This is the transcript for the 2001 film, Shrek.
A ray of light shines down on a leather-bound storybook. The book opens and a voice begins reading its text:
SHREK: Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love’s first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon’s keep in the highest room of the tallest tower. For her true love and true love’s first kiss.
The voice laughs. A big, green hand rips out a page of the book and shuts it closed.
SHREK: Like that’s ever gonna happen. What a load of —
We see an outhouse and hear the sound of a toilet flushing. Out steps SHREK, an ogre, who tugs at his underwear and shakes his foot of the page still stuck to his shoe. He looks lovingly at the swamp he calls home, and goes about his daily routine. This includes taking a mud shower, brushing his teeth with bugs, bathing in a muddy pond, gathering giant slugs for dinner, and painting a warning sign.
In a nearby village, an angry mob gather up to go after Shrek. At night they gather their torches and pitchforks and enter the swamp, trampling over Shrek’s warning signs. Shrek sees them after investigating the commotion, rolling his eyes. The villagers stop outside Shrek’s home, unaware that Shrek is sneaking up behind them.
NIGHT — NEAR SHREK’S HOME
VILLAGER 1: Think it’s in there?
VILLAGER 2: All right. Let’s get it!
VILLAGER 1: Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?
VILLAGER 3: Yeah, it’ll grind your bones for its bread.
Shrek chuckles, revealing himself to be standing behind the mob.
SHREK: Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant.
The mob gasp.
SHREK: Now, ogres, oh they’re much worse. They’ll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin…
Shrek slowly approaches as the villagers back away in fear.
VILLAGERS: No!
SHREK: They’ll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it’s quite good on toast.
VILLAGER 1: Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!
The villager waves his torch in Shrek’s face. Shrek casually licks his fingers and pinches the flame, extinguishing the torch. The villager drops it.
VILLAGER 1: Right…
Shrek terrifies the mob with a great frightening roar, his spit extinguishing all the remaining torches. He wipes his mouth and waits for the villagers to stop screaming.
SHREK: (Whispering) This is the part where you run away.
ALL: (Screaming!!!)
Shrek laughs as the men drop their torches and pitchforks and run away as fast they can.
SHREK: And stay out!
He looks down and picks up a wanted poster dropped by one of the villagers. He reads it aloud.
SHREK: «Wanted. Fairytale creatures»?
He sighs and walks off. dropping the poster to the ground.
THE NEXT DAY — FOREST
Fairy tale creatures are put in chains and led into wagons by Duloc Guards. The Captain of the Duloc Guards sits at a table paying a line of people their rewards for turning in the fairytale creatures. Those waiting in line include Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Geppetto who is carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer carrying the Three Little Pigs.
GUARD: All right. This one’s full. Take it away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!
THE CAPTAIN: Next!
GUARD: (Taking the witch’s broom) Give me that! Your flying days are over. (breaks the broom in half)
THE CAPTAIN: That’s 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!
The captain hands over the reward to the villager who turned the witch in. The villager mutters to himself.
VILLAGER: Lousy twenty pieces…
GUARD: Get up! Come on!
Waiting in line is Donkey on a leash and his owner. He looks in horror at the witch and a group of dwarves being loaded into a wagon.
GUARD: Sit down there! Be quiet!
Mama Bear and Papa Bear are locked inside giant cages, with Little Bear in his own cage.
LITTLE BEAR: (crying) This cage is too small.
DONKEY: (To his owner) Please, don’t turn me in. I’ll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance!
OLD WOMAN: Oh, shut up. (Smacks Donkey)
DONKEY: Oh!
THE CAPTAIN: Next! What have you got?
GEPPETTO: This little wooden puppet.
PINOCCHIO: I’m not a puppet. I’m a real boy. (his nose grows)
THE CAPTAIN: Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.
PINOCCHIO: Father, please! Don’t let them do this! Help me!
Geppetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up to the table.
THE CAPTAIN: Next! What have you got?
OLD WOMAN: Well, I’ve got a talking donkey.
THE CAPTAIN: Right. Well, that’s good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.
OLD WOMAN: Oh, go ahead, little fella. (Donkey stays silent).
THE CAPTAIN: Well?..
OLD WOMAN: Oh, oh, he’s just…he’s just a little nervous. He’s really quite a chatterbox. (Smacks Donkey again) Talk, you boneheaded dolt, talk!
THE CAPTAIN: That’s it. I’ve heard enough. Guards!
OLD WOMAN: No, no, he talks! He does. (Moving Donkey’s lips) I can talk. I love to talk. I’m the talking-est damn thing you ever saw.
THE CAPTAIN: Get her out of my sight.
OLD WOMAN: No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!
The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan’s hands, and her cage drops on Donkey’s head. He gets sprinkled with fairy dust and starts floating upwards.
DONKEY: Hey! I can fly!
PETER PAN: He can fly!
THREE LITTLE PIGS: He can fly!
THE CAPTAIN: He can talk?!
DONKEY: Ha, ha! That’s right, fool! Now I’m a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain’t never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! (The pixie dust’s effects begin to wear off) Uh-oh. (He drops out of the air and hits the ground with a thud.)
THE CAPTAIN: Seize him!
Donkey dodges the guards as they try to grab him and runs deeper into the forest.
GUARDS: He’s getting away! Get him! This way! Turn!
Donkey escapes deeper into the forest and runs head first into Shrek’s backside. Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him and glares down at Donkey. Donkey looks scared of Shrek for a moment, but he quickly hides behind him after seeing that the guards have caught up to him.
THE CAPTAIN: You there. Ogre!
SHREK: Aye?
THE CAPTAIN: By the order of Lord Farquaad, I am authorized to place you both under arrest and…(Shrek slowly approaches the group of guards, the guards visibly frightened by him) transport you to… a designated…resettlement…facility?
SHREK: Oh, really? You and what army? (Smiles)
The Captain looks behind himself and sees that all the other guards have abandoned him. The Captain tucks tail and runs off. Shrek shakes his head and starts walking back to his swamp. Donkey, impressed by Shrek, follows him.
DONKEY: Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin’ back here. Incredible!
SHREK: Are you talkin’ to…(he turns around and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back around and Donkey is right in front of him.) Whoa!
DONKEY: Yes. I was talkin’ to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back there? Man those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up and bam! They was trippin’ over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.
SHREK: (Annoyed) Oh, that’s great. Really.
DONKEY: Man, it’s good to be free.
SHREK: Now, why don’t you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?
DONKEY: But, uh, I don’t have any friends. And I’m not goin’ out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I’ll stick with you. You’re a mean, green, fightin’ machine. Together we’ll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.
Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before loudly roaring in is face.
DONKEY: Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don’t mind me sayin’, if that don’t work, your breath certainly will get the job done, ’cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, ’cause your breath stinks!
Shrek walks off. Donkey reappears ahead of him, dangling from a felled log.
DONKEY: Man, you almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time…(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey continues to talk, so Shrek removes his hand.) …then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases leaking out of my butt that day.
SHREK: Why are you following me?
DONKEY: I’ll tell you why. (Drops from the log. Singing) «‘Cause I’m all alone, There’s no one here beside me, My problems have all gone, There’s no one to deride me, But you gotta have friends…»
SHREK: Stop singing! (Picks up Donkey by his ears and tail) It’s no wonder you don’t have any friends (drops him).
DONKEY: Wow. Only a true friend would be that truly honest.
SHREK: Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?
DONKEY: (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh…really tall?
SHREK: No! I’m an ogre! You know, «Grab your torch and pitchforks.» Doesn’t that bother you?
DONKEY: (Shakes his head) Nope.
SHREK: (Surprised) Really?
DONKEY: Really, really.
SHREK: Oh.
DONKEY: Man, I like you. What’s your name?
SHREK: Uh, Shrek.
DONKEY: Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of «I-don’t-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me» thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You’re all right. (They come over a hill overlooking Shrek’s home.) Woo, look at that! Who’d want to live in place like that?
SHREK: (Annoyed) That would be my home.
DONKEY: Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It’s amazing what you’ve done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. (Looks at Shrek’s «keep out» signs) I guess you don’t entertain much, do you?
SHREK: I like my privacy.
DONKEY: You know, I do too. That’s another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You’re trying to give them a hint and they won’t leave. And there’s that big awkward silence you know? (awkward silence) Can I stay with you?
SHREK: Uh, what?
DONKEY: Can I stay with you, please?
SHREK: (sarcastically) Of course!
DONKEY: Really?
SHREK: No.
DONKEY: Please! I don’t wanna go back there! You don’t know what it’s like to be considered a freak. (Donkey pushes Shrek up against the door) Well, maybe you do. But that’s why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!
SHREK: Okay! Okay! But one night only.
DONKEY: Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the hut)
SHREK: Ah! What are you…no! (Donkey hops up onto a chair.) No!
DONKEY: This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin’ manly stories, and in the mornin’… I’m makin’ waffles.
SHREK: (Groans in frustration)
DONKEY: Where do, uh, I sleep?
SHREK: (irritated) Outside!
DONKEY: Oh, well, I guess that’s cool. I mean, I don’t know you, and you don’t know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek slams the door, shutting Donkey outside) I mean, I do like the outdoors. I’m a donkey. I was born outside. I’ll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I’m all alone…there’s no one here beside me…
SHREK’S HOME — NIGHT
Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits down, lights a candle made out of his own earwax, and begins eating. Donkey looks inside from a window, and then lays down by the front door. Shrek is about to take a bite when he hears a creaking noise. He stands up with a huff.
SHREK: (to Donkey) I thought I told you to stay outside!
DONKEY: (from the window) I am outside!
Shrek hears a noise from inside and turns to find the source. He sees several shadows moving and looks around. He sees the Three Blind Mice on his table.
MOUSE 1: Well, gents, it’s a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have?
MOUSE 2: It’s not home, but it’ll do just fine.
GORDER: (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed.
SHREK Got ya. (Grabs Gorder, but he escapes and lands on his shoulder.)
GORDER: I found some cheese. (bites into Shrek’s ear)
SHREK: Ow! (tries to grab him)
GORDER: Blah! Awful stuff. (jumps down to the table)
BLIND MOUSE: Is that you, Gorder?
GORDER: How did you know?
SHREK: Enough! (he grabs all three mice) What are you doing in my house? (He gets bumped from behind and he drops the mice.) Hey!
Shrek turns around and sees that the Seven Dwarves have put Snow White, sleeping in her glass coffin, on the table.
SHREK: Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table! (pushes the coffin away)
DWARF: Where are we supposed to put her? The bed’s taken.
SHREK: Huh?
Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain. The Big Bad Wolf is laying in the bed.
BIG BAD WOLF: What?
Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging him to the front door.
SHREK: I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I’m a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy?
He opens the front door and throws the Wolf out. He sees that a horde of fairytale creatures have set up camp in his swamp.
SHREK: Oh, no. No! No! (He dodges out the way of a group of witches flying on broomsticks)
The Three Bears (minus Mama Bear) sit around the fire, the Pied Piper is playing his pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land…etc.
SHREK: What are you doing in my swamp?!!
Shrek’s voice echoes throughout the camp and everyone falls silent. Gasps are heard all around. The Three Good Fairies hide inside a tent.
SHREK: All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let’s go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!
DWARVES: Hey! Quickly. Come on!
More dwarves run inside the house and shut the door behind them.
SHREK: No, no! No, no. Not there! Not there!
Shrek fiddles with the door handle, unable to open it. He gives Donkey an annoyed look.
DONKEY: Hey, don’t look at me. I didn’t invite them.
PINOCCHIO: Well gosh, no one invited us.
SHREK: What?!
PINOCCHIO: We were forced to come here!
SHREK: By who?!
LITTLE PIG: Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed and he…signed an eviction notice.
SHREK: (Sighs) Alright. Who knows where this… «Farquaad» guy is?
The crowd gasps at the mention of Lord Farquaad. No one answers.
DONKEY: Oh, I do. I know where he is!
SHREK: Does anyone else know where to find him?
Baby Bear raises his hand but Papa Bear quickly lowers his hand down. The Big Bad Wolf and a wizard point at each other.
SHREK: Anyone at all?
DONKEY: Me! Me!
SHREK: Anyone?
DONKEY: (Jumping up and down) Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!
SHREK: (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention all…fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable! Your welcome is officially worn out! In fact, I’m gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!
After a brief silence, the crowd erupts into cheering and applause. This was not Shrek’s intention. A group of birds drapes a cloak made of flowers around Shrek’s shoulders, much to his annoyance.
SHREK: Oh! (to Donkey) You! You’re comin’ with me.
Shrek brushes the cloak onto the floor, while the birds come back to place a wreath of flowers on Donkey’s head. They make their through the crowd.
DONKEY: All right, that’s what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!
DONKEY: (singing) «On the road again…», sing it with me, Shrek!
As they walk away from the crowd Shrek grabs the torch from a dwarf cheering them on, who refuses to let go. Shrek shakes the torch until the dwarf falls into a pond.
DONKEY: «I can’t wait to get on the road again.»
SHREK: What did I say about singing? (yanks the wreath off Donkey’s head)
DONKEY: Can I whistle?
SHREK: No.
DONKEY: Can I hum it?
SHREK: All right, hum it.
Donkey begins to hum ‘On the Road Again’. The pair walk off into the night with Shrek’s torch lighting the way.
DULOC — DUNGEON
A masked man is pouring a glass of milk. Another man is shown walking down the hallway towards a set of doors. As he is let into the room by two guards, we can see that the man is abnormally short. The masked man is dunking what looks to be a small person into the glass of milk.
FARQUAAD: (stepping forward) That’s enough. He’s ready to talk.
The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk by Thelonious and is slammed down onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad manically laughs as he walks over to the table. When he reaches the table we see that he is too short to see above it. He clears his throat and the table is lowered.
FARQUAAD: (he picks up the Gingy’s severed legs and plays with them) Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me. I’m the gingerbread man!
GINGY: You’re a monster!
FARQUAAD: I’m not the monster here, you are. (throws one leg at Gingy) You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world (crumbles his other leg into dust). Now, tell me! Where are the others?!
GINGY: Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad’s eye.)
FARQUAAD: I’ve tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I’ll…(he grabs one of Gingy’s gumdrop buttons)
GINGY: No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons!
FARQUAAD: All right then. Who’s hiding them?
GINGY: Okay, I’ll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?
FARQUAAD: The muffin man?
GINGERBREAD MAN: The muffin man.
FARQUAAD: Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?
GINGERBREAD MAN: Well, she’s married to the muffin man.
FARQUAAD: (Shocked) The muffin man?
GINGERBREAD MAN: The muffin man!
FARQUAAD: She’s married to the muffin man…
A door opens and the Captain of the Duloc Guards steps in.
CAPTAIN: My lord! We’ve found it.
FARQUAAD: Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in!
More guards enter carrying an object covered by a sheet. They mount it on the wall and the Captain removes the sheet. It is the Magic Mirror. Everyone stands in awe.
GINGERBREAD MAN: Ohhhh…
FARQUAAD: Magic mirror…
GINGERBREAD MAN: Don’t tell him anything! (Farquaad smacks him off the table and a trash can. ) No!
FARQUAAD: Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?
MIRROR: Well, technically you’re not a king.
FARQUAAD: Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a hand mirror and smashes it with his fist.) You were saying?
MIRROR: What I mean is you’re not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.
FARQUAAD: Go on.
MIRROR: (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it’s time for you to meet today’s eligible bachelorettes. And…here they are!
Bouncy gameshow music begins to play. Using himself as a screen, the Magic Mirror reveals three shadowy portraits of princesses. Farquaad seems confused but watches on silently.
MIRROR: Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime! Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome…Cinderella!
An image of Cinderella doing housework flips to a portrait of Cinderella in her ball gown putting on the glass slipper. Farquaad looks at her approvingly and the Captain claps.
MIRROR: Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she’s not easy.
An image of the Seven Dwarves flashes on the screen. The guards laugh at the Mirror’s joke.
MIRROR: Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is.! Come on, give it up for Snow White!
The mirror shows a portrait of Snow White in her slumber. Farquaad seems even more pleased, and everyone else claps this time.
MIRROR: And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava!
The mirror shows an image of a giant dragon besides a tower and then of a giant castle surrounded by lava. A bright fire shines on the screen and Farquaad covers his eyes. This doesn’t seem to deter his interest.
MIRROR: But don’t let that cool you off. She’s a loaded pistol who likes piña coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!
The mirror shows a portrait of Princess Fiona leaning on the window of her tower. Once again everyone else claps.
MIRROR: So, will it be: bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two, or bachelorette number three?
The mirrors flips through each princesses’ portrait. The guards shout out different numbers while Farquaad frantically tries to decide.
GUARDS: Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!
FARQUAAD: (To himself) Two? Three? One? Three?
THELONIUS: Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number three, my lord!
FARQUAAD: Okay, okay, uh… number three!
MIRROR: Lord Farquaad, you’ve chosen Princess Fiona.
Wild applause erupts from the guards. Farquaad is captivated by the portrait of Fiona.
FARQUAAD: Princess…Fiona…she’s perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go…
MIRROR: But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.
Farquaad doesn’t listen to the mirror at all, too busy formulating a plan.
FARQUAAD: I’ll do it.
MIRROR: Yes, but after sunset…
FARQUAAD: Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We’re going to have a tournament! (smiles evilly)
DULOC KINGDOM — EXTERIOR
Shrek and Donkey come out of the field just outside the Duloc parking lot.
DONKEY: But that’s it. That’s it right there. That’s Duloc. I told ya I’d find it.
The two gaze up at Duloc Castle, a building that towers over the rest of the kingdom.
SHREK: So, that must be Lord Farquaad’s castle.
DONKEY: Uh-huh. That’s the place.
SHREK: Do you think maybe he’s compensating for something?
Shrek laughs, but then groans as Donkey doesn’t get the joke. He continues walking through the parking lot.
DONKEY: Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.
MAN: Hurry, darling. We’re late. Hurry!
A man and woman run through the castle’s entrance. In front of the gate is a series of ropes hung in a maze for crowd control. A mascot wearing a giant head resembling Farquaad stands at the end of the line. Shrek and Donkey exchange looks.
SHREK: Hey, you!
The mascot screams at the sight of Shrek and begins running through the roped path to get to the front gate.
SHREK: Wait a second. Look, I’m not gonna eat you. I just— I just —
Shrek sighs in frustration and then begins pushing his way through the ropes. The mascot runs into a wall and knocks himself out. Shrek pushes through the entrance’s turnstile, but Donkey gets caught in it and lands on the ground with a thud. Donkey sheepishly smiles and Shrek sighs in annoyance.
DULOC — INTERIOR
Shrek and Donkey look around the square, which is deserted. The trees and grass are neatly cut and the rows of houses all looked exactly the same. Chirpy music quietly plays from a set of loudspeakers.
SHREK: It’s quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?
DONKEY: Hey, look at this!
Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box marked ‘Information’. The music winds up and then the box doors open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin to sing.
WOODEN PEOPLE: Welcome to Duloc such a perfect town / Here we have some rules let us lay them down / Don’t make waves, stay in line and we’ll get along fine / Duloc is perfect place / Please keep off of the grass / Shine your shoes, wipe your… face / Duloc is, Duloc is / Duloc is perfect place.
Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek’s picture, both of which are dumbfounded.
DONKEY: Wow! Let’s do that again!
Donkey makes ready to run over and pull the lever again but Shrek quickly grabs him by the tail.
SHREK: No. No. No, no, no!…No.
They hear a trumpet fanfare from afar and head over to investigate. A voice sounds from the distance.
FARQUAAD: Brave knights! You are the best and brightest in all the land, and today one of you shall prove himself better and brighter than all the rest.
As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena, Donkey hums the Duloc theme song.
SHREK: All right, you’re going the right way for a smacked bottom.
DONKEY: Sorry about that.
ARENA
In the center of a stadium-like arena, Duloc Knights are gathered as a large crowd of citizens watches on from the stands. Horses, kegs of beer, arrow targets, and other equipment are scattered about. Farquaad is atop a high up balcony, flanked by two guards, addressing the crowd. Shrek and Donkey step out onto the arena but don’t seem to be noticed.
FARQUAAD: That champion shall have the honor— no, no — the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place. And so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it’s a sacrifice I am willing to make.
The crowd cheers and applauds. Shrek looks around, noticing a man holding up a cue card up to the crowd that reads «APPLAUSE».
FARQUAAD: Let the tournament begin!
Shrek marches through the Duloc Knights, who back away in disgust upon noticing him.
FARQUAAD: Oh! What is that? It’s hideous!
The crowd gasps and goes quiet.
SHREK: Ah, that’s not very nice (Looks at Donkey and then back at Farquaad). It’s just a donkey
Donkey looks confused, the joke is once again lost on him.
FARQUAAD: Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have at him!
Farquaad points at Shrek. The Duloc Knights draw their weapons and slowly approach Shrek as he backs up, the crowd cheering them on.
CROWD: Get him!
SHREK: Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (He bumps into a table, noticing mugs of beer)
CROWD: Go ahead! Get him!
SHREK: (holds up a mug of beer) Can’t we just settle this over a pint?
CROWD: Kill the beast!
SHREK: No? All right then. (drinks the mug in one gulp) Come on!
Shrek takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out, knocking the knights down and wetting the ground into mud. Shrek slides past the knights and uses a spear like a hockey stick to knock one of his feet. Donkey hops up onto one of the larger beer barrels. It breaks free of its ropes and begins to roll. Donkey manages to squish two knights into the mud and rolls over another group of knights running after Shrek. Shrek hops over a set of ropes that appears to make up a wrestling ring. Shrek uses the ropes to launch himself at two knights, knocking them over with his arms. The crowd boos. Shrek jump kicks a knight, and then body slams another. A knight comes from behind Shrek with his spear ready to attack. The crowd gasps, but before he can make a move Shrek puts him in a full-nelson hold.
DONKEY: Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!
Shrek brings the knight over to Donkey, who leans on the ropes and headbutts the knight. Shrek gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd, who have now begun to cheer for Shrek and Donkey. Shrek stands on top of the ropes and beckons on the crowd’s cheers.
SHREK: Yeah!
A knight tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but he turns in time to sees him and jumps on him.
WOMAN: The chair! Give him the chair!
Shrek uses a folding chair to smack the knight lying on the ground. Shrek dispatches a few more knights with ease. Shrek picks up the last knight, spinning him over his head and then throwing him against the post of the wrestling ring. Donkey kicks his helmet, and the ding sounds the end of the match. Finally all the knights are down. The audience goes wild.
SHREK: Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I’m here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs)
Farquaad motions to the guards, who aim their crossbows at Shrek and Donkey. The crowd gasps and goes silent. Shrek stops laughing.
GUARD: Shall I give the order, sir?
FARQUAAD: No, I have a better idea. People of Duloc! I give you our champion!
The crowd cheers and a fanfare plays.
SHREK: What?
FARQUAAD: Congratulations, ogre. You’ve won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.
SHREK: Quest? I’m already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp back.
FARQUAAD: Your swamp?
SHREK: Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairy tale creatures!
FARQUAAD: Indeed. All right, ogre. I’ll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I’ll give you your swamp back.
SHREK: Exactly the way it was?
FARQUAAD: Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.
SHREK: And the squatters?
FARQUAAD: As good as gone.
Shrek glances at the soldiers still aiming their crossbows and then turns back to Farquaad
SHREK: What kind of quest?
DULOC — EXTERIOR
Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the fields heading away from Duloc. Shrek is munching on an onion.
DONKEY: Let me get this straight. You’re gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don’t have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right?
SHREK: You know, maybe there’s a good reason donkeys shouldn’t talk.
DONKEY: I don’t get it. Why don’t you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip.
SHREK: Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?
DONKEY: Uh, no, not really, no.
SHREK: For your information, there’s a lot more to ogres than people think.
DONKEY: Example?
SHREK: Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. (he holds out his onion)
DONKEY: (sniffs the onion) They stink?
SHREK: Yes — — No!
DONKEY: They make you cry?
SHREK: No!
DONKEY: Oh, you leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin’ little white hairs.
SHREK: No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. (he throws away the onion and walks off)
DONKEY: (trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.
SHREK: I don’t care… what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. (Walks passed Donkey)
DONKEY: You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, «Let’s get some parfait,» they say, «Hell no, I don’t like no parfait»? Parfaits are delicious.
SHREK: (Yelling) No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.
DONKEY: Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.
SHREK: You know, I think I preferred your humming.
DONKEY: Do you have a tissue or something? I’m making a mess. Just the word parfait makes me start slobbering.
They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek burns his foot trying to stomp out the campfire, so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out. They arrive at the outskirts of a giant volcano and begin to make their way up.
DONKEY: (sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that? You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything.
SHREK: Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you’d be dead. (sniffs) It’s brimstone. We must be getting close.
DONKEY: Yeah, right, brimstone. Don’t be talking about it’s the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn’t no brimstone. It didn’t come off no stone neither.
They reach the top of the climb and hoist themselves up and over the ridge.
DRAGON’S KEEP — EXTERIOR
Shrek and Donkey gaze out into the crater. The Dragon’s Keep towered before them, a dilapidated castle, burned and blackened. Perched on a rock pinnacle, it was surrounded by a terrifying lake of molten lava. A single light shines in the window of the tallest tower. Dark clouds block out the blue sky above them. Thunder strikes and crows circling the castle can be heard. Its all very ominous.
SHREK: Sure, it’s big enough, but look at the location. (laughs)
Shrek jumps over and approaches the bridge, with Donkey joining in behind him.
DONKEY: (chuckes along nervously) Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said that ogres have layers?
SHREK: Oh, aye.
DONKEY: Well, I have a bit of a confession to make (Gasps, seeing the skeleton of a horse). Donkeys don’t have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.
SHREK: Wait a second. Donkeys don’t have sleeves.
DONKEY: You know what I mean.
SHREK: Oh you can’t tell me you’re afraid of heights.
DONKEY: No, I’m just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!
SHREK: Come on, Donkey. I’m right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support. We’ll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. DONKEY: Really?
SHREK: Really, really.
DONKEY: Okay, that makes me feel so much better.
SHREK: Just keep moving. And don’t look down.
DONKEY: (Nervously to himself) Okay, don’t look down. Don’t look down. Don’t look down. Keep on moving. Don’t look down.
Donkey steps through a rotting board, which falls down into the fiery lava below
DONKEY: Shrek! I’m lookin’ down! Oh, God, I can’t do this! Just let me off, please!
SHREK: But you’re already halfway.
DONKEY: But I know that half is safe!
SHREK: Okay, fine. I don’t have time for this. You go back.
Shrek tries to press on while Donkey tries to make his way back under Shrek.
DONKEY: Shrek, no! Wait!
SHREK: Just, Donkey — — Let’s have a dance then, shall me? (bounces and sways the bridge)
DONKEY: Don’t do that!
SHREK: Oh, I’m sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces the bridge again)
DONKEY: Yes, that!
SHREK: Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across the bridge)
DONKEY: No, Shrek! No! Stop it!
SHREK: You said do it! I’m doin’ it.
DONKEY: I’m gonna die. I’m gonna die. Shrek, I’m gonna die. (steps onto solid ground) Oh!
SHREK: That’ll do, Donkey. That’ll do. (walks towards the castle)
DONKEY: Cool. So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?
SHREK: Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. (chuckles)
DONKEY: I was talkin’ about the dragon, Shrek.
DRAGON’S KEEP — INTERIOR
The pair start making their way through the hallways of the dragon’s dark and spooky keep. Shrek is wary, while Donkey is downright terrified. Only an occasional torch lights the way. The passages are littered with bones, armor, and weapons, presumably belonging to the many unsuccessful knights who tried to rescue the princess.
DONKEY: You afraid?
SHREK: No. But…SHHHHHH. (Shushes Donkey)
DONKEY: Oh, good. Me neither. (Get spooked and gasps) ‘Cause there’s nothin’ wrong with bein’ afraid. Fear’s a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire. It sure doesn’t mean you’re a coward if you’re a little scared. I sure as heck ain’t no coward. I know that.
Donkey crashes into a pile of knight remains, knocking over a skeleton whose helmet lands on Donkey’s head. The skeleton head falls off and Donkey gasps.
SHREK: Donkey, two things, okay? Shut. Up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs (Grabs the helmet and puts it on).
DONKEY: Stairs? I thought we was lookin’ for the princess.
SHREK: (Picking up pieces of armor) The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.
DONKEY: What makes you think she’ll be there?
SHREK: I read it in a book once. (walks off)
DONKEY: Cool. You handle the dragon. I’ll handle the stairs. I’ll find those stairs. I’ll whip their butt too. Those stairs won’t know which way they’re goin’.
Shrek, now disguised as a knight in shining armor walks off further into the castle. Donkey wanders off in the opposite direction, still talking to himself, and pushes his way through a giant set of doors.
DONKEY: I’m gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don’t mess with me. I’m the stair master. I’ve mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I’d step all over it.
Behind a broken wall, a giant eye opens to see an unaware Donkey. Elsewhere, Shrek spots a light in the window of a tower.
SHREK: Oh! At least we know where the princess is, but where’s the…
DONKEY: Dragon! Ahhhhhh!
Donkey screams and takes off running, narrowly dodging the dragon’s fiery breath. The dragon chases after Donkey, stomping on the pile of knight remains in its way. Shrek turns around to see Donkey barreling towards him with the dragon close behind him.
SHREK: Donkey, look out!
Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon breathes another fireball. Donkey drops to the floor to avoid another fireball, which manages to singe the tuft of his tail. The dragon is just about to eat Donkey when Shrek grabs ahold of its tail.
SHREK: Got ya!
The dragon begins to swing its tail back and forth with Shrek still holding on, then launces him into the air. Shrek crashes through the roof of the tallest tower and into Fiona’s room. Fiona wakes up and looks at him lying on the floor unconscious. The dragon now focuses its attention on Donkey, breathing fire at him and forcing him onto a stone bridge. The dragon knocks down portions of the bridge until Donkey is left staying on a lone pillar.
DONKEY: No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon growls) Oh, what large teeth you have! (the dragon roars) I mean white, sparkling teeth!
The dragon pauses, looks at him inquisitively, and then smiles. Donkey might just flatter his way out of becoming dragon food.
DONKEY: I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, ’cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness?
The dragon appears to be flattered by Donkey’s compliments.
DONKEY: And you know what else? You know what else? You’re— You’re—
The dragon leans forward and gazes at Donkey, revealing its long eyelashes and lipsticked mouth. Suddenly it was all clear to Donkey.
DONKEY: —a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you’re a girl dragon. You’re just reeking of feminine beauty.
The dragon flutters her eyes at him.
DONKEY: What’s the matter with you? You got something in your eye?
Dragon blows a heart-shaped smoke ring at Donkey.
DONKEY: Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I’d really love to stay, but you know, I’m, uh…(coughs) I’m an asthmatic, and I don’t know if it’d work out if you’re gonna blow smoke rings and stuff. Shrek!
Dragon picks him up by the tail in her mouth and happily carries him off.
DONKEY: No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
FIONA’S TOWER — INTERIOR
Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor and brushes debris off himself. His back is to a Princess Fiona, laying upright on the bed near the window. Though a bit startled, she is ecstatic to see her knight-in-shining armor. She straightens her dress, lays back down, and then quickly reaches over for bouquet of flowers off the side table. She lays back down and pretends to be asleep, clutching the bouquet to her breast. Shrek turns, takes note of the princess and walks across the room over to her. He bends down over Fiona and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders and forcefully shakes her.
FIONA: Wha…Wha…
SHREK: Wake up!
FIONA: What?!
SHREK: Are you Princess Fiona?
FIONA: I am… (smiling) awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.
SHREK: Ah, that’s nice. Now let’s go!
Shrek turns to leave and Fiona quickly sits upright.
FIONA: But wait, Sir Knight! This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?
She tosses the bouquet and lays back down, swooning.
SHREK: Yeah, sorry, lady. There’s no time.
Shrek walks back, yanks Fiona’s arm. and hauls her out of bed and towards the door.
FIONA: Hey, wait. What are you doing? You know, you should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.
Shrek yanks on the door handle only for it to snap off.
SHREK: You’ve had a lot of time to plan this, haven’t you?
FIONA: Mm-hmm.
Fiona screams as Shrek suddenly smashes the door down with his shoulder, still holding onto her arm. He rushes down the tower’s staircase with Fiona in tow and grabs a torch.
FIONA: But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me.
DRAGON’S KEEP — INTERIOR
Shrek and Fiona cross the bridge connecting the tallest tower to the rest of the castle.
FIONA: A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!
Fiona pulls her arm from Shrek’s grip. They stop for a moment as Shrek figures out which direction to go.
SHREK: I don’t think so.
FIONA: Well, can I at least know the name of my champion?
SHREK: Uh, Shrek.
FIONA: Sir Shrek.
She smiles, clears her throat, and holds out a handkerchief.
FIONA: I pray that you take this favour as a token of my gratitude.
SHREK: Thanks!
Shrek regards the handkerchief curiously and wipes off his sooty face with it, blackening it. He hands it back to an appalled Fiona, but before she can react, they are startled by the dragon’s roar and she drops it to the floor.
FIONA: You didn’t slay the dragon?!
SHREK: It’s on my to-do list, now come on!
Shrek grabs Fiona once again and takes off running towards the direction of the dragon’s roar.
FIONA: But this isn’t right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That’s what all the other knights did!
SHREK: Yeah, right before they burst into flames!
He gestures at the skeleton of a knight laying against the wall, a charred outline of a man burned into the stone behind it.
FIONA: That’s not the point! Ugh!
Fiona pulls her arm free from Shrek and stops running. Shrek pauses to look around and heads for a set of wooden doors.
FIONA: Wait—where are you going? The exit’s over there!
She points her arm to her left and Shrek turns around.
SHREK: Well, I have to save my ass.
FIONA: Ugh. What kind of knight are you?
SHREK: One of a kind.
THRONE ROOM
Shrek quietly pushes open the doors, stepping out onto a balcony of large spacious room. In the center of the room, Dragon has Donkey wrapped up on her tail. Dragon sits on a floor littered with a horde of gold coins and jewels.
DONKEY: Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. Look I believe it’s healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just, just call me old-fashioned. I don’t want to rush into a… a physical relationship. I’m not…not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this, uh — — «magnitude» really is the word I’m looking for. Magnitude.
Dragon gently caresses Donkey with a single claw.
DONKEY: Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing?
Dragon looks up at the chandelier hanging above them and gently lights its candles with her fire breath.
DONKEY: Okay, okay. Let’s just back up a little and take this one step at a time. I mean we really should get to know each other first, you know, as friends or maybe even pen pals. Y’know cause I’m on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards to read —
Shrek jumps off the balcony, grabbing a chain connected to the chandelier. The chain does not hang low enough for him to be able to grab Donkey and he swings over Dragon. The chain swings back and he is left dangling above her.
DONKEY: Oh y’know I’d, I’d really love to stay, but — (Dragon tugs at Donkey’s tail with her mouth)
DONKEY: Hey. hey don’t do that! That’s my tail! That’s my personal tail. You’re gonna tear it off. I don’t give permission to— hey! What are you gonna do with that?
Dragon purses her lips and gets ready to kiss Donkey. Shrek looks up and spots that the chain is jammed above him. He starts shaking it to try and relapse it from the pulley. Suddenly the pulley comes loose and Shrek starts falling.
DONKEY: Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!
Shrek lands on Donkey and bumps him out of Dragon’s grasp just as she is about to kiss him, and she instead kisses Shrek’s butt. She opens her eyes and roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto her head, which acts as a collar around her neck. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey take off running. They dodge a blast of fire from Dragon. Shrek grabs Donkey in one arm and then grabs Princess Fiona, who has wandered into the room, with the other arm as he runs past her.
DONKEY: Hi, Princess!
FIONA: It talks!
SHREK: Yeah, it’s getting him to shut up that’s the trick.
They all gasp as Shrek suddenly stops, having reached the end of the balcony Shrek spots a fallen column that has formed a sort of slide. He jumps on it just as Dragon tries to bite them and slides down it. Unfortunately there is a crack in the stone and it hits Shrek right in the groin. His eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide, he groans and stumbles off. Dragon chases after them, the chain of the chandelier still unraveling. They are chased by Dragon through a large hall, her chain looping itself around multiple stone pillars as Shrek zigzags around them. Dragon ends up in front of them and breathes fire. Shrek dodges the fire and runs away, leaping over several rows of chains. He comes to a halt.
SHREK: Okay, you two, head for the exit! (setting down Donkey and Fiona) I’ll take care of the dragon.
Shrek grabs a sword lodged in the floor and sticks it through a link in the chain and deep into the floor. Shrek catches up with Donkey and Fiona, who are waiting near the exit.
SHREK: Run!
They sprint as fast as they can out of the castle and onto the rickety bridge as Dragon breathes a huge fireball behind them. As they reach the middle of the bridge the fire burns the bridge and it snaps in half. They hang onto the bridge as they are swung to the other side. Donkey, unable to grab on, falls off but Shrek catches him by the tail. Fiona screams in terror as Dragon flies over the boiling lava to get them. Suddenly the chandelier jerks Dragon back, the sword having lodged itself into a stone column and getting the chain stuck. The group quickly climbs up to safety. Dragon lets out a defeated cry, then gives a sad whimper.
VOLCANO — EXTERIOR
The first to climb out, Fiona gracefully slides down to the bottom of the volcano hill.
FIONA: You did it! You rescued me! You’re amazing.
Behind her Donkey tumbles his way down the hill.
FIONA: You’re — you’re wonderful. You’re…
She turns to see Shrek slide down the hill and crash into Donkey.
FIONA: A little unorthodox I’ll admit. But…thy deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.
DONKEY: Ahem…
FIONA: And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?
She reaches down, squeezing Donkey’s face.
DONKEY: I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She thinks I’m a steed.
Donkey blushes, causing Fiona to chuckle and Shrek to roll his eyes.
FIONA: The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.
Donkey gasps and makes eye contact with Shrek.
SHREK: Uh, no.
FIONA: Why not?
SHREK: I…I have helmet hair.
FIONA: Please. I would’st look upon the face of my rescuer.
SHREK: Oh, no, you wouldn’t — st.
FIONA: But, how will you kiss me?
SHREK: What?
Shrek backs away and bumps into a tree stump.
SHREK: (to Donkey) That wasn’t in the job description.
DONKEY: Maybe it’s a perk! (Suggestively raises his eyebrows)
FIONA: No, it’s destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes: A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love’s first kiss.
They both give Fiona a wide-eyed look.
DONKEY: Hmm? With Shrek? You think —who, whoa, wait a sec. You think that Shrek is your true love?
FIONA: Well…yes.
Fiona sheepishly smiles at Shrek. Donkey and Shrek turn to each other and burst out laughing.
DONKEY: You think Shrek is your true love!
FIONA: (Annoyed) What is so funny?
SHREK: Let’s just say I’m not your type, okay?
FIONA: Of course, you are. You’re my rescuer. Now — now remove your helmet.
SHREK: Look. I really don’t think this is a good idea.
FIONA: Just take off the helmet.
SHREK: I’m not going to.
FIONA: Take it off.
SHREK: No!
FIONA: NOW!
SHREK: Okay! Easy! As you command,,,your Highness.
Shrek takes off his helmet and reveals his ogre self. Fiona looks at him blankly, confused but not frightened. Shrek awkwardly grins.
FIONA: You’re…an ogre.
SHREK: Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming?
FIONA: Well —yes, actually! Oh, no. This is all wrong. You’re not supposed to be an ogre! (walks off)
SHREK: Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He’s the one who wants to marry you.
The mention of this Lord Farquaad prompts Fiona to turn around in surprise.
FIONA: Well then why didn’t he come rescue me?
SHREK: Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.
Shrek turns and removes what little armor is still left attached to him.
FIONA: But I have to be rescued by my true love! Not by some ogre and hi…hi…his pet.
DONKEY: Well, so much for noble steed.
SHREK: Look princess you’re not making my job any easier.
FIONA: I’m sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I’ll be waiting for him right here.
Fiona sits down determinedly on a nearby rock.
SHREK: Hey! I’m no one’s messenger boy, all right? (Advancing toward her) I’m a delivery boy.
FIONA: You wouldn’t dare.
Shrek picks Fiona up and slings her over his shoulder like a bag of potatoes.
FIONA: Agghh! Put me down! Aggghh!
SHREK: You comin’, Donkey?
DONKEY: Oh, yep! I’m right behind ya.
Fiona is now kicking and screaming.
FIONA: Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!
Fiona smacks Shrek on the back of the head and screams in frustration.
WOODS
Hours have passed and Fiona has calmed down. She hangs limply while Shrek carries her and Donkey walks behind them.
DONKEY: Okay, so here’s another question. Say there’s a woman that digs you, right, but you don’t really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren’t hurt, but you don’t get burned to a crisp and eaten? How do you do that?
FIONA: You just tell her she’s not your true love. Everyone knows what happens when you find your…
Shrek cuts her off with a deliberate, bouncing readjustment.
FIONA: Hey! The sooner we get to Duloc the better.
DONKEY: Oh you’re gonna love it there, Princess. It’s beautiful!
FIONA: And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What’s he like?
SHREK: Let me put it this way, princess.
Shrek dumps Fiona to the ground unceremoniously and heads to a nearby pond to wash up.
SHREK: Men of Farquaad’s stature are in…short supply.
He chuckles and Donkey joins in.
DONKEY: I dunno, Shrek. There are those who think…little of him.
They laugh even harder.
FIONA: Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You’re just jealous that you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.
SHREK: Yeah, well, maybe you’re right, princess. But I’ll let you do the…measuring…when you see him tomorrow.
FIONA: Tomorrow?
Panic-stricken, Fiona looks back fearfully at the setting sun.
FIONA: It’ll take that long? Shouldn’t we stop to make camp?
SHREK: No, that’ll take longer. We can keep going.
FIONA: But there’s….robbers in the woods.
DONKEY: Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is definitely starting to sound good.
SHREK: Hey, come on. I’m scarier than anything we’re going to see in this forest.
Fiona jumps in front of Shrek, blocking him.
FIONA: I need to find somewhere to camp-now!
Both Donkey and Shrek’s ears lower, taken aback by her outburst.
CLIFFSIDE
A few minutes later, Shrek is rolling a large boulder away from the mouth of a cave.
SHREK: Hey! Over here!
DONKEY: Shrek, we can do better than that. I don’t think this is fit for a princess.
Fiona turns her attention away from the setting sun.
FIONA: No, no, it’s perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.
SHREK: Homey touches? Like what?
He hears a huge ripping sound and looks over at Fiona, who has torn the bark off of a tree with her bare hands.
FIONA: A door. Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.
She enters the cave and puts the bark door up behind her.
DONKEY: You want me to read you a bedtime story? Cause I will.
FIONA: I said good night!
Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and then reaches to move the boulder back in front of the entrance.
DONKEY: Shrek, what are you doing?!
SHREK: (laughs) I just—you know — — Oh, come on. I was just kidding.
CLIFFSIDE — NIGHT
Later that night Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire. They gaze up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star constellations to Donkey.
SHREK: And, uh, that one, that’s Throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields.
DONKEY: Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?
SHREK: The stars don’t tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there’s Bloodnut the Flatulent. You can guess what he’s famous for. (chuckles)
DONKEY: Alright now I know you’re making this up.
SHREK: No, look.
Shrek traces the constellation with his finger.
SHREK: There he is, and there’s the group of hunters running away from his stench.
DONKEY: Man that ain’t nothin’ but a bunch of little dots.
SHREK: You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm?
Shrek glances over to see if Donkey understands him, but is met with a blank look.
SHREK: Forget it.
DONKEY: Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?
SHREK: Our swamp?
DONKEY: You know, when we’re through rescuing the princess and all that stuff.
SHREK: We? Donkey, there’s no we. There’s no our. There’s just me and my swamp. And the first thing I’m gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land.
He turns his back to Donkey
DONKEY: You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now.
Donkey walks over to face Shrek.
DONKEY: You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.
SHREK: No, do ya think?
Shrek turns away again.
DONKEY: Are you hidin’ something?
SHREK: Never mind, Donkey.
He lies on his back. Donkey leans over him.
DONKEY: Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn’t it?
SHREK: No, this is one of those «drop it and leave it alone» things!
DONKEY: Why don’t you want to talk about it?
SHREK: Why do you want to talk about it? (turns)
DONKEY: Why are you blocking?
SHREK: I’m not blocking! (turns)
DONKEY: Oh, yes, you are.
SHREK: Donkey, I’m warning you…
DONKEY: Who you trying to keep out?
Shrek gets on his feet and faces Donkey.
SHREK: Everyone! Okay?!
DONKEY: Oh, now we’re gettin’ somewhere.
Unsee by either of them, Fiona was peeking around the cave door, eavesdropping on the conversation.
SHREK: Oh! For the love of Pete!
Shrek walks over to the edge of the cliff and sits down.
DONKEY: Hey what’s your problem Shrek? What you got against the whole world anyway, huh?
SHREK: Look, I’m not the one with the problem, okay? It’s the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go «Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!» They judge me before they even know me. That’s why I’m better off alone.
Hidden in the shadows of the cave, Fiona’s eyes were sympathetic. She closes the door. Donkey stares silently at Shrek for a moment and then sits down beside him.
DONKEY: You know what? When we met, I didn’t think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre.
SHREK: Yeah, I know.
DONKEY: So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?
SHREK: Well, there’s, um, Gabby…the Small…and Annoying.
DONKEY: Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?
SHREK: That’s the moon.
DONKEY: Oh, okay.
DULOC — FARQUAAD’S BEDROOM
Farquaad’s room is is filled with items prepared for his wedding, including crowns and wedding outfits for him and Fiona. Mama Bear is now a taxidermized rug. Soft music plays in the background. Farquaad lays in bed with the Magic Mirror set up at the foot of the bed.
FARQUAAD: Again, show me again.
We hear the sound of tape rewinding.
FIONA: Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.
MIRROR: Hmph.
The Mirror reluctantly rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning, displaying the image of Fiona waiting in her tower.
FARQUAAD: Ah…perfect.
Farquaad looks down and pulls the sheet up to cover himself as the covers rise.
CLIFFSIDE — MORNING
Fiona walks out of the cave and glances at Shrek and Donkey who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods, marveling at the nature, and begins to sing. A bluebird flies over to join in her song. She hits higher and higher notes and the bird struggles to keep up with her. Fiona hits a high, horrible note that causes the bird to explode. Fiona looks guilty, but she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. A little later, Fiona is now frying the eggs over the campfire using a rock skillet. Shrek wakes up, smells the foods, and takes note of Fiona. Donkey is talking to himself in his sleep.
DONKEY: Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. Come on, baby. I said I like it…
SHREK: Donkey, wake up. (shakes him)
DONKEY: Huh? What?
SHREK: Wake up.
DONKEY: What? (stretches and yawns)
FIONA: Good morning. Uhmm… how do you like your eggs?
DONKEY: Oh, good morning, Princess!
SHREK: What’s all this about?
FIONA: You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday and I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.
Fiona gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them.
SHREK: Uh, thanks.
Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips.
FIONA: Well, eat up. We’ve got a big day ahead of us.
Fiona walks off, seemingly in a better mood than yesterday.
SHERWOOD FOREST
The three continue their journey back to Duloc though the woods. Shrek lets out a loud belch.
DONKEY: Shrek!
SHREK: What? It’s a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. (laughs)
DONKEY: Well, it’s no way to behave in front of a princess!
Fiona belches, stopping Shrek and Donkey in their tracks.
FIONA: Thanks.
DONKEY: She’s as nasty as you are.
SHREK: (chuckles) You know, you’re not exactly what I expected.
FIONA: Well, maybe you shouldn’t judge people before you get to know them.
She smiles and then continues walking, singing softly. Suddenly from out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Fiona away.
UNKNOWN: La liberte! Hey!
SHREK: Princess!
The princess and the unknown man land on a limb high above in the trees It is none other than Monsieur Hood, also known as Robin Hood. Fiona breaks away from Hood, who has his hand around her waist.
FIONA: Oh! Wait wait—what are you doing?!
MONSIEUR HOOD: Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green…
Hood brings Fiona’s hand to his chest, and then carpets Fiona’s arms with kisses as she pulls back in disgust.
MONSIEUR HOOD: …beast.
His smile is only met with annoyance, which confuses him.
SHREK: Hey! That’s my princess! Go find you own!
MONSIEUR HOOD: Please, monster! Can’t you see I’m a little busy here?
Fiona gives Hood a one-handed push and jams her finger into his chest.
FIONA: Look, pal, I don’t know who you think you are!
MONSIEUR HOOD: Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduce myself.
He cups his hands and calls into the woods.
MONSIEUR HOOD: Oh, Merry Men! (laughs)
Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merrymen pop out from the bushes. They begin to sing along with Monsieur Hood.
MERRYMEN: Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.
MONSIEUR HOOD: I steal from the rich and give to the needy.
MERRYMAN: He takes a wee percentage,
MONSIEUR HOOD: But I’m not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels, man, I’m good.
MERRYMEN: What a guy, Monsieur Hood.
MONSIEUR HOOD: Break it down. I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid…
MERRYMEN: What he’s basically saying is he likes to get…
MONSIEUR HOOD: Paid! So…When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush. That’s bad.
MERRYMEN: That’s bad. That’s bad. That’s bad!
MONSIEUR HOOD: When a beauty’s with a beast it makes me awfully mad!
MERRYMEN: He’s mad, he’s really, really mad!
Fiona, still up in the tree, looks down. Her expression changes from confusion to horror as Monsieur Hood sings the last line:
MONSIEUR HOOD: I’ll take my blade and ram it through your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys ’cause I’m about to start…
Fiona swings down from the tree limb and kicks Monsieur Hood in the head, knocking him unconscious. She lands with a back flip in front of Shrek and Donkey.
FIONA: Man, that was annoying!
Shrek looks at her in admiration.
MERRYMAN: Why, you little—
The Merry Man shoots an arrow at Fiona but she ducks out of the way. The arrow flies past her and towards Donkey, who jumps into Shrek’s arms to get out of the way. Fiona demonstrates her martial arts skills and easily defeats up every last Merryman. The Merrymen are left on lying on the ground and Fiona walks away. Fiona looks a little embarrassed as she smoothes out her dress and regains her composure.
FIONA: Uh, shall we?
SHREK: Hold the phone.
Taken aback, Shrek drops Donkey and begins walking after Fiona.
SHREK: Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?
FIONA: What?
SHREK: That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?
Fiona just blushes.
FIONA: Well…(laughs) when one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there’s a…there’s an arrow in your butt!
Fiona points downwards at a small arrow jutting out of Shrek’s behind.
SHREK: What? Oh, would you look at that?
FIONA: Oh, no. This is all my fault. I’m so sorry.
Shrek lightly tugs at the arrow but stops, wincing in pain. Donkey catches up to them.
DONKEY: Why? What’s wrong?
FIONA: Shrek’s hurt.
DONKEY: Shrek’s hurt! Shrek’s hurt?!
Donkey, frantic, begins to scamper around hysterically.
DONKEY: Oh, no, Shrek’s gonna die!
SHREK: Donkey, I’m okay.
DONKEY: You can’t do this to me, Shrek. I’m too young for you to die! Keep your legs elevated! Turn your head and cough! Does anyone know the Heimlich?!
Fiona grabs Donkey’s head and pulls it down to her.
FIONA: Donkey! Calm down! If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.
DONKEY: Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I’m on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don’t die Shrek.
Donkey begins to head in a random direction into the forest.
DONKEY: And if you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!
SHREK & FIONA: Donkey!
DONKEY: Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns…
Donkey marches off, still chanting, until he is out of earshot.
SHREK: What are the flowers for?
FIONA: For getting rid of Donkey.
SHREK: Ah…
Shrek’s confused look turns into a big grin.
FIONA: Now you hold still, and I’ll yank this thing out.
Fiona grabs hold of the arrow and begins to pull. Shrek yelps and jumps away.
SHREK: Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin’!
FIONA: I’m sorry, but it has to come out.
SHREK: No, it’s tender.
As they continue to talk Fiona keeps grabbing after the arrow as Shrek dodges her attempts.
FIONA: Now, hold on.
SHREK: What you’re doing is the opposite of help.
FIONA: Don’t move.
SHREK: Look, time out.
Shrek puts his entire hand over Fiona’s face, stopping her in her tracks.
FIONA: Would you…
She takes Shrek’s hand off her face.
FIONA: Okay. What do you propose we do?
SHERWOOD FOREST — ELSEWHERE
Deeper in the woods, Donkey is hurriedly searching for the flower.
DONKEY: Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn’t color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.
Suddenly he hears a far out yell from Shrek.
SHREK: Owww!
DONKEY: Hold on, Shrek! I’m comin’!
Donkey rips a flower off a nearby bush, which happens to be a blue flower with red thorns, and takes off running.
SHERWOOD FOREST — CLEARING
Back in the clearing, Shrek is laying on the ground facedown, while Fiona stands over him, using both hands to try to remove the arrow.
SHREK: Ow! Not good.
FIONA: Okay. N—Okay. I can nearly see it…It’s just about…
SHREK: Ow! Ohh!
He rolls over, knocking Fiona off her feet and causing her to land on top of him. For a moment they stare into each other’s eyes.
DONKEY: Ahem.
They are both startled by Donkey’s interruption. Donkey, with the flower dropped at his feet, gives them a suggestive look.
SHREK: Nothing happened.
Shrek pushes Fiona off him and rolls over to face Donkey.
SHREK: We were just, uh…
DONKEY: Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask, okay?
SHREK Oh, come on! That’s the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just—
Fiona quickly rips the arrow out of Shrek’s butt with one great pull.
SHREK: Uggghhh!
He turns to look at Fiona, who playfully shakes the arrow back and forth with a coy smile.
SHREK: Ow!
DONKEY: Hey, what’s that? (chuckling) That’s…is that blood?
Donkey faints and falls into a pile of leaves. Shrek picks him up and throws him over his shoulder, and the three continue on their journey. There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to Duloc.
The group comes to a river with no path across, though it is clearly shallow enough to walk over. Shrek climbs to the top of a tree, using his weight to cause the tree to bend over the river and form a bridge. Fiona crosses first and lays a hand on Shrek’s back when she gets to the other side. Shrek grins and gets up while Donkey is still crossing, launching him back to the other side. In a field, Shrek swats away at a swarm of flies following him. Fiona grabs a nearby spiderweb from a tree branch and runs through the field, swinging it around to catch the bugs. She spins the branch to form a sort of cotton candy, and hands it to Shrek as a treat. As he walks off biting it, she licks her fingers. Shrek catches a frog and blows it up like a balloon to give to Fiona. Fiona catches a snake, blows into its mouth, fashions it into a balloon animal and presents it to Shrek. Fiona starts a playful shoving match with Shrek, with Shrek ultimately flinging her into the bushes. She throws a twig at him as they both laugh, letting go of their balloons. Donkey jumps after them.
WINDMILL — EXTERIOR
After breaking out of the forest, the group arrives onto a small rise where an old, ruined windmill stands. The fields of Duloc stretch out before before, and further in the distance stands the Duloc Castle.
SHREK: There it is, princess. Your future awaits you.
FIONA: That’s Duloc?
Fiona stands with her arm on Shrek’s, but Donkey butts in-between them. They both shrug at each other.
DONKEY: Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad’s compensating for something, which I think means he has a really…
Shrek interrupts Donkey by stepping on his foot, causing him to fall to the ground in pain. Fiona gives Shrek a suspicious look.
DONKEY: Oww!
SHREK: Um, I, uh— I guess we better move on.
FIONA: Sure. But, Shrek? I’m— I’m worried about Donkey.
SHREK: What?
FIONA: I mean, look at him. He, he doesn’t look so good.
Nothing seems to be wrong with Donkey. Shrek smiles knowingly at Fiona.
DONKEY: What are you talking about? I’m fine.
Fiona kneels down and takes Donkey’s head in her arms.
FIONA: Well that’s what they always say and then…then…then the next thing you know, you’re on your back. Dead.
SHREK: You know, she’s right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?
FIONA: Uh, you know, I’ll make you some tea.
DONKEY: I didn’t want to say nothin’, but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look.
Donkey sharply leans his head to the side, letting off a loud crack.
DONKEY: Ow! See?
Shrek and Fiona give each happy looks, having made up an excuse to stall for time.
SHREK: Who’s hungry? I’ll find us some dinner.
FIONA: I’ll get the firewood.
Shrek and Fiona both walk off in separate direction
DONKEY: Hey, where you goin’? Oh, man, I can’t feel my toes! (looks down and yelps) I don’t have any toes! I think I need a hug.
WINDMILL — EXTERIOR — EVENING
Shrek has built a fire and is cooking something on a spit while Fiona eats.
FIONA: Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?
SHREK: Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style.
FIONA: No kidding. Well, this is delicious.
SHREK: Well, they’re also great in stews. Now, I don’t mean to brag, but I make a mean weed rat stew.
Fiona smiles, but it quickly fades as she looks off at Duloc in the distance.
FIONA: I guess I’ll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.
SHREK: Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I’ll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare — you name it.
Fiona is now intently looking at Shrek, smiling.
FIONA: Hmmm, I’d like that.
They gaze into each other’s eyes longingly.
SHREK: Um…princess?
FIONA: Yes…Shrek?
SHREK: I, um, I was wondering…are you…(sighs) Are you gonna eat that?
Shrek points to her last piece of food. Fiona, expecting a different question, removes the weedrat while Shrek is annoyed by the words that couldn’t come out. Fiona hands it to Shrek and he grabs onto her hand. The two slowly lean towards each other. Donkey interrupts the moment.
DONKEY: Man, isn’t this romantic? Just look at that sunset.
Shrek and Fiona are both startled out of their moment. Fiona’s mood changes and she sits up to abruptly face the sunset.
FIONA: Sunset?! Oh, no! I mean, it’s late. I-It’s very late.
She begins backing up toward the windmill.
SHREK: What?
DONKEY: Wait a minute. I see what’s goin’ on here.
Fiona looks at Donkey and freezes with panic.
DONKEY: You’re afraid of the dark, aren’t you?
FIONA: Yes! Yes, that’s it. I’m terrified. You know, I’d better go inside.
She smiles as she turns around to walk up the windmill’s steps. She breathes a sigh of relief.
DONKEY: Don’t feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until — Hey, no, wait. I’m still afraid of the dark.
Shrek groans and Fiona chuckles.
FIONA: Good night.
SHREK: Good night.
Fiona goes inside the windmill, gives Shrek a look, and closes the door. Donkey looks at Shrek with a new eye.
DONKEY: Ohh! Now I really see what’s goin’ on here.
SHREK: Oh, what are you talkin’ about?’
Donkey trots over to Shrek as he kneels by the fire and fiddles with one of the spits.
DONKEY: I don’t even wanna hear it. Look, I’m an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin’ on each other. I could feel it.
SHREK: You’re crazy. I’m just bringing her back to Farquaad.
DONKEY: Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.
SHREK: I—there’s nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know— and I’m not sayin’ I do, ’cause I don’t — she’s a princess, and I’m…
DONKEY: An ogre?
SHREK: Yeah. An ogre.
Shrek tosses the spit aside and trudges away,
DONKEY: Hey, where you goin’?
SHREK: To get…more firewood.
Donkey looks suspiciously over at the large pile of firewood already piled up. Shrek sits on the hill and gazes out at Duloc until nightfall.
WINDMILL — EXTERIOR — NIGHT
Donkey opens the door to the windmill and steps in. The abandoned windmill is filed with shadows and cobwebs. All is quiet and Fiona is nowhere to be seen.
DONKEY: Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?
A group of birds flocks out the top of the roof, startling Donkey. He continues on.
DONKEY: Princess?
A hand grips the rungs of a ladder.
DONKEY: It’s very spooky in here. I ain’t playing no games.
Fiona looks at Donkey, cloaked in shadows, from up above on a platform. She tries to sneak away, but a wood plank breaks and she falls down with a crash. She screams and lands on a sack of flour, launching a cloud of flour into the air. Donkey is frozen with fear, unable to tell who the figure is.
DONKEY: Aah!
FIONA: No, no!
DONKEY: No, help!
FIONA: Shh!
An ogress emerges from the cloud of flour, approaching Donkey.
DONKEY: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
FIONA: No, it’s okay! It’s okay!
DONKEY: What did you do with the princess?!
FIONA: Donkey, shh! I’m the princess.
DONKEY: Aah!
FIONA: It’s me, in this body.
DONKEY: Oh, my God! You ate the princess. (to her stomach) Can you hear me?
FIONA: Donkey!
DONKEY: (still aimed at her stomach) Listen, keep breathing! I’ll get you out of there!
FIONA: No!
DONKEY: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
FIONA: (Covering Donkey’s mouth) Shh.
DONKEY: (Muffled) Shrek!
FIONA: This is me.
Donkey looks into her eyes as she pets his muzzle, and he calms down.
DONKEY: Princess…? What happened to you? You’re, uh…uh…eh…different.
FIONA: I’m ugly, okay?
DONKEY: Well, yeah! Well was it something you ate? ‘Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now—
FIONA: No! I — I’ve been this way as long as I can remember.
DONKEY: What do you mean? Look, I ain’t never seen you like this before.
FIONA: It only happens when sun goes down.
Fiona leans over a barrel filled with water, looking at her reflection.
FIONA: «By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm… until you find true love’s first kiss… and then take love’s true form.»
DONKEY: Aww, that’s beautiful. I didn’t know you wrote poetry.
FIONA: It’s a spell. (sigh) When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast!
Fiona smacks her reflection in the water, which splashes water onto Donkey.
FIONA: I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That’s why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me…like this.
She holds her head and begins to cry.
DONKEY: All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it’s not that bad. You’re not that ugly. Well, ok, I ain’t gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek’s ugly 24/7.
FIONA: But Donkey, I’m a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.
DONKEY: Princess, how ’bout if you don’t marry Farquaad?
FIONA: I have to. Only my true love’s kiss can break the spell.
DONKEY: But, you know, um…you’re kind of an ogre. And Shrek…well…you got a lot in common.
FIONA: Shrek?
WINDMILL EXTERIOR
Shrek is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in his hand, talking to himself.
SHREK: Princess, I— Uh, how’s it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I’m okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it’s pretty and— well, I don’t really like it but I thought you might like it ’cause you’re pretty. But I like you anyway. I’d— uh, uh…(sighs) I’m in trouble. Okay, here we go.
He walks up to the door and pauses outside when he hears Donkey and Fiona talking.
FIONA: I can’t just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? «Princess» and «ugly» don’t go together. That’s why I can’t stay here with Shrek.
Shrek steps back in shock, misunderstanding the conversation’s meaning.
FIONA: My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love. Don’t you see, Donkey? That’s just how it has to be.
Shrek heaves a deep sigh. He throws the flower down and walks away.
WINDMILL INTERIOR
FIONA: It’s the only way to break the spell.
DONKEY: Well you at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.
Donkey walks over to the door.
FIONA: No! You can’t breathe a word. No one must ever know.
DONKEY: What’s the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?
FIONA: Promise you won’t tell. Promise!
DONKEY: All right, all right. I won’t tell him. But you should.
Donkey steps outside and talks to himself
DONKEY: I just know before this is over, I’m gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin’.
Fiona opens the door and watches him walk away. She looks down and spots the sunflower left by the door. She picks it up and looks around, then heads back inside and closes the door. Donkey falls asleep by the fire outside.
WINDMILL INTERIOR — MORNING
Donkey is asleep. Fiona is still awake, plucking at petals from the sunflower.
FIONA: I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not…
Fiona picks the last petal off the sunflower, smiling.
FIONA: I tell him! Shrek!
She opens the door and steps outside.
FIONA: Shrek! There’s something I want…
Fiona looks around for Shrek only to see Donkey sleeping. She sees the rising sun, and as the sun crests the sky, she turns back into a human. She looks up again to see Shrek stomping towards her. She hurries over to him.
FIONA: Shrek! Are you all right?
She puts her hand on his arm, but he nudges it away and walks past her.
SHREK: Perfect! Never been better.
FIONA: I…I don’t…there’s something I have to tell you.
SHREK: You don’t have to tell me anything, princess. I heard enough last night.
FIONA: You heard what I said?
SHREK: Every word.
Shrek sits down on the steps of the windmill and faces Fiona.
FIONA: I thought you’d understand.
SHREK: Oh, I understand. Like you said, «Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?»
FIONA: But I thought that wouldn’t matter to you.
SHREK: Yeah? Well, it does.
Fiona looks at him in shock, tears welling in her eyes. Shrek looks past her and spots a group approaching.
SHREK: Ah, right on time. Princess, I’ve brought you a little something.
Shrek gestures towards the group and Fiona stands with her mouth wide. Farquaad arrives on horseback, appearing taller than usual, along with an escort of guards. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the guards march by.
DONKEY: What’d I miss? What’d I miss?
One of the guards looms over him and he begins to scurry away, muttering to himself.
DONKEY: Who said that? Couldn’t have been the donkey.
Farquaad stops his horse in front of Fiona.
FARQUAAD: Princess Fiona.
SHREK: As promised. Now hand it over.
FARQUAAD: Very well, ogre. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed. Take it and go before I change my mind.
Shrek snatches the deed out of the hands of a guard and walks away. Fiona is put off by this exchange. She reverts her attention back to the long-awaited Lord Farquaad.
FARQUAAD: Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me—for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I am Lord Farquaad.
FIONA: Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short…
Farquaad snaps his finger and is lifted off his horse by his guards. Left behind on the horse is a large set of gauntlets and a pair of leg extenders that reached down to the stirrups, which made him look so tall on the saddle. and set down in front of her. Standing at the height of four and a half feet, he is much shorter than Fiona. Her look turns from nervousness to bemusement, and she awkwardly smiles.
FIONA: …farewell.
FARQUAAD: Oh, that is so sweet. You don’t have to waste good manners on the ogre. It’s not like it has feelings.
FIONA: No, you’re right. It doesn’t.
Shrek, still standing nearby with his back turned, is hurt by the comment. Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face.
FARQUAAD: Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.
Farquaad gets down on one knee and takes Fiona’s hand, pulling her down sharply.
FARQUAAD: Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?
Fiona makes eye contact with Shrek before he turns away. Her sad look turns to bitterness.
FIONA: Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make—
FARQUAAD: Excellent! I’ll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!
FIONA: No!
Shrek spins back around with a hopeful look on his face while Fiona tries to regain her composure.
FIONA: I mean—ah, why wait? Let’s get married today. Before sunset.
Shrek scowls and turns away.
FARQUAAD: Oh, anxious, are we? You’re right. The sooner, the better. There’s so much to do!
Farquaad snaps his fingers and is lifted onto his horse by his guard. The guard offers Fiona assistance, but she looks up onto the saddle on her own.
FARQUAAD: There’s the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!
Fiona, Farquaad, and his guards set off towards Duloc. Fiona gives Shrek one last spiteful look.
FIONA: Fare thee well, ogre.
Donkey catches up to Shrek as he his walking away.
DONKEY: Shrek, what are you doing? You’re letting her get away!
SHREK: Yeah? So what?
DONKEY: Shrek there’s something about her you don’t know. Look, I— I talked to her last night… She’s —
SHREK: Yeah I know you talked to her last night. You’re great pals, aren’t ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don’t you follow her home?!
DONKEY: But Shrek, I— I wanna go with you.
SHREK: Hey I told you, didn’t I? You’re not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!
DONKEY: But, I thought…
SHREK: Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong! (stomps off)
DONKEY: Shrek.
Montage of different scenes. Shrek arrives back home. The swamp is a mess but the fairytale creatures are gone. Fiona is being fitted for her wedding dress. Shrek throws a sunflower into the fireplace. Farquaad proudly tries on his crown. Fiona stares at her wedding cake, pushing down a figure of Farquaad to show his actual height. She notices a suit of armor that reminds her of Shrek. Donkey stops by a river where he finds Dragon crying, both of them happy to see each other. Shrek and Fiona both try to eat dinner but start crying.
SHREK’S HOME
Shrek is sitting at the dinner table when he hears a sound outside. He goes outside to investigate, and sees Donkey assembling a line of branches and small rocks.
SHREK: Donkey? What are you doing?
DONKEY: I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.
SHREK: Well, yeah. But the wall’s supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.
DONKEY: It is, around your half. See that’s your half, and this is my half.
SHREK: Oh! Your half? Hmm.
DONKEY: Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.
Shrek starts pulling down the wall and picks up a large branch. Donkey butts his head against it and the two struggle over it.
SHREK: Back off!
DONKEY: No, you back off.
SHREK: This is my swamp!
DONKEY: Our swamp!
SHREK: Let go, Donkey!
DONKEY: You let go!
SHREK: Stubborn jackass!
DONKEY: Smelly ogre.
SHREK: Fine!
Shrek suddenly lets go of the branch, tripping Donkey over, and he walks away.
DONKEY: Hey, hey, come back here. I’m not through with you yet.
SHREK: Well, I’m through with you!
Donkey starts following him.
DONKEY: Uh-uh! You know, with you it’s always «me, me, me!» Well, guess what! Now it’s my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention!
Just as Shrek nears the door to his home, Donkey jumps in front of him. Shrek walks in another direction.
DONKEY: You are mean to me! You insult me and you don’t appreciate anything that I do! You’re always pushing me around or pushing me away.
SHREK: Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?
DONKEY: Because that’s what friends do! They forgive each other!
SHREK: Oh, yeah. You’re right, Donkey. I forgive you…for stabbing me in the back!
Shrek enters the outhouse and slams the door behind him.
DONKEY: Uhhhh! You’re so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you’re afraid of your own feelings.
SHREK: Go away!
DONKEY: See! There you are, doing it again just like you did to Fiona. And all she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.
SHREK: Love me? She said I was ugly! A hideous creature! I heard the two of you talking.
DONKEY: She wasn’t talkin’ about you. She was talkin’ about…uh…somebody else.
After a brief silence, Shrek comes up of the outhouse.
SHREK: She wasn’t talking about me? Well then who was she talking about?
Donkey turns his back to Shrek.
DONKEY: Uh-uh, no way. I ain’t saying anything. You don’t wanna listen to me. Right? Right?
SHREK: Donkey!
DONKEY: No!
SHREK: Okay, look. I’m sorry, all right?
Donkey turns his head back to raise his eyebrow, and then looks away again. Shrek sighs.
SHREK: I’m sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid…ugly ogre. Can you forgive me?
DONKEY: Hey, that’s what friends are for, right?
SHREK: Right. Friends?
DONKEY: Friends.
Shrek and Donkey shake on it.
SHREK: So, um, what did Fiona say about me?
DONKEY: What are you asking me for? Why don’t you just go ask her?
SHREK: The wedding! We’ll never make it in time.
DONKEY: Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there’s a will, there’s a way and I have a way.
Donkey whistles loudly, and Shrek looks up to see Dragon flying overhead.
SHREK: Donkey?!
DONKEY: I guess it’s just my animal magnetism.
SHREK: (laughs) Aw, come here, you.
Shrek scratches Donkey on the head.
DONKEY: All right, all right. Don’t get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven’t had a chance to install the seat belts yet.
Shrek climbs up the chain still slung around Dragon’s neck. Dragon lifts Donkey up with her hand. They take off, soaring through the clouds and to Duloc.
DULOC CATHEDRAL — INTERIOR
The church is packed with citizens. Fiona and Farquaad are standing at the altar as the priest conducts the ceremony. Thelonius stands nearby, golding a pillow on which rests the two wedding rings. Men with prompter cards hold up cards that says ‘Revered Silence’.
BISHOP: People of Duloc, we gather here today to bear witness to the union….
Fiona glances nervously at the window, noticing the sun slowly dropping toward the horizon.
FIONA: Um-
BISHOP: …of our new king…
FIONA: Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the «I do’s»?
Farquaad chuckles then motions to the bishop to indulge Fiona.
FARQUAAD: Go on.
DULOC CATHEDRAL — EXTERIOR
A large group of guards stand outside the cathedral on watch. Suddenly Dragon lands nearby and the guards flee in terror. Dragon looks back at Donkey after him and Shrek climb off of her back.
DONKEY: Go ahead, have some fun. If we need you, I’ll whistle. How about that?
Dragon smiles, and nods, and takes off towards the town streets. Shrek runs for the cathedral doors but Donkey hurries to get in his way.
DONKEY: Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don’t you?
SHREK: What are you talking about?
DONKEY: There’s a line, there’s a line you gotta wait for. The priest is gonna say, «Speak now or forever hold your peace.» And that’s when you say, «I object!»
SHREK: Oh, I don’t have time for this!
DONKEY: Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me!
Shrek pushes past him but Donkey pins him against the door.
DONKEY: Look, you love this woman, don’t you?
SHREK: Yes.
DONKEY: You wanna hold her?
SHREK: Yes.
DONKEY: Please her?
SHREK: Yes!
DONKEY: (singing) «Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness». (talking) The chicks love that romantic crap!
SHREK: All right! Cut it out! When does this guy say the line?
DONKEY: We gotta check it out.
INTERIOR
As the bishop talks we see Donkey through one of the windows as Shrek tosses him up so he can see.
BISHOP: And so, by the power vested in me…
EXTERIOR
SHREK: What do you see?!
DONKEY: The whole town’s in there.
BISHOP: I now pronounce you husband and wife…
DONKEY: They’re at the altar!
PRIEST: …king and queen.
DONKEY: Mother Fletcher! He already said it.
SHREK: Oh, for the love of Pete!
Shrek runs inside without catching Donkey, who hits the ground hard.
INTERIOR
Fiona and Farquaad are leaning in to kiss, but are interrupted when Shrek bursts through the doors. They both turn to see him running down the aisle.
SHREK: I object!
FIONA: Shrek?
Fiona initially looks happily surprised to see him, but quickly becomes upset. The bishop gasps, shuts his book, and quietly slinks off.
FARQUAAD: Oh, now what does he want?
The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek walk ahead towards the altar. They respond positively to him and begin to do «the wave».
SHREK: Hi, everyone. Havin’ a good time, are ya? I love Duloc, first of all. Very clean.
FIONA: What are you doing here?
FARQUAAD: Really, it’s rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding…
Shrek initially seems taken aback by Lord Farquaad’s harsh comment, but he quickly brushes it off and turns his attention towards Fiona.
SHREK: Fiona! I need to talk to you.
FIONA: Oh, now you wanna talk? It’s a little late for that, so if you’ll excuse me—
She leans over to kiss Farquaad but Shrek pulls her away by the hand.
SHREK: But you can’t marry him!
She frees her hand from his grip.
FIONA: And why not?
SHREK: Because—because he’s just marrying you so he can be king!
The crowd gasps.
FARQUAAD: Outrageous! Fiona, don’t listen to him—
SHREK: He’s not your true love.
FIONA: And what do you know about true love?!
SHREK: Well, I—uh—I mean…
Fiona is taken aback by this.
FARQUAAD: Oh, this is precious. (laughs) The ogre has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. (laughs)
Farquaad gestures to the man with the prompter card holds up a card that says ‘Laugh’. The whole congregation laughs.
FARQUAAD: An ogre and a princess! (laughs)
Shrek looks back at the laughing crowd and then down at the floor, dejected.
FIONA: Shrek, is this true?
Just as Shrek opens his mouth to speak—
FARQUAAD: Who cares?! It’s preposterous! Fiona, my love, we’re but a kiss away from our «happily ever after.» Now kiss me!
Farquaad holds Fiona’s hand, puckers his lips, and leans toward her. She looks down at him with disgust, and then averts her attention to the window. The sun is just about to set.
FIONA: «By night one way, by day another.» I wanted to show you before.
Fiona backs up and gives Shrek a sheepish smile. As the sun sets, she changes into her ogre self. The crowd gasps and one person faints. Shrek stares at Fiona in astonishment, and then grins.
SHREK: Well, uh, that explains a lot!
Fiona locks eyes with Shrek and smiles.
FARQUAAD: Ugh! It’s disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now!
A large amount of guards run in and grab ahold of Shrek and Fiona.
FARQUAAD: Get them! Get them both!
FIONA: No, no! Shrek!
Shrek and Fiona try to grab each other’s arms but are pulled away from each other. Farquaad grabs ahold of his crown and puts it on.
FARQUAAD: This hocus-pocus alters nothing! This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See?! See?!
FIONA: No, let go of me! Shrek!
SHREK: No!
FARQUAAD: Don’t just stand there, you morons!
SHREK: Get out of my way! Fiona!
FARQUAAD: Kill him if you have to—but get him!
Shrek angrily fights back and knocks out a few of the guards, but they are able to subdue him through sheer numbers.
FARQUAAD: Beast, I’ll make you regret the day we met! I’ll see you drawn and quartered! You’ll beg for death to save you!
FIONA: No, Shrek!
FARQUAAD: And as for you, my wife!
Farquaad pulls out a dagger and holds it to Fiona’s throat.
SHREK: Fiona!
FARQUAAD: I’ll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I’m king!
Shrek manages to pulls his arm free and he whistles loudly.
FARQUAAD: I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have—
Suddenly Dragon, with Donkey atop her head, crashes through a large window behind him. Farquaad drops his weapon and looks up.
FARQUAAD: Arrrggghhh!
Dragon swoops down and swallows him up in one gulp. The guards either run away or step back.
DONKEY: All right! Nobody move! I got a dragon here, and I’m not afraid to use it.
Dragon roars, causing most of the guards to away in fear. The remaining guards let go of Shrek and Fiona, backing away.
DONKEY: I’m a donkey on the edge!
Dragon belches and Farquaad’s crown flies out of her mouth and falls to the ground.
DONKEY: Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?
The congregation laughs and cheers.
DONKEY: Go ahead, Shrek.
SHREK: Uh, Fiona?
FIONA: Yes, Shrek?
SHREK: I — I love you.
FIONA: Really?
SHREK: Really, really.
FIONA: I love you too.
Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of the cards and writes ‘Awwww’ on the back and shows it to the congregation. Suddenly the magic of the spell pulls Fiona away. She’s lifted up into the air and she hovers while the magic works around her. Fiona’s voice is heard although she isn’t moving her lips.
VOICE: «Until you find true love’s first kiss and then take love’s true form. Take love’s true form. Take love’s true form.»
Suddenly Fiona’s eyes open wide and light up. The force of the spell blows against the crowd and all the windows. All except for one with an image of Farquaad on it, which Dragon breaks with her fist. Fiona is lowered to the ground and Shrek runs up to her.
SHREK: Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?
Fiona slowly stands up, still an ogress.
FIONA: Well, yes…but I don’t understand. I’m supposed to be beautiful.
SHREK: But you are beautiful.
They smile at each other.
DONKEY: I was hoping this would be a happy ending.
Shrek and Fiona kiss and the kiss fades into…
THE SWAMP
…their wedding kiss. Shrek and Fiona are now joined in matrimony in Shrek’s swamp. Among the attendees are the fairytale creatures once banished to the swamp, as well as a few Duloc Guards. Shrek and Fiona walk down the aisle to their awaiting carriage, which is made of a giant onion. Fiona tosses her bouquet which both Cinderella and Snow White try to catch. They end get into a cat fight and Dragon catches the bouquet instead. Donkey looks nervous, but Shrek and Fiona give him reassuring looks. The Gingerbread Man has been mended somewhat and now has one leg and walks with a candy cane cane.
GINGERBREAD MAN: God bless us, every one.
The guests party and dance as Donkey takes over singing the song. Shrek and Fiona ride away in their carriage. Cut to a storybook that reads «And they lived ugly ever after…THE END».
DONKEY: (as he’s done singing and we fade to black) Oh, that’s funny. Oh. Oh. I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe.
THE END
Шрэк
/
Shrek
(2001-05-16) — субтитры фильма
Сюжет фильма
Жил да был в сказочном государстве большой зеленый великан по имени Шрэк. Жил он в гордом одиночестве в лесу, на болоте, которое считал своим. Но однажды злобный коротышка — лорд Фаркуад, правитель волшебного королевства, безжалостно согнал на Шрэково болото всех сказочных обитателей. И беспечной жизни зеленого тролля пришел конец. Но лорд Фаркуад пообещал вернуть Шреку болото, если великан добудет ему прекрасную принцессу Фиону , которая томится в неприступной башне, охраняемой огнедышащим драконом…
Последние изученные слова (всего 126 для этого фильма)
- groan — 8 октября, 2020
- abuse — 8 октября, 2020
- eligible — 8 октября, 2020
- sigh — 8 октября, 2020
- creak — 8 октября, 2020
- chuckle — 8 октября, 2020
- whirlwind — 8 октября, 2020
- scream — 5 октября, 2020
- whimper — 5 октября, 2020
- clatter — 16 сентября, 2020
- turnstile — 16 сентября, 2020
- stubborn — 16 сентября, 2020
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00:00:16
[ Man ] «Once upon a time
there was a lovely princess.
[Мужчина] «Давным-давно
жила-была прекрасная принцесса.
«But she had an enchantment
upon her of a fearful sort…
«Но она была заколдована
силами зла…
«which could only be broken
by love’s first kiss.
«и только первый поцелуй мог
спасти ее от этих чар.
«She was locked away
in a castle…
«Она была заперта в замке…
«guarded by a terrible
fire-breathing dragon.
«который охранял злой
огнедышащий дракон.
00:00:36
«Many brave knights had attempted
to free her from this dreadful prison,
«Многие отважные рыцари пытались
освободить ее из ужасной темницы,
«but none prevailed.
«но их попытки были тщетными.
«She waited in
the dragon’s keep…
«Так она и ждала, заточенная…
«in the highest room
of the tallest tower…
«в верхней комнате самой
высокой башни…
for her true love
and true love’s first kiss. «
своей первой настоящей любви
и страстного поцелуя».
00:00:53
[ Laughing ]
Like that’s ever gonna happen.
[ Раздается смех ]
Сказки, да и только.
— [ Paper Rustling, Toilet Flushes ]
— What a load of—
— [ Шелест бумаги,
звук смываемой воды ]
— Что за ерунда…
Somebody once told me
the world is gonna roll me
Робин-Бобин кое-как
I ain’t the sharpest tool
in the shed
Подкрепился натощак
She was lookin’ kind of dumb
with her finger and her thumb
Съел теленка утром рано
00:01:14
In the shape of an «L»
on her forehead
Двух овечек и барана
The years start comin’
and they don’t stop comin’
Съел корову целиком
Fed to the rules
and I hit the ground runnin’
И прилавок с мясником
Didn’t make sense
not to live for fun
Сотню жаворонков в тесте
Your brain gets smart
but your head gets dumb
И коня с телегой вместе
00:01:28
So much to do
So much to see
Кто поверит, что вчера
So what’s wrong with
takin’ the backstreets
Съел он целого тунца
You’ll never know
if you don’t go
Пять церквей
You’ll never shine
if you don’t glow
И колоколен —
Hey, now
You’re an all-star
Да еще и недоволен!
00:01:40
Get your game on, go play
Робин-Бобин
Hey, now, you’re a rock star
Get the show on, get paid
Наш крепыш
And all that
glitters is gold
Знает толк в еде малыш
Only shootin’ stars
break the mold
Съел теленка утром рано
It’s a cool place
and they say it gets colder
Двух овечек и барана
00:01:58
You’re bundled up now
but wait till you get older
Съел корову целиком
But the meteor men
beg to differ
И прилавок с мясником
Judging by the hole
in the satellite picture
Сотню жаворонков в тесте
The ice we skate
is gettin’ pretty thin
И коня с телегой вместе
The water’s getting warm
so you might as well swim
Пять церквей
00:02:09
My world’s on fire
How ’bout yours
И колоколен
That’s the way I like it
and I’ll never get bored
Да еще и недоволен
— Hey, now, you’re an all-star
— [ Shouting ]
— Робин-Бобин хоть куда
— [ Кричит ]
Get your game on, go play
Молодчина, вот тебе на
Hey, now, you’re a rock star
Get the show on, get paid
Робин-Бобин
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1
Once upon a time
in a kingdom far, far away,
the king and queen were blessed
with a beautiful baby girl.
And throughout the land,
everyone was happy…
until the sun went down
and they saw that their daughter was
cursed with a frightful enchantment
that took hold each and every night.
Desperate, they sought the help
of a fairy godmother
who had them lock the young princess
away in a tower,
there to await the kiss…
of the handsome Prince Charming.
It was he who would chance
the perilous journey
through blistering cold
and scorching desert
traveling for many days and nights,
risking life and limb
to reach the Dragon’s keep.
For he was the bravest,
and most handsome…
in all the land.
And it was destiny that his kiss
would break the dreaded curse.
He alone would climb to the highest room
of the tallest tower
to enter the princess’s chambers,
cross the room to her sleeping silhouette,
pull back the gossamer curtains
to find her…
What?
— Princess… Fiona?
— No!
Oh, thank heavens.
Where is she?
— She’s on her honeymoon.
— Honeymoon? With whom?
— She’s on her honeymoon.
— Honeymoon? With whom?
So she said
what’s the problem, baby?
What’s the problem?
I don’t know
Well, maybe I’m in love
Think about it
every time I think ’bout it
Can’t stop thinking ’bout it
How much longer
will it take to cure this?
Just to cure it,
’cause I can’t ignore it
If it’s love, love
Makes me wanna turn around
and face me
But I don’t know nothing
’bout love
Oh, come on, come on
— Turn a little faster
Come on, come on
The world will follow after
Come on, come on
Everybody’s after love
So I said
I’m a snowball running
Running down into this spring
that’s coming all this love
Melting under blue skies
belting out sunlight
Shimmering love
Well, baby, I surrender
To the strawberry ice cream
Never ever end of all this love
Well, I didn’t mean to do it
But there’s no escaping your love
These lines of lightning
mean we’re never alone
Never alone, no, no
Come on, come on
Jump a little higher
Come on, come on
If you feel a little lighter
Come on, come on
We were once upon a time in love
Hyah!
We’re accidentally in love
Accidentally in love
Accidentally in love
Accidentally in love
Accidentally in love
Accidentally in love
Accidentally in love
Accidentally
I’m in love, I’m in love,
I’m in love, I’m in love
I’m in love, I’m in love
Accidentally in love
I’m in love
I’m in love
lt’s so good to be home!
Just you and me and…
— Two can be as bad as one…
— Donkey?
Shrek! Fiona! Aren’t you two
a sight for sore eyes!
Give us a hug, Shrek,
you old love machine.
And look at you, Mrs. Shrek.
How ’bout a side of sugar for the steed?
Donkey, what are you doing here?
Taking care of your love nest for you.
Oh, you mean like… sorting the mail
and watering the plants?
— Yeah, and feeding the fish!
— l don’t have any fish.
You do now. l call that one Shrek
and the other Fiona.
That Shrek is a rascally devil.
Get your…
Look at the time.
l guess you’d better be going.
Don’t you want to tell me about your trip?
Or how about a game of Parcheesi?
Actually, Donkey? Shouldn’t you be
getting home to Dragon?
Oh, yeah, that.
l don’t know.
She’s been all moody and stuff lately.
l thought l’d move in with you.
You know we’re always happy
to see you, Donkey.
But Fiona and l are married now.
We need a little time, you know,
to be together.
Just with each other.
Alone.
Say no more.
You don’t have to worry about a thing.
l will always be here to make sure
nobody bothers you.
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{Вздох}
-I’m in trouble. .
This is the transcript for Shrek the Third.
INT. MEDIEVAL TIMES THEATER — NIGHT
[A familiar beam of light shines down. The beam of light descends onto a stage. Lightning flashes to reveal Prince Charming riding his valiant steed Chauncey across the open plains. The wind blows back his golden mane.]
Prince Charming: Onward, Chauncey! To the highest room of the tallest tower. Where my princess awaits rescue from her handsome Prince Charming.
Lightning cracks. Thunder booms. Charming straddles a
wooden hobby horse and gallops in place. A stage hand uses a
bellow to blow air into Prince Charming’s face. Another
stage hand turns a crank that creates the moving background.
In the orchestra, a man uses coconuts to create the sound
effects of a galloping horse. Two more stage hands back
stage create the cheap sound effects of thunder and
lightning. A crudely constructed castle tower sits in front
of a cheaply painted backdrop.
The Fairytale Creatures are sitting at a table in the
audience.
Gingy: This is worse than Love Letters. I hate dinner theatre.
PINOCCHIO
Me too.
Pinocchio’s nose grows as he is caught in the lie.
Prince Charming rides to the base of the tower.
PRINCE CHARMING
Whoa there, Chauncey.
He dismounts and sets his hobby horse on the ground. He
strikes a dramatic pose.
A Princess leans from a tower window.
ACTRESS
Hark! The brave Prince Charming
approacheth.
Prince Charming puffs his chest out.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 2.
PRINCE CHARMING
Fear not fair maiden. I shall slay
the monster that guards you and
take my place as rightful King.
An old couple at a table look confused.
OLD LADY
(to old man)
What did she say?
Prince Charming glares as the bored audience largely ignores
him.
A man in a bad ogre costume that resembles Shrek comes onto the stage.
OGRE
Grrrrrrr.
The crowd erupts into applause. The Fairytale Creatures
cheer.
FAIRYTALE CREATURES
(CHEERING)
Woooo hoooo!
GINGERBREAD MAN
Yeah, Shrek!
At first, Prince Charming is put off by the cheers for the
Shrek-like beast. He pulls his sword and confronts the
monster.
PRINCE CHARMING
Prepare foul beast to enter into a
world of pain with which you are
not familiar.
He is cut off as a waiter enters with a birthday cake.
WAITER
(SINGING)
Happy Birthday to thee.
PRINCE CHARMING
Do you mind?
Prince Charming hops out of the way when a chair lands on
stage. It slides past him and bumps into the tower facade.
GINGERBREAD MAN
Do you mind? Boring!
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 3.
The audience laughs. Prince Charming glares at them and then
tries to recover. He points his sword at the monster again.
The tower facade starts to topple.
PRINCE CHARMING
(CLEARS THROAT)
Prepare foul beast-
Prince Charming looks over his shoulder and sees the facade
falling. He cringes.
The scenery slams against the stage, but Prince Charming is
unharmed, perfectly framed in the princesses’ window. The
crowd laughs at the embarrassed Prince Charming. He shakes
his mangled sword at the audience.
PRINCE CHARMING
(shaking his sword again)
Someday you’ll be sorry.
HECKLER
(O.S.)
We already are!
They laugh again. Prince Charming throws down his sword,
picks up his hobby horse and exits.
OGRE
Grrrrrrr.
The song and the laughter follow Prince Charming backstage.
INT. BACKSTAGE DRESSING ROOM — MOMENTS LATER
Prince Charming walks through a tunnel backstage that leads
to a door. The door has a star with his name written on it.
He opens it.
EXT. MEDIEVAL TIMES RESTAURANT — CONTINUOUS
Prince Charming sits at his broken vanity and sobs. His make-
shift dressing room is in an alley way next to the theater.
Horses whinny as a carriage passes by. The castle of Far Far
Away can be seen on the hill in the background. Prince
Charming breaks down and cries.
He looks up and sees a picture of the Fairy Godmother taped
to the vanity. «Don’t stop believing! Mommy’s Little Angel»
is written on the picture.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 4.
PRINCE CHARMING (CRIES LIKE A BABY)
Oh mommy.
He weeps again and then looks back at the picture. A
determined change grows across his face.
PRINCE CHARMING
Oh, you’re right. I can’t let this
happen. I can’t.
Prince Charming looks at the castle on the hill. His
expression hardens. He stands and faces the castle. He
holds his chin up high.
PRINCE CHARMING
I am the rightful King of Far Far
Away and I promise you this mother.
I will restore dignity to my
throne.
A big gust of wind blows a newspaper page across his face.
He peels it off and looks at the headline. His eyes tense
and narrow.
PRINCE CHARMING (CONT’D)
And this time, no one will stand in
my way.
In the newspaper is a picture of Shrek and Fiona waving to a
crowd.
Prince Charming crumples up the newspaper in his fists.
EXT. CASTLE — MORNING
The camera booms down from the Far Far Away sign. The sun
rises and the birds sing.
INT. SHREK AND FIONA’S BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS
The sun shines through the bedroom window as the camera pans
over to Shrek and Fiona waking up.
SHREK
Good morning.
FIONA
Good morning.
(DREAMY)
Oh… morning breath…
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 5.
Shrek breathes in and smiles.
SHREK
(DREAMY)
I know. Isn’t it wonderful?
The bedroom doors fly open and Donkey and the Dronkeys rush
in. The Dronkeys head right for Shrek and Fiona. Shrek
cowers beneath the bedclothes.
DONKEY
(SINGING) “ Red and yellow and blue. A square and circle too. A star and heart and triangle are what’s we’ll learn today. ,
Shrek sinks further into the blankets as the Dronkeys
exuberantly lick him. Fiona is amused.
Donkey starts to sing the opening jingle from the V-Smile Baby game “ Baby Einstein .
DONKEY
(SINGING)
«Joining in and around the world.”
(coming closer and closer)
(TO FIONA)
«What new things are around in us.»
(TO SHREK)
«Open your eyes and look around.»
(TO DRONKEY)
”So many things that we have found.”
The Dronkeys fly out of the room, knocking down everything in
their path.
DONKEY
Oh, they grow up so fast.
[Shrek, greatly annoyed, lifts his hand and snuffs out a little fire on the bed left behind by the Dronkeys.]
SHREK
Not fast enough.
Puss leaps onto the bed.
PUSS
Okay. You have a very full day
filling in for the King and Queen.
There are several functions that
require your attendance, sir.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 6.
SHREK
Great. Let’s get started.
Shrek immediately pulls the covers up over his head and
starts to snore.
DONKEY
C’mon, lazy bones, time to get
movin’.
Donkey yanks the sheets off of Fiona and Shrek. He is
surprised to see Shrek’s bare legs.
DONKEY
Aaahhh! You know you really need
to get yourself a pair of jammies.
Shrek sighs.
CUT TO:
INT. KNIGHTING CEREMONY — DAY
The camera pans down from a stained glass window. The song
«La La La La, la la la la, Elmo’s World” plays in the background as the
title: «Shrek The Third» is superimposed.
A large crowd has gathered to watch the knighting. Shrek
walks down the aisle of the church.
Shrek walks up to the knight who seems a bit nervous.
Shrek takes a sword from Puss, but he doesn’t have any idea
what he is supposed to do with it. Shrek looks at Puss, who
indicates how to knight a person with his own sword. Shrek
starts to knight the knight.
SHREK
I knight thee…
Shrek accidentally stabs the knight.
SHREK
He-he. Ooh.
The crowd, Fiona, Puss and Donkey look on, shocked.
CUT TO:
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 7.
EXT. BOAT DOCKS — DAY
Shrek and Fiona officiate at a boat christening for the Royal
Navy.
Shrek is holding a bottle of champagne. He leans on the
boat, accidentally pushing it down the ramp. Shrek throws
the bottle at the boat and it punches an enormous hole in the
side of the hull. The boat quickly sinks.
Shrek turns to find the patrons of Far Far Away shaking their
heads as they leave.
CUT TO:
INT. DRESSING ROOM — DAY
Raul, the make-up specialist, tightens some aprons around
Shrek and Fiona. Donkey, Puss and Raul stand in front of
them.
DONKEY
Well, since you’re filling in for
one, you might as well look like a
real King. Can somebody come in
here and work on Shrek please?
Raul stares at Shrek. Shrek raises his eyebrow.
RAUL
(AHEM)
I will see what I can do.
He unrolls a satchel full of different gardening tools.
Suddenly Shrek’s arms and legs are strapped into a chair.
A man stands with his back to the camera and pulls on a rip
cord as if he’s holding a chain saw. VROOM! VROOM! He
turns around to reveal a circular sander and starts to grind
away at Shrek’s gruesome toenails. Shrek cringes.
We see a close-up of Shrek’s eye. A mascara brush comes into
frame and pulls at Shrek’s eyelash.
Fiona gets her nose hairs plucked.
FIONA
Ow!
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 8.
Lipstick is applied to some lips. The camera pulls back to
reveal that the lips are Shrek’s.
A hand tries to tighten a zipper on Shrek’s back. It keeps
snagging on the skin until they finally rip it past and
tighten up the zipper all the way.
A small sock is placed onto Shrek’s foot. With a shoe horn,
Shrek’s foot is shoved into a small shoe. POP!
A collar is placed around Fiona’s neck and her corset is
tightened.
A drill comes into frame and tightens the rivet on Shrek’s
belt. A mole is placed on his cheek.
INT. BACKSTAGE — LATER
REVEAL: Shrek and Fiona standing awkwardly in outrageous
Renaissance outfits.
Donkey gasps.
DONKEY
Oh.
Puss rolls his eyes.
PUSS
Yeah, wow.
Fiona is uncomfortable.
FIONA
Uh, is this really necessary?
RAUL
(TO SHREK)
Ho, ho. Quite necessary, Fiona.
SHREK
I’m Shrek, you twit.
RAUL
Whatever.
PUSS
Okay peoples. This isn’t a
rehearsal. Let’s see some hustle.
DONKEY
Smiles everyone, smiles.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 9.
Off-screen, the Master of Ceremonies announces the couples
arriving at the party.
Fiona turns to Shrek and sees he is not in a good mood.
SHREK
I don’t know how much longer I can
keep this up Fiona.
FIONA
I’m sorry Shrek, but can you please
just try to grin and bear it? It’s
just until Dad gets better.
Shrek lets out another frustrated sigh.
FIONA
Shrek?
SHREK
Yeah.
FIONA
You look handsome.
SHREK
Ah. Come here, you.
She gives him a nasty smile. He screams and smiles
back.
Fiona puckers up her lips and Shrek leans in for a kiss, but
their disgusting outfits prevent it.
Shrek and Fiona let out a huge breath of air.
SHREK
Oh, my butt is itching up a storm
and I can’t reach it in this monkey
suit.
Shrek tries to scratch his butt but to no avail.
SHREK
Oh.
(WHISTLE)
Hey you. Come here.
A man holding a ruby scepter walks over to Shrek.
SHREK
What’s your name?
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 10.
FIDDLESWORTH
Eh, Fiddlesworth, sir.
SHREK
Hoo hoo hooo. Perfect.
INT. BALLROOM — CONTINUOUS
The announcer introduces Shrek and Fiona.
MASTER OF CEREMONIES
Ladies and gentlemen, Princess
Fiona and Sir Shrek.
The audience claps. The curtain starts to open.
Fiddlesworth is scratching away at Shrek’s butt.
SHREK
You’ve done it. Oh, a little over
to the left, yeah. That’s great.
FIONA
Uh Shrek?
Fiddlesworth struggles to reach Shrek’s itch. The crowd
looks on in horror. Fiona tries to get his attention.
SHREK
Ahh. All right, you got it…Oh
yeah, you’re on it. Oh that’s it.
Oh that’s good.
FIONA
Shrek…
SHREK
Oh yeah. Scratch that thing. You
got it. You’re on it. That’s
great.
FIONA
Shrek.
Shrek and Fiddlesworth finally see the crowd. They both
freeze. Shrek laughs nervously.
Suddenly Shrek’s belt buckle snaps off and hits Donkey in the
eye. He stumbles through the crowd screaming.
DONKEY
Ow my eye. My eye.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 11.
As he is stumbling, he grabs hold of a lady in the crowd.
WOMAN
What are you doing?
The woman pushes Donkey away. He falls, knocking over a
guard holding an axe on his way down. The guard drops the
axe. It flies past Puss, who is in the arms of a lady. The
axe knocks over a vase. The vase flies up on stage and Fiona
maneuvers to catch it. In flight, water spills out of the
vase which causes Fiona to fall over.
Shrek’s tuxedo bib slaps him in the face. The clasp holding
Shrek’s pants up breaks off. Shrek stands on stage with his
pants around his ankles. He shuffles towards Fiona.
SHREK
Fiona.
He trips over his pants and hits a loose wooden plank on the
stage. The plank flings up and sends Fiddlesworth flying
through the air where his jacket slips over a banner pole,
trapping him.
FIDDLESWORTH
Uhhh…
(WIMPER)
Shrek has reached Fiona who is still lying on the floor.
SHREK
Are you okay?
FIONA
Yeah. I’m fine.
Fiona’s eyes suddenly widen.
Fiddlesworth’s jacket rips and he falls onto a waiter
carrying flaming skewers.
FIDDLESWORTH
Ahhhh.
The skewers fly through the air. Donkey stands up in frame
with one eye half shut. The flaming skewers shoot by him and
land in the curtains, setting them on fire. He blows one of
the skewers out and takes a bite.
DONKEY
Oh shrimp. My favorite.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 12.
The fire causes a Far Far Away shield to detach from a wooden
ceiling beam and fall onto the stage, breaking it in half.
The whole stage collapses in the middle. The buffet tables
slide toward Shrek and Fiona at the other end and collide.
CRASH! BANG!
CUT TO BLACK:
INT. SHREK AND FIONA’S BEDROOM — NIGHT
The door to Fiona’s room flies open.
SHREK
That’s it. We’re leaving.
Shrek storms in pulling bits of buffet food off his face.
FIONA
Honey, please calm down…
Shrek grabs the wig off of his head and throws it aside.
SHREK
Calm down? Who do you think we’re
kidding? I am an ogre. I’m not cut
out for this Fiona, and I never
will be.
Shrek wipes off his makeup with his shirt sleeve and flings
his shirt to the floor. He falls onto the bed next to
Donkey.
DONKEY
I think that went pretty well.
Shrek startles.
SHREK
Donkey.
Shrek picks him up and throws him out the door.
DONKEY
Aww, come on now Shrek.
Shrek slams the door shut.
Shrek turns back towards the bed and sees Puss reclining on
his pillow.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 13.
PUSS
Some people just don’t understand
boundaries.
Shrek picks Puss up by the scruff of his neck and tosses him
outside the window. He shuts it. Puss sits sadly on the
ledge, giving Shrek his sad-eyes routine. Shrek draws the
blinds.
Shrek stomps over and falls back onto the bed. Fiona tries
to calm him down.
FIONA
Just think… a couple more days,
and we’ll be back home in our
vermin-filled shack, strewn with
fungus, filled with the rotting
stench of mud and neglect.
This thought calms him. Shrek takes in a long, deep breath
and exhales. He smiles.
SHREK
Oh, you had me at «vermin-filled.»
FIONA
And, uh… maybe even the pitter-
patter of little feet on the
floor…?
SHREK
(LAUGHS)
That’s right. The swamp rats will
be spawning.
FIONA
Uh, no… you know, what I was
thinking of is a little bit bigger
than a swamp rat.
SHREK
Donkey?
FIONA
No, Shrek. Um… what if —
THEORETICALLY —
SHREK
Yeah?
FIONA
They were little ogre feet?
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 14.
SHREK
Oh.
(NERVOUS LAUGH)
Shocked, Shrek falls off the bed.
He slowly emerges from behind the bed.
SHREK
Honey? Let’s try and be rational
about this. Have you seen any poop
lately? They just poop and
they poop and then they poop when
they poop and they poop when they
Poop… Now, imagine even more poop.
They really poop and they really poop.
A baby poops in the bathtub.
FIONA
Shrek.
She grabs his hands and looks deeply into his eyes.
FIONA
Don’t you ever think about having a
family?
Shrek takes her hand.
SHREK
Right now, you’re my family.
There is a knock on the bedroom door. The door bursts open,
revealing a Royal Page.
Shrek springs up.
SHREK
Well, somebody better be dying.
CUT TO:
INT. KING’S ROOM — MOMENTS LATER
The camera pushes through a corridor that leads to the King’s
bedroom. The King is lying on his lily pad, coughing.
KING HAROLD
I’m dying.
The King inhales and launches into a violent coughing fit.
Shrek looks a bit guilty about his last admission. Queen Lillian
comes to the King’s aid and he settles down.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 15.
QUEEN LILLIAN
Harold.
KING HAROLD
Don’t forget to pay the gardener,
Lillian.
Queen Lillian is used to these kind of non-sequiturs.
QUEEN LILLIAN
Of course darling.
The King suppresses a few coughs. He turns to his daughter.
KING HAROLD
Fiona…
FIONA
Yes Daddy?
KING HAROLD
I know I’ve made many mistakes with
you.
FIONA
It’s okay.
KING HAROLD
But your love for Shrek has taught
me so much.
Fiona smiles. The King addresses Shrek.
KING HAROLD
My dear boy, I am proud to call you
my son.
SHREK
And I’m proud to call you my
Frog… King Dad in-law.
Shrek smiles.
KING HAROLD
Now, there is a matter of business
to attend tooo…
The King starts wheezing and coughing. Eventually he stops.
They think he’s dead. Puss solemnly removes his hat.
PUSS
The Frog King is dead.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 16.
Fiona starts eating cherries. The King suddenly wakes up, coughing.
DONKEY
(TO PUSS)
Put your hat back on, fool.
KING HAROLD
Shrek, please come hither.
Fiona gives Shrek a look. Shrek walks over to the King.
SHREK
Yeah, Dad?
KING HAROLD
This Kingdom needs a new king. You
and Fiona are next in line for the
throne.
SHREK
Oh! (Laughing) Next in line. Now you see
Dad, that’s why people love you.
Even on your deathbed you’re still
making jokes. (Chuckles)
The King stares at Shrek, stone-faced. Shrek leans in
closer.
SHREK
Oh, come on Dad… an Ogre as King?
I don’t think that’s such a good
idea. I mean, there’s got to be somebody
else. Anybody!
KING HAROLD
Aside from you there is only one
remaining heir.
Shrek brightens.
SHREK
Really? Who is he, Dad?
KING HAROLD
His name is… is… is…
SHREK
What’s his name? What’s his name?!
KING HAROLD
…is …
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 17.
Shrek leans in closer after each «is,» waiting in
anticipation. The King starts to hyperventilate.
FIONA
Daddy!
The King is dead. A fly comes out of his mouth and flies
away.
Puss starts to take his hat off. The fly buzzes into frame.
A tongue catches it. Puss puts his hat back on.
KING HAROLD
(chewing the fly)
His name is Arthur.
SHREK
Arthur?
KING HAROLD
(COUGH)
I know you’ll do what’s…
(EXHALING)
riiiight…
He succumbs. The King really is dead now.
QUEEN LILLIAN
Harold?
SHREK
Dad? Dad! Dad?
Donkey bows his head.
DONKEY
Do your thing, man.
Puss takes his hat off.
Fiona starts to eat chips and hits Shrek. The weight of the King’s
request hits Shrek. He is in a state of shock.
We hold a moment on Queen Lillian, Shrek, Fiona, Puss and Donkey
to let the King’s passing sink in.
DISSOLVE TO:
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 18.
EXT. RODEO DRIVE — CONTINUOUS
The streets of Far Far Away are empty. People are closing up
the shops on Rodeo Drive.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. CASTLE — CONTINUOUS
The knights of Far Far Away march toward the castle as the
flag is lowered to half-masked.
EXT. POND — LATER
Close on a statue of the late King. Shrek, Fiona, the Queen,
and all the Fairy-tale Creatures and Princesses have gathered
for the funeral. Queen Lillian sets an old shoe box («Ye Olde
Footlocker») on top of a lily pad and sends it floating out
into the water.
An overhead shot shows the box floating through the lily
pads. The camera tilts up to reveal a frog choir, singing
«Live and Let Die.» The Princesses, Donkey, Puss and the
Fairy-tale Creatures all bow their heads solemnly.
Shrek puts his arm around Fiona.
The funeral has ended and the crowd begins to disperse.
Shrek, Fiona and Queen Lillian stand by the pond. Queen Lillian
sadly gazes at the pond.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. A BLUFF OVERLOOKING THE CASTLE — CONTINUOUS
The camera pulls back to reveal a cloaked figure, on
horseback, overlooking the funeral. The figure removes his
hood to reveal Prince Charming. He gives a smug smile, and
rides off.
CUT TO:
EXT. POISONED APPLE BAR — NIGHT
Prince Charming rides up to the Poison Apple Bar.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 19.
INT. POISONED APPLE BAR — CONTINUOUS
Smoke wafts through the screen. The camera pans down to the
top of a piano where an ashtray with a lit cigarette burns
and a brandy sifter is filled with coins. The camera pans
over to a Singing Witch who turns around to reveal a
microphone in her hand. The Singing Witch starts to sing
«I’ve Never Been To Me» by Nancy Wilson.
The bar is filled with various Fairy-tale Villains. Two
pirates sit forlornly with their mugs. The Puppet Master
takes a drink out of a beer mug. He is surrounded by a bunch
of empty beer mugs.
Prince Charming enters the bar.
A group is gathered around Cyclops riding a medieval
mechanical bull, hooting and hollering. The bull stops and
the Villains turn to look at Prince Charming.
Prince Charming hangs his cape on a tree branch. The camera
adjusts right to reveal the branch is actually one of the
Evil Trees, who flings the cape to the floor. Everyone takes
notice as Prince Charming walks through. Little Red Riding
Hood is sitting on a pile of books at a table. Evil Dwarves
glare in Prince Charming’s direction. Prince Charming walks
by a pair of witches (one is the Evil Queen from Snow White)
playing pool. The Evil Queen scratches when she sees him and
the pool ball goes flying into the Headless Horseman’s neck.
Prince Charming walks by the singing witch. He reaches the
bar, pulls out a handkerchief, places it over the bar stool,
and sits.
Prince Charming spots the bartender with her back to him. He
clears his throat.
PRINCE CHARMING
What does a Prince have to do to
get a drink around here?
Mabel, the other ugly stepsister, rises up in front a poster
with a smiling beer wench.
PRINCE CHARMING
Ah Mabel, why they call you an ugly
stepsister I’ll never know.
He winks at her. She glares at him.
PRINCE CHARMING
Where’s Doris, taking the night
off?
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 20.
MABEL
She’s not welcome here and neither
are you.
She spits into the mug and wipes it with a towel.
MABEL (CONT’D)
What do you want, Charming?
PRINCE CHARMING
Oh not much, just a chance at
redemption…
(LAUGHS)
And a Fuzzy Navel.
Prince Charming stands up and turns to the bar patrons.
PRINCE CHARMING
And Fuzzy Navels for all my
friends.
Captain Hook rips his hook across the piano keys. The
singing witch bares her teeth. The witches break their pool
cues. The Puppet Master breaks his beer mug.
CAPTAIN HOOK
We’re not your friends.
Prince Charming grows nervous.
The Villains all approach Prince Charming.
From behind the bar, Mabel grabs Prince Charming by his
shoulders and pins him on top of the bar.
PRINCE CHARMING
Ahh.
Captain Hook places his hook against Prince Charming’s neck.
CAPTAIN HOOK
You don’t belong here.
PRINCE CHARMING
You’re right; oh, I mean you’re
absolutely right, but I mean, do
any of us?
CYCLOPS
Do a number on his face.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 21.
PRINCE CHARMING
No, no, wait, wait, wait. We are
more alike than you think.
Prince Charming turns to the Evil Queen.
PRINCE CHARMING
Wicked Witch. The Seven Dwarves
saved Snow White and then what
happened?
EVIL QUEEN
Oh, what’s it to you?
PRINCE CHARMING
They left you the un-fairest of
them all. And now here you are,
hustling pool to get your next
meal. How does that feel?
EVIL QUEEN
Pretty unfair.
Prince Charming begins to work the crowd.
PRINCE CHARMING
And you? Your star puppet abandons
the show to go and find his father.
PUPPET MASTER
I hate that little wooden puppet.
Prince Charming turns to Captain Hook.
PRINCE CHARMING
And Hook…
Prince Charming looks down at the hook.
PRINCE CHARMING (CONT’D)
… Need I say more?
Captain Hook backs off, feeling insecure about his appendage.
PRINCE CHARMING
And you. Frumpypigskin.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN
Rumplestiltskin.
PRINCE CHARMING
Where’s that first-thing you were
promised, hey?
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 22.
Rumplestiltskin caresses a cherry tattoo on his forearm.
Prince Charming gains more confidence as he confronts Mabel.
PRINCE CHARMING
Mabel, remember how you couldn’t
get your little fat foot into that
tiny glass slipper?
Mabel sighs.
PRINCE CHARMING
Cinderella is in Far Far Away right
now, eating Bon Bons, cavorting
with every little last Fairy-tale
Creature that has ever done you
wrong.
Prince Charming now has everyone’s attention.
PRINCE CHARMING
Once upon a time, someone decided
that we were the losers. But there
are two sides to every story. And
our side has not been told.
The crowd listens, rapt.
PRINCE CHARMING
So who will join me? Who wants to
come out on top for once? Who
wants their happily ever after?
The crowd of villains cheer and starts getting rowdy. A bar
room brawl ensues. Prince Charming looks on, shocked. He
ducks out of the way of a flying liquor bottle. He smiles
nervously and lifts his fruity, Fuzzy Navel to drink.
CUT TO:
EXT. DOCKS — DUSK
The camera booms down from the lighthouse.
BLIND MOUSE #1
This way gents.
The blind mice stumble and fall trying to get down the steps
to the dock. The Fairy-tale Creatures and Dragon have
gathered to wish Shrek, Puss and Donkey a bon voyage as they
set off to retrieve Arthur.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 23.
On the docks, two Dronkeys chase a seagull as the camera pans
over to Puss who breaks free of the embrace of a lady cat.
PUSS
It’s out of my hands senorita, the
winds of fate have blown on my
destiny. But I will never forget
you. You are the love of my life.
Off-screen, a cat meows and walks towards Puss.
PUSS (CONT’D)
As are you…
Camera pulls out to reveal more and more cats approaching
Puss.
PUSS (CONT’D)
And you.
Puss starts walking away as two of the cats begin to engage
in a cat fight. They are hissing at each other as Puss backs
away from them and into another.
PUSS (CONT’D)
And, uh… hi. I don’t know you,
but I’d like to. I gotta go.
Puss runs out of frame. Cut to Dragon, who is talking to
Donkey. Puss runs past them in the background. Dragon lets
out a soft wail.
DONKEY
I know, I know… I don’t want to
leave you either baby, but you know
how Shrek is. The dude’s lost
without me.
She gives him an understanding smile.
DONKEY
But don’t worry. I’ll send you
airmail kisses everyday.
He blows her a kiss and she catches it. He looks down at his
children, holding his cherries.
DONKEY
Alright, be strong babies. Be
strong. Now, Coco, Peanut, you
listen to Mama, alright? And
Bananas, no more roastin’
marshmallows on your sister’s head.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 24.
Bananas lets out a fiery sneeze.
DONKEY
Ah, that’s my special boy. Oh,
come over here, all of you. Give
your brother a big hug.
The baby Dronkeys fly around their old brother.
The Dronkey that Fiona is holding flies off to join Donkey
and the others.
Fiona nervously takes in a breath.
FIONA
Shrek, maybe you should just stay
and be King.
SHREK
Oh, c’mon, there’s no way I could
ever run a kingdom. That’s why your
cousin Arthur’s the perfect choice.
FIONA
It’s not that. No. It’s, you
see…
SHREK (CONT’D)
And if he gives me any trouble,
I’ve always got persuasion and
reason.
(holds up his right fist)
Here’s persuasion,
(holds up his left fist)
and here’s reason.
Shrek chuckles. Fiona gives him a look. Shrek reassures her.
SHREK
Fiona, soon it’s just gonna be you
and me and our swamp.
FIONA
(HESITANT)
It’s not going to be just you and
me.
The ship’s fog horn sounds.
SHIP CAPTAIN
All aboard.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 25.
SHREK
It will be. I promise. I love
you.
He kisses her and joins Puss and Donkey on the boat.
He title proudly reads: H.R.M CRUSHING RESPONSIBILITY II
The boat sets sail. The Dronkeys spell out «We Love You
big brother» with smoke in the sky.
FAIRYTALE CREATURES
Awwwwwwwww.
PIG #1
That’s lovely.
Donkey waves to his friends, feeds them cherries.
DONKEY
Bye bye dudes.
Fiona runs after the boat.
FIONA
Shrek.
Shrek leans against the rail, calling out to her.
SHREK
Yeah?
FIONA
Wait.
SHREK
What is it?
She smiles and takes a deep breath.
FIONA
I’m, I’m-
The Ship Captain blows a fog horn and cuts her off. Shrek
smiles back at her.
SHREK
(LAUGHS)
I love you too honey.
FIONA
No… No, I said I’m pr-
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 26.
The Ship Captain starts to blow again. Shrek grabs the horn
and throws it overboard.
SHREK
You’re what?
FIONA
I said I’m pregnant.
The Fairy-tale Creatures behind Fiona cheer.
SHREK
(doesn’t want to believe
HIS EARS)
Uh… what was that?
FIONA
You’re going to be a father.
SHREK
(NERVOUS LAUGH)
That’s great.
FIONA
Really? I’m glad you think so. I
love you.
Shrek smiles back at Fiona.
SHREK
Yeah…
(NERVOUS LAUGH)
Me too… you…
Fiona smiles as Queen Lillian places a hand on her shoulder.
Overjoyed at the news, Donkey pops up onto the railing.
DONKEY
I’m gonna be an Uncle. I’m gonna
be an Uncle. I’m gonna be an
Uncle.
PUSS
Oh, and you my friend are royally—
The fog horn blasts again as the boat disappears into the
fog.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 27.
EXT. BOAT CABIN — NIGHT
The boat travels along in the open sea. Shrek is fast asleep
as the boat travels through an estuary and beaches itself.
Shrek wakes up. He opens the cabin door.
SHREK
Ahhh. Home.
He smiles to himself. The boat has beached itself right
outside of Shrek’s swamp house.
He leaps off the boat.
SHREK
Woohoo.
EXT. SWAMP HOUSE — CONTINUOUS
Shrek takes a deep breath of swamp air.
SHREK
Ahh.
He skips and dances happily toward his house.
FIONA (O.S.)
Shrek?
SHREK
Ooo.
(LAUGHS)
INT. SWAMP HOUSE — CONTINUOUS
He sashays through the front door with his eyes closed,
presenting himself.
SHREK
Fiona.
After a moment of silence, he opens his eyes, realizing that
Fiona is not there.
SHREK
Fiona?
He looks around the room, puzzled. The door slams closed
behind him.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 28.
A baby carriage rolls slowly into frame behind him. He turns slowly and sees the baby carriage covered with a blanket. Shrek removes the blanket, revealing a baby ogre, smiling innocently at him.
SHREK Huh? Oh no.
The baby burps.
SHREK (AMUSED) Better out than in, I always say. Ha ha.
OGRE BABY Hiccup.
This time the baby’s burp turns into projectile vomit aimed directly at Shrek. Shrek puts his hand up to block the vomit, but to no avail. The baby continues to vomit, but eventually stops after completely soiling himself and Shrek. The baby looks like it’s about to cry. Shrek raises his hands.
SHREK No, no, no, no, no, no. Ha, ha. It’s okay. It’s gonna be alright.
Shrek picks the baby up, smiling at it cautiously. He holds it awkwardly for a few seconds, then looks up and realizes that his house is filled with babies.
OGRE BABY Da-Da.
Babies roll around his living room, tearing the fabric off his chair. The chair reclines, catapulting one of the babies onto Shrek’s head. A standing lamp with a baby on top falls, and Shrek dives to catch him. Another baby is pulling the tablecloth, causing lethal knives to fly straight at him. Shrek snatches the baby away just before he is impaled. One of the babies strikes a match near the fireplace. Shrek runs over, picks up the baby and blows out the match. He takes a baby out of the cauldron.
SHREK Hey. Hey, hey, wait. Would ya? No, no. Stop. Hey, hey, hey. No.
Pinocchio approaches.
PINOCCHIO Shrek, no, no, not the room. Leave it alone, kid? Baby!
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 29.
DONKEY Ogres are nervous! It can bedroom.
Gingy silly grin at Shrek grabs the baby. Fiona walks away.
FIONA Baby, wherever has been thrown the disgust.
Shrek panics. A baby is knocking glass jars off the shelf. Shrek catches him before he crawls off of it. Shrek runs through the room picking up babies.
INT. SHREK’S BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS
After he has collected as many babies as he can, Shrek slides open the curtain to his bedroom.
SHREK Huh? What are you doing?
PINOCCHIO What’s going on up there, Shrek?
PUSS Pinocchio, what has been charming for nothing with babies.
SHREK No, no! Huh?
He sees a baby sitting in his bed, smiling up at him. The baby shrugs.
OGRE BABY Bubabatoo?
Suddenly, Shrek hears a loud rumble. He turns around. Babies start pouring out of the window and the fireplace. First there is one, then two, then thirty more follow. Hundreds of them start piling in.
Shrek makes a run for the doorway, but no matter how hard he runs, the doorway keeps getting farther and farther away! He keeps trying, hundreds of babies trailing behind.
INT. GRADUATION STAGE — CONTINUOUS
Finally, Shrek reaches the door and opens it. He slams it shut behind him and closes his eyes. Everything is quiet. He opens his eyes and finds himself on stage in front of his high school.
Shrek looks up to find a graduation cap on his head. The audience is full of ogre babies laughing at him. The camera pulls back to reveal Shrek standing at the podium, naked.
CUT TO:
EXT. BOAT DECK — DAWN, CONTINUOUS
Shrek’s eyes pop open, he sits upright and tries to compose himself.
SHREK Ahhhh. Oh, Donkey. Donkey, wake- up!
Donkey and Puss turn around, but they both have baby-ogre faces! Donkey makes a baby noise. As the camera zooms in, Donkey’s eyes glow red and his teeth become sharp and pointy. Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 30.
DONKEY (with ogre baby head) Da-da!
The nightmare ends as a fog horn blows. Shrek bolts upright again. Donkey and
Puss wake up.
SHREK
Ahhhh.
He breaths heavily, trying to compose himself.
DONKEY
Shrek. Shrek, are you okay?
SHREK
Oh… I can’t believe I’m going to
be thirsty.
Donkey and Puss look at each other. He gets up and walks to
the ship’s railing.
SHREK
How did this happen?
PUSS
Allow me to explain. You see, when
a man has certain feelings for a
woman, a powerful urge sweeps over
him…
SHREK
I know how it happened. I just
can’t believe it.
Shrek walks away.
Donkey leans over to Puss.
DONKEY
How does it happen?
Puss rolls his eyes at Donkey.
CUT TO:
Donkey sees Shrek at the back of the boat staring out at the
distant horizon. He walks up next to his friend.
DONKEY
(SINGING)
And the cat’s in the cradle and the
silver spoon,
(MORE)
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 31.
DONKEY (CONT’D)
Little boy blue and the man in the
moon.
Shrek rolls his eyes.
DONKEY (CONT’D)
«When you coming home, son?» «I
don’t know when,
But we’ll get together then, Dad-»
Shrek cuts Donkey off.
SHREK
Donkey, can you just cut to the
part where you’re supposed to make
me feel better?
Shrek slumps against the rail. Puss hops up on the railing
and whispers into Shrek’s other ear.
PUSS
You know I love Fiona, Boss.
Right?
(CONFIDENTIALLY)
But what I’m talking about here is
you, me, my cousin’s boat, an ice-
cold pitcher of mojitos, and two
weeks of nothing but fishing.
Puss makes a «let’s go fishing» gesture by casting an
imaginary rod into the ocean. Donkey is right there to
whisper in Shrek’s other ear.
DONKEY
Man, don’t you listen to him.
Having a baby is not going to ruin
your life.
SHREK
It’s not my life I’m worried about
ruining. It’s the kid’s.
Donkey and Puss pause as Shrek rants.
SHREK
I mean…when have you ever heard
the phrase «as sweet as an…ogre»
or «as nurturing as…an ogre» Or
how `bout…»you’re gonna’ love my
dad…he’s a real ogre.»
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 32.
DONKEY
Okay, okay I get it. Nobody said
it was going to be easy. But at
least you got us to help you out.
SHREK
That’s true.
He thinks for a moment.
SHREK
I’m doomed.
DONKEY
You’ll be fine.
SHIP CAPTAIN
You’re finished.
Everyone turns to look at the Captain who clears his throat.
SHIP CAPTAIN
Uh, with your journey.
He points to shore. A majestic castle stands proudly on a
nearby bluff.
CUT TO:
EXT. WORCESTERSHIRE ACADEMY — DAY
Shrek, Puss and Donkey stand at the entrance to the castle.
Donkey reads the sign hanging over the entrance.
DONKEY
Wor-ces-ter-shireee. Now that
sounds fancy.
SHREK
It’s Worcestershire.
DONKEY
Like the sauce? Mmmm… It’s
spicy.
The drawbridge to the castle lowers.
DONKEY
Oohh. They must be expecting us.
They start over the drawbridge.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 33.
A horse whinnies behind them. Shrek, Donkey, and Puss jump
out of the way as a medieval school bus storms by. The kids
on the back of the bus scream when they see Shrek.
DONKEY
What in the shista-shire kind of
place is this?
Shrek suddenly looks concerned.
SHREK
Well, my stomach aches and my palms
just got sweaty. Must be a high
school.
DONKEY
High school?
EXT. SCHOOL GROUNDS — CONTINUOUS
A group of cheerleaders practice.
CHEERLEADERS
Ready? Okay. Where for art thou
headed, to the top? Yeah we think
so, we think so. And dost thou
thinkest thine can be stopped? Nay
we thinks not. We thinks not.
Shrek rolls his eyes and continues on, terrifying students as
he walks through the courtyard.
FEMALE STUDENT #1
Ahhhhh.
The kid runs away quickly into the student parking lot where
a bunch of different style horse-drawn carriages are parked.
A carriage passes in front of Shrek that reads: «Caution —
Student Driver.»
DRIVERS ED INSTRUCTOR
All right Mr. Percival, just ease
up on the reigns-
The carriage jolts forward and crashes off-screen.
Two stoner kids emerge from a medieval-style «VW» carriage.
VAN STUDENT
(cough, cough)
For lo bro, don’t burn all my
frankincense and myrrh.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 34.
DONKEY
I’m already starting to feel
nauseous from memories of wedgies
and swirlies.
PUSS
But how did you receive the wedgies
when you are clearly not the wearer
of the underpants?
DONKEY
Let’s just say some things are
better left unsaid and leave it at
that.
He notices two female students discussing their love lives.
GUINEVERRE
So then I was all like «I’d rather
get the black plague and lock
myself in an iron maiden than go
out with you.»
TIFFANY
Eh, totally.
Shrek approaches them.
SHREK
Pardon me…
They flee in terror.
GUINEVERRE
Eh. Totally ew-th.
TIFFANY
Yeah, totally.
A pair of dorky kids play a medieval, role-playing board
game.
GARY
Yes. I just altered my character
level to plus three superbability.
SHREK
Hi, we’re looking for someone named-
GARY
Gee, who rolled a plus nine «dork»
spell and summoned the beast and
his quadrupeds.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 35.
XAVIER
Ha ha.
(SNORT)
Ah.
The students panics when his nose starts to bleed.
SHREK
I know you’re busy «not fitting in»
but can either of you tell me where
I can find Arthur?
While Xavier tries to control the bleeding, Gary points
towards the athletic field.
GARY
He’s over there.
CUT TO:
EXT. JOUSTING RANGE — CONTINUOUS
In the distance, Shrek spots A BOLD KNIGHT atop his steed.
He looks very impressive as he rears up ready to charge.
Shrek, Donkey and Puss arrive to see the beginning of the
charge. It’s an exciting back and forth.
Hooves pound on sand.
The Knight’s eyes steady.
The horse rears majestically.
The opponent’s eyes widen in fear.
The lance hits, and the opponent flies through the air and
lands in front of Shrek, Puss and Donkey.
Shrek looks back at the victorious Knight. He removes his
helmet revealing a strong handsome face. The Knight enjoys
his victory.
KNIGHT (LANCELOT)
Ha ha. There is no sweeter taste
on thy tongue than victory.
JOCKS
Oy. Right. Ooo. Ooo. Ooo.
Shrek turns to Puss.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 36.
SHREK
Strong, handsome, face of a leader.
Does Arthur look like a King or
what?
Shrek steps forward.
TEENAGER (ARTIE)
Ow.
Shrek looks down, his foot planted square in the chest of
LANCELOT’s opponent. Shrek steps back.
SHREK
Oh. Sorry.
The kid doesn’t budge, his arms and legs still sprawled out
where he hit the ground.
TEENAGER (ARTIE)
Did you just say you were looking
for Arthur?
Shrek, Puss and Donkey turn back around.
PUSS
That information is on a need to
know basis.
DONKEY
It’s top secret, hushity hush.
CUT TO:
EXT. JOUSTING RANGE — KNIGHTS AREA
The Knight commands his troops.
KNIGHT (LANCELOT)
Now gentlemen let’s away… to the
showers.
JOCKS
Oy. Right. Ooo. Ooo.
Shrek approaches the Knight.
The Knight’s horse rears up and he falls off. The horse
gallops off. The Knight looks up at Shrek in fear.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 37.
SHREK (CONT’D)
Greetings your majesty. This is
your lucky day.
KNIGHT (LANCELOT)
So what for like are you supposed
to be? Some kind of giant mutant
leprechaun or something?
SHREK
Oh, ho, ho, ho. Giant mutant
leprechaun… You made a funny.
Shrek scoops up the Knight, tosses him over his shoulder,
ogre-style.
KNIGHT (LANCELOT)
Unhand me, monster.
SHREK
Stop squirming, Arthur.
KNIGHT (LANCELOT)
I’m not Arthur.
Shrek stops and holds Lancelot above his head. Lancelot
tries to regain his dignity.
LANCELOT
I am Lancelot.
Lancelot points across the school yard.
LANCELOT
That dork over there is Arthur.
He points to the TEENAGE ARTHUR, skulking away across the
school yard.
SHREK
Hey.
Artie turns his head briefly, but keeps on walking.
Shrek sighs and dumps Lancelot to the ground.
LANCELOT
Aaah.
Shrek storms off towards the school. Puss and Donkey catch
up. One of the female students steps in front of Shrek.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 38.
GUINEVERRE
Ahem. This is like totally
embarrassing, but my friend Tiffany
thinkest thou vex her so soothly…
The other girls giggle.
GUINEVERRE (CONT’D)
And she thought perchance thou
would wanna ask her to the
Homecoming Dance or something…
SHREK
Uh, excuse me?
GUINEVERRE
It’s like whatever. She’s just
totally into college guys and
mythical creatures and stuff.
She pops her gum.
CUT TO:
INT. HALLWAY — LATER
Shrek and Puss search the hallways, looking for Artie.
SHREK
Oh Arthur. Come out, come out
wherever you are…
Off-screen we hear mumbling from inside a locker. Shrek and
Puss look as Donkey pushes the locker door open. He has been
stuffed inside. Off-screen we hear some students laughing.
DONKEY
Yeah, you better run, you little
punk no good-niks, `cause the days
of «Little Donkey Dumpy Drawers»
are over.
An «I Suck-eth» sign has been taped Donkey’s butt.
Shrek spots students entering the Gymnasium. They approach a
HALL MONITOR who stops them.
HALL MONITOR
Hold it…
Two mascot costumed students walk up to the hall monitor.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 39.
COSTUME STUDENT 1
We’re here for the Mascot Contest.
COSTUME STUDENT 2
Grrrrr.
The Hall Monitor waves them in. Shrek gets an idea.
SHREK
(pleased with himself)
We’re here for the Mascot Contest
too.
The Hall Monitor reaches out and starts painfully pinching
and pulling Shrek’s skin. Shrek tries to hide the pain.
HALL MONITOR
(SUSPICIOUS)
This is a costume?
SHREK
(RECOVERING)
Aaaiyyyy… worked on it all night
long.
The Hall Monitor lets his face snap back into place. Shrek
struggles not to scream in agony. Hall Monitor is still
suspicious.
HALL MONITOR
Looks pretty real to me.
PUSS
If it were real could I do this?
Puss’s claws snap out one at a time like jack-knives and then
Puss jabs all the claws deep into Shrek’s butt.
DONKEY
Or this?
Donkey kicks Shrek hard in the groin with his hind legs.
Shrek winces and sweats.
SHREK
(UNBELIEVABLY STRAINED)
He’s right. If it were real that
would have been agonizingly
painful.
DONKEY
Now watch this….
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 40.
SHREK
(INTERRUPTING; THROUGH
GRITTED TEETH)
That’s quite enough boys.
INT. GYMNASIUM — CONTINUOUS
Principal Pynchley presides over an assembly for the entire
student body. He speaks through a megaphone.
PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY
Thank you to Professor Primbottom
for his invigorating lecture on how
to just say «nay».
Two students are standing next to Pynchley. One is dressed
up like a dragon and the other as a griffin.
PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY
And now, without further ado, let’s
give a warm Worcestershire-hoozah
to the winner of our «New Mascot»
contest… the—
Shrek bursts through the double-doors of the gym.
PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY (CONT’D)
—ogre?
The students gasp as Shrek marches forward.
SHREK
That’s right. I’m the new mascot.
So let’s really try and beat the
other guys… at whatever it is
they’re doing.
The band plays Smashmouth’s «All Star.»
PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY
This is indeed all a bit
unorthodox.
Without breaking stride, Shrek grabs Principal Pynchley’s
megaphone.
SHREK
Now, where can I find Arthur
Pendragon?
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 41.
The students all point… to the basketball hoop, where Artie
hangs helplessly. Shrek, Donkey and Puss turn and look up
and see the freshly wedgied student. The students laugh.
In the front row, Lancelot bumps fists with Bohort.
LANCELOT
Classic.
Donkey turns to Lancelot.
DONKEY
You should be ashamed of yourself.
LANCELOT
I didn’t do it. They did.
Lance points to the D&D nerds. They are beside themselves
with nasal laughter. Nosebleed boy starts bleeding again.
Shrek reaches up and pulls Artie down to eye level.
ARTIE
Please don’t eat me.
STUDENTS
(CHANTING)
Eat him. Eat him.
Even Principal Pynchley gets caught up in the excitement.
PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY
Eat him.
Shrek yanks on Artie and pulls him off the hoop.
SHREK
I’m not here to eat him.
STUDENTS
AWWW.
SHREK
It’s time to pack up your
toothbrush and jammies. You’re the
new King of Far Far Away.
ARTIE
What?
The students react with surprise and disbelief.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 42.
LANCELOT
Artie a King? More like the Mayor
of Loserville.
BOHORT
Nice one Lance.
They high five. The tuba player plays a Wha-wha-wha.
LANCELOT
Burn.
Everyone laughs.
ARTIE
Is this for real?
SHREK
Absolutely. Now clean out your
locker, kid. You’ve got a kingdom
to run.
ARTIE
So wait, I’m really the only heir?
Shrek pauses for just a moment, then…
SHREK
The one and only.
ARTIE
Give me just a second.
Artie turns back to the crowd and delivers a heartfelt
speech.
ARTIE
My good people, I think there’s a
lesson here for all of us. Maybe
the next time you’re about to dunk
a kid’s head in a chamber pot,
you’ll stop and think, hey, maybe
this guy has feelings. Maybe I
should cut him some slack. Because
maybe, just maybe… this guy’s
gonna turn out to be, uh…I
dunno…a King. And maybe his
first royal decree will be to
banish everyone who ever picked on
him — that’s right, I’m looking at
you, jousting team.
Artie points and Lancelot and his buddies look horrified.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 43.
ARTIE
And Gwen… oh Gwen. I’ve always
loved you.
GUINEVERRE
Ew.
ARTIE
Well good friends, it breaks my
heart, but, enjoy your stay here in
prison while I rule the free world
baby.
SHREK
Alright, let’s not overdo it.
ARTIE
I’m building my city people. On
Rock and Roll.
SHREK
You just overdid it.
Shrek shoves the kid through the door.
ARTIE
Ow.
Shrek, Donkey, and Puss exit the gymnasium.
CUT TO:
INT. LIBRARY — DAY
All the Princesses and Fairy-tale Creatures have gathered for
Fiona’s baby shower. A group of birds gently place a
flowered wreath on Fiona’s head. The Princesses all gaze at
her.
PRINCESSES
(GASP)
Oh.
SNOW WHITE
Look at you.
RAPUNZEL
Wow.
SNOW WHITE
You look darling.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 44.
SLEEPING BEAUTY
Just precious. Look at her.
RAPUNZEL
So, have you had any cravings since
you’ve been pregnant?
Fiona stands at the buffet table, stuffing her face with
cakes, pies, and anything else she can get her hands on.
FIONA
(MOUTH FULL)
No, no, not at all.
She takes another bite.
FIONA
Do you smell ham?
SNOW WHITE
(SINGING)
Oooh. It’s present time.
The birds and forest creatures all flock to Snow White. They
chirp and hoot happily. Snow White looks annoyed.
CINDERELLA
Oh, Fiona, won’t you please open
mine first? It’s the one in front.
Fiona reads the card.
FIONA
(READING)
«Congratulations on your new mess
maker…» Oh, `mess maker.’
(LAUGHS)
«Hopefully this helps. Love,
Cinderella.»
Fiona opens it and pulls out a plastic baggy and pooper-
scooper.
PRINCESSES
Oooo. Aaaah.
DORIS
Will you look at that?
SLEEPING BEAUTY
What is it?
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 45.
CINDERELLA
It’s for the poopies.
SLEEPING BEAUTY
Eww. Wait, babies poop?
RAPUNZEL
Everyone poops Beauty.
The Fairy-tale Creatures get excited.
PIG #2
Fiona…
PIG #1
Fiona. We all chipped in for a
little present too.
PIGS
Yah.
Pinocchio spins around, revealing a «Baby-Bjorn» with
Gingerbread Man inside.
GINGERBREAD MAN/PINOCCHIO
Ta dah.
PRINCESSES
Oooh.
GINGERBREAD MAN
You know the baby’s gonna love it
because I do.
FIONA
Oh, you guys, that’s so sweet.
Thank you.
Fiona turns to another present.
FIONA
Who’s this one from?
SNOW WHITE
I got you the biggest one because I
love you the most.
The other girls scowl at her.
FIONA
(reading the card)
«Have one on me, love Snow White»
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 46.
Fiona pulls the string, opening the box to reveal a dwarf.
FIONA
(CONFUSED)
Umm… what is it?
SNOW WHITE
Ha, haaa. He’s a live-in baby-
sitter.
NANNY DWARF
Where’s the baby?
FIONA
You’re too kind, Snow, but I can’t
accept this.
SNOW WHITE
Think nothing of it. I’ve got six
more at home.
FIONA
What does he do?
CINDERELLA
The cleaning.
SNOW WHITE
The feeding.
NANNY DWARF
The burping.
FIONA
So what are Shrek and I supposed to
do?
RAPUNZEL
Well, now you’ll have plenty of
time to work on your marriage.
FIONA
Gee thanks Rapunzel, and what’s
that supposed to mean?
RAPUNZEL
Oh, come on now, Fiona. You know
what happens.
Cinderella prods beauty.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 47.
SLEEPING BEAUTY
(WAKING)
Huh? You’re tired all the time…
SNOW WHITE
You’ll start letting yourself go…
GINGERBREAD MAN
Stretch marks.
RAPUNZEL
Say goodbye to romance.
Dragon puts her head through the window.
DRAGON
Yort.
FIONA
Um sorry… but how many of you
have kids?
Doris wedges herself in on the couch.
DORIS
She’s right. A baby is only gonna
strengthen the love that Shrek and
Fiona have. How did Shrek react
when you told him? Tell me.
Fiona smiles.
FIONA
Well, when he first found
out…Shrek said-
DRAGON
Roarrr.
CUT TO:
EXT. SKY ABOVE FAR FAR AWAY — DAY
The Fairy-tale Villains are heading into town on flying
broomsticks. The Evil Trees are hanging underneath some of
the large broomsticks. Prince Charming is riding side saddle
with one of the witches.
PRINCE CHARMING (CONT’D)
(LAUGHING)
Onward my new friends.
(MORE)
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 48.
PRINCE CHARMING (CONT’D)
To our happily ever afters. Ha ha
ha ha ha.
A bug flies into his mouth.
PRINCE CHARMING
Gaa. Gulp. Ahhhh.
Prince Charming takes the bug out of his mouth.
PRINCE CHARMING
Now, bombs away!
From the sky, Prince Charming, Cyclops and the Evil Witches
swoop down in «winged» formation on the broomsticks.
The Evil Trees are dropped like bombs. They pull their
branches (i.e. rip cord) to activate their plumage as
parachutes. Prince Charming and his army dive bomb towards
Rodeo Drive.
EXT. RODEO DRIVE — CONTINUOUS
A POV shot of an Evil Witch flying over Rodeo Drive. People
are diving out of her way.
The Evil Trees land, surrounding the shoppers, who flee in
terror.
EVIL TREES
Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
A shadow falls over the child, and he looks up to reveal
Captain Hook and the Headless Horseman on horseback.
CAPTAIN HOOK
Well, well, well. If it isn’t
Peter Pan.
MOTHER
His name’s not Peter.
CAPTAIN HOOK
Shut it, Wendy.
MOTHER
Ahhh.
Evil dwarves chase patrons from the «Ye Olde Booteria» shop.
They replace a few letters on a store window and turn it into
«Ye Olde HOOTERS.»
The excited patrons race back in.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 49.
An Evil Knight scares the patrons of Farbucks away and then
takes a seat to drink the unfinished coffee.
Another Villain throws a cart through a store window.
Cyclops rips the stamps off some envelopes, puts the
envelopes back in the mailbox and laughs.
CYCLOPS
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
The camera pans up to Prince Charming on the broomstick
flying down Rodeo Drive.
PRINCE CHARMING
Enough pillaging. To the castle.
Prince Charming, on the broom, leads the Fairy-tale Villains
up to the castle.
CUT TO:
EXT. CASTLE — CONTINUOUS
The Evil Witches surround the castle. Dragon takes down one
of the witches flying by, but more Evil Witches circle her.
Fiona runs to the window.
The Evil Witches drop a metal net over Dragon. She
struggles.
DRAGON
Roarrrr.
CUT TO:
INT. LIBRARY — CONTINUOUS
BANG! The Fairy-tale Creatures run to barricade the door.
The Three Pigs and Pinocchio push a dresser and other
furniture in front of the door.
The Fairy-tale Creatures are fortifying the room. They brace
themselves against the furniture.
GINGERBREAD MAN
(TO FIONA)
You go and take care of the baby.
The Princesses panic.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 50.
SNOW WHITE
Everybody stay calm. We’re all
going to die.
Doris slaps Snow White to calm her down.
SNOW WHITE
(WHIMPER)
Fiona rushes to the fireplace and pushes it to one side,
revealing an underground passageway.
FIONA
Everyone in. Now.
INT. OUTSIDE LIBRARY DOOR — CONTINUOUS
Prince Charming commands the Villains.
PRINCE CHARMING
C’mon. Put some back into it
people.
The Villains use an Evil Tree as a battering ram. Cyclops
rides the tree like a mechanical bull.
CYCLOPS
Yee-haw. Ow.
INT. LIBRARY — CONTINUOUS
BOOM! The door is starting to give way.
FIONA
We don’t have time. Now go.
QUEEN
Quickly ladies.
The Princesses go down the stairs.
GINGERBREAD MAN
We’ll hold them off as long as we
can.
BOOM! There is a loud explosion and the door blows open.
Prince Charming and the Fairy-tale Villains enter. He spots
the Fairy-tale Creatures having a tea party.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 51.
PRINCE CHARMING
Where are Shrek and Fiona?
GINGERBREAD MAN
Name doesn’t ring a bell.
PIG #1
Yah.
PIG #2
No bell.
The Fairy-tale Creatures go back to drinking their tea.
PRINCE CHARMING
I suggest you freaks cooperate with
the new King of Far Far Away.
GINGERBREAD MAN
The only thing you’re ever gonna be
King of is «King of the Stupids.»
Prince Charming snaps his fingers.
PRINCE CHARMING
Hook.
CAPTAIN HOOK
Right.
Captain Hook approaches Gingerbread Man.
CAPTAIN HOOK
Avast, ye cookie.
He raises his hook under Gingerbread Man’s chin.
CAPTAIN HOOK
Start talkin’.
Gingerbread Man tries to hold strong, but passes out.
A montage of Gingerbread Man’s life flashes before his eyes.
INT. BAKERY — DAY
A baker pulls some gingerbread cookies out of the oven. He
puts on the gum drop buttons and Gingerbread Man is born.
MUFFIN MAN
Gingy.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 52.
GINGERBREAD MAN
Papa.
INT. GINGERBREAD CLASSROOM — DAY
Gingerbread Man is attending school.
TEACHER
Settle down, now.
Gingerbread Man graduates.
EXT. ROAD TRIP — DAY
Gingerbread Man is driving in his car with the top down.
INT. MOVIE THEATER — NIGHT
Gingerbread Man is making out with his girlfriend at a movie.
EXT. CHURCH — DAY
Gingerbread Man and his bride run down the aisle as man and
wife.
INT. FARQUAAD’S CASTLE — DAY
Gingerbread Man is locked in a jail. Farquaad pulls off his
legs.
INT. GYM — DAY
Gingerbread Man is running on a treadmill, doing his
rehabilitation.
EXT. WHEAT FIELD — DAY
Gingerbread Man is running through a wheat field.
CUT BACK TO:
INT. LIBRARY — CONTINUOUS
Gingerbread Man is still in a dream state singing.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 53.
GINGERBREAD MAN
(SINGING)
«On the Good Ship Lollypop,
It’s a sweet trip,
To the candy shop,
Where the Bon Bons play,
On the sunny beach of Peppermint
Bay..»
Prince Charming becomes frustrated, he turns Pinocchio’s head
towards him.
PRINCE CHARMING
You. You can’t lie. So tell me
puppet… Where is Shrek?
Pinocchio thinks.
PINOCCHIO
(NERVOUS)
Well, I don’t know where he’s not.
Prince Charming gets in Pinocchio’s face.
PRINCE CHARMING
You’re telling me you don’t know
where Shrek is?
Pinocchio is still a little nervous.
PINOCCHIO
It wouldn’t be inaccurate to assume
that I couldn’t exactly not say
that is or isn’t almost partially
incorrect.
Pinocchio thinks he has the upper hand.
PRINCE CHARMING
So you do know where he is.
PINOCCHIO
On the contrary, I’m possibly more
or less, not definitely rejecting
the idea, that in no way, with any
amount of uncertainty that…
PRINCE CHARMING
Stop it.
PINOCCHIO (CONT’D)
…I undeniably do or do not know
where he shouldn’t probably be.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 54.
Captain Hook scratches his head, even the Three Little Pigs
are frustrated.
PINOCCHIO
If that indeed wasn’t where he
isn’t. Even if he wasn’t not where
I knew he was could mean that I
wouldn’t completely not know where
he wasn’t.
Gingerbread Man continues to sing his «Lollipop Song.»
PIG #1
Oh, enough. Shrek went off to
bring back the next heir. Oh.
The pig realizes his admission and immediately covers his
mouth. Pinocchio laughs nervously.
PRINCE CHARMING
He’s bringing back the next heir?
PINOCCHIO
No.
Pinocchio’s nose grows.
PRINCE CHARMING
Hook, get rid of this new «King.»
CAPTAIN HOOK
Right.
PRINCE CHARMING
But bring Shrek to me. I have
something special in mind for him.
PINOCCHIO
He’ll never fall for your tricks.
Pinocchio’s nose grows again.
WOLF
Oh boy.
CUT TO:
EXT. BOAT DECK — DUSK
The boat cuts through the open sea. Artie smiles as he
watches Worcestershire shrinking away on the horizon.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 55.
ARTIE
I can’t believe it… me a King?
I…I mean I knew I came from
royalty and all, but I just figured
everyone forgot about me.
He looks out to sea, disbelieving.
SHREK
Oh no, in fact, the King asked for
you personally.
Artie smiles.
ARTIE
Really? Wow. Look, I know it’s not
all gonna be fun and games.
SHREK
It really is all fun and games,
actually. Sure, you have to knight
a few heroes, launch a ship or two.
By the way, make sure you hit the
boat just right with the bottle.
ARTIE
Boat with the bottle? Any idiot
can hit a boat with a bottle.
Shrek chuckles sheepishly.
SHREK
Well, I’ve heard it’s harder than
it looks.
ARTIE
Whoa. This is gonna be huge.
Parties, princesses, castles…
princesses.
DONKEY
It’s gonna be great, Artie. You’ll
be living in the lap of luxury.
They got the finest chefs around
waiting for you to place your
order.
Puss jumps up onto the railing next to Artie.
PUSS
And fortunately you’ll have the
royal food tasters.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 56.
ARTIE
(INTRIGUED))
Oh yeah? What do they do?
PUSS
They taste the food before the King
eats, to make sure it’s not
poisoned.
ARTIE
Poisoned?
Shrek senses trouble and immediately steps in.
SHREK
Or too salty.
Shrek turns to Puss and Donkey, trying to shut them up.
DONKEY
(TO ARTIE)
Don’t worry about it. You’ll be
safe and sound with the help of
your body guards.
ARTIE
Body guards?
PUSS
All of them, willing at a moment’s
notice to lay down their own lives
out of devotion to you.
ARTIE
Really?
PUSS
Si, and the whole kingdom will look
to you for wisdom and guidance.
Behind Artie, Shrek mouths «shut-up» to Puss and Donkey.
DONKEY
Just make sure they don’t die of
famine.
PUSS
Or plague.
DONKEY
Oh, plague is bad.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 57.
PUSS
The coughing, the groaning, the
festering sores.
Shrek interrupts with a mock laugh.
SHREK
Oh. Festering sores. Hey, you are
one funny kitty cat.
PUSS
What did I say?
SHREK
We don’t want Artie here getting
the wrong idea.
Shrek motions to Artie, but he’s gone. They all look around.
SHREK (CONT’D)
Uh, Artie?
The boat suddenly pitches to the right. Shrek braces
himself. Puss and Donkey tumble away.
ALL
Whoa.
Artie swings the wheel around, sending the boat back in the
direction of his school. Shrek works his way into the cabin
and gains control of the wheel. The drunken Ship Captain
slides by.
SHIP CAPTAIN
Whoa. Oh, there goes my hip.
SHREK
Artie.
Shrek turns the wheel the other way.
SHREK (CONT’D)
What are you doing?
The boat veers again, heading back toward Far Far Away.
Artie falls to the ground and slides to the back of the boat.
A shuffle board stick slides next to Artie. He grabs it.
ARTIE
What does it look like?
He jams it in the boat’s wheel. The boat lurches.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 58.
He swings the boat back in the other direction. Shrek rises
up and grabs the wheel and turns it.
SHREK
This really isn’t up to you.
Artie falls underneath the wheel. He stands up shoving the
wheel back the other way.
ARTIE
But I don’t know anything about
being King.
SHREK
You’ll learn on the job.
Donkey and Puss roll across the deck.
DONKEY
Whoaaa.
Shrek grabs the wheel and swings it around. Artie yanks the
wheel. They wrestle for control.
ARTIE
Sorry to disappoint you, but I’m
going back.
SHREK
Back to what? Being a loser?
As soon as the word leaves his lips, Shrek knows he’s gone
too far. Stung, Artie lets go of the wheel, leaving Shrek to
yank hard on it. He pulls the steering column from the
decking.
SHREK (CONT’D)
Now look what you did!
ARTIE
Look what I did? Who’s holding the
wheel chief?
Donkey climbs up onto the railing. He is seasick and is
about to puke when he sees jagged rocks ahead.
DONKEY
(SWALLOWING; THEN
SHOUTING)
Shrek.
Shrek desperately sets the wheel back down and tries to steer
the ship clear of the rocks.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 59.
The camera pans past the boat. Off-screen we hear the boat
crash into the rocks.
SHIP CAPTAIN (O.S.)
Land ho.
EXT. BEACH — DUSK
Shrek, holding Puss and Donkey, staggers onto a small beach.
He glares at Artie who pulls himself out of the surf. Shrek
drops Puss and Donkey.
Puss, tired of being wet, shakes himself vigorously. His fur
puffs up into a fro. He drops his head in shame.
PUSS
How humiliating…
SHREK
Oh, nice going, Your Highness.
ARTIE
Oh, so now it’s «Your highness?»
What happened to «loser?» Huh?
SHREK
Hey, if you think this is getting
you out of anything, well it isn’t.
We’re heading back to Far Far Away
one way or another, and you’re
gonna be a father.
Artie raises an eyebrow. Puss and Donkey stare at Shrek
uncomfortably.
ARTIE
What?
DONKEY
(clearing his throat)
A-hem. You just said father…
SHREK
You’re… I said king. You’re
gonna be King.
ARTIE
(IMITATING SHREK)
«You’re gonna be King.» Yeah
right.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 60.
Artie shakes his head and marches down the beach toward a
path into the woods.
SHREK
Where do you think you’re going?
ARTIE
Far Far Away… from you.
SHREK
You get back here young man and I
mean it.
Artie keeps climbing.
PUSS
Uh boss, I don’t think he’s coming
back and maybe it’s for the best.
He is not exactly king material.
Shrek looks towards Artie.
DONKEY
When were you planning on telling
him that you were really supposed
to be King?
SHREK
Oh c’mon, now why would I do that?
Besides, he’ll be ten times better
at it than me.
Shrek starts off after Artie. Donkey jumps in front of Shrek.
DONKEY
Hey, woah ho ho, Shrek. Then
you’re gonna have to change your
tactics if you want to get anywhere
with this kid.
Beat.
SHREK
You’re right, Donkey.
Shrek picks up a piece of driftwood.
SHREK
What about this?
Donkey shakes his head in disgust.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 61.
DONKEY
Shrek.
Shrek tosses the log.
SHREK
Oh c’mon. It’s just a joke.
(LAUGHS)
Still…
Shrek walks off, trying to catch up to Artie.
EXT. FOREST — MOMENTS LATER
Artie marches up the mountain trail.
Shrek thinks for a moment and then tries a different tactic
with the kid. He catches up to Artie.
SHREK
Listen Artie…
Artie looks back over his shoulder. He sees Shrek and just
keeps going.
SHREK (CONT’D)
If you think this whole mad scene
ain’t dope, I feel you dude. I
mean, I’m not trying to get up in
your grill or raise your roof or
whatever, but what I am screaming
is, yo, check out this kazing
thazing bazaby.
Puss and Donkey glance at each other. Artie notices a
cottage in the distance and heads toward it.
SHREK
I mean, if it doesn’t groove or
what I’m saying ain’t straight
trippin’, just say, oh no you
didn’t, you know, you’re gettin’ on
my last nerve. And then I’ll know
it’s… then I’ll know it’s whack—
Passing a tree, Artie nonchalantly releases the branch,
striking Shrek square in the face and takes off running.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 62.
EXT. MERLIN’S CAMP — CONTINUOUS
A boiling soup pot sits over a fire in front of a small
shack. Artie charges though, pounding desperately on the
door.
ARTIE
Somebody help! I’ve been kidnapped
by a monster who’s trying to relate to me!
SHREK
Artie, wait.
Shrek, Puss, and Donkey run into the camp.
ARTIE
C’mon. C’mon. Help. Help.
Hello?
Suddenly, a burst of light shoots through a candle box that
is hung on the door. A bright, colorful image of an old
wizard’s head is projected out. Donkey is terrified.
DONKEY
AHHHH.
WIZARD HEAD (MERLIN)
Greetings cosmic children of the
universe, and welcome to my
serenity circle!
Shrek watches.
WIZARD HEAD (MERLIN)
Please leave any bad vibes outside
the healing vortex. And now
prepare …
With a «FZZZT» and a «BLOOP», the image disappears.
The door opens and a tiny old man, Merlin, comes out.
MERLIN
I knew I should of gotten that
warranty.
Merlin smashes the security device with his little fist and
is promptly zapped in the head.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 63.
MERLIN
Ahh. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
ARTIE
Mr. Merlin?
SHREK
You know this guy?
ARTIE
Yeah. He was the school’s magic
teacher until he had his nervous
breakdown.
MERLIN
Uh, technically I was merely a
victim of a level three fatigue,
and at the request of my therapist
and the school authorities, I have
retired to the tranquility of
nature to discover my divine
purpose.
Merlin smacks a fly that has landed on his head.
Shrek and Artie stare in astonishment.
MERLIN
Now, can I interest anyone in a
snack or beverage?
SHREK
Uh, no.
Merlin offers up a baking dish full of rocks.
MERLIN
Sure you don’t wanna try my famous
rock au-gratin?
Merlin takes a bite and chews loudly. His gums are bleeding
from eating rocks.
MERLIN
It’s organic.
They both stare at him uncomfortably.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 64.
SHREK
Oh, thanks, I just ate a boulder on
the way in. What we need are
directions back to Far Far Away.
ARTIE
What’s with the «we»? Who said I
was going with you?
SHREK
Oh, I did. Cause there’s a lot of
people counting on you so don’t try
and weasel out of it.
ARTIE
If it’s such a great job, why don’t
you do it?
SHREK
Understand this kid, it’s no more
Mr. Nice Guy from here on out.
ARTIE
Oh, so that was your «Mr. Nice
Guy?»
SHREK
I know, and I’m gonna miss him.
ARTIE
You know what? Why don’t you go
terrorize a village and leave me
alone?
SHREK
Oh, is that some kind of crack
about ogres? You get your royal
highness to Far Far Away before I
kick it there.
(TO MERLIN)
Now which way am I kicking?
MERLIN
Oh, I could tell you. But since
you’re in the midst of self-
destructive rage spiral it would be
karmic-ly irresponsible.
SHREK
Self-destructive ra…
(TO MERLIN)
Look, are you gonna help us or not?
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 65.
MERLIN
Most definitely, but only after you
take the journey to your soul.
SHREK
Yeah, I don’t think so.
MERLIN
Look pal, it’s either that or some
primal scream therapy.
Ahhhhhhhhhh.
Shrek grabs Merlin’s mouth and closes it.
SHREK
Alright, alright… journey to the
soul…
CUT TO:
EXT. MERLIN’S CAMP — LATER
A fire blazes.
Merlin throws a handful of dirt into the fire, it flares.
MERLIN
Now all of you, look into the «Fire
of Truth» and tell me what you see!
Yah. Ha.
(Wild war cry)
Woo-looo-looo-looo.
He points at the smoke and it starts to form objects (i.e.
Rorschach inkblots).
Puss and Donkey, excited, sit by the fire.
DONKEY
Ooo. Charades. Okay, I see a
dutch fudge torte with cinnamon
swirls.
MERLIN
Okay. Monster, go for it.
Shrek glances at the fire. The stroller from his nightmare
begins to take shape in the smoke. He blows the image away.
He covers his fear and changes the subject.
SHREK
I see a rainbow pony.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 66.
MERLIN
Excellent work.
(THEN)
Now. The boy.
ARTIE
This is lame.
Merlin whacks Artie on the back of the head.
ARTIE
Ow.
MERLIN
You’re lame. Now just go for it.
He tosses more dirt and flames burst up. Artie studies it.
ARTIE
Okay. There’s a baby bird and a
father bird sitting in a nest.
Merlin starts beating a drum. Artie’s expression starts to
change as he stays focused.
MERLIN
Yes. Stay with it. Stay with it.
ARTIE
Wait, the dad just flew away. Why
did he leave the little bird all
alone?
Shrek starts to take this in as he watches. Artie gets more
worked up.
ARTIE
It’s trying to fly, but it doesn’t
know how to. It.. it’s gonna fall.
Suddenly, Artie catches what he said. As the smoke drifts
away, he looks and sees everyone else staring back at him,
stunned.
MERLIN
Whew, proper head case you are,
aren’t you? Really messed up.
Whoa.
Merlin goes back inside. They all stare at Artie.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 67.
ARTIE
Yeah, yeah, okay. I get it. The
bird’s me. My dad left. So what?
Donkey gives Shrek a nudge to go over and talk to Artie.
Shrek hesitates and Donkey insists.
SHREK
(CLEARS THROAT)
Look Artie…um-
Just as he’s about to get going, «That’s What Friends Are
For» starts playing loudly from Merlin’s security device
drowning out any conversation. They all turn toward the
shack where Merlin peeks out.
MERLIN
(loud, over the music)
Just thought I might help set the
mood! Y’know for your big heart to
heart chat!
Everyone stares at him.
He sheepishly turns off the device and shuts the door. It’s
quiet again.
SHREK
I know what it’s like to not feel
ready for something.
Artie looks at him.
SHREK
Even ogres get scared…you know,
once in a while.
ARTIE
I know you want me to be king, but
I can’t. I’m not cut out for it and
I never will be, alright?
Shrek takes this in.
ARTIE (CONT’D)
Even my own dad knew I wasn’t worth
the trouble. He dumped me at that
school the first chance he got and
I never heard from him again.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 68.
SHREK
My dad wasn’t really the fatherly
type either.
ARTIE
Well, I doubt he was worse than
mine.
SHREK
Oh yeah? My father was an ogre.
He tried to eat me.
Artie looks at Shrek.
SHREK
Now, I guess I should have seen it
coming. He used to give me a bath
in barbecue sauce and put me to bed
with an apple in my mouth.
Artie chuckles at this.
ARTIE
Okay… I guess that’s… pretty
bad.
Artie laughs and then pokes at the fire.
SHREK
You know, it may be hard to believe
what with my obvious charm and good
looks, but people used to think
that I was a monster. And for a
long time, I believed them.
Artie looks up at Shrek.
SHREK (CONT’D)
But after awhile, you learn to
ignore the names that people call
you and you just trust who you are.
Artie gently pokes at the embers with a stick for a moment.
ARTIE
You know, you’re okay, Shrek.
He tosses the stick into the fire.
ARTIE
You just need to do a little less
yelling and use a little more soap.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 69.
SHREK
Thanks Artie.
ARTIE
The soap’s because you stink.
Really bad.
SHREK
Yeah. I got that.
The camera slowly booms up and away from the group as the
fire continues to burn.
CUT TO:
INT. SEWER CATACOMBS — CONTINUOUS
The Princesses, Fiona and Queen Lillian are surrounded by
darkness as they tiptoe down the steps and into the catacombs
below the castle.
They round a corner and step onto a ledge with Fiona leading
the way, holding a torch.
CINDERELLA
Oh this place is filthy. I feel
like a hobo.
Fiona tries to keep her frustration in check.
SNOW WHITE
I’m sorry but this just isn’t
working for me.
Sleeping Beauty, still being carried by Doris, wakes up.
SLEEPING BEAUTY
Everything’s always about you,
isn’t it? It’s not like your
attitude is helping, Snow.
SNOW WHITE
Well maybe it just bothers you that
I was voted fairest in the land.
RAPUNZEL
You mean in that rigged election?
SNOW WHITE
Oh, give me a break.
(gesturing toward hair)
(MORE)
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 70.
SNOW WHITE (cont’d)
«Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down thy
golden extensions!»
QUEEN
Ladies, let go of your petty
complaints and let’s work together.
Snow White and Rapunzel share an indignant look.
Fiona travels deeper into the catacombs. The other
Princesses follow.
SNOW WHITE
So I guess the plan is we just
wander aimlessly in this stink hole
until we rot.
FIONA
No, we’re gonna get inside and find
out what Charming’s up to.
DORIS
I know he’s a jerk and everything,
but I gotta admit, that Charming
makes me hotter than July.
SLEEPING BEAUTY
Ew.
RAPUNZEL
Ugh.
Finally, Fiona spots what she was looking for.
FIONA
That’s it.
Fiona, Queen Lillian, and the Princesses run towards a long ladder
and climb up through a grate into the main castle courtyard.
EXT. CASTLE GROUNDS — CONTINUOUS
They peer around a corner and see the construction of an
outdoor theater is underway. Two stagehands walk by carrying
a large dragon set piece. Evil dwarves are busy painting the
set. The finishing touches are put on the stage tower.
The Princesses hug the wall as a group of guards march by.
Rapunzel takes off in the other direction, and signals the
Princesses to follow her.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 71.
RAPUNZEL
Come on, this way.
FIONA
Rapunzel. Wait.
Fiona and the Princesses race after Rapunzel. They spot her
sprinting into the castle and follow her. They burst through
the doors and see Prince Charming holding Rapunzel by the
arm.
FIONA
Charming, let go of her.
A large group of armed Far Far Away Guards surround them.
Prince Charming smiles at Fiona.
PRINCE CHARMING
But why would I want to do that?
RAPUNZEL
Grrrr.
PRINCE CHARMING
Woof.
He looks back at Rapunzel lovingly, and the two share a long
kiss. Fiona and the other Princesses are shocked.
FIONA
What?
PRINCE CHARMING
Say hello ladies, to the new Queen
of Far Far Away.
Cinderella claps excitedly.
CINDERELLA
Yaaaaaaaaay.
The Princesses stare her down.
FIONA
Rapunzel, how could you?
RAPUNZEL
Jealous much?
Prince Charming eyes up the Princesses.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 72.
PRINCE CHARMING
Soon you’ll be back where you
started… scrubbing floors or
locked away in towers; that is, if
I let you last the week.
RAPUNZEL
But Pooky, you promised you
wouldn’t hurt them.
PRINCE CHARMING
Not here, «kitten whiskers.» Daddy
will discuss it later. Now forgive
us, we have a show to put on.
FIONA
Shrek will be back soon Charming,
and you’ll be sorry.
He stops and flashes a sadistic smile.
PRINCE CHARMING
Sorry? Don’t you realize —once
Shrek sets foot in Far Far Away
he’s doomed?
Prince Charming leads Rapunzel out. She looks back at them
apologetically. Everyone wears a look of defeat.
The guards march them off.
Fiona and the princesses are locked away in a prison cell.
Fiona looks through the bars of the cell, feeling helpless.
CUT TO:
EXT. WOODS OUTSIDE OF FAR FAR AWAY — DAY
Shrek startles awake. He sits up and scratches his head,
looking around. He realizes it’s morning.
Behind him a peaceful bird lands on a tree branch. Suddenly,
the tree branch that was holding the bird flicks it off.
Shrek senses the movement behind him and turns around to find
everything is normal. He turns back around to wake up
everyone.
The trees start to advance toward Shrek.
The log Artie is sleeping on suddenly sits up, knocking
Artie, who is still asleep, to the ground.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 73.
ARTIE
Ow.
The tree turns around to reveal an Evil Tree. Donkey finally
wakes up.
DONKEY
Ahhh.
The Evil Trees continue to advance. A piano is heard. The
trees part and Hook is revealed to be playing the piano.
The music builds to a dramatic finale. Captain Hook turns
away from his keys and faces them.
DONKEY
Look out. They’ve got a piano.
CAPTAIN HOOK
Kill ’em all. Except the fat one.
He stares hard at Shrek and aims his hooked prosthetic.
CAPTAIN HOOK
King Charming has something special
in mind for you, ogre.
Shrek is perplexed.
SHREK
«King Charming?»
CAPTAIN HOOK
Attack.
Pirates charge forward, swinging in from the tree branches.
PIRATES
Aaaargh.
One lands and gets his peg-leg stuck in the ground.
The pirates close in. Shrek grabs one and throws him to the
side.
One pirate raises his sword and prepares to swing at Artie.
SHREK
Artie, Duck.
Shrek pushes Artie’s head down and the sword narrowly misses
him. The pirate prepares to swing again and Shrek lifts
Artie above his head.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 74.
Still in the air, Artie uses both legs to kick the pirate to
the ground. Shrek and Artie share a satisfied look.
A pirate charges Donkey.
DONKEY
Ahhh.
Puss draws his sword and begins fighting off the pirate,
protecting Donkey.
CAPTAIN HOOK
Ha-ha. Argh.
PIRATES
Argh. Argh.
The camera pans across the back of the piano to reveal Merlin
happily playing along with Captain Hook. He notices and
rudely elbows Merlin out of the way.
A pirate runs at Shrek, only to be tripped by Artie. The
pirate bounces off Shrek’s belly.
CAPTAIN HOOK
Ready the plank.
A wooden board is thrown on a stump, creating a makeshift
«plank.» The pirates back Shrek onto the plank.
Several pirates with swords force Shrek onto the plank. He
is backed up to the edge of the plank and falls into a
waiting treasure chest below. Several pirates try to shut the
lid on him.
Puss, Donkey and Artie are trying to hold off the Villains.
Suddenly, two Evil Trees come into frame and scoop Puss,
Donkey and Artie up in a net.
The pirates aim the cannon at Puss, Donkey and Artie. Artie
starts to panic. Puss extracts his claws and tries to cut
through the netting.
The cannon fuse is lit.
Shrek bursts open the treasure chest and stands up with the
chest still stuck to his behind.
DONKEY
Shrek.
ARTIE
Help.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 75.
Shrek sees the lit fuse and quickly formulates a plan. He
grabs two pirates and shoves them into the treasure chest.
He tosses the chest onto the other end of the plank and
catapults himself over to the cannon. At the last second,
Shrek is able to aim the cannon in the opposite direction.
The cannon fires and hits Captain Hook’s piano, blowing it
into pieces.
Realizing their defeat, the Evil Trees drop the netting that
holds Donkey, Puss and Artie. The Evil Trees and Pirates
take off running.
Captain Hook turns and sees his army running off. He shakes
his hook in the air.
CAPTAIN HOOK
Ya cowards.
SHREK
What has Charming done with Fiona?
CAPTAIN HOOK
She’s gonna get what’s coming to
her.
He raises his hook threateningly but it gets caught on an
Evil Tree’s branch and is dragged away with the rest of the
Villains.
CAPTAIN HOOK
Ahhh.
(YELLING BACK)
And there ain’t nothing you can do
to stop him.
TIGHT ON SHREK, filled with worry. Nothing else matters to
him now.
Artie, Puss, and Donkey run over to Shrek.
PUSS
We’ve got to save her.
DONKEY
But she’s so far far away.
Shrek thinks for a moment.
SHREK
Get yourself back to
Worcestershire, kid.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 76.
ARTIE
No, Shrek. Hold on a second. I’ve
got an idea.
EXT. MERLIN’S CAMP — CONTINUOUS
Merlin is sitting cross-legged, deep in meditation. Artie
approaches him.
MERLIN
(CHANTING)
I’m a buzzing bee, buzz, buzz,
buzz…
ARTIE
Mr. Merlin, they need a spell to
get them…I mean, us, back to Far
Far Away.
Merlin stops meditating and looks out of the corner of his
eye at Artie.
MERLIN
(GETTING UP)
Forget it. I don’t have that kind
of magic in me anymore, kid. How
about a hug instead? Hmm? That’s
the best kind of magic.
Artie tries a new approach.
ARTIE
Mr. Merlin please. I know you can
DO IT-
MERLIN
I said, forget it.
ARTIE
BUT-
Merlin turns and starts to walk away muttering under his
breath.
MERLIN (CONT’D)
Mumble, grumble, interrupt my
healing. Mumble, mumble.
Artie thinks for a moment, staring at Merlin. Artie starts
to sob. Merlin stops and turns around.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 77.
MERLIN
Oh. What, what’s with you?
Artie continues to cry.
ARTIE
It’s just so hard. You know? They
really need to get back `cause
their kingdom’s in trouble `cause
there’s a really bad man and it’s
just so hard…
Merlin is visibly uncomfortable.
MERLIN
C’mon, take it easy.
Artie’s blubbering becomes frustrated and unpredictable.
ARTIE
No. I don’t think you understand.
There’s a mean person doing mean
things to good people-
SHREK
Oh, have a heart old man.
Artie grabs him, now desperate.
ARTIE
And they really need your help to
get them back. So why won’t you
help them?
MERLIN
Oh.
Artie speaks one last, indecipherable line.
Merlin is stunned. He doesn’t know what to do.
MERLIN
Uh, Okay… I’ll go and get my
things.
Merlin goes into his cave. Artie immediately recovers.
Shrek is impressed.
ARTIE
Piece of cake.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 78.
SHREK
Well, well, well. You want some
eggs with that ham?
Shrek smiles.
Merlin returns holding a spell book.
MERLIN
Now, I am a little rusty, so there
could be some side effects.
DONKEY
Side effects?
MERLIN
Don’t worry, whatever it is, no
matter how excruciatingly painful
it may be, it’ll wear off
eventually… I think.
Merlin cracks his knuckles. A bolt of lighting shoots out
his hands and blows up a rock next to Donkey.
DONKEY
Ah.
MERLIN
Oops.
Donkey and Puss shoot Shrek a pleading look.
DONKEY
Are you sure this is a good idea?
SHREK
Look, if Artie trusts him, that’s
good enough for me. Even if his
robe doesn’t quite cover his-
MERLIN
Alacraticious expeditious, a zoomy
zoom zoom. Let’s help our friends
get back, um… soon.
Magic rays shoot out of Merlin’s fingers. Shrek, Puss,
Donkey and Artie disappear in a puff of smoke.
MERLIN
Woah. It worked.
CUT TO:
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 79.
EXT. SOMEWHERE IN THE WOODS — CONTINUOUS
They reappear and fall out of the sky and bounce through the
canopy of a large apple tree. They ping-pong through the
foliage and land in a heap at the base of the tree.
DONKEY
(moan and groan)
Donkey adjusts himself, feeling hung over.
DONKEY (CONT’D)
(in Puss’ body)
Oh man, I haven’t been on a trip
like that since college.
SHREK
Donkey?
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
What? Is there something in my
teeth?
Donkey’s eyes widen. He realizes his voice is coming out of
Puss’ body.
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
Huh? What the?
(GASP)
Oh no.
Donkey (in Puss’ body) grabs Puss’ hat. He looks down at
Puss’ boots. His tail begins to twitch.
DONKEY (CONT’D)
(in Puss’ body)
I’ve been abracadabra’d into a
fancy feasting second rate
sidekick.
Puss (in Donkey’s body) falls from a tree next to Donkey (in
Puss’ body).
PUSS
(in Donkey’s body)
At least you don’t look like some
kind of bloated roadside piñata.
You really should think about going
on a diet.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 80.
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
Yeah, and you should think about
getting yourself a pair of pants.
I feel all exposed and nasty.
Both Shrek and Artie stare at them. A strained smile pasted
to their faces. They burst out laughing.
Donkey joins Puss, both of them scowling.
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
Oh, so you two think this is funny?
Puss is fuming.
Shrek and Artie regain their composure.
ARTIE
(SNICKERS)
I’m really sorry guys.
SHREK
Don’t be. You got us back kid.
Shrek motions to Far Far Away, just a few miles ahead of
them. He turns back to Artie.
Artie smiles.
Donkey takes a few awkward steps in Puss’ body.
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. How in the
Hans Christian Andersen am I
supposed to parade around in these
goofy boots?
PUSS
Be very careful with those — HEE
HAW.
Puss is shocked by this. He tries to recover.
PUSS
They were made in Madrid by the
finest- HEE HAW.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 81.
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
Oh, you’ll learn to control that.
TIME CUT TO:
EXT. ENTRANCE TO FAR FAR AWAY — AFTERNOON
Shrek, Puss (in Donkey’s body), and Artie rush past a welcome
sign to the town that has been boarded over so it now reads
«Go Go Away.»
Donkey (in Puss’ body) struggles to walk. His tender new
feet hurt in their tiny boots.
DONKEY
Seriously man, you need some
comfort inserts or arch supports or
something.
(noticing Rodeo Drive)
Woah.
Inside the kingdom, Rodeo Drive is trashed. There is graffiti
everywhere.
Suddenly a carriage driven by Evil Witches comes zooming down
Rodeo Drive.
EVIL WITCHES
Woohoo.
The carriage zips around a corner on two wheels. A drunken
Evil Dwarf is almost hit by the carriage while crossing the
street.
Shrek is shocked by what he sees.
A crash is heard off-screen.
EVIL DWARF #1
Hey… watch it I’m walking here…
and I’m gonna keep going…
A large explosion is heard off-screen while Little Red Riding
Hood pick pockets the Evil Dwarf.
A carriage wheel on fire rolls by a marionette theatre with
Pinocchio dancing in it.
SHREK
Pinocchio?
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 82.
PINOCCHIO
Shrek.
Shrek and the rest rush over as the curtain starts to go down
on Pinocchio. He presses his puppet hands against the glass.
SHREK
Pinocchio.
PINOCCHIO
Help me.
SHREK
What happened?
PINOCCHIO
Charming and the Villains have
taken over everything. They
attacked us but Fiona and the
Princesses got away. And now she’s-
—
The time has run out. The cheesy music stops as the curtain
goes down.
SHREK
She’s what? She’s what?
Shrek looks at the marionette theatre and sees how much it
costs per show.
SHREK
(turns to Puss in Donkey’s
BODY)
Puss, loan me five bucks.
DONKEY
C’mon Puss, you heard the man, help
a brother out.
PUSS
(in Donkey’s body)
Do you see any pockets on me?
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
Hold on a second.
Donkey (in Puss’ body) removes his boot, he turns it over and
a bag of money falls onto the ground.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 83.
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
Aha.
Donkey (in Puss’ body) tosses the money to Shrek.
PUSS
(in Donkey’s body)
I had no idea …really …I swear.
Shrek quickly dumps the change into the machine. The music
starts and the curtain goes up again and Pinocchio dances.
SHREK
Quick, Pinocchio. Where is Fiona?
PINOCCHIO
Charming’s got her locked away some
place secret. You gotta find him.
He’s probably getting ready for the
SHOWWWW—
The curtain goes down again.
SHREK
Wait, wait, wait Pinocchio. What
show?
Pinocchio’s hand comes out from under the curtain and points
to a poster on the wall. Puss reads the poster out loud.
PUSS
(reading the poster)
It’s A Happily Ever After, After
All.
SHREK
Shrek’s final performance.
The picture shows Charming, sword raised in the air, with his
foot pinning Shrek, tongue sticking out of his mouth, to the
ground.
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
Whoa, Shrek. You didn’t tell us
you were in a play.
SHREK
Well I guess I’ve been so busy I
forgot to mention it.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 84.
GUARD #1 (O.S.)
It’s the ogre. Get him.
Shrek turns and sees a large group of Charming’s royal
knights, armed and ready. They drive them back into the
alley. Puss (in Donkey’s body) steps forward.
PUSS
(in Donkey’s body)
Don’t worry, Jefe. I got this.
He whips his head towards the oncoming guards. His eyes are
large and sweet. His lips pout. The guards are momentarily
hypnotized by his cuteness, until they realize they’re
staring at a donkey.
The guards recoil.
GUARD #2
Ugh. Kill it.
Puss (in Donkey’s body) immediately retreats.
Artie glances at the theater poster on the wall and steps
forward, confronting the guards.
ARTIE
Look, don’t you know who he thinks
he is? How dare you?
Shrek picks up on his plan.
SHREK
Donkey, we’re dealing with
amateurs.
The guards are confused. Artie tears the poster off the
wall. Shrek glances at Artie, who steps forward, yanking the
poster off the wall.
ARTIE
He’s a star people. Hello? I’m so
sorry about this Mr. Shrek.
SHREK
I’m gonna lose it.
ARTIE
I assume you have everything ready
for tonight. You did get the list
for the dressing room?
Donkey marches in.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 85.
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
Yeah, the breakfast croissants
stuffed with seared sashimi tuna.
Oh, and please tell me you at least
have the saffron corn with the
jalapeno honey butter cause our
client cannot get into his proper
emotional state without his
jalapeno honey butter.
SHREK
I just lost it.
GUARD #1
Uh…Maybe they should talk to
Nancy in Human Resources.
Shrek pushes the guards aside and continues on towards the
castle.
PUSS
(in Donkey’s body)
Oh, we’ll have much to say to
Nancy, I promise.
The guards look at each other nervously.
CUT TO:
INT. COURTYARD STAGE — DAY
A group of enchanted trees work on through their dance
number.
Two dwarfs on bungee chords helplessly swing back and forth
in the rear of the stage.
The camera lands on Prince Charming reading his lines next to
a Shrek stand in.
PRINCE CHARMING
(reading his lines from a
SCRIPT)
With this sword, I do- No.
He starts the line over.
PRINCE CHARMING
With this sword, I do smote thee.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 86.
Without looking, Prince Charming stabs the stand in, who
falls to the ground.
PRINCE CHARMING
(TO HIMSELF) )
Is that the right word? «Smote?»
«Smooote.» Is that even a word
actually? Maybe I should just
smite him.
Unseen stage hands drag the stand-in away.
PRINCE CHARMING
Let’s try this again. Now…
Stagehands shove another stand in onto the stage beside
Prince Charming.
PRINCE CHARMING
(playing the scene out
QUIETLY)
Shrek attacks me, I pretend to be
afraid.
(he fake screams)
Ooh…
Prince Charming does a quick mime of being afraid and
chuckles.
PRINCE CHARMING
I say…
(he riffles through pages)
«Finally the Kingdom will get the
happily ever after they deserve,
die Ogre», blah, blah, blah…
Without looking he stabs stand in #2. He falls to the ground.
Prince Charming is still frustrated.
PRINCE CHARMING
Oh. It just doesn’t feel real
enough yet.
He throws the sword to the ground and turns toward the
dancing villains who are staring at him.
PRINCE CHARMING
Who told you to stop dancing?
CYCLOPS
Uh… Wink and turn, wink and turn.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 87.
He throws the script on the ground and notices the stand-in.
PRINCE CHARMING
And what are you laying around for?
Get up. Honestly.
Prince Charming storms off.
CUT TO:
INT. CHARMING’S DRESSING ROOM — MOMENTS LATER
Prince Charming storms into his colossal gold leafed dressing
room, its walls covered with posters of inspirational sayings
and portraits of Prince Charming in different acting roles.
Slamming the door, he plops down in his throne chair in front
of a dressing table and large 3-way mirror. A statuette of
his mother is on the vanity. He looks at it intently.
PRINCE CHARMING
Our happily ever after is nearly
complete, mummy. And I assure you,
the people of this kingdom will pay
dearly for every second we’ve had
to wait.
Charming adjusts the mirror, revealing a reflection of Shrek
standing in the doorway. Artie, Puss and Donkey stand along
side him.
Prince Charming quickly stands up and faces Shrek.
SHREK
Break a leg. Or, on second
thought, let me break it for you.
He walks across the room as Prince Charming backs against his
dressing table.
Prince Charming fumbles behind his back and pushes a button
under the counter.
PRINCE CHARMING
Thank goodness you’re here. I was
beginning to think you might not
make it back in… time.
Shrek picks him up by the front of his shirt and scowls.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 88.
SHREK
Where’s Fiona?
PRINCE CHARMING
Don’t worry. She and the others
are safe. For now.
Shrek strengthens his grip.
Suddenly, a group of guards burst into the room and quickly
surround Shrek, Artie, Puss and Donkey.
ARTIE
Ow.
Prince Charming smiles.
Shrek looks around and realizes he’s beat. He drops Charming
with a thud.
Prince Charming brushes himself off as the guards surround
Shrek.
Prince Charming walks over to Artie. A smile grows across
his face.
PRINCE CHARMING
Let me guess… Arthur?
Artie looks indignant. He raises himself up.
ARTIE
It’s Artie, actually.
PRINCE CHARMING
This boy is supposed to be the new
King of Far Far Away?
Laughing, Prince Charming draws his sword and holds it up to
Artie’s neck.
PRINCE CHARMING
How pathetic. Now, stand still so I
won’t make a mess.
Shrek steps in.
SHREK
Charming, stop. I’m here now, you
got what you wanted. This isn’t
about him.
Artie is confused.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 89.
ARTIE
Then who’s it about? I’m supposed
to be King, right?
Shrek hesitates and then gathers himself.
SHREK
You weren’t really next in line for
the throne, okay? I was.
ARTIE
But you said the King asked for me
personally.
SHREK
Not exactly.
ARTIE
What’s that supposed to mean?
Shrek becomes defensive.
SHREK
Look, I said whatever I had to say,
alright. I wasn’t right for the
job, I just needed some fool to
replace me, and you fit the bill.
So just go.
Artie is stunned.
ARTIE
You were playing me the whole time.
Shrek fights back tears as he punishes Artie more.
SHREK
You catch on real fast kid… Maybe
you’re not as big of a loser as I
thought.
Puss (in Donkey’s body) is about to interject when Donkey (in
Puss’ body) covers his mouth and signals him to stay quiet.
ARTIE
You know, for a minute there, I
actually thought you —
PRINCE CHARMING
What? That he cared about you? He’s
an ogre. What did you expect?
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 90.
Prince Charming signals the guards to release Artie. He
stares at Shrek one last time and heads out.
Shrek lowers his head in shame.
PRINCE CHARMING
You really do have a way with
children, Shrek.
Prince Charming smiles and the guards lead Shrek off.
INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE CHARMING’S DRESSING ROOM:
Shrek is led by the guards down the hallway.
EXT. CASTLE GATE:
The scene cross-dissolves to Artie’s back as he walks away
from the castle. He gives one last look back, and angrily
storms away.
INT. DUNGEON:
Shrek’s ankles and wrists are shackled. Shrek pulls on his
chains. He sadly looks out the cell window.
INT. PRISON:
The scene cross-dissolves to another prison window. Fiona
comes to the window of her prison cell. She stares
sorrowfully at the castle in the distance.
INT. FAR FAR AWAY PRISON CELL — DAY
All of the Princesses, Queen Lillian and Fiona are locked up in
the same prison cell.
Cinderella is frantically scrubbing a spot on the floor to a
shine.
Fiona looks out the cell window towards the castle in the
distance. Behind her, Snow White paces around, complaining.
SNOW WHITE
Had we just stayed put like I
suggested, we could be sipping tea
out of little heart-shaped cups…
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 91.
CINDERELLA
Yeah… yeah, heart shaped cups.
SNOW WHITE
Eating crumpets smothered with
loganberries.
CINDERELLA
Yeah… loganberries.
SNOW WHITE
Shut up Cindy.
CINDERELLA
Yeah, shut up.
Cinderella looks down at her reflection in the floor.
CINDERELLA (REFLECTION)
No. You shut up.
CINDERELLA
Just stay out of this.
SNOW WHITE
Who cares who’s running the kingdom
anyway?
FIONA
I care.
Fiona steps forward and challenges them.
QUEEN
And you should all care too.
Suddenly, the cell door flies open. Donkey and Puss (in each
other’s bodies) are tossed in as the door is slammed behind
them.
PUSS
(in Donkey’s body)
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
Yeah, and I have your badge number,
«TIN CAN-»
Puss, in Donkey’s body, hisses and arches his back like a
cat.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 92.
FIONA (O.S.)
Donkey?
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
Princess?
FIONA
Puss?
PUSS
(in Donkey’s body)
Lo siento, Princessa, but I am
Puss, stuck here inside this
hideous body.
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
And I’m me.
FIONA
BUT YOU’RE-
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
I know, I know. Everything’s a
little fruity in the loops right
now. But what happened is, we went
to high school, the boat crashed,
and we got «bippity-bopity-booped»
by the «Magic Man.»
DORIS
You poor sweet things.
CINDERELLA
I don’t get it.
SNOW WHITE
The cat turned into a little horse
that smells like feet. What’s to
get?
SLEEPING BEAUTY
(WAKING UP)
Huh? Who dat?
FIONA
Where’s Shrek?
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 93.
DONKEY
Charming’s got him, Princess. And
he plans on killing Shrek tonight
in front of the whole kingdom.
Fiona’s lets out a breath.
FIONA
Alright everyone, we need to find a
way out, now.
The Princesses nod in agreement.
SNOW WHITE
You’re right.
(to the other Princesses)
Ladies, assume the position!
Sleeping Beauty falls asleep standing up. Snow White quickly
assumes her position by lying down and puckering her lips.
Cinderella dusts off a spot, sits down and crosses her legs.
FIONA
What are you doing?
SLEEPING BEAUTY
Waiting to be rescued.
FIONA
You have got to be kidding me.
SNOW WHITE
Well, what do you expect us to do?
We’re just four…
(NOTICES DORIS)
I mean, three, super hot
princesses, two circus freaks, a
pregnant ogre and an old lady.
Queen Lillian smiles and then casually walks by the Princesses.
QUEEN LILLIAN
Hmmm. Excuse me. Old lady coming
through.
She walks right up to the brick wall, takes a deep breath and
lets out a yell.
QUEEN LILLIAN
Hiiiyyyiiiaaaah.
She head-butts a hole right through the brick wall. Fiona
and the Princesses are impressed.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 94.
PRINCESSES/PUSS/DONKEY
Whoa.
FIONA
Mom?
QUEEN LILLIAN
Well, you didn’t actually think you
got your fighting skills from your
father, did you?
Fiona beams at her mother and then turns to the Princesses.
Snow White points to another wall behind them.
SNOW WHITE
Excuse me, I think there’s still
one more.
Queen Lillian turns and sees the another wall barring their way.
QUEEN LILLIAN
Hmmmm.
Queen Lillian hurries to the other wall.
QUEEN LILLIAN
Hiiiiyah.
It crumbles, revealing the outside. The princesses wince.
Fiona approaches her mother.
Queen Lillian turns around, this time a little woozy, singing
softly to herself.
FIONA
Why don’t you just lie down?
Queen Lillian continues to sing to herself as she walks away.
Fiona turns to the others.
FIONA
Okay girls, from here on out, we’re
gonna take care of business
ourselves.
Snow thinks for a moment and then glances at the other
Princesses. They nod.
Snow looks determined. She rips off a sleeve, revealing a
Dopey tattoo.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 95.
Sleeping Beauty tears the bottom of her dress.
The Queen puts lipstick smudges under her eyes (a la a
football player).
Cinderella sharpens the heal of her glass slipper.
Doris burns her bra.
The Princesses place their hands over Fiona’s. Puss and
Donkey’s hands come in last.
CUT TO:
EXT. COURTYARD STAGE — CONTINUOUS
Captain Hook replaces his «hook» appendage with a «baton» and
taps it on the score in front of him.
ANNOUNCER
Ladies and gentlemen. The Far Far
Away Theatre at the Charming
Pavilion is proud to present: «It’s
a Happily Ever After, After All.»
The camera pulls back from a playbill that reads: «It’s a
Happily Ever After, After All — Starring Prince Charming as
himself.»
Two intimidating Evil Knights are handing out the playbills
and are using spears to usher people into their seats.
EVIL KNIGHT #1
Enjoy your evening of theatrical
reverie, citizen. Oy. No food or
beverages in the theatre. Hey.
The orchestra begins to warm up.
EXT. STAGE
The camera follows Rumplestiltskin as he hurries from the
stage to backstage.
INT. BENEATH THE STAGE — NIGHT
SHREK stands atop a wooden platform, like a beaten man.
Cyclops is binding his arms and legs with heavy chains
attached to the floor.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 96.
He pulls the chains tight.
SHREK
Oww, easy.
CYCLOPS
Sorry. I guess I was just showing
off for the little one.
SHREK
Huh?
CYCLOPS
It’s «Bring your kids to work day.»
C’mere beautiful.
Cyclops motions to the shadows.
CYCLOPS’ DAUGHTER walks out from the shadows. She looks like
Cyclops with long hair and skirt.
Shrek recoils.
SHREK
Well… she’s got your eye.
Cyclops picks her up and embraces her.
CYCLOPS
Who woulda thought a monster like
me deserves something as special as
you?
They touch foreheads affectionately.
Shrek looks at the two of them and then gets a determined
look on his face.
CUT TO:
EXT. CASTLE GARDENS
The camera booms down into some trees just outside of the
castle. Fiona and the Princesses appear behind a log. Two
Evil Trees guard the castle gate. Fiona uses a duck call to
signal Snow White. She skips down the path toward a side
entrance, where two Evil Trees are standing guard. Snow
White stops in front of them, singing our version of: «Animal
Friends/With A Smile.»
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 97.
SNOW WHITE (O.S.)
(SINGING)
«Ahh ha ha ha ha haa.»
The birds answer her in song.
SNOW WHITE
(SINGING)
«Ahh ha ha ha haa.»
The birds answer again.
SNOW WHITE
(SINGING)
«Ha ha ha ha haaaa.
Little birdies take wing,
flitting down from the trees they
appear, and to chirp in my ear.»
All the forest creatures flock to her.
SNOW WHITE
(SINGING)
«All because I sing.
Ahh ha ha ha ha haaa.»
More forest creatures flock to Snow White.
SNOW WHITE
(SINGING)
«Ahh ha ha ha ha haaa.»
The Evil Trees stare in amazement.
SNOW WHITE
(SINGING)
«Ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaa.»
Suddenly Snow White’s face changes. She transitions into Led
Zeppelin’s «Immigrant Song.»
SNOW WHITE
Ahhaha. Ahhaha.
All the animals turn and attack the trees. Fiona and the
Princesses charge forward.
FIONA
Move it. Go go go.
CUT TO:
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 98.
EXT. FAR FAR AWAY ZOO — CONTINUOUS
Donkey and Puss (in each other’s bodies) run through front
gates of the Far Far Away Zoo.
The Dronkeys are held captive in the zoo. Donkey (in Puss’
body) busts open their cage.
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
My babies.
The Dronkeys fly over to Puss (in Donkey’s body) and hug him.
PUSS
(in Donkey’s body)
Help. Ow.
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
Hey.
CUT TO:
EXT. CASTLE GARDENS — CONTINUOUS
The Princesses run toward the castle. Doris punches through
the lock to open the gates.
As they enter the castle grounds, a group of guards runs
towards them. Cinderella takes out a couple of them with her
boomerang crystal slipper. Sleeping Beauty falls to the
ground, asleep. The guards trip over her body.
Doris runs up to the foot of a canopy and takes a knee. The
Princesses use Doris as a step to leap onto the canopy and
over the castle wall.
CUT TO:
EXT. RODEO DRIVE — CONTINUOUS
Donkey and Puss (in each other’s bodies) break Pinocchio out
of his marionette theatre.
CUT TO:
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 99.
EXT. BAKERY — MOMENTS LATER
Gingerbread Man is locked inside a bakery display case.
Donkey and Puss arrive (in each other’s bodies). Donkey (in
Puss’ body) awkwardly tries to cut the glass open with his
claws. Puss (in Donkey’s body) intervenes, quickly bashing a
hoof through the glass. They pull Gingerbread Man out of the
case.
CUT TO:
EXT. CASTLE ROOFTOP — CONTINUOUS
Fiona leads the Princesses and Queen, as they stealthily
creep along the rooftop.
CUT TO:
EXT. CASTLE ROOFTOP — CONTINUOUS
Fiona peers around a corner and sees two guards blocking
their path. She gets an idea.
The Guards turn around to find a leg sticking out. They
«ooh» and «aah» as they approach the leg. The camera pans up
to reveal Doris.
DORIS
Hey. How’s it going?
She kicks the guards to the ground, and they take off
running.
CUT TO:
EXT. FAR, FAR AWAY CASTLE- LATER
Donkey, Puss, (still in each other’s bodies) and the rescued
Fairy Tale Creatures run toward the castle.
Donkey and Puss peek out from behind a bush.
PUSS
(in Donkey’s body)
«O» to the «K.» The coast has
cleared.
Donkey turns to address the Fairy Tale Creatures behind him.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 100.
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
All right people, let’s do this
thing. Go Team Dy-No-Mite.
PINOCCHIO
I thought we agreed we would go by
the name of «Team Super Cool.»
GINGERBREAD MAN
As I recall it was «Team Awesome.»
WOLF
I voted for «Team Alpha Wolf
Squadron.»
DONKEY
Alright. Alright. Alright. From
henceforth we are to be known as
«Team Alpha Super Awesome Cool
Dynomite Wolf Squadron.»
The Three Pigs notice something.
PIG #1
Ach to Lieber. There is some
strange little girl over there
staring at us.
Donkey, in Puss’ body, turns to look. Artie is staring at
the strange crew.
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
Artie.
Artie turns and walks away. Puss, in Donkey’s body, runs to
stop him.
PUSS
(in Donkey’s body)
Wait, wait, wait, wait wait. Hey.
Where is the fire, Senor?
Artie pushes Puss (in Donkey’s body) out of the way.
ARTIE
Oh please, don’t act so innocent.
You both knew what was going on the
whole time and you kept it to
yourself.
Artie starts to storm away.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 101.
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
Artie, it’s not like it seems.
ARTIE
It’s not? I think it seems pretty
clear. He was using me. That’s
all there is to it.
Artie starts to walk off.
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
Using you? Man, you really don’t
get it.
PUSS
(in Donkey’s body)
Shrek only said those things to
protect you.
This stops Artie in his tracks.
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
Charming was going to kill you
Artie. Shrek saved your life.
Artie realizes the truth and is suddenly concerned for his
friend.
CUT TO:
EXT. COURTYARD STAGE
The lights dim.
The curtain rises.
INT. BACKSTAGE — CONTINUOUS
Rumplestiltskin orders for the spotlight.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN
Cue the spot.
EXT. COURTYARD STAGE — CONTINUOUS
A spotlight comes up on Rapunzel, singing in a tower while
the Fairy-tale Villains play their roles below.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 102.
RAPUNZEL
(SINGING)
«I wait alone up here.
I’m trapped another day.
Locked up here — please set me
free.
My new life I almost see,
A castle, you and me.
Yes, a castle you and me…»
Audience members look at each other in confusion; is this
crap for real?
Raul, the make-up artist, cries in the audience.
From the audience a knight holds up a candle.
Up in the rafters, Rumplestiltskin cues the Cherubs.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN
Cherubs.
The Cherubs (Evil Dwarves) are lowered onto the stage by a
rope and pulley system.
A spotlight appears on stage. From underneath the stage a
clamshell rises and opens to reveal Prince Charming on
horseback.
PRINCE CHARMING
(SINGING)
«Tis I. Tis I.
Upon my regal steed.
Princess, my love,
at last you shall be freed.»
The Cherubs drop rose petals onto Prince Charming and the
clamshell. Prince Charming and his steed, Chauncey, jump out
of the clamshell.
PRINCE CHARMING
(SINGING)
«I’m strong and brave,
and dashing my way there.
With speed. With might.
With soft and bouncy hair.»
Prince Charming begins to make his way over to the tower.
PRINCE CHARMING
(SINGING)
«Through the blistering desert…»
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 103.
Prince Charming chops the head off of the flying griffin
puppet.
EVIL TREES
(SINGING)
«Hot.»
Prince Charming dismounts, casually chops the head off of the
sea serpent and crosses the sea.
PRINCE CHARMING
(SINGING)
«Across the stormiest sea.»
EVIL DWARFS
(SINGING)
«Wet.»
He makes his way to dry land. He weaves in and out of the
Evil Trees, who are playing the part of a forest.
PRINCE CHARMING
(SINGING)
«Facing creatures so vile.»
FAIRY-TALE VILLAINS
(SINGING)
«Foul.»
He casually cuts off the head of a wooden cut-out reindeer
and shoves a villain in a bear costume out of the way.
PRINCE CHARMING
(SINGING)
«So you can gaze upon me.»
Prince Charming has made his way up the stairs at the bottom
of Rapunzel’s tower.
RAPUNZEL
(SINGING)
«I knew you’d come for me.
And now we finally meet.»
PRINCE CHARMING
(SINGING)
«I knew you’d wait.
And from my plate of love you’d
eat.»
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 104.
There is a loud flash and a loud growling is piped through
the sound system and flares go off as a trap door opens in
the stage floor. Prince Charming hams it up for the
audience, putting his hand to his ear.
INT. BACKSTAGE — CONTINUOUS
Rumplestiltskin cues Mabel.
Mabel is growling through a megaphone backstage.
MABEL
Roar. Roar.
Three Evil Witches turn a lever and an Evil Dwarf blows some
steam with a billow.
EXT. COURTYARD STAGE — CONTINUOUS
A large, imposing shadow grows onstage. The silhouette
fades, revealing a shackled Shrek on stage. He pulls at his
chains as he notes the audience and views the spectacle
before him.
INT. AUDIENCE — CONTINUOUS
A crowd of fans, with «SHREK» written on their stomachs,
cheer. One of the fans is hit with an arrow. They promptly
sit down.
PRINCE CHARMING
(SINGING)
«Who is this terrible ugly fiend
who so rudely intervened?»
Pirates and Evil Knights dance in from the wings.
FAIRY-TALE VILLAINS
(SINGING)
«Will Charming fight? Or will he
flee?»
RAPUNZEL
(SINGING)
«Oh please, rescue me.»
FAIRY-TALE VILLAINS
(SINGING)
«From this monstrosity.»
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 105.
Prince Charming takes a dramatic pause and sings in an ultra-
high voice of a castrato.
PRINCE CHARMING
(SINGING)
«Fear thee not Honey Lamb.
I will slice this thing up like a
HAM.»
SHREK
Oh boy.
Prince Charming relishes the moment, pulling out his sword
and aiming it at Shrek’s chest. Prince Charming’s voice
climbs even higher.
PRINCE CHARMING
You are about to enter
a world of pain with which you are
Not-
(SINGING)
«Familiaaaaaaar.»
He holds the last, highest note. Shrek winces. Goblets, eye
glasses, a glass tiara and glass pearls all break in the
audience.
Prince Charming smiles. Shrek looks at him with contempt.
SHREK
Well it can’t be anymore painful
than the lousy performance you’re
giving.
The audience laughs at Shrek’s remark. Prince Charming is
thrown by their reaction.
From a trap door underneath the stage Rumplestiltskin tries
to help Prince Charming out by feeding him his next line.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN
«Prepare foul beast.»
He clears his throat and tries to get back into character.
PRINCE CHARMING
(SINGING)
«Prepare foul beast, your time is
done.»
SHREK
Oooh, if you don’t mind could you
kill me, and then sing?
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 106.
The audience laughs. Prince Charming gets in Shrek’s face.
PRINCE CHARMING
Be quiet.
SHREK
Oh, come on, I’m just havin’ fun
with ya. That’s actually a very
nice leotard.
PRINCE CHARMING
Thank you.
SHREK
Do they come in men’s sizes?
The audience laughs again.
HOOK
He, he. Now that be funny.
The crowd laughs again. Shrek smiles, enjoying how he’s
screwing up the show. Prince Charming is furious.
PRINCE CHARMING
Enough.
The crowd falls silent.
Prince Charming turns back to Shrek.
PRINCE CHARMING
Now you’ll finally know what it’s
like to have everything you’ve
worked for, everything that’s
precious to you taken away.
Prince Charming raises his sword.
PRINCE CHARMING (CONT’D)
Now you’ll know how I felt.
Suddenly a fireball hits the blade, melting it.
PRINCE CHARMING
Ahhhhh.
Another huge fireball spreads across the sky as Dragon flies
above the theater. The Dronkeys follow behind her.
DRAGON
Roar.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 107.
The Three Pigs come running down the aisle.
PIG #1
Sausage Roll.
The Three Pigs leap onto the stage, going into a drop and
roll move to land in between Shrek and Prince Charming. They
strike a fighting pose.
Pinocchio comes flying in on his strings, landing with a
flurry of kung-fu hands.
The Wolf unzips the wolf costume, steps out and joins the
others.
WOLF
Arg.
Gingerbread Man pops up in the tower window, grabs Rapunzel’s
hair and swings down. Before he hits the ground, the end
catches and he bounces like a bungee jumper. Her hair falls
into a pile next to a very surprised Gingerbread Man.
Rapunzel screams. Her mousy brown hair crammed under a hair
net. She runs off crying.
Prince Charming looks around, almost surrounded.
Suddenly a shadow falls over the crowd and they gasp. Dragon
and the Dronkeys fly in and land on the stage.
Puss and Donkey leap off her back to the stage.
DONKEY
(in Puss’s body)
Pray for mercy from…
PUSS
(in Donkey’s body)
…Puss.
He claps his hooves on the stage.
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
And Donkey.
He carves a letter «D» on Pinocchio’s bottom.
PINOCCHIO
(re: his bottom)
Hey.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 108.
Queen Lillilan head-butts through one of the backdrops, with
Sleeping Beauty and Doris. Snow White flies in behind them
with the help of her woodland creatures («Crouching Tiger,
Hidden Dragon» style). Cinderella runs on stage equipped with
a mop as her weapon. Together, the Princesses strike fierce
poses and stand next to Shrek.
The audience applauds.
Suddenly the front door of the «swamp house» set crashes to
the floor, revealing Fiona.
FIONA
Hi honey. Sorry we’re late. You
okay?
SHREK
Much better, now that you’re here.
AUDIENCE
Awwwwwww.
The audience applauds. Shrek turns to Prince Charming
raising his shackled wrists.
SHREK
So Charming, you wanna let me out
of these so we can settle this ogre
to man?
Prince Charming considers this for a second.
PRINCE CHARMING
Oooh, that sounds fun. But I have
a better idea.
Prince Charming strikes an imperious pose and claps his
hands. Cyclops suddenly emerges from the trap door, knocking
Puss and Donkey down. He approaches them menacingly.
The witches fly in and threaten the princesses with their
brooms. The Evil Queen rises up behind Queen Lillian and puts a
knife to her throat.
The Evil Dwarves grab The Three Pigs. Gingerbread Man is
suddenly surrounded by many Evil Knights. He poops out a gum-
ball.
Dragon starts to move forward only to find herself surrounded
by crossbows. A bunch of pirates grab Fiona and tie her up.
SHREK
Fiona.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 109.
FIONA
No. Let go of me.
Shrek struggles to free himself of the chains, but it’s no
use.
Prince Charming’s eyes narrow.
PRINCE CHARMING
You will not ruin things this time
ogre.
(TO VILLAINS)
Kill it.
Prince Charming signals to the villains to attack Shrek. As
the villains advance towards Shrek, a spotlight shines in
their eyes, stopping them in their tracks.
ARTIE
Everybody stop.
PRINCE CHARMING
(EXASPERATED)
Oh, what is it now?
SHREK
Artie?
Artie jumps from the spotlight.
Artie lands clumsily on a hanging cloud.
Artie leaps awkwardly from cloud to cloud. The audience
stares in awe.
After one last leap, he swings down on the Cherub’s cable,
sending the little person up in the air.
Artie lands on the stage in between the Villains and Shrek.
He stands facing the Villains.
ARTIE
Who really thinks we need to settle
things this way?
The Evil Knights think about it and raise their hands. The
other Villains follow suit.
ARTIE
You’re telling me you just want to
be Villains your whole lives?
This gives the Villains pause.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 110.
CAPTAIN HOOK
But we are Villains. It’s the only
thing we know.
ARTIE
Didn’t you ever wish you could be
something else?
The Villains aren’t convinced.
EVIL TREE #2
Well, it’s easy for you to say.
You’re not some evil enchanted
tree.
PRINCE CHARMING
You morons. Don’t listen to him.
ATTACK THEM-
Another Evil Tree covers Prince Charming’s mouth and then
motions to Artie.
EVIL TREE #1
What Steve’s trying to say here is
that it’s hard to come by honest
work when the whole world’s against
you.
EVIL TREE #2
Right, thanks Ed.
ARTIE
Okay, fair enough. You’re right.
I’m not a talking tree. But, ya
know, a good friend of mine once
told me that just because people
treat you like a villain, or an
ogre…
Artie shares a look with Shrek.
ARTIE
… or just some loser…
The Fairy-tale Villains listen intently.
ARTIE (CONT’D)
…it doesn’t mean you are one.
The Evil Tree tightens his grip as Prince Charming struggles
to break free.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 111.
ARTIE (CONT’D)
The thing that matters most is what
you think of yourself.
Artie commands the stage.
ARTIE (CONT’D)
If there’s something you really
want, or there’s someone you really
want to be, then the only person
standing in your way …is you.
Artie points at Rumplestiltskin directly in front of him.
Rumplestiltskin is alarmed.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN
Me?
OTHER PIRATES
Get ‘im lads.
ARTIE
No, no, no! What I mean is: each
of you is standing in your own way.
VILLAINS
Oooooooh.
The Headless Horseman breaks through the crowd.
HEADLESS HORSEMAN
I’ve always wanted to play the
flute.
The Fairy-tale Villains and Creatures look at each other.
The Evil Queen steps up.
EVIL QUEEN
I`d like to open up a spa in
France.
The Villains nod in agreement.
CAPTAIN HOOK
I grow daffodils.
Complete silence as everyone stares at Hook.
CAPTAIN HOOK
And they’re beautiful.
Captain Hook looks thoughtfully at his sword, then throws it
down.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 112.
The pirates throw theirs down, followed by the witches and
Evil Knights. The evil knight holding Pinocchio is thinking
about it when Pinocchio reaches over and takes the ax from
him. The weapons pile up in the middle of the stage. Everyone
else cheers and starts to mingle, introducing themselves and
shaking hands.
Gingerbread Man high fives with an Evil Knight. Fiona is
untied.
Mabel walks up to Doris and lightly punches her on the jaw.
Doris returns the sign of affection by punching Mabel in the
jaw, but a bit too hard, sending her falling to the ground.
Suddenly, Prince Charming kicks himself free of the Evil Tree
and charges them. He grabs a sword from the discard pile and
raises it up, his aim set at Artie.
PRINCE CHARMING
Aaaahhhh.
Despite his fear, Artie faces Prince Charming bravely. As
Prince Charming charges, Shrek finds the strength to break
his chains. Just before Prince Charming strikes, a chain
whips into frame, wrapping around the sword. Shrek pulls
Prince Charming around in a circle, away from Artie. Furious,
he charges Shrek and stabs him with the sword. Charming lets
go and Shrek stumbles back with the weapon impaled in him,
and falls to the floor, groaning.
Prince Charming beams, and laughs. He turns to the audience.
PRINCE CHARMING
A new era finally begins!
The audience cowers.
Shrek looks up smiling and nods at Fiona and Artie.
PRINCE CHARMING
Now, all of you, bow before your
king.
Shrek casually rises up behind him and clears his throat.
SHREK
Ah-hem.
Charming turns around. Shrek lifts his arm revealing that he
was never really stabbed.
SHREK (CONT’D)
You need to work on your aim.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 113.
Charming is stunned.
PRINCE CHARMING
This was supposed to be my happily
ever after.
Prince Charming is paralyzed. Shrek drops the sword and grabs
him by the shirt-front, lifting him off of his feet.
He winces, but is still defiant.
SHREK
Well I guess you need to keep
looking…
Shrek looks at Fiona and at his friends and smiles.
SHREK
…cause I’m not giving up mine.
Shrek sets Prince Charming down and signals DRAGON. She
casually tips the tower over with her tail. A shadow falls
over Prince Charming. He turns and sees the tower falling
toward him, his body perfectly framed up in the princesses’s
window.
PRINCE CHARMING
Mommy?
It crashes down and he’s trapped inside.
As the dust clears, the crown rolls across the stage. Artie
stops it with his foot and slowly picks it up.
SHREK
It’s yours if you want it, you
know, but this time it’s your
choice.
Artie considers it.
He looks at Shrek, who is smiling proudly at him.
Artie turns to the audience and holds out the crown to them.
They cheer him.
Artie places the crown on his head. The crowd goes nuts. In
the audience, Raul sobs with joy.
ALL
Ar-tie. Ar-tie. Ar-tie. Ar-tie.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 114.
Everybody cheers as the Fairy-tale Creatures and Villains put
Artie up on their shoulders and carry him off. Donkey and
Puss, still in each other’s bodies, watch as Artie gets
carried away.
In a puff of smoke, Merlin suddenly appears. He looks around
confused, clutching his show ticket.
MERLIN
Uh, excuse me, that’s my seat.
Suddenly he is thrown back against the front of the stage as
Donkey and Puss confront him.
PUSS
(in Donkey’s body)
Okay, senor hocus-y pocus-y. The
time has come to rectify some
wrongs.
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
Although I have been enjoying these
«cat baths.»
PUSS
(in Donkey’s body)
Please say you didn’t.
MERLIN
Uh… alright, alright…look..
Merlin rubs his hands together.
MERLIN
You’re gonna feel a little pinch,
and possibly some lower intestinal
discomfort, but this should do the
trick.
Merlin rolls up his sleeves, and prepares to make with the
magic. He lets loose with a bright burst of magic. It takes a
moment for Donkey and Puss to recover. They eye each other
cautiously.
PUSS
Are you..?
Donkey lifts his hoof and inspects it carefully.
DONKEY
I’m me again.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 115.
Puss checks out his own paws.
PUSS
And I am not you.
Donkey and Puss give each other a big hug.
DONKEY
Alright.
The two of them turn and walk away together.
Merlin is behind them, smoking fingers and all. Suddenly his
eyes grow wide.
MERLIN
Oops. Ah, never mind.
We see that Donkey still has Puss’ tail and Puss had
Donkey’s. Merlin slips away.
Shrek and Fiona watch Artie in the distance.
SHREK
What’d I tell ya? I think the
kid’s going to be a great King.
FIONA
Well, for what it’s worth, you
would have too.
Shrek smiles, and touches Fiona’s belly.
SHREK
I have something much more
important in mind.
They kiss.
The camera pulls back to see everyone celebrating around
Shrek and Fiona as they kiss.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. SWAMP HOUSE — MORNING
Shrek and Fiona are diapering two of the babies in perfect unison. They continue diapering, Fiona holds up the third baby and Shrek holds up an unhappy, diapered Puss.
Shrek grabs a gourd bottle off of a shelf. He tosses it to Fiona. Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 118.
Fiona stands holding one baby over her shoulder. She catches the gourd thrown to her, twirls it around (a la Tom Cruise in Cocktail), lifts up her leg where another baby is perched on her foot and puts the gourd in the baby’s mouth.
Shrek is burping a baby over his shoulder. The baby burps. Fiona has a baby over her shoulder and the baby burps. A Dronkey sitting on a chair does a flame-belch and an ogre baby crawling by farts which causes a flame thrower effect into the fireplace.
Shrek and Fiona tuck all the babies into bed.
SHREK Well, what shall we do now?
CUT TO:
INT. SHREK AND FIONA’S BEDROOM — NIGHT
Shrek and Fiona are sound asleep, snoring.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. SWAMP HOUSE — CONTINUOUS
A baby starts to cry.
SHREK (SIGHS) I got it.
The camera trucks out.
THE END
This is the transcript for Shrek the Third.
INT. MEDIEVAL TIMES THEATER — NIGHT
[A familiar beam of light shines down. The beam of light descends onto a stage. Lightning flashes to reveal Prince Charming riding his valiant steed Chauncey across the open plains. The wind blows back his golden mane.]
Prince Charming: Onward, Chauncey! To the highest room of the tallest tower. Where my princess awaits rescue from her handsome Prince Charming.
Lightning cracks. Thunder booms. Charming straddles a
wooden hobby horse and gallops in place. A stage hand uses a
bellow to blow air into Prince Charming’s face. Another
stage hand turns a crank that creates the moving background.
In the orchestra, a man uses coconuts to create the sound
effects of a galloping horse. Two more stage hands back
stage create the cheap sound effects of thunder and
lightning. A crudely constructed castle tower sits in front
of a cheaply painted backdrop.
The Fairytale Creatures are sitting at a table in the
audience.
Gingy: This is worse than Love Letters. I hate dinner theatre.
PINOCCHIO
Me too.
Pinocchio’s nose grows as he is caught in the lie.
Prince Charming rides to the base of the tower.
PRINCE CHARMING
Whoa there, Chauncey.
He dismounts and sets his hobby horse on the ground. He
strikes a dramatic pose.
A Princess leans from a tower window.
ACTRESS
Hark! The brave Prince Charming
approacheth.
Prince Charming puffs his chest out.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 2.
PRINCE CHARMING
Fear not fair maiden. I shall slay
the monster that guards you and
take my place as rightful King.
An old couple at a table look confused.
OLD LADY
(to old man)
What did she say?
Prince Charming glares as the bored audience largely ignores
him.
A man in a bad ogre costume that resembles Shrek comes onto the stage.
OGRE
Grrrrrrr.
The crowd erupts into applause. The Fairytale Creatures
cheer.
FAIRYTALE CREATURES
(CHEERING)
Woooo hoooo!
GINGERBREAD MAN
Yeah, Shrek!
At first, Prince Charming is put off by the cheers for the
Shrek-like beast. He pulls his sword and confronts the
monster.
PRINCE CHARMING
Prepare foul beast to enter into a
world of pain with which you are
not familiar.
He is cut off as a waiter enters with a birthday cake.
WAITER
(SINGING)
Happy Birthday to thee.
PRINCE CHARMING
Do you mind?
Prince Charming hops out of the way when a chair lands on
stage. It slides past him and bumps into the tower facade.
GINGERBREAD MAN
Do you mind? Boring!
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 3.
The audience laughs. Prince Charming glares at them and then
tries to recover. He points his sword at the monster again.
The tower facade starts to topple.
PRINCE CHARMING
(CLEARS THROAT)
Prepare foul beast-
Prince Charming looks over his shoulder and sees the facade
falling. He cringes.
The scenery slams against the stage, but Prince Charming is
unharmed, perfectly framed in the princesses’ window. The
crowd laughs at the embarrassed Prince Charming. He shakes
his mangled sword at the audience.
PRINCE CHARMING
(shaking his sword again)
Someday you’ll be sorry.
HECKLER
(O.S.)
We already are!
They laugh again. Prince Charming throws down his sword,
picks up his hobby horse and exits.
OGRE
Grrrrrrr.
The song and the laughter follow Prince Charming backstage.
INT. BACKSTAGE DRESSING ROOM — MOMENTS LATER
Prince Charming walks through a tunnel backstage that leads
to a door. The door has a star with his name written on it.
He opens it.
EXT. MEDIEVAL TIMES RESTAURANT — CONTINUOUS
Prince Charming sits at his broken vanity and sobs. His make-
shift dressing room is in an alley way next to the theater.
Horses whinny as a carriage passes by. The castle of Far Far
Away can be seen on the hill in the background. Prince
Charming breaks down and cries.
He looks up and sees a picture of the Fairy Godmother taped
to the vanity. «Don’t stop believing! Mommy’s Little Angel»
is written on the picture.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 4.
PRINCE CHARMING (CRIES LIKE A BABY)
Oh mommy.
He weeps again and then looks back at the picture. A
determined change grows across his face.
PRINCE CHARMING
Oh, you’re right. I can’t let this
happen. I can’t.
Prince Charming looks at the castle on the hill. His
expression hardens. He stands and faces the castle. He
holds his chin up high.
PRINCE CHARMING
I am the rightful King of Far Far
Away and I promise you this mother.
I will restore dignity to my
throne.
A big gust of wind blows a newspaper page across his face.
He peels it off and looks at the headline. His eyes tense
and narrow.
PRINCE CHARMING (CONT’D)
And this time, no one will stand in
my way.
In the newspaper is a picture of Shrek and Fiona waving to a
crowd.
Prince Charming crumples up the newspaper in his fists.
EXT. CASTLE — MORNING
The camera booms down from the Far Far Away sign. The sun
rises and the birds sing.
INT. SHREK AND FIONA’S BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS
The sun shines through the bedroom window as the camera pans
over to Shrek and Fiona waking up.
SHREK
Good morning.
FIONA
Good morning.
(DREAMY)
Oh… morning breath…
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 5.
Shrek breathes in and smiles.
SHREK
(DREAMY)
I know. Isn’t it wonderful?
The bedroom doors fly open and Donkey and the Dronkeys rush
in. The Dronkeys head right for Shrek and Fiona. Shrek
cowers beneath the bedclothes.
DONKEY
(SINGING) “ Red and yellow and blue. A square and circle too. A star and heart and triangle are what’s we’ll learn today. ,
Shrek sinks further into the blankets as the Dronkeys
exuberantly lick him. Fiona is amused.
Donkey starts to sing the opening jingle from the V-Smile Baby game “ Baby Einstein .
DONKEY
(SINGING)
«Joining in and around the world.”
(coming closer and closer)
(TO FIONA)
«What new things are around in us.»
(TO SHREK)
«Open your eyes and look around.»
(TO DRONKEY)
”So many things that we have found.”
The Dronkeys fly out of the room, knocking down everything in
their path.
DONKEY
Oh, they grow up so fast.
[Shrek, greatly annoyed, lifts his hand and snuffs out a little fire on the bed left behind by the Dronkeys.]
SHREK
Not fast enough.
Puss leaps onto the bed.
PUSS
Okay. You have a very full day
filling in for the King and Queen.
There are several functions that
require your attendance, sir.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 6.
SHREK
Great. Let’s get started.
Shrek immediately pulls the covers up over his head and
starts to snore.
DONKEY
C’mon, lazy bones, time to get
movin’.
Donkey yanks the sheets off of Fiona and Shrek. He is
surprised to see Shrek’s bare legs.
DONKEY
Aaahhh! You know you really need
to get yourself a pair of jammies.
Shrek sighs.
CUT TO:
INT. KNIGHTING CEREMONY — DAY
The camera pans down from a stained glass window. The song
«La La La La, la la la la, Elmo’s World” plays in the background as the
title: «Shrek The Third» is superimposed.
A large crowd has gathered to watch the knighting. Shrek
walks down the aisle of the church.
Shrek walks up to the knight who seems a bit nervous.
Shrek takes a sword from Puss, but he doesn’t have any idea
what he is supposed to do with it. Shrek looks at Puss, who
indicates how to knight a person with his own sword. Shrek
starts to knight the knight.
SHREK
I knight thee…
Shrek accidentally stabs the knight.
SHREK
He-he. Ooh.
The crowd, Fiona, Puss and Donkey look on, shocked.
CUT TO:
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 7.
EXT. BOAT DOCKS — DAY
Shrek and Fiona officiate at a boat christening for the Royal
Navy.
Shrek is holding a bottle of champagne. He leans on the
boat, accidentally pushing it down the ramp. Shrek throws
the bottle at the boat and it punches an enormous hole in the
side of the hull. The boat quickly sinks.
Shrek turns to find the patrons of Far Far Away shaking their
heads as they leave.
CUT TO:
INT. DRESSING ROOM — DAY
Raul, the make-up specialist, tightens some aprons around
Shrek and Fiona. Donkey, Puss and Raul stand in front of
them.
DONKEY
Well, since you’re filling in for
one, you might as well look like a
real King. Can somebody come in
here and work on Shrek please?
Raul stares at Shrek. Shrek raises his eyebrow.
RAUL
(AHEM)
I will see what I can do.
He unrolls a satchel full of different gardening tools.
Suddenly Shrek’s arms and legs are strapped into a chair.
A man stands with his back to the camera and pulls on a rip
cord as if he’s holding a chain saw. VROOM! VROOM! He
turns around to reveal a circular sander and starts to grind
away at Shrek’s gruesome toenails. Shrek cringes.
We see a close-up of Shrek’s eye. A mascara brush comes into
frame and pulls at Shrek’s eyelash.
Fiona gets her nose hairs plucked.
FIONA
Ow!
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 8.
Lipstick is applied to some lips. The camera pulls back to
reveal that the lips are Shrek’s.
A hand tries to tighten a zipper on Shrek’s back. It keeps
snagging on the skin until they finally rip it past and
tighten up the zipper all the way.
A small sock is placed onto Shrek’s foot. With a shoe horn,
Shrek’s foot is shoved into a small shoe. POP!
A collar is placed around Fiona’s neck and her corset is
tightened.
A drill comes into frame and tightens the rivet on Shrek’s
belt. A mole is placed on his cheek.
INT. BACKSTAGE — LATER
REVEAL: Shrek and Fiona standing awkwardly in outrageous
Renaissance outfits.
Donkey gasps.
DONKEY
Oh.
Puss rolls his eyes.
PUSS
Yeah, wow.
Fiona is uncomfortable.
FIONA
Uh, is this really necessary?
RAUL
(TO SHREK)
Ho, ho. Quite necessary, Fiona.
SHREK
I’m Shrek, you twit.
RAUL
Whatever.
PUSS
Okay peoples. This isn’t a
rehearsal. Let’s see some hustle.
DONKEY
Smiles everyone, smiles.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 9.
Off-screen, the Master of Ceremonies announces the couples
arriving at the party.
Fiona turns to Shrek and sees he is not in a good mood.
SHREK
I don’t know how much longer I can
keep this up Fiona.
FIONA
I’m sorry Shrek, but can you please
just try to grin and bear it? It’s
just until Dad gets better.
Shrek lets out another frustrated sigh.
FIONA
Shrek?
SHREK
Yeah.
FIONA
You look handsome.
SHREK
Ah. Come here, you.
She gives him a nasty smile. He screams and smiles
back.
Fiona puckers up her lips and Shrek leans in for a kiss, but
their disgusting outfits prevent it.
Shrek and Fiona let out a huge breath of air.
SHREK
Oh, my butt is itching up a storm
and I can’t reach it in this monkey
suit.
Shrek tries to scratch his butt but to no avail.
SHREK
Oh.
(WHISTLE)
Hey you. Come here.
A man holding a ruby scepter walks over to Shrek.
SHREK
What’s your name?
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 10.
FIDDLESWORTH
Eh, Fiddlesworth, sir.
SHREK
Hoo hoo hooo. Perfect.
INT. BALLROOM — CONTINUOUS
The announcer introduces Shrek and Fiona.
MASTER OF CEREMONIES
Ladies and gentlemen, Princess
Fiona and Sir Shrek.
The audience claps. The curtain starts to open.
Fiddlesworth is scratching away at Shrek’s butt.
SHREK
You’ve done it. Oh, a little over
to the left, yeah. That’s great.
FIONA
Uh Shrek?
Fiddlesworth struggles to reach Shrek’s itch. The crowd
looks on in horror. Fiona tries to get his attention.
SHREK
Ahh. All right, you got it…Oh
yeah, you’re on it. Oh that’s it.
Oh that’s good.
FIONA
Shrek…
SHREK
Oh yeah. Scratch that thing. You
got it. You’re on it. That’s
great.
FIONA
Shrek.
Shrek and Fiddlesworth finally see the crowd. They both
freeze. Shrek laughs nervously.
Suddenly Shrek’s belt buckle snaps off and hits Donkey in the
eye. He stumbles through the crowd screaming.
DONKEY
Ow my eye. My eye.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 11.
As he is stumbling, he grabs hold of a lady in the crowd.
WOMAN
What are you doing?
The woman pushes Donkey away. He falls, knocking over a
guard holding an axe on his way down. The guard drops the
axe. It flies past Puss, who is in the arms of a lady. The
axe knocks over a vase. The vase flies up on stage and Fiona
maneuvers to catch it. In flight, water spills out of the
vase which causes Fiona to fall over.
Shrek’s tuxedo bib slaps him in the face. The clasp holding
Shrek’s pants up breaks off. Shrek stands on stage with his
pants around his ankles. He shuffles towards Fiona.
SHREK
Fiona.
He trips over his pants and hits a loose wooden plank on the
stage. The plank flings up and sends Fiddlesworth flying
through the air where his jacket slips over a banner pole,
trapping him.
FIDDLESWORTH
Uhhh…
(WIMPER)
Shrek has reached Fiona who is still lying on the floor.
SHREK
Are you okay?
FIONA
Yeah. I’m fine.
Fiona’s eyes suddenly widen.
Fiddlesworth’s jacket rips and he falls onto a waiter
carrying flaming skewers.
FIDDLESWORTH
Ahhhh.
The skewers fly through the air. Donkey stands up in frame
with one eye half shut. The flaming skewers shoot by him and
land in the curtains, setting them on fire. He blows one of
the skewers out and takes a bite.
DONKEY
Oh shrimp. My favorite.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 12.
The fire causes a Far Far Away shield to detach from a wooden
ceiling beam and fall onto the stage, breaking it in half.
The whole stage collapses in the middle. The buffet tables
slide toward Shrek and Fiona at the other end and collide.
CRASH! BANG!
CUT TO BLACK:
INT. SHREK AND FIONA’S BEDROOM — NIGHT
The door to Fiona’s room flies open.
SHREK
That’s it. We’re leaving.
Shrek storms in pulling bits of buffet food off his face.
FIONA
Honey, please calm down…
Shrek grabs the wig off of his head and throws it aside.
SHREK
Calm down? Who do you think we’re
kidding? I am an ogre. I’m not cut
out for this Fiona, and I never
will be.
Shrek wipes off his makeup with his shirt sleeve and flings
his shirt to the floor. He falls onto the bed next to
Donkey.
DONKEY
I think that went pretty well.
Shrek startles.
SHREK
Donkey.
Shrek picks him up and throws him out the door.
DONKEY
Aww, come on now Shrek.
Shrek slams the door shut.
Shrek turns back towards the bed and sees Puss reclining on
his pillow.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 13.
PUSS
Some people just don’t understand
boundaries.
Shrek picks Puss up by the scruff of his neck and tosses him
outside the window. He shuts it. Puss sits sadly on the
ledge, giving Shrek his sad-eyes routine. Shrek draws the
blinds.
Shrek stomps over and falls back onto the bed. Fiona tries
to calm him down.
FIONA
Just think… a couple more days,
and we’ll be back home in our
vermin-filled shack, strewn with
fungus, filled with the rotting
stench of mud and neglect.
This thought calms him. Shrek takes in a long, deep breath
and exhales. He smiles.
SHREK
Oh, you had me at «vermin-filled.»
FIONA
And, uh… maybe even the pitter-
patter of little feet on the
floor…?
SHREK
(LAUGHS)
That’s right. The swamp rats will
be spawning.
FIONA
Uh, no… you know, what I was
thinking of is a little bit bigger
than a swamp rat.
SHREK
Donkey?
FIONA
No, Shrek. Um… what if —
THEORETICALLY —
SHREK
Yeah?
FIONA
They were little ogre feet?
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 14.
SHREK
Oh.
(NERVOUS LAUGH)
Shocked, Shrek falls off the bed.
He slowly emerges from behind the bed.
SHREK
Honey? Let’s try and be rational
about this. Have you seen any poop
lately? They just poop and
they poop and then they poop when
they poop and they poop when they
Poop… Now, imagine even more poop.
They really poop and they really poop.
A baby poops in the bathtub.
FIONA
Shrek.
She grabs his hands and looks deeply into his eyes.
FIONA
Don’t you ever think about having a
family?
Shrek takes her hand.
SHREK
Right now, you’re my family.
There is a knock on the bedroom door. The door bursts open,
revealing a Royal Page.
Shrek springs up.
SHREK
Well, somebody better be dying.
CUT TO:
INT. KING’S ROOM — MOMENTS LATER
The camera pushes through a corridor that leads to the King’s
bedroom. The King is lying on his lily pad, coughing.
KING HAROLD
I’m dying.
The King inhales and launches into a violent coughing fit.
Shrek looks a bit guilty about his last admission. Queen Lillian
comes to the King’s aid and he settles down.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 15.
QUEEN LILLIAN
Harold.
KING HAROLD
Don’t forget to pay the gardener,
Lillian.
Queen Lillian is used to these kind of non-sequiturs.
QUEEN LILLIAN
Of course darling.
The King suppresses a few coughs. He turns to his daughter.
KING HAROLD
Fiona…
FIONA
Yes Daddy?
KING HAROLD
I know I’ve made many mistakes with
you.
FIONA
It’s okay.
KING HAROLD
But your love for Shrek has taught
me so much.
Fiona smiles. The King addresses Shrek.
KING HAROLD
My dear boy, I am proud to call you
my son.
SHREK
And I’m proud to call you my
Frog… King Dad in-law.
Shrek smiles.
KING HAROLD
Now, there is a matter of business
to attend tooo…
The King starts wheezing and coughing. Eventually he stops.
They think he’s dead. Puss solemnly removes his hat.
PUSS
The Frog King is dead.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 16.
Fiona starts eating cherries. The King suddenly wakes up, coughing.
DONKEY
(TO PUSS)
Put your hat back on, fool.
KING HAROLD
Shrek, please come hither.
Fiona gives Shrek a look. Shrek walks over to the King.
SHREK
Yeah, Dad?
KING HAROLD
This Kingdom needs a new king. You
and Fiona are next in line for the
throne.
SHREK
Oh! (Laughing) Next in line. Now you see
Dad, that’s why people love you.
Even on your deathbed you’re still
making jokes. (Chuckles)
The King stares at Shrek, stone-faced. Shrek leans in
closer.
SHREK
Oh, come on Dad… an Ogre as King?
I don’t think that’s such a good
idea. I mean, there’s got to be somebody
else. Anybody!
KING HAROLD
Aside from you there is only one
remaining heir.
Shrek brightens.
SHREK
Really? Who is he, Dad?
KING HAROLD
His name is… is… is…
SHREK
What’s his name? What’s his name?!
KING HAROLD
…is …
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 17.
Shrek leans in closer after each «is,» waiting in
anticipation. The King starts to hyperventilate.
FIONA
Daddy!
The King is dead. A fly comes out of his mouth and flies
away.
Puss starts to take his hat off. The fly buzzes into frame.
A tongue catches it. Puss puts his hat back on.
KING HAROLD
(chewing the fly)
His name is Arthur.
SHREK
Arthur?
KING HAROLD
(COUGH)
I know you’ll do what’s…
(EXHALING)
riiiight…
He succumbs. The King really is dead now.
QUEEN LILLIAN
Harold?
SHREK
Dad? Dad! Dad?
Donkey bows his head.
DONKEY
Do your thing, man.
Puss takes his hat off.
Fiona starts to eat chips and hits Shrek. The weight of the King’s
request hits Shrek. He is in a state of shock.
We hold a moment on Queen Lillian, Shrek, Fiona, Puss and Donkey
to let the King’s passing sink in.
DISSOLVE TO:
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 18.
EXT. RODEO DRIVE — CONTINUOUS
The streets of Far Far Away are empty. People are closing up
the shops on Rodeo Drive.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. CASTLE — CONTINUOUS
The knights of Far Far Away march toward the castle as the
flag is lowered to half-masked.
EXT. POND — LATER
Close on a statue of the late King. Shrek, Fiona, the Queen,
and all the Fairy-tale Creatures and Princesses have gathered
for the funeral. Queen Lillian sets an old shoe box («Ye Olde
Footlocker») on top of a lily pad and sends it floating out
into the water.
An overhead shot shows the box floating through the lily
pads. The camera tilts up to reveal a frog choir, singing
«Live and Let Die.» The Princesses, Donkey, Puss and the
Fairy-tale Creatures all bow their heads solemnly.
Shrek puts his arm around Fiona.
The funeral has ended and the crowd begins to disperse.
Shrek, Fiona and Queen Lillian stand by the pond. Queen Lillian
sadly gazes at the pond.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. A BLUFF OVERLOOKING THE CASTLE — CONTINUOUS
The camera pulls back to reveal a cloaked figure, on
horseback, overlooking the funeral. The figure removes his
hood to reveal Prince Charming. He gives a smug smile, and
rides off.
CUT TO:
EXT. POISONED APPLE BAR — NIGHT
Prince Charming rides up to the Poison Apple Bar.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 19.
INT. POISONED APPLE BAR — CONTINUOUS
Smoke wafts through the screen. The camera pans down to the
top of a piano where an ashtray with a lit cigarette burns
and a brandy sifter is filled with coins. The camera pans
over to a Singing Witch who turns around to reveal a
microphone in her hand. The Singing Witch starts to sing
«I’ve Never Been To Me» by Nancy Wilson.
The bar is filled with various Fairy-tale Villains. Two
pirates sit forlornly with their mugs. The Puppet Master
takes a drink out of a beer mug. He is surrounded by a bunch
of empty beer mugs.
Prince Charming enters the bar.
A group is gathered around Cyclops riding a medieval
mechanical bull, hooting and hollering. The bull stops and
the Villains turn to look at Prince Charming.
Prince Charming hangs his cape on a tree branch. The camera
adjusts right to reveal the branch is actually one of the
Evil Trees, who flings the cape to the floor. Everyone takes
notice as Prince Charming walks through. Little Red Riding
Hood is sitting on a pile of books at a table. Evil Dwarves
glare in Prince Charming’s direction. Prince Charming walks
by a pair of witches (one is the Evil Queen from Snow White)
playing pool. The Evil Queen scratches when she sees him and
the pool ball goes flying into the Headless Horseman’s neck.
Prince Charming walks by the singing witch. He reaches the
bar, pulls out a handkerchief, places it over the bar stool,
and sits.
Prince Charming spots the bartender with her back to him. He
clears his throat.
PRINCE CHARMING
What does a Prince have to do to
get a drink around here?
Mabel, the other ugly stepsister, rises up in front a poster
with a smiling beer wench.
PRINCE CHARMING
Ah Mabel, why they call you an ugly
stepsister I’ll never know.
He winks at her. She glares at him.
PRINCE CHARMING
Where’s Doris, taking the night
off?
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 20.
MABEL
She’s not welcome here and neither
are you.
She spits into the mug and wipes it with a towel.
MABEL (CONT’D)
What do you want, Charming?
PRINCE CHARMING
Oh not much, just a chance at
redemption…
(LAUGHS)
And a Fuzzy Navel.
Prince Charming stands up and turns to the bar patrons.
PRINCE CHARMING
And Fuzzy Navels for all my
friends.
Captain Hook rips his hook across the piano keys. The
singing witch bares her teeth. The witches break their pool
cues. The Puppet Master breaks his beer mug.
CAPTAIN HOOK
We’re not your friends.
Prince Charming grows nervous.
The Villains all approach Prince Charming.
From behind the bar, Mabel grabs Prince Charming by his
shoulders and pins him on top of the bar.
PRINCE CHARMING
Ahh.
Captain Hook places his hook against Prince Charming’s neck.
CAPTAIN HOOK
You don’t belong here.
PRINCE CHARMING
You’re right; oh, I mean you’re
absolutely right, but I mean, do
any of us?
CYCLOPS
Do a number on his face.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 21.
PRINCE CHARMING
No, no, wait, wait, wait. We are
more alike than you think.
Prince Charming turns to the Evil Queen.
PRINCE CHARMING
Wicked Witch. The Seven Dwarves
saved Snow White and then what
happened?
EVIL QUEEN
Oh, what’s it to you?
PRINCE CHARMING
They left you the un-fairest of
them all. And now here you are,
hustling pool to get your next
meal. How does that feel?
EVIL QUEEN
Pretty unfair.
Prince Charming begins to work the crowd.
PRINCE CHARMING
And you? Your star puppet abandons
the show to go and find his father.
PUPPET MASTER
I hate that little wooden puppet.
Prince Charming turns to Captain Hook.
PRINCE CHARMING
And Hook…
Prince Charming looks down at the hook.
PRINCE CHARMING (CONT’D)
… Need I say more?
Captain Hook backs off, feeling insecure about his appendage.
PRINCE CHARMING
And you. Frumpypigskin.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN
Rumplestiltskin.
PRINCE CHARMING
Where’s that first-thing you were
promised, hey?
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 22.
Rumplestiltskin caresses a cherry tattoo on his forearm.
Prince Charming gains more confidence as he confronts Mabel.
PRINCE CHARMING
Mabel, remember how you couldn’t
get your little fat foot into that
tiny glass slipper?
Mabel sighs.
PRINCE CHARMING
Cinderella is in Far Far Away right
now, eating Bon Bons, cavorting
with every little last Fairy-tale
Creature that has ever done you
wrong.
Prince Charming now has everyone’s attention.
PRINCE CHARMING
Once upon a time, someone decided
that we were the losers. But there
are two sides to every story. And
our side has not been told.
The crowd listens, rapt.
PRINCE CHARMING
So who will join me? Who wants to
come out on top for once? Who
wants their happily ever after?
The crowd of villains cheer and starts getting rowdy. A bar
room brawl ensues. Prince Charming looks on, shocked. He
ducks out of the way of a flying liquor bottle. He smiles
nervously and lifts his fruity, Fuzzy Navel to drink.
CUT TO:
EXT. DOCKS — DUSK
The camera booms down from the lighthouse.
BLIND MOUSE #1
This way gents.
The blind mice stumble and fall trying to get down the steps
to the dock. The Fairy-tale Creatures and Dragon have
gathered to wish Shrek, Puss and Donkey a bon voyage as they
set off to retrieve Arthur.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 23.
On the docks, two Dronkeys chase a seagull as the camera pans
over to Puss who breaks free of the embrace of a lady cat.
PUSS
It’s out of my hands senorita, the
winds of fate have blown on my
destiny. But I will never forget
you. You are the love of my life.
Off-screen, a cat meows and walks towards Puss.
PUSS (CONT’D)
As are you…
Camera pulls out to reveal more and more cats approaching
Puss.
PUSS (CONT’D)
And you.
Puss starts walking away as two of the cats begin to engage
in a cat fight. They are hissing at each other as Puss backs
away from them and into another.
PUSS (CONT’D)
And, uh… hi. I don’t know you,
but I’d like to. I gotta go.
Puss runs out of frame. Cut to Dragon, who is talking to
Donkey. Puss runs past them in the background. Dragon lets
out a soft wail.
DONKEY
I know, I know… I don’t want to
leave you either baby, but you know
how Shrek is. The dude’s lost
without me.
She gives him an understanding smile.
DONKEY
But don’t worry. I’ll send you
airmail kisses everyday.
He blows her a kiss and she catches it. He looks down at his
children, holding his cherries.
DONKEY
Alright, be strong babies. Be
strong. Now, Coco, Peanut, you
listen to Mama, alright? And
Bananas, no more roastin’
marshmallows on your sister’s head.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 24.
Bananas lets out a fiery sneeze.
DONKEY
Ah, that’s my special boy. Oh,
come over here, all of you. Give
your brother a big hug.
The baby Dronkeys fly around their old brother.
The Dronkey that Fiona is holding flies off to join Donkey
and the others.
Fiona nervously takes in a breath.
FIONA
Shrek, maybe you should just stay
and be King.
SHREK
Oh, c’mon, there’s no way I could
ever run a kingdom. That’s why your
cousin Arthur’s the perfect choice.
FIONA
It’s not that. No. It’s, you
see…
SHREK (CONT’D)
And if he gives me any trouble,
I’ve always got persuasion and
reason.
(holds up his right fist)
Here’s persuasion,
(holds up his left fist)
and here’s reason.
Shrek chuckles. Fiona gives him a look. Shrek reassures her.
SHREK
Fiona, soon it’s just gonna be you
and me and our swamp.
FIONA
(HESITANT)
It’s not going to be just you and
me.
The ship’s fog horn sounds.
SHIP CAPTAIN
All aboard.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 25.
SHREK
It will be. I promise. I love
you.
He kisses her and joins Puss and Donkey on the boat.
He title proudly reads: H.R.M CRUSHING RESPONSIBILITY II
The boat sets sail. The Dronkeys spell out «We Love You
big brother» with smoke in the sky.
FAIRYTALE CREATURES
Awwwwwwwww.
PIG #1
That’s lovely.
Donkey waves to his friends, feeds them cherries.
DONKEY
Bye bye dudes.
Fiona runs after the boat.
FIONA
Shrek.
Shrek leans against the rail, calling out to her.
SHREK
Yeah?
FIONA
Wait.
SHREK
What is it?
She smiles and takes a deep breath.
FIONA
I’m, I’m-
The Ship Captain blows a fog horn and cuts her off. Shrek
smiles back at her.
SHREK
(LAUGHS)
I love you too honey.
FIONA
No… No, I said I’m pr-
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 26.
The Ship Captain starts to blow again. Shrek grabs the horn
and throws it overboard.
SHREK
You’re what?
FIONA
I said I’m pregnant.
The Fairy-tale Creatures behind Fiona cheer.
SHREK
(doesn’t want to believe
HIS EARS)
Uh… what was that?
FIONA
You’re going to be a father.
SHREK
(NERVOUS LAUGH)
That’s great.
FIONA
Really? I’m glad you think so. I
love you.
Shrek smiles back at Fiona.
SHREK
Yeah…
(NERVOUS LAUGH)
Me too… you…
Fiona smiles as Queen Lillian places a hand on her shoulder.
Overjoyed at the news, Donkey pops up onto the railing.
DONKEY
I’m gonna be an Uncle. I’m gonna
be an Uncle. I’m gonna be an
Uncle.
PUSS
Oh, and you my friend are royally—
The fog horn blasts again as the boat disappears into the
fog.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 27.
EXT. BOAT CABIN — NIGHT
The boat travels along in the open sea. Shrek is fast asleep
as the boat travels through an estuary and beaches itself.
Shrek wakes up. He opens the cabin door.
SHREK
Ahhh. Home.
He smiles to himself. The boat has beached itself right
outside of Shrek’s swamp house.
He leaps off the boat.
SHREK
Woohoo.
EXT. SWAMP HOUSE — CONTINUOUS
Shrek takes a deep breath of swamp air.
SHREK
Ahh.
He skips and dances happily toward his house.
FIONA (O.S.)
Shrek?
SHREK
Ooo.
(LAUGHS)
INT. SWAMP HOUSE — CONTINUOUS
He sashays through the front door with his eyes closed,
presenting himself.
SHREK
Fiona.
After a moment of silence, he opens his eyes, realizing that
Fiona is not there.
SHREK
Fiona?
He looks around the room, puzzled. The door slams closed
behind him.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 28.
A baby carriage rolls slowly into frame behind him. He turns slowly and sees the baby carriage covered with a blanket. Shrek removes the blanket, revealing a baby ogre, smiling innocently at him.
SHREK Huh? Oh no.
The baby burps.
SHREK (AMUSED) Better out than in, I always say. Ha ha.
OGRE BABY Hiccup.
This time the baby’s burp turns into projectile vomit aimed directly at Shrek. Shrek puts his hand up to block the vomit, but to no avail. The baby continues to vomit, but eventually stops after completely soiling himself and Shrek. The baby looks like it’s about to cry. Shrek raises his hands.
SHREK No, no, no, no, no, no. Ha, ha. It’s okay. It’s gonna be alright.
Shrek picks the baby up, smiling at it cautiously. He holds it awkwardly for a few seconds, then looks up and realizes that his house is filled with babies.
OGRE BABY Da-Da.
Babies roll around his living room, tearing the fabric off his chair. The chair reclines, catapulting one of the babies onto Shrek’s head. A standing lamp with a baby on top falls, and Shrek dives to catch him. Another baby is pulling the tablecloth, causing lethal knives to fly straight at him. Shrek snatches the baby away just before he is impaled. One of the babies strikes a match near the fireplace. Shrek runs over, picks up the baby and blows out the match. He takes a baby out of the cauldron.
SHREK Hey. Hey, hey, wait. Would ya? No, no. Stop. Hey, hey, hey. No.
Pinocchio approaches.
PINOCCHIO Shrek, no, no, not the room. Leave it alone, kid? Baby!
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 29.
DONKEY Ogres are nervous! It can bedroom.
Gingy silly grin at Shrek grabs the baby. Fiona walks away.
FIONA Baby, wherever has been thrown the disgust.
Shrek panics. A baby is knocking glass jars off the shelf. Shrek catches him before he crawls off of it. Shrek runs through the room picking up babies.
INT. SHREK’S BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS
After he has collected as many babies as he can, Shrek slides open the curtain to his bedroom.
SHREK Huh? What are you doing?
PINOCCHIO What’s going on up there, Shrek?
PUSS Pinocchio, what has been charming for nothing with babies.
SHREK No, no! Huh?
He sees a baby sitting in his bed, smiling up at him. The baby shrugs.
OGRE BABY Bubabatoo?
Suddenly, Shrek hears a loud rumble. He turns around. Babies start pouring out of the window and the fireplace. First there is one, then two, then thirty more follow. Hundreds of them start piling in.
Shrek makes a run for the doorway, but no matter how hard he runs, the doorway keeps getting farther and farther away! He keeps trying, hundreds of babies trailing behind.
INT. GRADUATION STAGE — CONTINUOUS
Finally, Shrek reaches the door and opens it. He slams it shut behind him and closes his eyes. Everything is quiet. He opens his eyes and finds himself on stage in front of his high school.
Shrek looks up to find a graduation cap on his head. The audience is full of ogre babies laughing at him. The camera pulls back to reveal Shrek standing at the podium, naked.
CUT TO:
EXT. BOAT DECK — DAWN, CONTINUOUS
Shrek’s eyes pop open, he sits upright and tries to compose himself.
SHREK Ahhhh. Oh, Donkey. Donkey, wake- up!
Donkey and Puss turn around, but they both have baby-ogre faces! Donkey makes a baby noise. As the camera zooms in, Donkey’s eyes glow red and his teeth become sharp and pointy. Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 30.
DONKEY (with ogre baby head) Da-da!
The nightmare ends as a fog horn blows. Shrek bolts upright again. Donkey and
Puss wake up.
SHREK
Ahhhh.
He breaths heavily, trying to compose himself.
DONKEY
Shrek. Shrek, are you okay?
SHREK
Oh… I can’t believe I’m going to
be thirsty.
Donkey and Puss look at each other. He gets up and walks to
the ship’s railing.
SHREK
How did this happen?
PUSS
Allow me to explain. You see, when
a man has certain feelings for a
woman, a powerful urge sweeps over
him…
SHREK
I know how it happened. I just
can’t believe it.
Shrek walks away.
Donkey leans over to Puss.
DONKEY
How does it happen?
Puss rolls his eyes at Donkey.
CUT TO:
Donkey sees Shrek at the back of the boat staring out at the
distant horizon. He walks up next to his friend.
DONKEY
(SINGING)
And the cat’s in the cradle and the
silver spoon,
(MORE)
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 31.
DONKEY (CONT’D)
Little boy blue and the man in the
moon.
Shrek rolls his eyes.
DONKEY (CONT’D)
«When you coming home, son?» «I
don’t know when,
But we’ll get together then, Dad-»
Shrek cuts Donkey off.
SHREK
Donkey, can you just cut to the
part where you’re supposed to make
me feel better?
Shrek slumps against the rail. Puss hops up on the railing
and whispers into Shrek’s other ear.
PUSS
You know I love Fiona, Boss.
Right?
(CONFIDENTIALLY)
But what I’m talking about here is
you, me, my cousin’s boat, an ice-
cold pitcher of mojitos, and two
weeks of nothing but fishing.
Puss makes a «let’s go fishing» gesture by casting an
imaginary rod into the ocean. Donkey is right there to
whisper in Shrek’s other ear.
DONKEY
Man, don’t you listen to him.
Having a baby is not going to ruin
your life.
SHREK
It’s not my life I’m worried about
ruining. It’s the kid’s.
Donkey and Puss pause as Shrek rants.
SHREK
I mean…when have you ever heard
the phrase «as sweet as an…ogre»
or «as nurturing as…an ogre» Or
how `bout…»you’re gonna’ love my
dad…he’s a real ogre.»
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 32.
DONKEY
Okay, okay I get it. Nobody said
it was going to be easy. But at
least you got us to help you out.
SHREK
That’s true.
He thinks for a moment.
SHREK
I’m doomed.
DONKEY
You’ll be fine.
SHIP CAPTAIN
You’re finished.
Everyone turns to look at the Captain who clears his throat.
SHIP CAPTAIN
Uh, with your journey.
He points to shore. A majestic castle stands proudly on a
nearby bluff.
CUT TO:
EXT. WORCESTERSHIRE ACADEMY — DAY
Shrek, Puss and Donkey stand at the entrance to the castle.
Donkey reads the sign hanging over the entrance.
DONKEY
Wor-ces-ter-shireee. Now that
sounds fancy.
SHREK
It’s Worcestershire.
DONKEY
Like the sauce? Mmmm… It’s
spicy.
The drawbridge to the castle lowers.
DONKEY
Oohh. They must be expecting us.
They start over the drawbridge.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 33.
A horse whinnies behind them. Shrek, Donkey, and Puss jump
out of the way as a medieval school bus storms by. The kids
on the back of the bus scream when they see Shrek.
DONKEY
What in the shista-shire kind of
place is this?
Shrek suddenly looks concerned.
SHREK
Well, my stomach aches and my palms
just got sweaty. Must be a high
school.
DONKEY
High school?
EXT. SCHOOL GROUNDS — CONTINUOUS
A group of cheerleaders practice.
CHEERLEADERS
Ready? Okay. Where for art thou
headed, to the top? Yeah we think
so, we think so. And dost thou
thinkest thine can be stopped? Nay
we thinks not. We thinks not.
Shrek rolls his eyes and continues on, terrifying students as
he walks through the courtyard.
FEMALE STUDENT #1
Ahhhhh.
The kid runs away quickly into the student parking lot where
a bunch of different style horse-drawn carriages are parked.
A carriage passes in front of Shrek that reads: «Caution —
Student Driver.»
DRIVERS ED INSTRUCTOR
All right Mr. Percival, just ease
up on the reigns-
The carriage jolts forward and crashes off-screen.
Two stoner kids emerge from a medieval-style «VW» carriage.
VAN STUDENT
(cough, cough)
For lo bro, don’t burn all my
frankincense and myrrh.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 34.
DONKEY
I’m already starting to feel
nauseous from memories of wedgies
and swirlies.
PUSS
But how did you receive the wedgies
when you are clearly not the wearer
of the underpants?
DONKEY
Let’s just say some things are
better left unsaid and leave it at
that.
He notices two female students discussing their love lives.
GUINEVERRE
So then I was all like «I’d rather
get the black plague and lock
myself in an iron maiden than go
out with you.»
TIFFANY
Eh, totally.
Shrek approaches them.
SHREK
Pardon me…
They flee in terror.
GUINEVERRE
Eh. Totally ew-th.
TIFFANY
Yeah, totally.
A pair of dorky kids play a medieval, role-playing board
game.
GARY
Yes. I just altered my character
level to plus three superbability.
SHREK
Hi, we’re looking for someone named-
GARY
Gee, who rolled a plus nine «dork»
spell and summoned the beast and
his quadrupeds.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 35.
XAVIER
Ha ha.
(SNORT)
Ah.
The students panics when his nose starts to bleed.
SHREK
I know you’re busy «not fitting in»
but can either of you tell me where
I can find Arthur?
While Xavier tries to control the bleeding, Gary points
towards the athletic field.
GARY
He’s over there.
CUT TO:
EXT. JOUSTING RANGE — CONTINUOUS
In the distance, Shrek spots A BOLD KNIGHT atop his steed.
He looks very impressive as he rears up ready to charge.
Shrek, Donkey and Puss arrive to see the beginning of the
charge. It’s an exciting back and forth.
Hooves pound on sand.
The Knight’s eyes steady.
The horse rears majestically.
The opponent’s eyes widen in fear.
The lance hits, and the opponent flies through the air and
lands in front of Shrek, Puss and Donkey.
Shrek looks back at the victorious Knight. He removes his
helmet revealing a strong handsome face. The Knight enjoys
his victory.
KNIGHT (LANCELOT)
Ha ha. There is no sweeter taste
on thy tongue than victory.
JOCKS
Oy. Right. Ooo. Ooo. Ooo.
Shrek turns to Puss.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 36.
SHREK
Strong, handsome, face of a leader.
Does Arthur look like a King or
what?
Shrek steps forward.
TEENAGER (ARTIE)
Ow.
Shrek looks down, his foot planted square in the chest of
LANCELOT’s opponent. Shrek steps back.
SHREK
Oh. Sorry.
The kid doesn’t budge, his arms and legs still sprawled out
where he hit the ground.
TEENAGER (ARTIE)
Did you just say you were looking
for Arthur?
Shrek, Puss and Donkey turn back around.
PUSS
That information is on a need to
know basis.
DONKEY
It’s top secret, hushity hush.
CUT TO:
EXT. JOUSTING RANGE — KNIGHTS AREA
The Knight commands his troops.
KNIGHT (LANCELOT)
Now gentlemen let’s away… to the
showers.
JOCKS
Oy. Right. Ooo. Ooo.
Shrek approaches the Knight.
The Knight’s horse rears up and he falls off. The horse
gallops off. The Knight looks up at Shrek in fear.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 37.
SHREK (CONT’D)
Greetings your majesty. This is
your lucky day.
KNIGHT (LANCELOT)
So what for like are you supposed
to be? Some kind of giant mutant
leprechaun or something?
SHREK
Oh, ho, ho, ho. Giant mutant
leprechaun… You made a funny.
Shrek scoops up the Knight, tosses him over his shoulder,
ogre-style.
KNIGHT (LANCELOT)
Unhand me, monster.
SHREK
Stop squirming, Arthur.
KNIGHT (LANCELOT)
I’m not Arthur.
Shrek stops and holds Lancelot above his head. Lancelot
tries to regain his dignity.
LANCELOT
I am Lancelot.
Lancelot points across the school yard.
LANCELOT
That dork over there is Arthur.
He points to the TEENAGE ARTHUR, skulking away across the
school yard.
SHREK
Hey.
Artie turns his head briefly, but keeps on walking.
Shrek sighs and dumps Lancelot to the ground.
LANCELOT
Aaah.
Shrek storms off towards the school. Puss and Donkey catch
up. One of the female students steps in front of Shrek.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 38.
GUINEVERRE
Ahem. This is like totally
embarrassing, but my friend Tiffany
thinkest thou vex her so soothly…
The other girls giggle.
GUINEVERRE (CONT’D)
And she thought perchance thou
would wanna ask her to the
Homecoming Dance or something…
SHREK
Uh, excuse me?
GUINEVERRE
It’s like whatever. She’s just
totally into college guys and
mythical creatures and stuff.
She pops her gum.
CUT TO:
INT. HALLWAY — LATER
Shrek and Puss search the hallways, looking for Artie.
SHREK
Oh Arthur. Come out, come out
wherever you are…
Off-screen we hear mumbling from inside a locker. Shrek and
Puss look as Donkey pushes the locker door open. He has been
stuffed inside. Off-screen we hear some students laughing.
DONKEY
Yeah, you better run, you little
punk no good-niks, `cause the days
of «Little Donkey Dumpy Drawers»
are over.
An «I Suck-eth» sign has been taped Donkey’s butt.
Shrek spots students entering the Gymnasium. They approach a
HALL MONITOR who stops them.
HALL MONITOR
Hold it…
Two mascot costumed students walk up to the hall monitor.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 39.
COSTUME STUDENT 1
We’re here for the Mascot Contest.
COSTUME STUDENT 2
Grrrrr.
The Hall Monitor waves them in. Shrek gets an idea.
SHREK
(pleased with himself)
We’re here for the Mascot Contest
too.
The Hall Monitor reaches out and starts painfully pinching
and pulling Shrek’s skin. Shrek tries to hide the pain.
HALL MONITOR
(SUSPICIOUS)
This is a costume?
SHREK
(RECOVERING)
Aaaiyyyy… worked on it all night
long.
The Hall Monitor lets his face snap back into place. Shrek
struggles not to scream in agony. Hall Monitor is still
suspicious.
HALL MONITOR
Looks pretty real to me.
PUSS
If it were real could I do this?
Puss’s claws snap out one at a time like jack-knives and then
Puss jabs all the claws deep into Shrek’s butt.
DONKEY
Or this?
Donkey kicks Shrek hard in the groin with his hind legs.
Shrek winces and sweats.
SHREK
(UNBELIEVABLY STRAINED)
He’s right. If it were real that
would have been agonizingly
painful.
DONKEY
Now watch this….
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 40.
SHREK
(INTERRUPTING; THROUGH
GRITTED TEETH)
That’s quite enough boys.
INT. GYMNASIUM — CONTINUOUS
Principal Pynchley presides over an assembly for the entire
student body. He speaks through a megaphone.
PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY
Thank you to Professor Primbottom
for his invigorating lecture on how
to just say «nay».
Two students are standing next to Pynchley. One is dressed
up like a dragon and the other as a griffin.
PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY
And now, without further ado, let’s
give a warm Worcestershire-hoozah
to the winner of our «New Mascot»
contest… the—
Shrek bursts through the double-doors of the gym.
PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY (CONT’D)
—ogre?
The students gasp as Shrek marches forward.
SHREK
That’s right. I’m the new mascot.
So let’s really try and beat the
other guys… at whatever it is
they’re doing.
The band plays Smashmouth’s «All Star.»
PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY
This is indeed all a bit
unorthodox.
Without breaking stride, Shrek grabs Principal Pynchley’s
megaphone.
SHREK
Now, where can I find Arthur
Pendragon?
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 41.
The students all point… to the basketball hoop, where Artie
hangs helplessly. Shrek, Donkey and Puss turn and look up
and see the freshly wedgied student. The students laugh.
In the front row, Lancelot bumps fists with Bohort.
LANCELOT
Classic.
Donkey turns to Lancelot.
DONKEY
You should be ashamed of yourself.
LANCELOT
I didn’t do it. They did.
Lance points to the D&D nerds. They are beside themselves
with nasal laughter. Nosebleed boy starts bleeding again.
Shrek reaches up and pulls Artie down to eye level.
ARTIE
Please don’t eat me.
STUDENTS
(CHANTING)
Eat him. Eat him.
Even Principal Pynchley gets caught up in the excitement.
PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY
Eat him.
Shrek yanks on Artie and pulls him off the hoop.
SHREK
I’m not here to eat him.
STUDENTS
AWWW.
SHREK
It’s time to pack up your
toothbrush and jammies. You’re the
new King of Far Far Away.
ARTIE
What?
The students react with surprise and disbelief.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 42.
LANCELOT
Artie a King? More like the Mayor
of Loserville.
BOHORT
Nice one Lance.
They high five. The tuba player plays a Wha-wha-wha.
LANCELOT
Burn.
Everyone laughs.
ARTIE
Is this for real?
SHREK
Absolutely. Now clean out your
locker, kid. You’ve got a kingdom
to run.
ARTIE
So wait, I’m really the only heir?
Shrek pauses for just a moment, then…
SHREK
The one and only.
ARTIE
Give me just a second.
Artie turns back to the crowd and delivers a heartfelt
speech.
ARTIE
My good people, I think there’s a
lesson here for all of us. Maybe
the next time you’re about to dunk
a kid’s head in a chamber pot,
you’ll stop and think, hey, maybe
this guy has feelings. Maybe I
should cut him some slack. Because
maybe, just maybe… this guy’s
gonna turn out to be, uh…I
dunno…a King. And maybe his
first royal decree will be to
banish everyone who ever picked on
him — that’s right, I’m looking at
you, jousting team.
Artie points and Lancelot and his buddies look horrified.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 43.
ARTIE
And Gwen… oh Gwen. I’ve always
loved you.
GUINEVERRE
Ew.
ARTIE
Well good friends, it breaks my
heart, but, enjoy your stay here in
prison while I rule the free world
baby.
SHREK
Alright, let’s not overdo it.
ARTIE
I’m building my city people. On
Rock and Roll.
SHREK
You just overdid it.
Shrek shoves the kid through the door.
ARTIE
Ow.
Shrek, Donkey, and Puss exit the gymnasium.
CUT TO:
INT. LIBRARY — DAY
All the Princesses and Fairy-tale Creatures have gathered for
Fiona’s baby shower. A group of birds gently place a
flowered wreath on Fiona’s head. The Princesses all gaze at
her.
PRINCESSES
(GASP)
Oh.
SNOW WHITE
Look at you.
RAPUNZEL
Wow.
SNOW WHITE
You look darling.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 44.
SLEEPING BEAUTY
Just precious. Look at her.
RAPUNZEL
So, have you had any cravings since
you’ve been pregnant?
Fiona stands at the buffet table, stuffing her face with
cakes, pies, and anything else she can get her hands on.
FIONA
(MOUTH FULL)
No, no, not at all.
She takes another bite.
FIONA
Do you smell ham?
SNOW WHITE
(SINGING)
Oooh. It’s present time.
The birds and forest creatures all flock to Snow White. They
chirp and hoot happily. Snow White looks annoyed.
CINDERELLA
Oh, Fiona, won’t you please open
mine first? It’s the one in front.
Fiona reads the card.
FIONA
(READING)
«Congratulations on your new mess
maker…» Oh, `mess maker.’
(LAUGHS)
«Hopefully this helps. Love,
Cinderella.»
Fiona opens it and pulls out a plastic baggy and pooper-
scooper.
PRINCESSES
Oooo. Aaaah.
DORIS
Will you look at that?
SLEEPING BEAUTY
What is it?
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 45.
CINDERELLA
It’s for the poopies.
SLEEPING BEAUTY
Eww. Wait, babies poop?
RAPUNZEL
Everyone poops Beauty.
The Fairy-tale Creatures get excited.
PIG #2
Fiona…
PIG #1
Fiona. We all chipped in for a
little present too.
PIGS
Yah.
Pinocchio spins around, revealing a «Baby-Bjorn» with
Gingerbread Man inside.
GINGERBREAD MAN/PINOCCHIO
Ta dah.
PRINCESSES
Oooh.
GINGERBREAD MAN
You know the baby’s gonna love it
because I do.
FIONA
Oh, you guys, that’s so sweet.
Thank you.
Fiona turns to another present.
FIONA
Who’s this one from?
SNOW WHITE
I got you the biggest one because I
love you the most.
The other girls scowl at her.
FIONA
(reading the card)
«Have one on me, love Snow White»
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 46.
Fiona pulls the string, opening the box to reveal a dwarf.
FIONA
(CONFUSED)
Umm… what is it?
SNOW WHITE
Ha, haaa. He’s a live-in baby-
sitter.
NANNY DWARF
Where’s the baby?
FIONA
You’re too kind, Snow, but I can’t
accept this.
SNOW WHITE
Think nothing of it. I’ve got six
more at home.
FIONA
What does he do?
CINDERELLA
The cleaning.
SNOW WHITE
The feeding.
NANNY DWARF
The burping.
FIONA
So what are Shrek and I supposed to
do?
RAPUNZEL
Well, now you’ll have plenty of
time to work on your marriage.
FIONA
Gee thanks Rapunzel, and what’s
that supposed to mean?
RAPUNZEL
Oh, come on now, Fiona. You know
what happens.
Cinderella prods beauty.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 47.
SLEEPING BEAUTY
(WAKING)
Huh? You’re tired all the time…
SNOW WHITE
You’ll start letting yourself go…
GINGERBREAD MAN
Stretch marks.
RAPUNZEL
Say goodbye to romance.
Dragon puts her head through the window.
DRAGON
Yort.
FIONA
Um sorry… but how many of you
have kids?
Doris wedges herself in on the couch.
DORIS
She’s right. A baby is only gonna
strengthen the love that Shrek and
Fiona have. How did Shrek react
when you told him? Tell me.
Fiona smiles.
FIONA
Well, when he first found
out…Shrek said-
DRAGON
Roarrr.
CUT TO:
EXT. SKY ABOVE FAR FAR AWAY — DAY
The Fairy-tale Villains are heading into town on flying
broomsticks. The Evil Trees are hanging underneath some of
the large broomsticks. Prince Charming is riding side saddle
with one of the witches.
PRINCE CHARMING (CONT’D)
(LAUGHING)
Onward my new friends.
(MORE)
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 48.
PRINCE CHARMING (CONT’D)
To our happily ever afters. Ha ha
ha ha ha.
A bug flies into his mouth.
PRINCE CHARMING
Gaa. Gulp. Ahhhh.
Prince Charming takes the bug out of his mouth.
PRINCE CHARMING
Now, bombs away!
From the sky, Prince Charming, Cyclops and the Evil Witches
swoop down in «winged» formation on the broomsticks.
The Evil Trees are dropped like bombs. They pull their
branches (i.e. rip cord) to activate their plumage as
parachutes. Prince Charming and his army dive bomb towards
Rodeo Drive.
EXT. RODEO DRIVE — CONTINUOUS
A POV shot of an Evil Witch flying over Rodeo Drive. People
are diving out of her way.
The Evil Trees land, surrounding the shoppers, who flee in
terror.
EVIL TREES
Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
A shadow falls over the child, and he looks up to reveal
Captain Hook and the Headless Horseman on horseback.
CAPTAIN HOOK
Well, well, well. If it isn’t
Peter Pan.
MOTHER
His name’s not Peter.
CAPTAIN HOOK
Shut it, Wendy.
MOTHER
Ahhh.
Evil dwarves chase patrons from the «Ye Olde Booteria» shop.
They replace a few letters on a store window and turn it into
«Ye Olde HOOTERS.»
The excited patrons race back in.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 49.
An Evil Knight scares the patrons of Farbucks away and then
takes a seat to drink the unfinished coffee.
Another Villain throws a cart through a store window.
Cyclops rips the stamps off some envelopes, puts the
envelopes back in the mailbox and laughs.
CYCLOPS
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
The camera pans up to Prince Charming on the broomstick
flying down Rodeo Drive.
PRINCE CHARMING
Enough pillaging. To the castle.
Prince Charming, on the broom, leads the Fairy-tale Villains
up to the castle.
CUT TO:
EXT. CASTLE — CONTINUOUS
The Evil Witches surround the castle. Dragon takes down one
of the witches flying by, but more Evil Witches circle her.
Fiona runs to the window.
The Evil Witches drop a metal net over Dragon. She
struggles.
DRAGON
Roarrrr.
CUT TO:
INT. LIBRARY — CONTINUOUS
BANG! The Fairy-tale Creatures run to barricade the door.
The Three Pigs and Pinocchio push a dresser and other
furniture in front of the door.
The Fairy-tale Creatures are fortifying the room. They brace
themselves against the furniture.
GINGERBREAD MAN
(TO FIONA)
You go and take care of the baby.
The Princesses panic.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 50.
SNOW WHITE
Everybody stay calm. We’re all
going to die.
Doris slaps Snow White to calm her down.
SNOW WHITE
(WHIMPER)
Fiona rushes to the fireplace and pushes it to one side,
revealing an underground passageway.
FIONA
Everyone in. Now.
INT. OUTSIDE LIBRARY DOOR — CONTINUOUS
Prince Charming commands the Villains.
PRINCE CHARMING
C’mon. Put some back into it
people.
The Villains use an Evil Tree as a battering ram. Cyclops
rides the tree like a mechanical bull.
CYCLOPS
Yee-haw. Ow.
INT. LIBRARY — CONTINUOUS
BOOM! The door is starting to give way.
FIONA
We don’t have time. Now go.
QUEEN
Quickly ladies.
The Princesses go down the stairs.
GINGERBREAD MAN
We’ll hold them off as long as we
can.
BOOM! There is a loud explosion and the door blows open.
Prince Charming and the Fairy-tale Villains enter. He spots
the Fairy-tale Creatures having a tea party.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 51.
PRINCE CHARMING
Where are Shrek and Fiona?
GINGERBREAD MAN
Name doesn’t ring a bell.
PIG #1
Yah.
PIG #2
No bell.
The Fairy-tale Creatures go back to drinking their tea.
PRINCE CHARMING
I suggest you freaks cooperate with
the new King of Far Far Away.
GINGERBREAD MAN
The only thing you’re ever gonna be
King of is «King of the Stupids.»
Prince Charming snaps his fingers.
PRINCE CHARMING
Hook.
CAPTAIN HOOK
Right.
Captain Hook approaches Gingerbread Man.
CAPTAIN HOOK
Avast, ye cookie.
He raises his hook under Gingerbread Man’s chin.
CAPTAIN HOOK
Start talkin’.
Gingerbread Man tries to hold strong, but passes out.
A montage of Gingerbread Man’s life flashes before his eyes.
INT. BAKERY — DAY
A baker pulls some gingerbread cookies out of the oven. He
puts on the gum drop buttons and Gingerbread Man is born.
MUFFIN MAN
Gingy.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 52.
GINGERBREAD MAN
Papa.
INT. GINGERBREAD CLASSROOM — DAY
Gingerbread Man is attending school.
TEACHER
Settle down, now.
Gingerbread Man graduates.
EXT. ROAD TRIP — DAY
Gingerbread Man is driving in his car with the top down.
INT. MOVIE THEATER — NIGHT
Gingerbread Man is making out with his girlfriend at a movie.
EXT. CHURCH — DAY
Gingerbread Man and his bride run down the aisle as man and
wife.
INT. FARQUAAD’S CASTLE — DAY
Gingerbread Man is locked in a jail. Farquaad pulls off his
legs.
INT. GYM — DAY
Gingerbread Man is running on a treadmill, doing his
rehabilitation.
EXT. WHEAT FIELD — DAY
Gingerbread Man is running through a wheat field.
CUT BACK TO:
INT. LIBRARY — CONTINUOUS
Gingerbread Man is still in a dream state singing.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 53.
GINGERBREAD MAN
(SINGING)
«On the Good Ship Lollypop,
It’s a sweet trip,
To the candy shop,
Where the Bon Bons play,
On the sunny beach of Peppermint
Bay..»
Prince Charming becomes frustrated, he turns Pinocchio’s head
towards him.
PRINCE CHARMING
You. You can’t lie. So tell me
puppet… Where is Shrek?
Pinocchio thinks.
PINOCCHIO
(NERVOUS)
Well, I don’t know where he’s not.
Prince Charming gets in Pinocchio’s face.
PRINCE CHARMING
You’re telling me you don’t know
where Shrek is?
Pinocchio is still a little nervous.
PINOCCHIO
It wouldn’t be inaccurate to assume
that I couldn’t exactly not say
that is or isn’t almost partially
incorrect.
Pinocchio thinks he has the upper hand.
PRINCE CHARMING
So you do know where he is.
PINOCCHIO
On the contrary, I’m possibly more
or less, not definitely rejecting
the idea, that in no way, with any
amount of uncertainty that…
PRINCE CHARMING
Stop it.
PINOCCHIO (CONT’D)
…I undeniably do or do not know
where he shouldn’t probably be.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 54.
Captain Hook scratches his head, even the Three Little Pigs
are frustrated.
PINOCCHIO
If that indeed wasn’t where he
isn’t. Even if he wasn’t not where
I knew he was could mean that I
wouldn’t completely not know where
he wasn’t.
Gingerbread Man continues to sing his «Lollipop Song.»
PIG #1
Oh, enough. Shrek went off to
bring back the next heir. Oh.
The pig realizes his admission and immediately covers his
mouth. Pinocchio laughs nervously.
PRINCE CHARMING
He’s bringing back the next heir?
PINOCCHIO
No.
Pinocchio’s nose grows.
PRINCE CHARMING
Hook, get rid of this new «King.»
CAPTAIN HOOK
Right.
PRINCE CHARMING
But bring Shrek to me. I have
something special in mind for him.
PINOCCHIO
He’ll never fall for your tricks.
Pinocchio’s nose grows again.
WOLF
Oh boy.
CUT TO:
EXT. BOAT DECK — DUSK
The boat cuts through the open sea. Artie smiles as he
watches Worcestershire shrinking away on the horizon.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 55.
ARTIE
I can’t believe it… me a King?
I…I mean I knew I came from
royalty and all, but I just figured
everyone forgot about me.
He looks out to sea, disbelieving.
SHREK
Oh no, in fact, the King asked for
you personally.
Artie smiles.
ARTIE
Really? Wow. Look, I know it’s not
all gonna be fun and games.
SHREK
It really is all fun and games,
actually. Sure, you have to knight
a few heroes, launch a ship or two.
By the way, make sure you hit the
boat just right with the bottle.
ARTIE
Boat with the bottle? Any idiot
can hit a boat with a bottle.
Shrek chuckles sheepishly.
SHREK
Well, I’ve heard it’s harder than
it looks.
ARTIE
Whoa. This is gonna be huge.
Parties, princesses, castles…
princesses.
DONKEY
It’s gonna be great, Artie. You’ll
be living in the lap of luxury.
They got the finest chefs around
waiting for you to place your
order.
Puss jumps up onto the railing next to Artie.
PUSS
And fortunately you’ll have the
royal food tasters.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 56.
ARTIE
(INTRIGUED))
Oh yeah? What do they do?
PUSS
They taste the food before the King
eats, to make sure it’s not
poisoned.
ARTIE
Poisoned?
Shrek senses trouble and immediately steps in.
SHREK
Or too salty.
Shrek turns to Puss and Donkey, trying to shut them up.
DONKEY
(TO ARTIE)
Don’t worry about it. You’ll be
safe and sound with the help of
your body guards.
ARTIE
Body guards?
PUSS
All of them, willing at a moment’s
notice to lay down their own lives
out of devotion to you.
ARTIE
Really?
PUSS
Si, and the whole kingdom will look
to you for wisdom and guidance.
Behind Artie, Shrek mouths «shut-up» to Puss and Donkey.
DONKEY
Just make sure they don’t die of
famine.
PUSS
Or plague.
DONKEY
Oh, plague is bad.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 57.
PUSS
The coughing, the groaning, the
festering sores.
Shrek interrupts with a mock laugh.
SHREK
Oh. Festering sores. Hey, you are
one funny kitty cat.
PUSS
What did I say?
SHREK
We don’t want Artie here getting
the wrong idea.
Shrek motions to Artie, but he’s gone. They all look around.
SHREK (CONT’D)
Uh, Artie?
The boat suddenly pitches to the right. Shrek braces
himself. Puss and Donkey tumble away.
ALL
Whoa.
Artie swings the wheel around, sending the boat back in the
direction of his school. Shrek works his way into the cabin
and gains control of the wheel. The drunken Ship Captain
slides by.
SHIP CAPTAIN
Whoa. Oh, there goes my hip.
SHREK
Artie.
Shrek turns the wheel the other way.
SHREK (CONT’D)
What are you doing?
The boat veers again, heading back toward Far Far Away.
Artie falls to the ground and slides to the back of the boat.
A shuffle board stick slides next to Artie. He grabs it.
ARTIE
What does it look like?
He jams it in the boat’s wheel. The boat lurches.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 58.
He swings the boat back in the other direction. Shrek rises
up and grabs the wheel and turns it.
SHREK
This really isn’t up to you.
Artie falls underneath the wheel. He stands up shoving the
wheel back the other way.
ARTIE
But I don’t know anything about
being King.
SHREK
You’ll learn on the job.
Donkey and Puss roll across the deck.
DONKEY
Whoaaa.
Shrek grabs the wheel and swings it around. Artie yanks the
wheel. They wrestle for control.
ARTIE
Sorry to disappoint you, but I’m
going back.
SHREK
Back to what? Being a loser?
As soon as the word leaves his lips, Shrek knows he’s gone
too far. Stung, Artie lets go of the wheel, leaving Shrek to
yank hard on it. He pulls the steering column from the
decking.
SHREK (CONT’D)
Now look what you did!
ARTIE
Look what I did? Who’s holding the
wheel chief?
Donkey climbs up onto the railing. He is seasick and is
about to puke when he sees jagged rocks ahead.
DONKEY
(SWALLOWING; THEN
SHOUTING)
Shrek.
Shrek desperately sets the wheel back down and tries to steer
the ship clear of the rocks.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 59.
The camera pans past the boat. Off-screen we hear the boat
crash into the rocks.
SHIP CAPTAIN (O.S.)
Land ho.
EXT. BEACH — DUSK
Shrek, holding Puss and Donkey, staggers onto a small beach.
He glares at Artie who pulls himself out of the surf. Shrek
drops Puss and Donkey.
Puss, tired of being wet, shakes himself vigorously. His fur
puffs up into a fro. He drops his head in shame.
PUSS
How humiliating…
SHREK
Oh, nice going, Your Highness.
ARTIE
Oh, so now it’s «Your highness?»
What happened to «loser?» Huh?
SHREK
Hey, if you think this is getting
you out of anything, well it isn’t.
We’re heading back to Far Far Away
one way or another, and you’re
gonna be a father.
Artie raises an eyebrow. Puss and Donkey stare at Shrek
uncomfortably.
ARTIE
What?
DONKEY
(clearing his throat)
A-hem. You just said father…
SHREK
You’re… I said king. You’re
gonna be King.
ARTIE
(IMITATING SHREK)
«You’re gonna be King.» Yeah
right.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 60.
Artie shakes his head and marches down the beach toward a
path into the woods.
SHREK
Where do you think you’re going?
ARTIE
Far Far Away… from you.
SHREK
You get back here young man and I
mean it.
Artie keeps climbing.
PUSS
Uh boss, I don’t think he’s coming
back and maybe it’s for the best.
He is not exactly king material.
Shrek looks towards Artie.
DONKEY
When were you planning on telling
him that you were really supposed
to be King?
SHREK
Oh c’mon, now why would I do that?
Besides, he’ll be ten times better
at it than me.
Shrek starts off after Artie. Donkey jumps in front of Shrek.
DONKEY
Hey, woah ho ho, Shrek. Then
you’re gonna have to change your
tactics if you want to get anywhere
with this kid.
Beat.
SHREK
You’re right, Donkey.
Shrek picks up a piece of driftwood.
SHREK
What about this?
Donkey shakes his head in disgust.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 61.
DONKEY
Shrek.
Shrek tosses the log.
SHREK
Oh c’mon. It’s just a joke.
(LAUGHS)
Still…
Shrek walks off, trying to catch up to Artie.
EXT. FOREST — MOMENTS LATER
Artie marches up the mountain trail.
Shrek thinks for a moment and then tries a different tactic
with the kid. He catches up to Artie.
SHREK
Listen Artie…
Artie looks back over his shoulder. He sees Shrek and just
keeps going.
SHREK (CONT’D)
If you think this whole mad scene
ain’t dope, I feel you dude. I
mean, I’m not trying to get up in
your grill or raise your roof or
whatever, but what I am screaming
is, yo, check out this kazing
thazing bazaby.
Puss and Donkey glance at each other. Artie notices a
cottage in the distance and heads toward it.
SHREK
I mean, if it doesn’t groove or
what I’m saying ain’t straight
trippin’, just say, oh no you
didn’t, you know, you’re gettin’ on
my last nerve. And then I’ll know
it’s… then I’ll know it’s whack—
Passing a tree, Artie nonchalantly releases the branch,
striking Shrek square in the face and takes off running.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 62.
EXT. MERLIN’S CAMP — CONTINUOUS
A boiling soup pot sits over a fire in front of a small
shack. Artie charges though, pounding desperately on the
door.
ARTIE
Somebody help! I’ve been kidnapped
by a monster who’s trying to relate to me!
SHREK
Artie, wait.
Shrek, Puss, and Donkey run into the camp.
ARTIE
C’mon. C’mon. Help. Help.
Hello?
Suddenly, a burst of light shoots through a candle box that
is hung on the door. A bright, colorful image of an old
wizard’s head is projected out. Donkey is terrified.
DONKEY
AHHHH.
WIZARD HEAD (MERLIN)
Greetings cosmic children of the
universe, and welcome to my
serenity circle!
Shrek watches.
WIZARD HEAD (MERLIN)
Please leave any bad vibes outside
the healing vortex. And now
prepare …
With a «FZZZT» and a «BLOOP», the image disappears.
The door opens and a tiny old man, Merlin, comes out.
MERLIN
I knew I should of gotten that
warranty.
Merlin smashes the security device with his little fist and
is promptly zapped in the head.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 63.
MERLIN
Ahh. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
ARTIE
Mr. Merlin?
SHREK
You know this guy?
ARTIE
Yeah. He was the school’s magic
teacher until he had his nervous
breakdown.
MERLIN
Uh, technically I was merely a
victim of a level three fatigue,
and at the request of my therapist
and the school authorities, I have
retired to the tranquility of
nature to discover my divine
purpose.
Merlin smacks a fly that has landed on his head.
Shrek and Artie stare in astonishment.
MERLIN
Now, can I interest anyone in a
snack or beverage?
SHREK
Uh, no.
Merlin offers up a baking dish full of rocks.
MERLIN
Sure you don’t wanna try my famous
rock au-gratin?
Merlin takes a bite and chews loudly. His gums are bleeding
from eating rocks.
MERLIN
It’s organic.
They both stare at him uncomfortably.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 64.
SHREK
Oh, thanks, I just ate a boulder on
the way in. What we need are
directions back to Far Far Away.
ARTIE
What’s with the «we»? Who said I
was going with you?
SHREK
Oh, I did. Cause there’s a lot of
people counting on you so don’t try
and weasel out of it.
ARTIE
If it’s such a great job, why don’t
you do it?
SHREK
Understand this kid, it’s no more
Mr. Nice Guy from here on out.
ARTIE
Oh, so that was your «Mr. Nice
Guy?»
SHREK
I know, and I’m gonna miss him.
ARTIE
You know what? Why don’t you go
terrorize a village and leave me
alone?
SHREK
Oh, is that some kind of crack
about ogres? You get your royal
highness to Far Far Away before I
kick it there.
(TO MERLIN)
Now which way am I kicking?
MERLIN
Oh, I could tell you. But since
you’re in the midst of self-
destructive rage spiral it would be
karmic-ly irresponsible.
SHREK
Self-destructive ra…
(TO MERLIN)
Look, are you gonna help us or not?
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 65.
MERLIN
Most definitely, but only after you
take the journey to your soul.
SHREK
Yeah, I don’t think so.
MERLIN
Look pal, it’s either that or some
primal scream therapy.
Ahhhhhhhhhh.
Shrek grabs Merlin’s mouth and closes it.
SHREK
Alright, alright… journey to the
soul…
CUT TO:
EXT. MERLIN’S CAMP — LATER
A fire blazes.
Merlin throws a handful of dirt into the fire, it flares.
MERLIN
Now all of you, look into the «Fire
of Truth» and tell me what you see!
Yah. Ha.
(Wild war cry)
Woo-looo-looo-looo.
He points at the smoke and it starts to form objects (i.e.
Rorschach inkblots).
Puss and Donkey, excited, sit by the fire.
DONKEY
Ooo. Charades. Okay, I see a
dutch fudge torte with cinnamon
swirls.
MERLIN
Okay. Monster, go for it.
Shrek glances at the fire. The stroller from his nightmare
begins to take shape in the smoke. He blows the image away.
He covers his fear and changes the subject.
SHREK
I see a rainbow pony.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 66.
MERLIN
Excellent work.
(THEN)
Now. The boy.
ARTIE
This is lame.
Merlin whacks Artie on the back of the head.
ARTIE
Ow.
MERLIN
You’re lame. Now just go for it.
He tosses more dirt and flames burst up. Artie studies it.
ARTIE
Okay. There’s a baby bird and a
father bird sitting in a nest.
Merlin starts beating a drum. Artie’s expression starts to
change as he stays focused.
MERLIN
Yes. Stay with it. Stay with it.
ARTIE
Wait, the dad just flew away. Why
did he leave the little bird all
alone?
Shrek starts to take this in as he watches. Artie gets more
worked up.
ARTIE
It’s trying to fly, but it doesn’t
know how to. It.. it’s gonna fall.
Suddenly, Artie catches what he said. As the smoke drifts
away, he looks and sees everyone else staring back at him,
stunned.
MERLIN
Whew, proper head case you are,
aren’t you? Really messed up.
Whoa.
Merlin goes back inside. They all stare at Artie.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 67.
ARTIE
Yeah, yeah, okay. I get it. The
bird’s me. My dad left. So what?
Donkey gives Shrek a nudge to go over and talk to Artie.
Shrek hesitates and Donkey insists.
SHREK
(CLEARS THROAT)
Look Artie…um-
Just as he’s about to get going, «That’s What Friends Are
For» starts playing loudly from Merlin’s security device
drowning out any conversation. They all turn toward the
shack where Merlin peeks out.
MERLIN
(loud, over the music)
Just thought I might help set the
mood! Y’know for your big heart to
heart chat!
Everyone stares at him.
He sheepishly turns off the device and shuts the door. It’s
quiet again.
SHREK
I know what it’s like to not feel
ready for something.
Artie looks at him.
SHREK
Even ogres get scared…you know,
once in a while.
ARTIE
I know you want me to be king, but
I can’t. I’m not cut out for it and
I never will be, alright?
Shrek takes this in.
ARTIE (CONT’D)
Even my own dad knew I wasn’t worth
the trouble. He dumped me at that
school the first chance he got and
I never heard from him again.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 68.
SHREK
My dad wasn’t really the fatherly
type either.
ARTIE
Well, I doubt he was worse than
mine.
SHREK
Oh yeah? My father was an ogre.
He tried to eat me.
Artie looks at Shrek.
SHREK
Now, I guess I should have seen it
coming. He used to give me a bath
in barbecue sauce and put me to bed
with an apple in my mouth.
Artie chuckles at this.
ARTIE
Okay… I guess that’s… pretty
bad.
Artie laughs and then pokes at the fire.
SHREK
You know, it may be hard to believe
what with my obvious charm and good
looks, but people used to think
that I was a monster. And for a
long time, I believed them.
Artie looks up at Shrek.
SHREK (CONT’D)
But after awhile, you learn to
ignore the names that people call
you and you just trust who you are.
Artie gently pokes at the embers with a stick for a moment.
ARTIE
You know, you’re okay, Shrek.
He tosses the stick into the fire.
ARTIE
You just need to do a little less
yelling and use a little more soap.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 69.
SHREK
Thanks Artie.
ARTIE
The soap’s because you stink.
Really bad.
SHREK
Yeah. I got that.
The camera slowly booms up and away from the group as the
fire continues to burn.
CUT TO:
INT. SEWER CATACOMBS — CONTINUOUS
The Princesses, Fiona and Queen Lillian are surrounded by
darkness as they tiptoe down the steps and into the catacombs
below the castle.
They round a corner and step onto a ledge with Fiona leading
the way, holding a torch.
CINDERELLA
Oh this place is filthy. I feel
like a hobo.
Fiona tries to keep her frustration in check.
SNOW WHITE
I’m sorry but this just isn’t
working for me.
Sleeping Beauty, still being carried by Doris, wakes up.
SLEEPING BEAUTY
Everything’s always about you,
isn’t it? It’s not like your
attitude is helping, Snow.
SNOW WHITE
Well maybe it just bothers you that
I was voted fairest in the land.
RAPUNZEL
You mean in that rigged election?
SNOW WHITE
Oh, give me a break.
(gesturing toward hair)
(MORE)
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 70.
SNOW WHITE (cont’d)
«Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down thy
golden extensions!»
QUEEN
Ladies, let go of your petty
complaints and let’s work together.
Snow White and Rapunzel share an indignant look.
Fiona travels deeper into the catacombs. The other
Princesses follow.
SNOW WHITE
So I guess the plan is we just
wander aimlessly in this stink hole
until we rot.
FIONA
No, we’re gonna get inside and find
out what Charming’s up to.
DORIS
I know he’s a jerk and everything,
but I gotta admit, that Charming
makes me hotter than July.
SLEEPING BEAUTY
Ew.
RAPUNZEL
Ugh.
Finally, Fiona spots what she was looking for.
FIONA
That’s it.
Fiona, Queen Lillian, and the Princesses run towards a long ladder
and climb up through a grate into the main castle courtyard.
EXT. CASTLE GROUNDS — CONTINUOUS
They peer around a corner and see the construction of an
outdoor theater is underway. Two stagehands walk by carrying
a large dragon set piece. Evil dwarves are busy painting the
set. The finishing touches are put on the stage tower.
The Princesses hug the wall as a group of guards march by.
Rapunzel takes off in the other direction, and signals the
Princesses to follow her.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 71.
RAPUNZEL
Come on, this way.
FIONA
Rapunzel. Wait.
Fiona and the Princesses race after Rapunzel. They spot her
sprinting into the castle and follow her. They burst through
the doors and see Prince Charming holding Rapunzel by the
arm.
FIONA
Charming, let go of her.
A large group of armed Far Far Away Guards surround them.
Prince Charming smiles at Fiona.
PRINCE CHARMING
But why would I want to do that?
RAPUNZEL
Grrrr.
PRINCE CHARMING
Woof.
He looks back at Rapunzel lovingly, and the two share a long
kiss. Fiona and the other Princesses are shocked.
FIONA
What?
PRINCE CHARMING
Say hello ladies, to the new Queen
of Far Far Away.
Cinderella claps excitedly.
CINDERELLA
Yaaaaaaaaay.
The Princesses stare her down.
FIONA
Rapunzel, how could you?
RAPUNZEL
Jealous much?
Prince Charming eyes up the Princesses.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 72.
PRINCE CHARMING
Soon you’ll be back where you
started… scrubbing floors or
locked away in towers; that is, if
I let you last the week.
RAPUNZEL
But Pooky, you promised you
wouldn’t hurt them.
PRINCE CHARMING
Not here, «kitten whiskers.» Daddy
will discuss it later. Now forgive
us, we have a show to put on.
FIONA
Shrek will be back soon Charming,
and you’ll be sorry.
He stops and flashes a sadistic smile.
PRINCE CHARMING
Sorry? Don’t you realize —once
Shrek sets foot in Far Far Away
he’s doomed?
Prince Charming leads Rapunzel out. She looks back at them
apologetically. Everyone wears a look of defeat.
The guards march them off.
Fiona and the princesses are locked away in a prison cell.
Fiona looks through the bars of the cell, feeling helpless.
CUT TO:
EXT. WOODS OUTSIDE OF FAR FAR AWAY — DAY
Shrek startles awake. He sits up and scratches his head,
looking around. He realizes it’s morning.
Behind him a peaceful bird lands on a tree branch. Suddenly,
the tree branch that was holding the bird flicks it off.
Shrek senses the movement behind him and turns around to find
everything is normal. He turns back around to wake up
everyone.
The trees start to advance toward Shrek.
The log Artie is sleeping on suddenly sits up, knocking
Artie, who is still asleep, to the ground.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 73.
ARTIE
Ow.
The tree turns around to reveal an Evil Tree. Donkey finally
wakes up.
DONKEY
Ahhh.
The Evil Trees continue to advance. A piano is heard. The
trees part and Hook is revealed to be playing the piano.
The music builds to a dramatic finale. Captain Hook turns
away from his keys and faces them.
DONKEY
Look out. They’ve got a piano.
CAPTAIN HOOK
Kill ’em all. Except the fat one.
He stares hard at Shrek and aims his hooked prosthetic.
CAPTAIN HOOK
King Charming has something special
in mind for you, ogre.
Shrek is perplexed.
SHREK
«King Charming?»
CAPTAIN HOOK
Attack.
Pirates charge forward, swinging in from the tree branches.
PIRATES
Aaaargh.
One lands and gets his peg-leg stuck in the ground.
The pirates close in. Shrek grabs one and throws him to the
side.
One pirate raises his sword and prepares to swing at Artie.
SHREK
Artie, Duck.
Shrek pushes Artie’s head down and the sword narrowly misses
him. The pirate prepares to swing again and Shrek lifts
Artie above his head.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 74.
Still in the air, Artie uses both legs to kick the pirate to
the ground. Shrek and Artie share a satisfied look.
A pirate charges Donkey.
DONKEY
Ahhh.
Puss draws his sword and begins fighting off the pirate,
protecting Donkey.
CAPTAIN HOOK
Ha-ha. Argh.
PIRATES
Argh. Argh.
The camera pans across the back of the piano to reveal Merlin
happily playing along with Captain Hook. He notices and
rudely elbows Merlin out of the way.
A pirate runs at Shrek, only to be tripped by Artie. The
pirate bounces off Shrek’s belly.
CAPTAIN HOOK
Ready the plank.
A wooden board is thrown on a stump, creating a makeshift
«plank.» The pirates back Shrek onto the plank.
Several pirates with swords force Shrek onto the plank. He
is backed up to the edge of the plank and falls into a
waiting treasure chest below. Several pirates try to shut the
lid on him.
Puss, Donkey and Artie are trying to hold off the Villains.
Suddenly, two Evil Trees come into frame and scoop Puss,
Donkey and Artie up in a net.
The pirates aim the cannon at Puss, Donkey and Artie. Artie
starts to panic. Puss extracts his claws and tries to cut
through the netting.
The cannon fuse is lit.
Shrek bursts open the treasure chest and stands up with the
chest still stuck to his behind.
DONKEY
Shrek.
ARTIE
Help.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 75.
Shrek sees the lit fuse and quickly formulates a plan. He
grabs two pirates and shoves them into the treasure chest.
He tosses the chest onto the other end of the plank and
catapults himself over to the cannon. At the last second,
Shrek is able to aim the cannon in the opposite direction.
The cannon fires and hits Captain Hook’s piano, blowing it
into pieces.
Realizing their defeat, the Evil Trees drop the netting that
holds Donkey, Puss and Artie. The Evil Trees and Pirates
take off running.
Captain Hook turns and sees his army running off. He shakes
his hook in the air.
CAPTAIN HOOK
Ya cowards.
SHREK
What has Charming done with Fiona?
CAPTAIN HOOK
She’s gonna get what’s coming to
her.
He raises his hook threateningly but it gets caught on an
Evil Tree’s branch and is dragged away with the rest of the
Villains.
CAPTAIN HOOK
Ahhh.
(YELLING BACK)
And there ain’t nothing you can do
to stop him.
TIGHT ON SHREK, filled with worry. Nothing else matters to
him now.
Artie, Puss, and Donkey run over to Shrek.
PUSS
We’ve got to save her.
DONKEY
But she’s so far far away.
Shrek thinks for a moment.
SHREK
Get yourself back to
Worcestershire, kid.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 76.
ARTIE
No, Shrek. Hold on a second. I’ve
got an idea.
EXT. MERLIN’S CAMP — CONTINUOUS
Merlin is sitting cross-legged, deep in meditation. Artie
approaches him.
MERLIN
(CHANTING)
I’m a buzzing bee, buzz, buzz,
buzz…
ARTIE
Mr. Merlin, they need a spell to
get them…I mean, us, back to Far
Far Away.
Merlin stops meditating and looks out of the corner of his
eye at Artie.
MERLIN
(GETTING UP)
Forget it. I don’t have that kind
of magic in me anymore, kid. How
about a hug instead? Hmm? That’s
the best kind of magic.
Artie tries a new approach.
ARTIE
Mr. Merlin please. I know you can
DO IT-
MERLIN
I said, forget it.
ARTIE
BUT-
Merlin turns and starts to walk away muttering under his
breath.
MERLIN (CONT’D)
Mumble, grumble, interrupt my
healing. Mumble, mumble.
Artie thinks for a moment, staring at Merlin. Artie starts
to sob. Merlin stops and turns around.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 77.
MERLIN
Oh. What, what’s with you?
Artie continues to cry.
ARTIE
It’s just so hard. You know? They
really need to get back `cause
their kingdom’s in trouble `cause
there’s a really bad man and it’s
just so hard…
Merlin is visibly uncomfortable.
MERLIN
C’mon, take it easy.
Artie’s blubbering becomes frustrated and unpredictable.
ARTIE
No. I don’t think you understand.
There’s a mean person doing mean
things to good people-
SHREK
Oh, have a heart old man.
Artie grabs him, now desperate.
ARTIE
And they really need your help to
get them back. So why won’t you
help them?
MERLIN
Oh.
Artie speaks one last, indecipherable line.
Merlin is stunned. He doesn’t know what to do.
MERLIN
Uh, Okay… I’ll go and get my
things.
Merlin goes into his cave. Artie immediately recovers.
Shrek is impressed.
ARTIE
Piece of cake.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 78.
SHREK
Well, well, well. You want some
eggs with that ham?
Shrek smiles.
Merlin returns holding a spell book.
MERLIN
Now, I am a little rusty, so there
could be some side effects.
DONKEY
Side effects?
MERLIN
Don’t worry, whatever it is, no
matter how excruciatingly painful
it may be, it’ll wear off
eventually… I think.
Merlin cracks his knuckles. A bolt of lighting shoots out
his hands and blows up a rock next to Donkey.
DONKEY
Ah.
MERLIN
Oops.
Donkey and Puss shoot Shrek a pleading look.
DONKEY
Are you sure this is a good idea?
SHREK
Look, if Artie trusts him, that’s
good enough for me. Even if his
robe doesn’t quite cover his-
MERLIN
Alacraticious expeditious, a zoomy
zoom zoom. Let’s help our friends
get back, um… soon.
Magic rays shoot out of Merlin’s fingers. Shrek, Puss,
Donkey and Artie disappear in a puff of smoke.
MERLIN
Woah. It worked.
CUT TO:
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 79.
EXT. SOMEWHERE IN THE WOODS — CONTINUOUS
They reappear and fall out of the sky and bounce through the
canopy of a large apple tree. They ping-pong through the
foliage and land in a heap at the base of the tree.
DONKEY
(moan and groan)
Donkey adjusts himself, feeling hung over.
DONKEY (CONT’D)
(in Puss’ body)
Oh man, I haven’t been on a trip
like that since college.
SHREK
Donkey?
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
What? Is there something in my
teeth?
Donkey’s eyes widen. He realizes his voice is coming out of
Puss’ body.
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
Huh? What the?
(GASP)
Oh no.
Donkey (in Puss’ body) grabs Puss’ hat. He looks down at
Puss’ boots. His tail begins to twitch.
DONKEY (CONT’D)
(in Puss’ body)
I’ve been abracadabra’d into a
fancy feasting second rate
sidekick.
Puss (in Donkey’s body) falls from a tree next to Donkey (in
Puss’ body).
PUSS
(in Donkey’s body)
At least you don’t look like some
kind of bloated roadside piñata.
You really should think about going
on a diet.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 80.
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
Yeah, and you should think about
getting yourself a pair of pants.
I feel all exposed and nasty.
Both Shrek and Artie stare at them. A strained smile pasted
to their faces. They burst out laughing.
Donkey joins Puss, both of them scowling.
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
Oh, so you two think this is funny?
Puss is fuming.
Shrek and Artie regain their composure.
ARTIE
(SNICKERS)
I’m really sorry guys.
SHREK
Don’t be. You got us back kid.
Shrek motions to Far Far Away, just a few miles ahead of
them. He turns back to Artie.
Artie smiles.
Donkey takes a few awkward steps in Puss’ body.
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. How in the
Hans Christian Andersen am I
supposed to parade around in these
goofy boots?
PUSS
Be very careful with those — HEE
HAW.
Puss is shocked by this. He tries to recover.
PUSS
They were made in Madrid by the
finest- HEE HAW.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 81.
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
Oh, you’ll learn to control that.
TIME CUT TO:
EXT. ENTRANCE TO FAR FAR AWAY — AFTERNOON
Shrek, Puss (in Donkey’s body), and Artie rush past a welcome
sign to the town that has been boarded over so it now reads
«Go Go Away.»
Donkey (in Puss’ body) struggles to walk. His tender new
feet hurt in their tiny boots.
DONKEY
Seriously man, you need some
comfort inserts or arch supports or
something.
(noticing Rodeo Drive)
Woah.
Inside the kingdom, Rodeo Drive is trashed. There is graffiti
everywhere.
Suddenly a carriage driven by Evil Witches comes zooming down
Rodeo Drive.
EVIL WITCHES
Woohoo.
The carriage zips around a corner on two wheels. A drunken
Evil Dwarf is almost hit by the carriage while crossing the
street.
Shrek is shocked by what he sees.
A crash is heard off-screen.
EVIL DWARF #1
Hey… watch it I’m walking here…
and I’m gonna keep going…
A large explosion is heard off-screen while Little Red Riding
Hood pick pockets the Evil Dwarf.
A carriage wheel on fire rolls by a marionette theatre with
Pinocchio dancing in it.
SHREK
Pinocchio?
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 82.
PINOCCHIO
Shrek.
Shrek and the rest rush over as the curtain starts to go down
on Pinocchio. He presses his puppet hands against the glass.
SHREK
Pinocchio.
PINOCCHIO
Help me.
SHREK
What happened?
PINOCCHIO
Charming and the Villains have
taken over everything. They
attacked us but Fiona and the
Princesses got away. And now she’s-
—
The time has run out. The cheesy music stops as the curtain
goes down.
SHREK
She’s what? She’s what?
Shrek looks at the marionette theatre and sees how much it
costs per show.
SHREK
(turns to Puss in Donkey’s
BODY)
Puss, loan me five bucks.
DONKEY
C’mon Puss, you heard the man, help
a brother out.
PUSS
(in Donkey’s body)
Do you see any pockets on me?
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
Hold on a second.
Donkey (in Puss’ body) removes his boot, he turns it over and
a bag of money falls onto the ground.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 83.
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
Aha.
Donkey (in Puss’ body) tosses the money to Shrek.
PUSS
(in Donkey’s body)
I had no idea …really …I swear.
Shrek quickly dumps the change into the machine. The music
starts and the curtain goes up again and Pinocchio dances.
SHREK
Quick, Pinocchio. Where is Fiona?
PINOCCHIO
Charming’s got her locked away some
place secret. You gotta find him.
He’s probably getting ready for the
SHOWWWW—
The curtain goes down again.
SHREK
Wait, wait, wait Pinocchio. What
show?
Pinocchio’s hand comes out from under the curtain and points
to a poster on the wall. Puss reads the poster out loud.
PUSS
(reading the poster)
It’s A Happily Ever After, After
All.
SHREK
Shrek’s final performance.
The picture shows Charming, sword raised in the air, with his
foot pinning Shrek, tongue sticking out of his mouth, to the
ground.
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
Whoa, Shrek. You didn’t tell us
you were in a play.
SHREK
Well I guess I’ve been so busy I
forgot to mention it.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 84.
GUARD #1 (O.S.)
It’s the ogre. Get him.
Shrek turns and sees a large group of Charming’s royal
knights, armed and ready. They drive them back into the
alley. Puss (in Donkey’s body) steps forward.
PUSS
(in Donkey’s body)
Don’t worry, Jefe. I got this.
He whips his head towards the oncoming guards. His eyes are
large and sweet. His lips pout. The guards are momentarily
hypnotized by his cuteness, until they realize they’re
staring at a donkey.
The guards recoil.
GUARD #2
Ugh. Kill it.
Puss (in Donkey’s body) immediately retreats.
Artie glances at the theater poster on the wall and steps
forward, confronting the guards.
ARTIE
Look, don’t you know who he thinks
he is? How dare you?
Shrek picks up on his plan.
SHREK
Donkey, we’re dealing with
amateurs.
The guards are confused. Artie tears the poster off the
wall. Shrek glances at Artie, who steps forward, yanking the
poster off the wall.
ARTIE
He’s a star people. Hello? I’m so
sorry about this Mr. Shrek.
SHREK
I’m gonna lose it.
ARTIE
I assume you have everything ready
for tonight. You did get the list
for the dressing room?
Donkey marches in.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 85.
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
Yeah, the breakfast croissants
stuffed with seared sashimi tuna.
Oh, and please tell me you at least
have the saffron corn with the
jalapeno honey butter cause our
client cannot get into his proper
emotional state without his
jalapeno honey butter.
SHREK
I just lost it.
GUARD #1
Uh…Maybe they should talk to
Nancy in Human Resources.
Shrek pushes the guards aside and continues on towards the
castle.
PUSS
(in Donkey’s body)
Oh, we’ll have much to say to
Nancy, I promise.
The guards look at each other nervously.
CUT TO:
INT. COURTYARD STAGE — DAY
A group of enchanted trees work on through their dance
number.
Two dwarfs on bungee chords helplessly swing back and forth
in the rear of the stage.
The camera lands on Prince Charming reading his lines next to
a Shrek stand in.
PRINCE CHARMING
(reading his lines from a
SCRIPT)
With this sword, I do- No.
He starts the line over.
PRINCE CHARMING
With this sword, I do smote thee.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 86.
Without looking, Prince Charming stabs the stand in, who
falls to the ground.
PRINCE CHARMING
(TO HIMSELF) )
Is that the right word? «Smote?»
«Smooote.» Is that even a word
actually? Maybe I should just
smite him.
Unseen stage hands drag the stand-in away.
PRINCE CHARMING
Let’s try this again. Now…
Stagehands shove another stand in onto the stage beside
Prince Charming.
PRINCE CHARMING
(playing the scene out
QUIETLY)
Shrek attacks me, I pretend to be
afraid.
(he fake screams)
Ooh…
Prince Charming does a quick mime of being afraid and
chuckles.
PRINCE CHARMING
I say…
(he riffles through pages)
«Finally the Kingdom will get the
happily ever after they deserve,
die Ogre», blah, blah, blah…
Without looking he stabs stand in #2. He falls to the ground.
Prince Charming is still frustrated.
PRINCE CHARMING
Oh. It just doesn’t feel real
enough yet.
He throws the sword to the ground and turns toward the
dancing villains who are staring at him.
PRINCE CHARMING
Who told you to stop dancing?
CYCLOPS
Uh… Wink and turn, wink and turn.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 87.
He throws the script on the ground and notices the stand-in.
PRINCE CHARMING
And what are you laying around for?
Get up. Honestly.
Prince Charming storms off.
CUT TO:
INT. CHARMING’S DRESSING ROOM — MOMENTS LATER
Prince Charming storms into his colossal gold leafed dressing
room, its walls covered with posters of inspirational sayings
and portraits of Prince Charming in different acting roles.
Slamming the door, he plops down in his throne chair in front
of a dressing table and large 3-way mirror. A statuette of
his mother is on the vanity. He looks at it intently.
PRINCE CHARMING
Our happily ever after is nearly
complete, mummy. And I assure you,
the people of this kingdom will pay
dearly for every second we’ve had
to wait.
Charming adjusts the mirror, revealing a reflection of Shrek
standing in the doorway. Artie, Puss and Donkey stand along
side him.
Prince Charming quickly stands up and faces Shrek.
SHREK
Break a leg. Or, on second
thought, let me break it for you.
He walks across the room as Prince Charming backs against his
dressing table.
Prince Charming fumbles behind his back and pushes a button
under the counter.
PRINCE CHARMING
Thank goodness you’re here. I was
beginning to think you might not
make it back in… time.
Shrek picks him up by the front of his shirt and scowls.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 88.
SHREK
Where’s Fiona?
PRINCE CHARMING
Don’t worry. She and the others
are safe. For now.
Shrek strengthens his grip.
Suddenly, a group of guards burst into the room and quickly
surround Shrek, Artie, Puss and Donkey.
ARTIE
Ow.
Prince Charming smiles.
Shrek looks around and realizes he’s beat. He drops Charming
with a thud.
Prince Charming brushes himself off as the guards surround
Shrek.
Prince Charming walks over to Artie. A smile grows across
his face.
PRINCE CHARMING
Let me guess… Arthur?
Artie looks indignant. He raises himself up.
ARTIE
It’s Artie, actually.
PRINCE CHARMING
This boy is supposed to be the new
King of Far Far Away?
Laughing, Prince Charming draws his sword and holds it up to
Artie’s neck.
PRINCE CHARMING
How pathetic. Now, stand still so I
won’t make a mess.
Shrek steps in.
SHREK
Charming, stop. I’m here now, you
got what you wanted. This isn’t
about him.
Artie is confused.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 89.
ARTIE
Then who’s it about? I’m supposed
to be King, right?
Shrek hesitates and then gathers himself.
SHREK
You weren’t really next in line for
the throne, okay? I was.
ARTIE
But you said the King asked for me
personally.
SHREK
Not exactly.
ARTIE
What’s that supposed to mean?
Shrek becomes defensive.
SHREK
Look, I said whatever I had to say,
alright. I wasn’t right for the
job, I just needed some fool to
replace me, and you fit the bill.
So just go.
Artie is stunned.
ARTIE
You were playing me the whole time.
Shrek fights back tears as he punishes Artie more.
SHREK
You catch on real fast kid… Maybe
you’re not as big of a loser as I
thought.
Puss (in Donkey’s body) is about to interject when Donkey (in
Puss’ body) covers his mouth and signals him to stay quiet.
ARTIE
You know, for a minute there, I
actually thought you —
PRINCE CHARMING
What? That he cared about you? He’s
an ogre. What did you expect?
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 90.
Prince Charming signals the guards to release Artie. He
stares at Shrek one last time and heads out.
Shrek lowers his head in shame.
PRINCE CHARMING
You really do have a way with
children, Shrek.
Prince Charming smiles and the guards lead Shrek off.
INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE CHARMING’S DRESSING ROOM:
Shrek is led by the guards down the hallway.
EXT. CASTLE GATE:
The scene cross-dissolves to Artie’s back as he walks away
from the castle. He gives one last look back, and angrily
storms away.
INT. DUNGEON:
Shrek’s ankles and wrists are shackled. Shrek pulls on his
chains. He sadly looks out the cell window.
INT. PRISON:
The scene cross-dissolves to another prison window. Fiona
comes to the window of her prison cell. She stares
sorrowfully at the castle in the distance.
INT. FAR FAR AWAY PRISON CELL — DAY
All of the Princesses, Queen Lillian and Fiona are locked up in
the same prison cell.
Cinderella is frantically scrubbing a spot on the floor to a
shine.
Fiona looks out the cell window towards the castle in the
distance. Behind her, Snow White paces around, complaining.
SNOW WHITE
Had we just stayed put like I
suggested, we could be sipping tea
out of little heart-shaped cups…
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 91.
CINDERELLA
Yeah… yeah, heart shaped cups.
SNOW WHITE
Eating crumpets smothered with
loganberries.
CINDERELLA
Yeah… loganberries.
SNOW WHITE
Shut up Cindy.
CINDERELLA
Yeah, shut up.
Cinderella looks down at her reflection in the floor.
CINDERELLA (REFLECTION)
No. You shut up.
CINDERELLA
Just stay out of this.
SNOW WHITE
Who cares who’s running the kingdom
anyway?
FIONA
I care.
Fiona steps forward and challenges them.
QUEEN
And you should all care too.
Suddenly, the cell door flies open. Donkey and Puss (in each
other’s bodies) are tossed in as the door is slammed behind
them.
PUSS
(in Donkey’s body)
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
Yeah, and I have your badge number,
«TIN CAN-»
Puss, in Donkey’s body, hisses and arches his back like a
cat.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 92.
FIONA (O.S.)
Donkey?
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
Princess?
FIONA
Puss?
PUSS
(in Donkey’s body)
Lo siento, Princessa, but I am
Puss, stuck here inside this
hideous body.
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
And I’m me.
FIONA
BUT YOU’RE-
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
I know, I know. Everything’s a
little fruity in the loops right
now. But what happened is, we went
to high school, the boat crashed,
and we got «bippity-bopity-booped»
by the «Magic Man.»
DORIS
You poor sweet things.
CINDERELLA
I don’t get it.
SNOW WHITE
The cat turned into a little horse
that smells like feet. What’s to
get?
SLEEPING BEAUTY
(WAKING UP)
Huh? Who dat?
FIONA
Where’s Shrek?
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 93.
DONKEY
Charming’s got him, Princess. And
he plans on killing Shrek tonight
in front of the whole kingdom.
Fiona’s lets out a breath.
FIONA
Alright everyone, we need to find a
way out, now.
The Princesses nod in agreement.
SNOW WHITE
You’re right.
(to the other Princesses)
Ladies, assume the position!
Sleeping Beauty falls asleep standing up. Snow White quickly
assumes her position by lying down and puckering her lips.
Cinderella dusts off a spot, sits down and crosses her legs.
FIONA
What are you doing?
SLEEPING BEAUTY
Waiting to be rescued.
FIONA
You have got to be kidding me.
SNOW WHITE
Well, what do you expect us to do?
We’re just four…
(NOTICES DORIS)
I mean, three, super hot
princesses, two circus freaks, a
pregnant ogre and an old lady.
Queen Lillian smiles and then casually walks by the Princesses.
QUEEN LILLIAN
Hmmm. Excuse me. Old lady coming
through.
She walks right up to the brick wall, takes a deep breath and
lets out a yell.
QUEEN LILLIAN
Hiiiyyyiiiaaaah.
She head-butts a hole right through the brick wall. Fiona
and the Princesses are impressed.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 94.
PRINCESSES/PUSS/DONKEY
Whoa.
FIONA
Mom?
QUEEN LILLIAN
Well, you didn’t actually think you
got your fighting skills from your
father, did you?
Fiona beams at her mother and then turns to the Princesses.
Snow White points to another wall behind them.
SNOW WHITE
Excuse me, I think there’s still
one more.
Queen Lillian turns and sees the another wall barring their way.
QUEEN LILLIAN
Hmmmm.
Queen Lillian hurries to the other wall.
QUEEN LILLIAN
Hiiiiyah.
It crumbles, revealing the outside. The princesses wince.
Fiona approaches her mother.
Queen Lillian turns around, this time a little woozy, singing
softly to herself.
FIONA
Why don’t you just lie down?
Queen Lillian continues to sing to herself as she walks away.
Fiona turns to the others.
FIONA
Okay girls, from here on out, we’re
gonna take care of business
ourselves.
Snow thinks for a moment and then glances at the other
Princesses. They nod.
Snow looks determined. She rips off a sleeve, revealing a
Dopey tattoo.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 95.
Sleeping Beauty tears the bottom of her dress.
The Queen puts lipstick smudges under her eyes (a la a
football player).
Cinderella sharpens the heal of her glass slipper.
Doris burns her bra.
The Princesses place their hands over Fiona’s. Puss and
Donkey’s hands come in last.
CUT TO:
EXT. COURTYARD STAGE — CONTINUOUS
Captain Hook replaces his «hook» appendage with a «baton» and
taps it on the score in front of him.
ANNOUNCER
Ladies and gentlemen. The Far Far
Away Theatre at the Charming
Pavilion is proud to present: «It’s
a Happily Ever After, After All.»
The camera pulls back from a playbill that reads: «It’s a
Happily Ever After, After All — Starring Prince Charming as
himself.»
Two intimidating Evil Knights are handing out the playbills
and are using spears to usher people into their seats.
EVIL KNIGHT #1
Enjoy your evening of theatrical
reverie, citizen. Oy. No food or
beverages in the theatre. Hey.
The orchestra begins to warm up.
EXT. STAGE
The camera follows Rumplestiltskin as he hurries from the
stage to backstage.
INT. BENEATH THE STAGE — NIGHT
SHREK stands atop a wooden platform, like a beaten man.
Cyclops is binding his arms and legs with heavy chains
attached to the floor.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 96.
He pulls the chains tight.
SHREK
Oww, easy.
CYCLOPS
Sorry. I guess I was just showing
off for the little one.
SHREK
Huh?
CYCLOPS
It’s «Bring your kids to work day.»
C’mere beautiful.
Cyclops motions to the shadows.
CYCLOPS’ DAUGHTER walks out from the shadows. She looks like
Cyclops with long hair and skirt.
Shrek recoils.
SHREK
Well… she’s got your eye.
Cyclops picks her up and embraces her.
CYCLOPS
Who woulda thought a monster like
me deserves something as special as
you?
They touch foreheads affectionately.
Shrek looks at the two of them and then gets a determined
look on his face.
CUT TO:
EXT. CASTLE GARDENS
The camera booms down into some trees just outside of the
castle. Fiona and the Princesses appear behind a log. Two
Evil Trees guard the castle gate. Fiona uses a duck call to
signal Snow White. She skips down the path toward a side
entrance, where two Evil Trees are standing guard. Snow
White stops in front of them, singing our version of: «Animal
Friends/With A Smile.»
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 97.
SNOW WHITE (O.S.)
(SINGING)
«Ahh ha ha ha ha haa.»
The birds answer her in song.
SNOW WHITE
(SINGING)
«Ahh ha ha ha haa.»
The birds answer again.
SNOW WHITE
(SINGING)
«Ha ha ha ha haaaa.
Little birdies take wing,
flitting down from the trees they
appear, and to chirp in my ear.»
All the forest creatures flock to her.
SNOW WHITE
(SINGING)
«All because I sing.
Ahh ha ha ha ha haaa.»
More forest creatures flock to Snow White.
SNOW WHITE
(SINGING)
«Ahh ha ha ha ha haaa.»
The Evil Trees stare in amazement.
SNOW WHITE
(SINGING)
«Ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaa.»
Suddenly Snow White’s face changes. She transitions into Led
Zeppelin’s «Immigrant Song.»
SNOW WHITE
Ahhaha. Ahhaha.
All the animals turn and attack the trees. Fiona and the
Princesses charge forward.
FIONA
Move it. Go go go.
CUT TO:
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 98.
EXT. FAR FAR AWAY ZOO — CONTINUOUS
Donkey and Puss (in each other’s bodies) run through front
gates of the Far Far Away Zoo.
The Dronkeys are held captive in the zoo. Donkey (in Puss’
body) busts open their cage.
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
My babies.
The Dronkeys fly over to Puss (in Donkey’s body) and hug him.
PUSS
(in Donkey’s body)
Help. Ow.
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
Hey.
CUT TO:
EXT. CASTLE GARDENS — CONTINUOUS
The Princesses run toward the castle. Doris punches through
the lock to open the gates.
As they enter the castle grounds, a group of guards runs
towards them. Cinderella takes out a couple of them with her
boomerang crystal slipper. Sleeping Beauty falls to the
ground, asleep. The guards trip over her body.
Doris runs up to the foot of a canopy and takes a knee. The
Princesses use Doris as a step to leap onto the canopy and
over the castle wall.
CUT TO:
EXT. RODEO DRIVE — CONTINUOUS
Donkey and Puss (in each other’s bodies) break Pinocchio out
of his marionette theatre.
CUT TO:
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 99.
EXT. BAKERY — MOMENTS LATER
Gingerbread Man is locked inside a bakery display case.
Donkey and Puss arrive (in each other’s bodies). Donkey (in
Puss’ body) awkwardly tries to cut the glass open with his
claws. Puss (in Donkey’s body) intervenes, quickly bashing a
hoof through the glass. They pull Gingerbread Man out of the
case.
CUT TO:
EXT. CASTLE ROOFTOP — CONTINUOUS
Fiona leads the Princesses and Queen, as they stealthily
creep along the rooftop.
CUT TO:
EXT. CASTLE ROOFTOP — CONTINUOUS
Fiona peers around a corner and sees two guards blocking
their path. She gets an idea.
The Guards turn around to find a leg sticking out. They
«ooh» and «aah» as they approach the leg. The camera pans up
to reveal Doris.
DORIS
Hey. How’s it going?
She kicks the guards to the ground, and they take off
running.
CUT TO:
EXT. FAR, FAR AWAY CASTLE- LATER
Donkey, Puss, (still in each other’s bodies) and the rescued
Fairy Tale Creatures run toward the castle.
Donkey and Puss peek out from behind a bush.
PUSS
(in Donkey’s body)
«O» to the «K.» The coast has
cleared.
Donkey turns to address the Fairy Tale Creatures behind him.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 100.
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
All right people, let’s do this
thing. Go Team Dy-No-Mite.
PINOCCHIO
I thought we agreed we would go by
the name of «Team Super Cool.»
GINGERBREAD MAN
As I recall it was «Team Awesome.»
WOLF
I voted for «Team Alpha Wolf
Squadron.»
DONKEY
Alright. Alright. Alright. From
henceforth we are to be known as
«Team Alpha Super Awesome Cool
Dynomite Wolf Squadron.»
The Three Pigs notice something.
PIG #1
Ach to Lieber. There is some
strange little girl over there
staring at us.
Donkey, in Puss’ body, turns to look. Artie is staring at
the strange crew.
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
Artie.
Artie turns and walks away. Puss, in Donkey’s body, runs to
stop him.
PUSS
(in Donkey’s body)
Wait, wait, wait, wait wait. Hey.
Where is the fire, Senor?
Artie pushes Puss (in Donkey’s body) out of the way.
ARTIE
Oh please, don’t act so innocent.
You both knew what was going on the
whole time and you kept it to
yourself.
Artie starts to storm away.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 101.
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
Artie, it’s not like it seems.
ARTIE
It’s not? I think it seems pretty
clear. He was using me. That’s
all there is to it.
Artie starts to walk off.
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
Using you? Man, you really don’t
get it.
PUSS
(in Donkey’s body)
Shrek only said those things to
protect you.
This stops Artie in his tracks.
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
Charming was going to kill you
Artie. Shrek saved your life.
Artie realizes the truth and is suddenly concerned for his
friend.
CUT TO:
EXT. COURTYARD STAGE
The lights dim.
The curtain rises.
INT. BACKSTAGE — CONTINUOUS
Rumplestiltskin orders for the spotlight.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN
Cue the spot.
EXT. COURTYARD STAGE — CONTINUOUS
A spotlight comes up on Rapunzel, singing in a tower while
the Fairy-tale Villains play their roles below.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 102.
RAPUNZEL
(SINGING)
«I wait alone up here.
I’m trapped another day.
Locked up here — please set me
free.
My new life I almost see,
A castle, you and me.
Yes, a castle you and me…»
Audience members look at each other in confusion; is this
crap for real?
Raul, the make-up artist, cries in the audience.
From the audience a knight holds up a candle.
Up in the rafters, Rumplestiltskin cues the Cherubs.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN
Cherubs.
The Cherubs (Evil Dwarves) are lowered onto the stage by a
rope and pulley system.
A spotlight appears on stage. From underneath the stage a
clamshell rises and opens to reveal Prince Charming on
horseback.
PRINCE CHARMING
(SINGING)
«Tis I. Tis I.
Upon my regal steed.
Princess, my love,
at last you shall be freed.»
The Cherubs drop rose petals onto Prince Charming and the
clamshell. Prince Charming and his steed, Chauncey, jump out
of the clamshell.
PRINCE CHARMING
(SINGING)
«I’m strong and brave,
and dashing my way there.
With speed. With might.
With soft and bouncy hair.»
Prince Charming begins to make his way over to the tower.
PRINCE CHARMING
(SINGING)
«Through the blistering desert…»
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 103.
Prince Charming chops the head off of the flying griffin
puppet.
EVIL TREES
(SINGING)
«Hot.»
Prince Charming dismounts, casually chops the head off of the
sea serpent and crosses the sea.
PRINCE CHARMING
(SINGING)
«Across the stormiest sea.»
EVIL DWARFS
(SINGING)
«Wet.»
He makes his way to dry land. He weaves in and out of the
Evil Trees, who are playing the part of a forest.
PRINCE CHARMING
(SINGING)
«Facing creatures so vile.»
FAIRY-TALE VILLAINS
(SINGING)
«Foul.»
He casually cuts off the head of a wooden cut-out reindeer
and shoves a villain in a bear costume out of the way.
PRINCE CHARMING
(SINGING)
«So you can gaze upon me.»
Prince Charming has made his way up the stairs at the bottom
of Rapunzel’s tower.
RAPUNZEL
(SINGING)
«I knew you’d come for me.
And now we finally meet.»
PRINCE CHARMING
(SINGING)
«I knew you’d wait.
And from my plate of love you’d
eat.»
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 104.
There is a loud flash and a loud growling is piped through
the sound system and flares go off as a trap door opens in
the stage floor. Prince Charming hams it up for the
audience, putting his hand to his ear.
INT. BACKSTAGE — CONTINUOUS
Rumplestiltskin cues Mabel.
Mabel is growling through a megaphone backstage.
MABEL
Roar. Roar.
Three Evil Witches turn a lever and an Evil Dwarf blows some
steam with a billow.
EXT. COURTYARD STAGE — CONTINUOUS
A large, imposing shadow grows onstage. The silhouette
fades, revealing a shackled Shrek on stage. He pulls at his
chains as he notes the audience and views the spectacle
before him.
INT. AUDIENCE — CONTINUOUS
A crowd of fans, with «SHREK» written on their stomachs,
cheer. One of the fans is hit with an arrow. They promptly
sit down.
PRINCE CHARMING
(SINGING)
«Who is this terrible ugly fiend
who so rudely intervened?»
Pirates and Evil Knights dance in from the wings.
FAIRY-TALE VILLAINS
(SINGING)
«Will Charming fight? Or will he
flee?»
RAPUNZEL
(SINGING)
«Oh please, rescue me.»
FAIRY-TALE VILLAINS
(SINGING)
«From this monstrosity.»
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 105.
Prince Charming takes a dramatic pause and sings in an ultra-
high voice of a castrato.
PRINCE CHARMING
(SINGING)
«Fear thee not Honey Lamb.
I will slice this thing up like a
HAM.»
SHREK
Oh boy.
Prince Charming relishes the moment, pulling out his sword
and aiming it at Shrek’s chest. Prince Charming’s voice
climbs even higher.
PRINCE CHARMING
You are about to enter
a world of pain with which you are
Not-
(SINGING)
«Familiaaaaaaar.»
He holds the last, highest note. Shrek winces. Goblets, eye
glasses, a glass tiara and glass pearls all break in the
audience.
Prince Charming smiles. Shrek looks at him with contempt.
SHREK
Well it can’t be anymore painful
than the lousy performance you’re
giving.
The audience laughs at Shrek’s remark. Prince Charming is
thrown by their reaction.
From a trap door underneath the stage Rumplestiltskin tries
to help Prince Charming out by feeding him his next line.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN
«Prepare foul beast.»
He clears his throat and tries to get back into character.
PRINCE CHARMING
(SINGING)
«Prepare foul beast, your time is
done.»
SHREK
Oooh, if you don’t mind could you
kill me, and then sing?
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 106.
The audience laughs. Prince Charming gets in Shrek’s face.
PRINCE CHARMING
Be quiet.
SHREK
Oh, come on, I’m just havin’ fun
with ya. That’s actually a very
nice leotard.
PRINCE CHARMING
Thank you.
SHREK
Do they come in men’s sizes?
The audience laughs again.
HOOK
He, he. Now that be funny.
The crowd laughs again. Shrek smiles, enjoying how he’s
screwing up the show. Prince Charming is furious.
PRINCE CHARMING
Enough.
The crowd falls silent.
Prince Charming turns back to Shrek.
PRINCE CHARMING
Now you’ll finally know what it’s
like to have everything you’ve
worked for, everything that’s
precious to you taken away.
Prince Charming raises his sword.
PRINCE CHARMING (CONT’D)
Now you’ll know how I felt.
Suddenly a fireball hits the blade, melting it.
PRINCE CHARMING
Ahhhhh.
Another huge fireball spreads across the sky as Dragon flies
above the theater. The Dronkeys follow behind her.
DRAGON
Roar.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 107.
The Three Pigs come running down the aisle.
PIG #1
Sausage Roll.
The Three Pigs leap onto the stage, going into a drop and
roll move to land in between Shrek and Prince Charming. They
strike a fighting pose.
Pinocchio comes flying in on his strings, landing with a
flurry of kung-fu hands.
The Wolf unzips the wolf costume, steps out and joins the
others.
WOLF
Arg.
Gingerbread Man pops up in the tower window, grabs Rapunzel’s
hair and swings down. Before he hits the ground, the end
catches and he bounces like a bungee jumper. Her hair falls
into a pile next to a very surprised Gingerbread Man.
Rapunzel screams. Her mousy brown hair crammed under a hair
net. She runs off crying.
Prince Charming looks around, almost surrounded.
Suddenly a shadow falls over the crowd and they gasp. Dragon
and the Dronkeys fly in and land on the stage.
Puss and Donkey leap off her back to the stage.
DONKEY
(in Puss’s body)
Pray for mercy from…
PUSS
(in Donkey’s body)
…Puss.
He claps his hooves on the stage.
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
And Donkey.
He carves a letter «D» on Pinocchio’s bottom.
PINOCCHIO
(re: his bottom)
Hey.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 108.
Queen Lillilan head-butts through one of the backdrops, with
Sleeping Beauty and Doris. Snow White flies in behind them
with the help of her woodland creatures («Crouching Tiger,
Hidden Dragon» style). Cinderella runs on stage equipped with
a mop as her weapon. Together, the Princesses strike fierce
poses and stand next to Shrek.
The audience applauds.
Suddenly the front door of the «swamp house» set crashes to
the floor, revealing Fiona.
FIONA
Hi honey. Sorry we’re late. You
okay?
SHREK
Much better, now that you’re here.
AUDIENCE
Awwwwwww.
The audience applauds. Shrek turns to Prince Charming
raising his shackled wrists.
SHREK
So Charming, you wanna let me out
of these so we can settle this ogre
to man?
Prince Charming considers this for a second.
PRINCE CHARMING
Oooh, that sounds fun. But I have
a better idea.
Prince Charming strikes an imperious pose and claps his
hands. Cyclops suddenly emerges from the trap door, knocking
Puss and Donkey down. He approaches them menacingly.
The witches fly in and threaten the princesses with their
brooms. The Evil Queen rises up behind Queen Lillian and puts a
knife to her throat.
The Evil Dwarves grab The Three Pigs. Gingerbread Man is
suddenly surrounded by many Evil Knights. He poops out a gum-
ball.
Dragon starts to move forward only to find herself surrounded
by crossbows. A bunch of pirates grab Fiona and tie her up.
SHREK
Fiona.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 109.
FIONA
No. Let go of me.
Shrek struggles to free himself of the chains, but it’s no
use.
Prince Charming’s eyes narrow.
PRINCE CHARMING
You will not ruin things this time
ogre.
(TO VILLAINS)
Kill it.
Prince Charming signals to the villains to attack Shrek. As
the villains advance towards Shrek, a spotlight shines in
their eyes, stopping them in their tracks.
ARTIE
Everybody stop.
PRINCE CHARMING
(EXASPERATED)
Oh, what is it now?
SHREK
Artie?
Artie jumps from the spotlight.
Artie lands clumsily on a hanging cloud.
Artie leaps awkwardly from cloud to cloud. The audience
stares in awe.
After one last leap, he swings down on the Cherub’s cable,
sending the little person up in the air.
Artie lands on the stage in between the Villains and Shrek.
He stands facing the Villains.
ARTIE
Who really thinks we need to settle
things this way?
The Evil Knights think about it and raise their hands. The
other Villains follow suit.
ARTIE
You’re telling me you just want to
be Villains your whole lives?
This gives the Villains pause.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 110.
CAPTAIN HOOK
But we are Villains. It’s the only
thing we know.
ARTIE
Didn’t you ever wish you could be
something else?
The Villains aren’t convinced.
EVIL TREE #2
Well, it’s easy for you to say.
You’re not some evil enchanted
tree.
PRINCE CHARMING
You morons. Don’t listen to him.
ATTACK THEM-
Another Evil Tree covers Prince Charming’s mouth and then
motions to Artie.
EVIL TREE #1
What Steve’s trying to say here is
that it’s hard to come by honest
work when the whole world’s against
you.
EVIL TREE #2
Right, thanks Ed.
ARTIE
Okay, fair enough. You’re right.
I’m not a talking tree. But, ya
know, a good friend of mine once
told me that just because people
treat you like a villain, or an
ogre…
Artie shares a look with Shrek.
ARTIE
… or just some loser…
The Fairy-tale Villains listen intently.
ARTIE (CONT’D)
…it doesn’t mean you are one.
The Evil Tree tightens his grip as Prince Charming struggles
to break free.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 111.
ARTIE (CONT’D)
The thing that matters most is what
you think of yourself.
Artie commands the stage.
ARTIE (CONT’D)
If there’s something you really
want, or there’s someone you really
want to be, then the only person
standing in your way …is you.
Artie points at Rumplestiltskin directly in front of him.
Rumplestiltskin is alarmed.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN
Me?
OTHER PIRATES
Get ‘im lads.
ARTIE
No, no, no! What I mean is: each
of you is standing in your own way.
VILLAINS
Oooooooh.
The Headless Horseman breaks through the crowd.
HEADLESS HORSEMAN
I’ve always wanted to play the
flute.
The Fairy-tale Villains and Creatures look at each other.
The Evil Queen steps up.
EVIL QUEEN
I`d like to open up a spa in
France.
The Villains nod in agreement.
CAPTAIN HOOK
I grow daffodils.
Complete silence as everyone stares at Hook.
CAPTAIN HOOK
And they’re beautiful.
Captain Hook looks thoughtfully at his sword, then throws it
down.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 112.
The pirates throw theirs down, followed by the witches and
Evil Knights. The evil knight holding Pinocchio is thinking
about it when Pinocchio reaches over and takes the ax from
him. The weapons pile up in the middle of the stage. Everyone
else cheers and starts to mingle, introducing themselves and
shaking hands.
Gingerbread Man high fives with an Evil Knight. Fiona is
untied.
Mabel walks up to Doris and lightly punches her on the jaw.
Doris returns the sign of affection by punching Mabel in the
jaw, but a bit too hard, sending her falling to the ground.
Suddenly, Prince Charming kicks himself free of the Evil Tree
and charges them. He grabs a sword from the discard pile and
raises it up, his aim set at Artie.
PRINCE CHARMING
Aaaahhhh.
Despite his fear, Artie faces Prince Charming bravely. As
Prince Charming charges, Shrek finds the strength to break
his chains. Just before Prince Charming strikes, a chain
whips into frame, wrapping around the sword. Shrek pulls
Prince Charming around in a circle, away from Artie. Furious,
he charges Shrek and stabs him with the sword. Charming lets
go and Shrek stumbles back with the weapon impaled in him,
and falls to the floor, groaning.
Prince Charming beams, and laughs. He turns to the audience.
PRINCE CHARMING
A new era finally begins!
The audience cowers.
Shrek looks up smiling and nods at Fiona and Artie.
PRINCE CHARMING
Now, all of you, bow before your
king.
Shrek casually rises up behind him and clears his throat.
SHREK
Ah-hem.
Charming turns around. Shrek lifts his arm revealing that he
was never really stabbed.
SHREK (CONT’D)
You need to work on your aim.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 113.
Charming is stunned.
PRINCE CHARMING
This was supposed to be my happily
ever after.
Prince Charming is paralyzed. Shrek drops the sword and grabs
him by the shirt-front, lifting him off of his feet.
He winces, but is still defiant.
SHREK
Well I guess you need to keep
looking…
Shrek looks at Fiona and at his friends and smiles.
SHREK
…cause I’m not giving up mine.
Shrek sets Prince Charming down and signals DRAGON. She
casually tips the tower over with her tail. A shadow falls
over Prince Charming. He turns and sees the tower falling
toward him, his body perfectly framed up in the princesses’s
window.
PRINCE CHARMING
Mommy?
It crashes down and he’s trapped inside.
As the dust clears, the crown rolls across the stage. Artie
stops it with his foot and slowly picks it up.
SHREK
It’s yours if you want it, you
know, but this time it’s your
choice.
Artie considers it.
He looks at Shrek, who is smiling proudly at him.
Artie turns to the audience and holds out the crown to them.
They cheer him.
Artie places the crown on his head. The crowd goes nuts. In
the audience, Raul sobs with joy.
ALL
Ar-tie. Ar-tie. Ar-tie. Ar-tie.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 114.
Everybody cheers as the Fairy-tale Creatures and Villains put
Artie up on their shoulders and carry him off. Donkey and
Puss, still in each other’s bodies, watch as Artie gets
carried away.
In a puff of smoke, Merlin suddenly appears. He looks around
confused, clutching his show ticket.
MERLIN
Uh, excuse me, that’s my seat.
Suddenly he is thrown back against the front of the stage as
Donkey and Puss confront him.
PUSS
(in Donkey’s body)
Okay, senor hocus-y pocus-y. The
time has come to rectify some
wrongs.
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
Although I have been enjoying these
«cat baths.»
PUSS
(in Donkey’s body)
Please say you didn’t.
MERLIN
Uh… alright, alright…look..
Merlin rubs his hands together.
MERLIN
You’re gonna feel a little pinch,
and possibly some lower intestinal
discomfort, but this should do the
trick.
Merlin rolls up his sleeves, and prepares to make with the
magic. He lets loose with a bright burst of magic. It takes a
moment for Donkey and Puss to recover. They eye each other
cautiously.
PUSS
Are you..?
Donkey lifts his hoof and inspects it carefully.
DONKEY
I’m me again.
Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 115.
Puss checks out his own paws.
PUSS
And I am not you.
Donkey and Puss give each other a big hug.
DONKEY
Alright.
The two of them turn and walk away together.
Merlin is behind them, smoking fingers and all. Suddenly his
eyes grow wide.
MERLIN
Oops. Ah, never mind.
We see that Donkey still has Puss’ tail and Puss had
Donkey’s. Merlin slips away.
Shrek and Fiona watch Artie in the distance.
SHREK
What’d I tell ya? I think the
kid’s going to be a great King.
FIONA
Well, for what it’s worth, you
would have too.
Shrek smiles, and touches Fiona’s belly.
SHREK
I have something much more
important in mind.
They kiss.
The camera pulls back to see everyone celebrating around
Shrek and Fiona as they kiss.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. SWAMP HOUSE — MORNING
Shrek and Fiona are diapering two of the babies in perfect unison. They continue diapering, Fiona holds up the third baby and Shrek holds up an unhappy, diapered Puss.
Shrek grabs a gourd bottle off of a shelf. He tosses it to Fiona. Shrek the Third — Final Screening Script 118.
Fiona stands holding one baby over her shoulder. She catches the gourd thrown to her, twirls it around (a la Tom Cruise in Cocktail), lifts up her leg where another baby is perched on her foot and puts the gourd in the baby’s mouth.
Shrek is burping a baby over his shoulder. The baby burps. Fiona has a baby over her shoulder and the baby burps. A Dronkey sitting on a chair does a flame-belch and an ogre baby crawling by farts which causes a flame thrower effect into the fireplace.
Shrek and Fiona tuck all the babies into bed.
SHREK Well, what shall we do now?
CUT TO:
INT. SHREK AND FIONA’S BEDROOM — NIGHT
Shrek and Fiona are sound asleep, snoring.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. SWAMP HOUSE — CONTINUOUS
A baby starts to cry.
SHREK (SIGHS) I got it.
The camera trucks out.
THE END