Dana Glover « It is you»
Выходит Фиона
-Oh, darling, I’m, so sorry. Can you fogive me?
-Of course, Shreck. Let’s forget about it. New Year is coming. Can you hear?
Раздается бой курантов, все радуются, поджигают бенгальские огни. Звучит музыка АВВА «Happy New Year»-дети поют песню и поздравляют всех с наступающим новым годом:
No more champagne
And the fireworks are through
Here we are, me and you
Feeling lost and feeling blue
It’s the end of the party
And the morning seems so grey
So unlike yesterday
Now’s the time for us to say…
Happy New Year
Happy New Year
May we all have a vision now and then
Of a world where every neighbour is a friend
Happy New Year
Happy New Year
May we all have our hopes, our will to try
If we don’t we might as well lay down and die
You and I
Sometimes I see
How the brave new world arrives
And I see how it thrives
In the ashes of our lives
Oh yes, man is a fool
And he thinks he’ll be okay
Dragging on, feet of clay
Never knowing he’s astray
Keeps on going anyway…